I love you. I love you. I love you.

So...remember that list of regrets? Well I am now able to cross one of them out! Just like I said I would. In the moment of it all, it was amazing. I felt as though- it couldn't get better then this.

And dedicate them all to me...and I will give you all my life...

I have been defeated- I have came to a point in life where I had to give up. I gave up a great part of me. I have had those nights that I cried myself to sleep. I have had the days that I couldn't bear to get out of bed. I have had times that I have hid myself from the world. Mainly because of sadness, or shame, or lack of pride. I have been tossed aside...I have allowed things in my life to get the best of me. It may not have been my greatest lived moments...buts its my life- nonetheless.

I have suffered- I have chosen other's paths instead of my own. I have given many amazing things up for what seems pointless now. I have been second on my priority list. I have back burner-ed my feelings to the point of no forgiveness sometimes. I have gone without happiness to suffice the needs of others. I have known what its like to not matter.

I have known loss- I have had the greatest loss any one human should ever experience. I have had the feeling of numbness. I've been lost in my mind. I have experienced the blankness. The void had grown and made a home inside of my soul. I have grieved for my own created by my own thoughts.

I have built appreciation- For myself...my life...the people I am sharing it with...and the memories I am able to create in the mix. I have learned to accept things I am unable to change and realize that I am surrounded by beauty. I have learned to start my mornings off with staring at the sky...and knowing I am here for reasons.

I have grown sensitivity- I have been able to take my experiences and use them as a cloud to protect judgement...to understand the little things in life...to realize that I am not the only person on earth. I have allowed myself to meet eyes with someone...and to share my thoughts with them...and know that- they aren't all the same. I have given myself the ability to open up...even if I get hurt. No adventure worth while...without a little pain.

Okay....the point????

My point here is- I am an amazing person.

Will you still love me tomorrow?

I very often forget this. No one thinks that...this is it. We are living in our lives...right now...as we speak. We always say- I want to do this in life...I want to be this...I'm waiting for that great opportunity to come along...one day, I'll find someone who will love me...

Well those days may never come. But today- you've got. Take advantage of it. Most won't get too many tomorrows.

Maybeeee....Kindaaaaa....Sortaaaa

I feel like this is the story of my life. Each and everyday...I think to myself...how did I end up here? What brought me to this moment? Never in my mind would I have imagined being here...but for some crazy- who knows reason...I am.

I have lost many things. I have moved on from many people. I have gone in too many directions.

Maybe if I just stand still...be content with all of this...I will end up right where I belong?

"Why wouldn't I want that"?

If i walked away from you today, and stayed away, would you miss me? Would you feel the void? Would there be a void to feel? 

Is there ever a moment when you get the feeling of fear? Fear of losing me? 

I'll add this to the list of unanswered questions that will never get answers. 

The past few days..

These past few days for me...have been a combination of both amazing adventures, and dissapointing findings.

Someone told a story aloud yesterday, that almost brought me to tears. The worse feeling in the world is when you can feel yourself wanting to cry- but you have to hold it back.

Somewhere in the story, it got to the point of explaining how this woman was  giving away her son's clothing. The son had just passed away...and this woman was crying while taking the clothes from off of the hanger.

I remember this feeling. The break down. The pole in the closet four feet from the ground. The space that housed her pretty dresses, and not yet worn outfits. When all was said and done...left empty.

That was probably the first moment I was alone, that I actually felt the reality of it all. She was gone. Her things were gone. No more crying. No more smiles. No more songs.

No more ladybugs. My life as I knew it- was over.




I woke up this morning sad. Given the circumstances and whom I was able to spend my morning with, I should have been the happiest and most content person in the world. But something changed. Magic was lost. Another moment of reality setting in. Staring me in my face.

No more Good nights. My life as I knew it- was over, again.



Its now time to move on. To start from the beginning once again. To build up without giving up. Its going to take a lot of me to get through this. Its going to burn the already burnt out part on me to the point of shutting down.

I once said- I'm not lonely, I'm just alone. That's not really working for me much anymore.