It hit me tonight bad. Really bad. I dont know what happened. My day went by good, and come 8 o'clock...it was horrible. I do this to myself, and I know I do. I have to figure out a way to not let this happen. It has been a while since its really gotten to me. Maybe it was just time.


I remember the day I packed her things. I packed them in blue totes. Each piece of clothing, still smelled like her. All of her toys, still had the images of her all over them. She was very little. She didnt have lots of things just yet. It took me almost five hours, five totes, to pack her stuff.  I cried with every new piece that she didnt get to wear. I cried with the pretty things she did get to wear. I cried when I touched each piece. It was a moment in my life that I was happy to go through alone. Had I not been alone, someone probably would've stopped me.


Earlier tonight, I could feel myself not breathing right. Just thinking about it. My legs felt numb. In fact, my whole body felt numb. It was beyond scary.