While there is perhaps a province in which the photograph can tell us nothing more than what we see with our own eyes, there is another in which it proves to us how little our eyes permit us to see

~ Dorothea Lange

Me and Nicky went ice skating...I fell three times, then whined liked a baby....so he says to me...Mom..just go sit down, you're acting like a little girl. OMG. Boys are MEAN!!!

Me and Nicholas

...and the whole world crumbles

My day today was pretty good. Nothing really to complain about. Can you believe it?? I cant. Just spent the last two hours wrapping presents, and haven't even made a dent in what I need to get done. One more day left. They should have ppl u can hire to come to ur house and do that for u. How great would that be?


Its strange how your whole day can be one thing...one outlook, one mood...and with one thought, it changes completely. Just one thought. The power that-that in itself, possesses is unbelievable. Its doesn't just effect your thoughts, it effects everything. It feels like something just touched your shoulders, and is holding u in place. Almost like a weight. The weight you've been ignoring. It never really goes away I guess. It only gets easier to carry. Easier to hide. Easier to put on a pretty face and pretend it doesn't exist. That is...until you have this one thought, and everything crumbles.

Kayla's Tree

Hello Mr. Mailman...

 I never open my mail. Never. I have this box I throw it all into, and when it gets full then I go through it. Its one of those monotonous things throughout your week that I just don't have the time for. Especially during the holidays. Its always either junk mail, xmas cards, or bills. A whole lot of BLAH. For some reason I looked in my box and notice this letter. Apparently my results came from the bone scans, and I already missed the appt. Whatever. Who sends appts in the mail anyways. What happened to phone calls. They sent me a summary of each scan and told me everything I already knew. What was the point of spending countless hours doing these tests for them to only tell me what I already know. This is why I hate doctors. They over charge you. They lie to you. They play pretend in front of you. They walk in circles of one another and call it being thorough. See what happens when I listen to the countless ppl that tell me that I need to do this? I get nadda. This is my last time. I'm not going back. Its just gonna have to be what it is, and left that way. I am so done with it. Whatever happens, happens.

Anyways, Ive had a long, what the fuck night...I am going to bed.

Late night holiday parties + relatives = being chased on I-95 by 6 police cars.

What fun.

Scary-ish. I stepped foot on this ship and was literally ready to die.

 Boats are not my thing. At least I can say I did try.

When I was younger, and wouldn't get onto boats, my parents solution was to send me to swimming classes. When I finish them and they tried to get me to go on one again, and I wouldn't, they took me to the beach and tried to put me on a jet ski, like that was any better?!? What sense does that make? When I think back on some of the things my parents did, and some of the decisions they made, I can do nothing but think...what the fuck were they thinking?? Maybe that's where my craziness comes from. Anyways, they failed at every attempt. Never again. Never.



Morning Morning Morning and so on

My night...last night...wasnt all that rememberable. It was ok, for as much as I was able to recollect.

I went into my day with nothing. No feelings, no ambition, nothing. Its worked out pretty good so far. It leaves no point of regret to meet, no point of loss. I'm only using this for today though, so get it while u can.
If I went into each of my days with this, or like this...what would be the point. It would be a waste. If it wasnt the holidays, I wouldnt even be given myself this day. So for now, its like that.

Maybe I'll get through the rest of this day without anything to bring those not so great thoughts and whatnot....so BE NICE. I PROMISE to return the favor. :)

Misdirected Beliefs

The design that is put together in our heads, at such an early age decides how the structure of your mind works for the rest of your life. Who is to say those "architects" know what they are doing? Who qualifies anyone to create this? God? No. I don't believe that.

It is so seldom that we are able to believe things within our own means. What kind of persona does that give to the world? It gives this over analyzed rate of crime, under appreciated education, and no means of an end. It is pure torture in the brain to watch and allow for this. If its like this now, just imagine what it will be like a hundred years from now. Its a shame in itself.

SM Again

One of these days its gonna be me putting u in dark rooms and making u do bad things. Only this time, there will be no exits. No ways out. You better brush up on those skills.


I was in a dark room the other night doing my pictures, and I kept hearing these noises. I didnt know where they were coming from. I freaked out...couldnt even breathe right. Tried to leave and curtains were all up in my way. Didnt help any. Here it was the vent fan for the lasers going off. I completely embarrassed myself. Luckily, there was only a few ppl outside. Reminded me of u though.

Just an FYI

If you didnt like it, u wouldnt be in it. You talk a good game on everything being otherwise, but i know better. Because of course, I'm crazy. Right??

Thats one of those things that we don't talk about. Its a big whatever though. At the end of the day, it is what it is.

