Its been three weeks since my last visit. I try to distance myself from sadness. It doesnt work. It only makes me miss her, and in turn, makes me sad.
I remember throughout the first couple weeks. When it would rain, I'd take an umbrella with me to see her, sometimes two. I would stick that umbrella into the ground so the rain wouldnt reach her. It may seem silly or crazy now to think about it...
"What is this crazy mess of a woman doing sticking an umbrella into the ground? Has she lost her mind? Its pouring buckets of rain out here. She could be using that umbrella to keep herself dry, but instead, shes soaked."
I will be the first to admit that yes- I am pretty sure that I did lose my mind. I cant for sure say that I've ever completely found it, but it is what it is, right? It comforted me then. I dont know or understand what it was. Almost like I was overcome with guilt, and loss. I felt the need to protect her, even after she was gone. I still do. People so seldom see me vulnerable. I dont allow it to show. I guess thats where I get this whole- cold and heartless tag thrown upon me. It doesnt matter though. She knows I'm here, and always will be. I like to think that I was comforting her. Kind of like when someone you know is sick, and you visit with them, at their bedside, just sitting there, and allowing them to know you are there for them. To help them with what they need, and to protect them, and just share the silence of the moment with them. Thats what its like with her. Only, with her, it goes both ways. I go there with a purpose, and I leave there with sorrow, and comfort, that I just shared a few moments of my life with her, when the world thought that it was impossible to have such a thing.
I'm rambling here, but the point is, I miss her. Everyday, I miss her. Pure anguish.
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