I used to call you my everything

I find myself wondering...what if things turned out differently. What if I stuck around for just one more hurdle. Where would I be at now? Would I have so many issues and problems going on...or would todays problems be replaced with new problems that included you?

When thoughts like this come to my brain...it is only at times when my mind is weak. When I feel like giving up. I have spent so much of my time and effort trying to make this work. Trying to do this on my own. I may have had some regrets in there...but they are my regrets. Not shared with anyone. Not someone else's burdens placed upon my shoulders. 

I have so many amazing and happy memories with you. Its hard to regret something that gave me so much at the time giving was happening. So..now...my only regret...is letting myself stay as long as I did. Allowing myself to endure your nonsense. I dont know where my life is going to go from here, but I do know...that I am not going to give up. 

People Suck

Maybe I don't know enough about this crazy screwed up world. Maybe I sometimes don't know what I am talking about. Maybe I allow people to get to me more than I should. Maybe I worry too much sometimes. Or maybe I just thought better of this place. Who knows. Whatever works, right?

So many secrets...I could keep.

Could've been more..

It amazes me how many different ways my mind can go. Guess that comes with being crazy huh?

Am I being stubborn...or stupid?

Things like this happen to me, day in and day out. I can be doing normal, everyday things, and turn some stupid small thing into nonsense. Most times, I am not aware of what these kinds of things are until after they happen. Almost like, I am only able to notice afterwards. Its very strange.

I'd give examples...but I am already perceived as nuts.

Days are gone now..

There are probably a thousand things that one could experience throughout their day, that makes them go absolutely crazy. They may not express this, they may not show it to the world, or let anyone know its happening. But it happens. 

Take "love" as an example. Any given person lives, dies, and kills for it. It makes people crazy. What else in this world, maybe aside from illegal drugs, or mental illnesses that have this effect on someone? No one tells you that a simple act of meeting any one person, could lead to all the silliness, the wild antics...etc...all this stuff that adds up to the simple explanation of love. No one tells you that it makes you go crazy. You would think someone would at least warn you of something that could have such great effect on your life. But yes, I know...nonsense. I"ll go with the reasoning of...everyone has to experience this for themselves. If told...it takes all the fun out of it.

Kinda goes back to the whole- who are you kidding analogy that I have placed inside of my mind...for me and only me.

Funny thing with me...I don't need this kinda nonsense...I'm already crazy.

Its late...and its called rambling.

My "goodnights"

Its two in the morning, and I cannot sleep. No matter what I try, it doesn't help. I can only guess that I do this to myself. I allow my mind to be filled with such madness, and expect myself to hold the ability of putting it to rest so easily. For some unknown reason, I just got extremely angry. Out of no where. It's what I do. Call it what you want, but sometimes it's normal for me. Maybe I am too strong willed, or too stubborn, or too crazy for my own good. Either which way, I don't care.

Take it or leave it, right?


Side note...everyone has that one person that can level themselves off when the need to is there. Someone to make you laugh when there's not much to laugh about. Someone to make you smile when you're sad. Someone to yell at you when you need a reality check. Someone who will listen to your BS when no one else wants to hear it. Someone that makes you feel safe, even when they are miles away from you. Someone that has taken the role of no expectations needed and given you a world of great expectations. I'm very thankful that I have one of these people in my life. As much as I complain and get angry at them, at the end of the day, I know they've got my back. No matter what I filled their day with, they're always there. I hope everyone in this messed up world finds someone like that to be their friend too.