I had a pretty good day, with the exception of being called  a bad name. I'm getting ready to go out and about...again...with some of my fav ppl. Last time I'll get to see them before holidays. Luckily I have nothing to report and index for u know what, so that gives me no work from that till next month. Even I can't believe that. Seems a little too good to be true. We will see I guess.

I found out about the card. Joey found it and brought it in...talk about saving my ass. My tough guy brother is sooo awesome. I went through all of that trouble for nadda. Just wish I knew about it last night. But thats ok, its good now.

My new word for crazy is trouble. Therefore...I'm not crazy, I'm just trouble. Keep that in mind. At least I am good trouble!!

Buck

I got an xmas card from the new brother....inside it says...

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Hope things are well, can't wait to meet you someday!!

Then at the bottom (handwritten) it says....
We make living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.

WTF have I been put into? I feel like I have strings tied to me and they are being pulled on from all different directions.

Real Estate for Dummies

My day today was ok. With the exception of a few ppl pissing me off. (you know who you are)

So...against my better judgement, I sat there, and listened to some idiot going on and on about losing their house. Now...does this sound like something I really want to hear? No. This all goes back to the whole- you get yourself into your own situations thing. I strongly believe that you are what you surround yourself with, you are who you surround yourself with, you are who you present yourself to be.

Anyways...this person...they say theres this guy...who is gonna buy her out of forclosure and pay off any debts on mortgage, and she could still live in the house...all she had to do was sign the house over to this guy and pay a percentage of "rent". OMFG. Really? Are ppl really this dumb?

In reality, this guy is gonna say all the good things he needs to say to this women to get her to sign some papers. He will then file paperwork with the bank...under the original account of the original owners...asking for time. He will continue to do this for as long as he can...a year or two probably. Meanwhile, collecting rent front this "previous" owner, and banking cash for nadda for as long as he can get away with it. Then after a while, sheriffs will start knocking at the door, leaving notices, and eventually this poor(stupid) lady will be out of luck and will be stuck having to move anyways. Its the common schemers dream all wrapped up in one conversation of promises that are hard to tell otherwise....unless u wait two years to find out. All he has to pay is postage for his not so legal lawyer.

Are people in this world really that naive? Apparently so. I have not until recently, met so many like that. Many that think things just fix themselves that easily. Making mistakes is sometimes good, because you learn something from it, but something like this wouldnt be considered a mistake, it would be stupidity. But me...with my COMPOSURE just nodded while letting this women tell me the story...then I walked away. Done with it. I can't be everybodys mom-ma!!!

I am just that good. Enough said. As early as it is...I gotta be out and about right about now. (3 outs in one sentence...told ya it was early)

SO TRUE!



How'd ya like that??

My letter is half way done. Kinda taking me way too long to do. Either way, I'm doing it. I'll let ya see it when I get done with it.

It really does suck the way people are percieved at first glance. Not even glance, thought. I don't know this person, but almost every feeling I have towards him is something bad. Im usually good at judging people. I am always the bias side. I am always the fair one. Normally, most of the time I am right. Its a good thing that the whole world cant hear my thoughts, or I'd be in a whole lotta trouble!


Its early now...thats why my words seem unorganized and unthought of. Coffee time. :)

Regardless...of all that has been said...that is being said...that will be said...I am not afraid.

My mind is set, and my mindset is strong. I challenge you to prove me wrong.

Good Morning!!! Its been a few days...I know. Being on vacation wasnt all that vacation-ish. It was nice though. Got to do a few things I wouldnt normally have been able to do. Which was good. Now...for the hard part. Something funny in the air....its making people act a little more crazier than normal. I better stay away from all that!! We all know I dont need to add anymore crazy to myself.

I saw mommy kissing santa clause.............

So I'm making breakfast for my son and nephew this morning. 7:30 AM mind you. My nephew asks me...Do you think Santa will bring me the puppy I asked for? I say...Santa doesn't deliver puppies. (knowing that my sister wasnt getting him this puppy) My son then says...so when santa brought me my puppy when I was 7...its wasnt really santa that brought it to me??

OMFG. I THINK I JUST RUINED SANTA FOR THEM BOTH. LEAVE IT TO ME RIGHT??


SO I PUT THEIR ASSES ON THE SCHOOL BUS AND WENT BACK TO BED. IN HOPES TO RE-START MY DAY. SO FAR...SO GOOD.

You cant tell i was drinking can ya?

All the pretty flowers are dying...as sad as that is...this picture is still beautiful!

My pretty princess!!!

Middle of winter...and they are still there.

Its getting to business time!

