Hey, by the way-

The real estate market. Are you kidding me?

Its no wonder that there are banks across the US filing for bankruptcy, going out of business, laying people off, etc. What did they think was going to happen? The man sitting in that pretty shiny high back office chair twenty years ago, had to of seen this coming, did he not? I try not to give my thoughts or opinions on things like this, because someone, somewhere wants to argue the point, but its hard not to.

If you were to call your bank right now, and ask them for your original documents on your mortgage, I guarantee you they would not be able to provide them. These documents, lay, covered in dust in some warehouse in the middle of no where. How can you hold someone to their loans without having complete, thorough paperwork. Do these banks not have competent lawyers on hand?

You are putting your name on the dotted line, beside someone in this crazy screwed up world. Having faith that they will come through on their end and be solid for years to come. Who in this world is solid?

Okay, sure, sometimes you have to take the chance. But when taking the chance, why wouldnt you cover all bases?

It pisses me off because now, because people are stupid. My time gets wasted because others don't know what they are doing. Ughhhh!!!

Couple of familiar faces, is gonna turn it all around?

Forgive me, but I don't understand how one can say that those around them make them into who they become. Your mind is on the inside for a reason. Its the only livelihood man has left to take upon himself and do as he pleases with. I will not agree with someone not being able to make their own choices, change the way they live, or live with themselves- and blame it on those around you. Thats BS.

Do not come at with nonsense.

Suck it up, admit your mistakes, take blame, and move on.

Like stones in your pocket, people try to weigh you down

Dont let them get the best of ya.

Otherwise, you may just be a weak as the ones throwing em around. We couldnt have that now could we?

Ain't it good to think about the weather...doesn't seem to be time for that anymore..

When all is said and done, as much as I complain, and whine, I wouldnt have it any other way. Reality can be a harsh awakening for anyone. You gotta learn to take the good with the bad, to know that regardless of what has happened, what the world has thrown in your hands, what lies outside the windows, things will be just fine.

And if all else fails, put some pretty sneakers on and face it head on.

One day I will build a fountain...to make my own wish.

Things aren't always as they may seem. You may look at something with a naked eye, and be in awe, over how amazing it is. Little do you know...you're wrong.

Take myself for instance.

I am capable of prettying up myself and showing the world this strong, independent, beautiful person that I am. However, those people watching do not know about the details of my life. They don't know that I am filled with great sadness over the loss in my life. They don't know that I fight to get out of bed in the morning. They don't know that I only sleep three hours a night. They don't know that I get scared at each noise behind me. They don't know how stupid I am.

They don't know because I don't allow them too.

This goes for everything. Each and every person or thing has a story behind it. Before you throw judgements and quality amongst it, or at them, remember that.

The most decieving things in this crazy screwed up world are your very own eyes.

How many first kisses can there be?

Love will make you do many silly things. But what's life without a little love and a little silliness?

My only goodbye.

You make me sad.

I wish I had the nerve or the confidence to say to you some of the things you should probably hear. I wish I wasnt so blind to the dark hole that you lead me to. I wish I wasnt so dependent on you being in my day. I wish you would leave my head and my thoughts and my mind. I wish I didnt love you.

Goodbye.

Well worth a smile.

The light of the night brought you
But how quick it was to turn
It showed my reasons to grieve you
I guess I was my only concern.

To be left guessing without you
It swallowed me whole
It took away every ounce of you
And left me with no control.

I leave my day with wanting you
In hopes of seeing your beautiful face
I awake sadden over the loss of you
To move on without embrace.

When does this feeling go away?

I'm not lonely. I'm alone.

Today. I don't know if I accomplished something that I can take with me forever. I doubt I have made a difference in any part of this world. I am completely unsure of what tomorrow has to offer me. But I can say this...I was not placed in this life with all of the answers. I can guarantee that I will take my mistakes to heart, and learn from them. Let's just hope I don't make too many of those though.

Its the middle of the night. I just suddenly burdened myself with great sadness and grief. I am not even sure what sparked it, or where its pointed towards, but its there.

Everyday I live without her, I disappoint myself. Every moment of my life, I miss her. It may seem to have been a great deal of time since she was here, but it feels like I am still living the nightmare. Day in, and day out. Its almost embarrassing. It seems like I let down the whole world when she was taken, and now, no matter what I do, I can't make it right.

Loss. Its a horrible, painful, and giant part of life. Completely uncontrollable for the most part.

But why does it seem like so many of my days are filled with this uncontrollable loss?

A long time...didn't know what I was doing...

What else can I do?

Im in dire need of some inspiration.

Picking up trash in dresses...

"I never wanted to see you half as bad in all my life as I do now."

Beautiful mess. Thats what it is. What happened to that? What happened to true, serene, unconditional love? What happened to women wanting to seen as women. To be respected, and treated as though they were the only one in the room. To be the one who doesnt have to fend for his attention. To be the one who is always worth fighting for. What happened?

I see it everyday. Women, being treated horrible. Being there for the sole purpose of filling in. Being screamed at, or looked past. At what point did this become okay? At which point did this become normal to walk by without reaction? At which point did the world find it was content with settling. This isnt 100 years ago. Why settle?

I grew up with parents who were picture perfect. They always seemed to be happy, or at least content with what they had. They were solid. They were two people placed on this earth, made for one another. Or so I thought.

Now that I'm older, I can see a bit more clearly. I am not so blind to weaknesses, and troubles.

I now look at my picture perfect parents, and feel sorry for them. It makes me sad to know they settled for one another. It makes me sad that they thought it was a neccessity to keep one another around, just simply because- thats what you do.

If nothing else, if I accomplish nothing more, I WILL not settle. I will not recind my beliefs or expectancy to match someone else's level.

