GONE

Just when I think I've got it under control, things completely get away from me. Its exhausting to try and catch everything all at once. Doesn't mean I have to give up right?

These last few months have been hard for me. It seems I am slowly losing details of some of the most precious things I have always held onto. This step to grief is not forewarned in any book, or any list. When I lost her, I must have read a hundred books of grieving, and how to deal with it. Mainly because I wanted to make sure that what I was feeling, was normal. To know that someone else in this world had the same feelings was almost comforting to me. This- what I am feeling lately, was never mentioned.

Seems I think of something new each day that I question. How did we spend Valentines Day? What color was her very first outfit she wore? What kind of shoes did she wear? Did she ever wear shoes? How many baths did she have? What did her hair smell like? Did she sleep through the night when she was first born? How many times did she laugh? What was her favorite thing to see?

This list could go on for hours.

Its hard to not have a grasp on something so important. It leaves me struggling to find answers. It leaves me angry with myself for not remembering.

Right before she passed away, I took one of my computers into a repair shop. Something about the sound card wasn't working. I don't remember that either...but anyways, this computer- it had pictures of her on there. It had some sort of voice recordings of my son playing with her, it had "memories" of her on it. Anyways, in the mix of everything that happened, I forgot about the computer. I forgot that I had dropped it off. It must have been two months before I remembered that I had dropped it off. I remember I was packing her things. Her tiny, new things. Then it came to me. I immediately jumped up off of the floor. I was already a mess as it was. I panicked. I jumped in my car and drove to the computer repair shop. When I got there, I ran in frantic. Tears streaming from my eyes.

It was gone.

The woman told me that when repairs aren't picked up in thirty days, they get destroyed.

GONE.

I was beside myself. I must have sat there, in front of the shop for maybe two hours. Sitting there on the sidewalk. It was gone. She was gone. Everything was gone. 

My point in mentioning this is that the only thing I have left to go on is memory. It scares the hell out of me when I am unable to recollect those thoughts.