I have three days to complete my outline. Three days?! I havent even put two thoughts down on paper yet. I have four shoots this week, one of which is first thing tomorrow morning, bright and early. I still have tons of xmas shopping to do, and three birthdays this week...thats gonna be a....heres your gift...sorry I can't stay sorta thing...and all of this with trying to escape for a few days to south carolina to meet my new brother for the first time ever. So much for being on vacation!


I drove to washington dc yesterday...and I remember going there when I was younger...lots of times...but I dont remember it being so ghettooooooo!!! I did get to see my strawberry mountain tho! So it was well worth it! 

This is one of those circumstances where saying fuck it, would not work. Its a good thing that I am me...and can handle things well. I'll let ya know how things play out with this week.

Its beginning to look a lot like....

20 days left....till Santa comes...which by the way...how come Santa isnt a girl?  

I've had it, I'm having it, I'm done with it.

Its gonna be one of those nights. One of those get the fuck out and dont ever come back nights.

 I feel a road trip coming on...where we going?

Son of a...

So...I ended up having a pretty good day. I got to spend some of it with two of my favs, which was nice. Made the end of my day not so bad. I lose contact with far too many people that I shouldnt, and I keep contact with some that I probably shouldnt. Its kinda ironic isnt it? You never know though, who you should choose to keep in your life and who you should let go of. Theres no easy way to make that decision. You jump in, and take things as they come at ya. At the end of the day, it is what it is...right? So far...so good...at least for me. (i think)  :)

4 PM TOMORROW CANT COME SOON ENOUGH! :)

Its raining!!!!!! I knew a month ago it was gonna rain today. Cuz im just that good. Maybe the rain will make my day go by with some sort of ease today. Guess we'll see!! ONLY ONE MORE DAY AFTER TODAY...THEN IT IS SOOOOOO ON!

I am sooooooooo under appreciated! At least my bed loves me!

I'm not mean, I just say what everybody else keeps in their heads.

Ok, so maybe just a little. But what can be expected? Seriously? One person's idea of mean is not the same as another's. If I have something I feel you need to hear, I will say it. I am straight and to the point most of the time. Thats how everyone should be. I am not going to pretend or fake a smile. So...with that being said, when you ask me an opinion, I'm gonna tell ya. Whether you like my answer or not, doesnt matter to me.


See how mean I can be?

S.M.

can you spell asshole? cuz im pretty sure i could teach u. i have yet to get anything nice outta yet. wtf does that say about u? u could be just a little bit of a non asshole sometimes. :)

If I actually did "live like theres no tomorrow"...I'd be in jail.

No one ever thinks about things like that when they tell someone something like that. They see it as...go ahead, take the chance, just go for it. People sometimes forget the responsibilities that lie behind everyone. Yeah, its nice to be about to say screw it sometimes, and just do it...but u pick ur battles. You choose which are worth the consequences. You lead urself into those possibilities. Its that big thing that in put into the category of what the...fuck. Easier said then done. Each day, if I really did what I wanted to do...I would be in a pile of what the....well u know. Just imagine...morning drive to work...someone pisses you off for walking across the street slow...and ur already late...makes u want to run em over. What if you did? When that one person that you dont want to speak to...but you know u have to...comes to talk to you....and all you want to do is turn around and walk the other way. What if you did? Id even say...when you want nothing but to go into a dark room and do unimaginable things with someone else...but u know u shouldnt. What if you did? Theres lots of what if's going around. The only way to make that what if...into wow...is to do those things...and take those chances. But what are the consequences? What are the resposibilities of doing any of them? No matter what the action is, theres always outcome.

Some people live their wholes lives with the complete opposite motto. I don't know. Its nice to try sometimes.  On occasion...that is what second chances were created for I guess. We'll just have to wait and see.

How do I go from one thing...to a whole different thing. Luckily...I'm usually the only one who interprets that.

And the worst part is, I knew that all of this was going to happen...

What can I say? I could have either been super whatever and saved u...or I couldve done what I did. Whatever. Your all grown up. You don't listen to me or anyone else anyways. After the thirty times I've tried, I think I can pretty much say...I tried enough. There comes a time in everyones life where they need to learn their own lessons, by themselves. This is your turn. Its pretty pathetic that it comes down to a situation like this to actually come to the realization of whats going on. Where did common sense go? Where did instincts go? Apparently...they left your ass a long time ago. Whats even more sad...that I will be the one feeling bad for you when you can't help yourself. Pathetic.

LALALA

You.