You either get it, or you dont. Whatever.

Day One

My heart will be fine, just stop wasting my time.

I break someone's heart each day. Whether it be my own, or someone else's. Each day. I know I do it. Sometimes, I can't help it. Sometimes I can.

Who care's though right?

In a world where what we want, is what we want until we hit the top.

The thought of what I'd do for you
Seems crazy even to me
The paths I'd lead myself down
Yet, you dont even see.

My mind is overwhelmed
by nothing else but you
My awareness fell to pieces
Yet, you seem to have no clue.

I've let you overcome me. But not anymore. I'm done.

Trying to make the best of my time

And so it begins. The conclusion that I knew would be happening. Because thats what I do.

I allow things to be placed into my world. I allow myself to enjoy them. I allow myself to end them.

Why is it that my mind is so content with what I have, that it doesnt allow for change, or newness, or differences. Am I in that much fear to think that letting go of normalcy will hurt me? Why cant I get that phrase into my head about this? That one simple phrase...It will be okay.

But will it be okay? Whos to say that it will or it wont? Uncertainty. I dont do well with it. I dont get along with it. But I need to make it my friend every now and then. What else is out there?

...And the head hits the door...hurting, but how sweet it is to feel the knock...

He's doing it again.

I wish I wasnt so indecisive about this. My mind can make a million choices and decisions each day. Why am I so up in the air on this one?


I want to put a pillow in front of my face and scream as loud as my lungs allow, and hope the entire world hears me.

Sing this song...reminds me that we'll always have eachother...

Its been three weeks since my last visit. I try to distance myself from sadness. It doesnt work. It only makes me miss her, and in turn, makes me sad.

I remember throughout the first couple weeks. When it would rain, I'd take an umbrella with me to see her, sometimes two. I would stick that umbrella into the ground so the rain wouldnt reach her. It may seem silly or crazy now to think about it...

"What is this crazy mess of a woman doing sticking an umbrella into the ground? Has she lost her mind? Its pouring buckets of rain out here. She could be using that umbrella to keep herself dry, but instead, shes soaked."

I will be the first to admit that yes- I am pretty sure that I did lose my mind. I cant for sure say that I've ever completely found it, but it is what it is, right? It comforted me then. I dont know or understand what it was. Almost like I was overcome with guilt, and loss. I felt the need to protect her, even after she was gone. I still do. People so seldom see me vulnerable. I dont allow it to show. I guess thats where I get this whole- cold and heartless tag thrown upon me. It doesnt matter though. She knows I'm here, and always will be. I like to think that I was comforting her. Kind of like when someone you know is sick, and you visit with them, at their bedside, just sitting there, and allowing them to know you are there for them. To help them with what they need, and to protect them, and just share the silence of the moment with them. Thats what its like with her. Only, with her, it goes both ways. I go there with a purpose, and I leave there with sorrow, and comfort, that I just shared a few moments of my life with her, when the world thought that it was impossible to have such a thing.

I'm rambling here, but the point is, I miss her. Everyday, I miss her. Pure anguish.

...And there goes my heart.

My beautiful babes. What more is there to live for? There is no greater award in life than being able to wake up to their faces. They are innocent, not affected by the worlds crazy antics just yet, not molded into any one specific thing. They are still impressionable. Still able to be taught, and shown the right way. They have not been dipped into the mess of nonsense that exists outside of the walls of a cozy home.

I couldnt imagine my life without them. I am pretty sure that I was born to this world to share my life with them. Its amazing what they turn me into.

Throughout my entire day, I find myself in the midst of madness. Getting angry at small things, overwhelmed by unneccessary tasks, beside myself with the craziness of the day. But you give me five minutes with them, and its a whole different world. I go from anger to laughter, overwhelmed to impressed, smile for no reason, in awe over each moment.

They fill my life with such greatness. I am so thankful to have them in my life.

What are you thankful for?

Figuring it out.

What is it about him? No matter what my day brings about, I still find myself pausing, and thinking of nothing but him.

I find myself wanting to call him and tell him about things as soon as they happen. I find myself dialing his number thirty times a day. I find myself stopping myself from being this crazy person.

I find myself saying how much I hate him and miss him. What the ...?

Oh...the way it was so worth it...

Fourteen years ago. Do you remember where you were fourteen years ago? Because I do. Fourteen years ago today, changed my life. It was probably the best day of my whole life. It was the beginning of everything.

Its sad to know now how that day fourteen years ago would make life into this. No regrets though.

Best advice I could give: Take the chance before the chance takes you.

Even that...I dont know if I was the one who took it, or the one who was taken.

My pride will keep me company when you're gone..

I have to submerge myself into everything but you. Please leave my mind...leave my heart...leave my memory.

Thank you.

You're my piece of mind...in the crazy world...

Ninety nine out of a hundred people may dissapoint you. Do not lower you expectations to avoid this. When you find that one person, it makes the rest of it completely worth it.

Your lullabies won't let me sleep...

I find myself smiling for no reason. I find myself daydreaming mid-day. I find myself in complete awe over the smallest things. I find myself unafraid to be okay with how things are. I find myself stuck in thoughts that anyone else would simply overlook. I find myself okay, each day, I'm okay.

Its always a scary thing when you are unsure of how things are going to work out. I guess I am good at doubting life and faith in certain things. I am so quickly to pass judgement on moments that I cannot grasp.

It goes back to the whole- If there isnt anything that can be done about a bad situation, right there, at that time, then theres no sense in worrying over it, no sense in allowing it to get to you, no sense in letting it create sadness for you.

Its amazing what one thing, or even one person could do for another's life. Another's day. Of all that crazy screwed up mess that gets thrown at me...of all the hard and horrible things that happen, its nice to have that something or someone there every now and then that makes you feel better.