The word amazing doesn't really mean that much to me anymore.

I wake up to you...but I still miss you.

You're everywhere.

No words can take away my pain, my anguish, my torture, from not having you here. I miss you more than ever imaginable. No one knows this of course. But I do. Everyone looks at me, and just assumes that I am okay. Ninety percent of the time, I'm not.

I've been thinking about you a lot lately. Its hard. Its hard to get through days like this. Even if only for a moment...it takes a lot for me to get through it. It comes and goes.  More coming than going I'm sure.

I looked in the mirror...seen my eyes...filled with temptation...thats where it started.

He makes me sad. I already have so many things in my life that make me sad. Why did this crazy screwed up universe put him into my world. Havent I had enough, havent I dealt with the worst, why now?

Its so hard not to put myself in the middle, so hard to keep my feelings at arms legnth. How do I stop this, how do I move on, how do I exceed all expectations and be okay.

It just isnt right.

Then you got that look in your eyes..

The room was filled with floral print couches...baskets of flowers...red carpet...and one small box on legs. Inside this box, she lay there, in peace...dressed in her beautiful easter dress...with her pretty hat atop her head. Her body was cool, she had the cutest little slippers on those tiny toes. She was bigger...just a little bigger. Beautiful dark hair, longer than most her age.

This box, lined with pink shiny cushion. Her eyes were glued shut, it was thick and rough glue. Her head had been cut open along her hair line, and glued back together. The pretty hat covered this though. Her small hands and fingers, all still there. I placed her hands inside of mine. I couldve fit three of her tiny hands into one of mine. My little girl. Gone.

So i didnt complete or suceed at this 30 day challenge of mine. It pretty much went right out the window the moment I saw him. Isnt that horrible?

So I am turning my 30 day...into a 90 day challenge. Gotta give myself some time...things dont get swept up and out that easily. Wish me luck. Its gonna be harder than I thought it would be.

When someone dies, we try to negotiate. We think of all the things we could have done to prevent it.   We think if we had just one more day...but, you can’t negotiate with death.

I wish it were that easy, I'd trade my own life to bring her back.

Thirty day challenge...if only u knew...

People drive me crazy. I have always thought to myself...is it me? But i am starting to think that it isnt me, its everyone else in this crazy fucked up world.

My day today was okay. It was kind of nerve racking. I miss people, I miss places, I miss lots. I miss out on lots too, but whats the point of complaints? At the end of the day, it is what i make it...right?

I am challenging myself with a goal, that is probably far fetched, and nearly impossible, but who better to do the impossible than me? I'm on day four right now, so i'll let ya know how it works out for me..

Wish me luck! I will need it for this..

Wow...thats all.

Easy to lose...hard to find...thats why you hold on super tight to it..

PRIDE

1. a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc.

2. the state or feeling of being proud.

3. a becoming or dignified sense of what is due to oneself or one's position or character; self-respect; self-esteem

You try to fit people into your life...and sometimes they just werent meant to be put there. Its when u stop to wait for signs that you notice the puzzle wasnt put together correctly from the beginning. So you are now left with a bunch of nonsense, laid across the table, just waiting for its place.

What's the point of giving someone a second chance if u didn't want them to begin with? Or maybe u did want them at the beginning but cannot for the life of u, remember why.

Ive been your best kept secret.

I dont like making big important decisions. Sure, when it comes to anything but, I have no question. I'm good at making those kind of decisions without second guessing. When it comes to ones like this, life changing, life altering ones, its hard.

Can someone else make these for me?

Stand up to a giant...say that i'm a fighter...too drunk to remember...

Bearings...I've got to get them back. 

Its so easy to forget about whats important, especially, when whats not so important makes for a better time.

Time for bed.

It was the only place I'd ever known.

The things you see...


I'd rather spend the rest of my life by myself than to share it with someone who doesnt deserve it. I will not stand for second best. I will not lower my expectations to meet someone else's standards. Its just not going to happen.


When you're little, you create happiness. As you grow, you dream of happiness. When you're old, you've forgotten about happiness.


Its a shame that people so seldom hold true to their own self worth. When I see this happening around me, knowing I can only control my own, it saddens me. You go into life with nothing, you struggle to build yourself, you learn lessons, you learn to put that pretty smile on, and you learn to accept change. But, if you miss one of those steps, it leads to your highs and lows becoming someone else's desperate chase. Allowing someone to take advantage of something that will effect you or the way the outcome of your life happens...it can only lead to one path...the foolish one.

Things won't change without you

If it was the intent, to hurt me, you are kidding yourself. For the things I have stuck around for, the things I have watched happen, the things you allowed to go on, you've got to be joking. No one gets that many chances.

When you're stuck in a position that you, yourself come to the belief of- this is how it is, and how its always going to be- than its due time to break away. Whats the point of anything when your outlook is this? What kind of days do you have to look forward to?

I blame myself of course. What the fuck was I thinking? I was the one to make that choice each and every time to stay. I was the one who walked away a hundred times, only to end up turning around.

I'm done. I have been done for a long time now.

"I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see."

-John Burroughs

Here we go again. Right back where we begun. Time to cut the line. Im officially done. My way, or no way.

I feel shook. I dunno whats going on lately, but somethings going. Out with the old...and NO i dont want no new. I am content with what i have. Dont ruin it.

Miranda + Jean + Grace = the best person in the world.


Enough said.

How can one person...be the one who makes me crazy, makes me smile, makes me sad, makes me think, makes me angry, then makes me crazy again.

Why do I let this one person be this person to me?

I am not the type to allow someone to be in my life like this. I have never had that role open for anyone, so I'm not sure why it is now. I know its definately not normal, but its something that I dont think needs questioning. Or does it?

Just not sure where it leads, and I dont deal well with uncertainty. Maybe thats what I need, a little uncertainty. Who knows.