You drive me crazy. You make me think I'm crazy more often than I actually am. (hopefully?) On any other given day, time, moment, I am Me. I don't get scared, or nervous, or weird. I'm very to the point, and don't question anything once I make my choice, or say I'm going to do something. When it comes to You though...its the complete opposite. You are mean to me, and you make fun of me, and laugh at me, and piss me off. I cuss at you in my head probably twenty times a day. It takes a lot for me to get mad or angry. It doesn't happen very often. With You...it sometimes does. You make me think too much sometimes. I don't know any meanings behind all of your crazy talk. That is, unless I pry it out of you. You make me think about things that I normally would never think about. That may be a good thing. I dunno. We both made a deal with each other a long time ago, and I'm pretty sure that neither one of us has kept to it. When I say something to you, and it sounds like I am very confident, its probably because I am.  You are that way too, but with you...there's a little cockiness and attitude behind it.

You didn't think I was gonna tell you all the good stuff did you? That would put me in the not such a bitch after all position...and we couldn't have that.


ALL IN ALL...I WOULDN'T HAVE YOU ANY OTHER WAY. (BETTER?)

Love, Miranda?

I just found out that my "new" brother James will be going to Afghanistan Jan 1st. Hes young. My youngest brother...I think. I havent met him yet. I was planning on going to meet him in a few months, but thats probably not the best of ideas right now. Maybe I'll go next week..when I am on vacation...I dunno. It just sux to hear something like that. I'd ask GOD to pray for him, but that would go against everything I believe. Hope. Hope. Hope...or Nothing.


He signed his letter to me....Love, Buck.

Am I supposed to sign my letter back...Love, Miranda???

I dunno what my thoughts there are.

For some reason...I just got this really strong feeling. Mr. Turner...I hope u are ok. I just tried looking for u...with no luck.

.................................

IM GOING TO COME DOWN THERE AND BEAT THE MEAN NESS OUTTA YOU. WHATCHA GONNA DO THEN??

Deck the halls with bells of holly???

HAD TO DO IT, I HATED THAT PICTURE

When I see pictures of myself, I think...OMG...what the fuck was I thinking???

So...after an "OK" day...late night...I get home. I walk in the door, go downstairs, get dressed and what not. I go upstairs, and I swear I saw something fall from my ceiling. But nothing was there. Talk about crazy. Must be my mind playing tricks on me again. :)

So...I went onto facebook earlier and was trying to respond to someones post...when I noticed a post by someone else. This was a family members post, talking about how her four year old is in love with some singer or whatever. Now all day, all week, I did pretty good. In fact, considering I am no fan of holidays, I did damn good. This post, was by someone who had a daughter just a few months after Kayla was born. So now, in my head...I picture MY Kayla. As a four year old. Its unbelievable. It only takes an instant to bring memories and sorrow into my head. It screws me up beyond belief. Its not fair. Now I know, that there isn't much in life that is fair, but some things, some things should be. Either way, I can complain and whine and pity myself, but what good does that do? I hold my thoughts and feelings with the utmost importance, so when I have uncertainty throughout my day, I take it in, and soak it up. Being sad is sad. Its part of life though. I just wish it wasn't staring me in my face every which way I turned.

Whats worse, is this particular family member. I have distanced myself from her. We used to be very close. When we would run into each other at family outings or parties, I would associate, but that would be it. When I see her with her daughter, I try to picture my daughter. What she would look like. I think...so that is how big she would be..while looking at this little girl that isn't my little girl. I would think...her hair would be that long by now...or she would be that tall. I know it probably stems from being envious, or jealous, or angry because she still has her daughter, and I don't have mine. Its horrible to have thoughts like that, but I have them.


Anyways, I'm off to bed. That pretty bed of mine is calling my name. Goodnight!

barenaked ladies- break your heart....love this song!

My Pretty Tuesday

I hate tuesdays. What is the point of a day like tuesday? It doesnt signify anything, and its rarely used for much planning. It is just a crappy day to have within your week. That being said... I love you tuesdays.

Again, like I've mentioned before, I may very well be crazy. But who isn't???

I've had some pretty interesting experiences lately. Nothing illegal, or unthought of, or out of the ordinary to most. To me though, it is just some here and there kinda moments. Anyways, I have had lots thrown at me to think about. I've had lots of newness, that I never thought I'd have. Its almost overwhelming at times, but so what. I can handle it tho. :)

YOU

My words for you are unrecognizable. When you allow feelings to be brought into the mix, its a whole other ballpark you're playing in. And by allow, I mean....what did u think was going to happen...hello??? Let me just say, it was very uncool. VERY.

To tell someone how to treat someone? To tell someone not to be nice to someone? To be offended that you can be half decent when speaking to someone. Seriously? That, in itself is ONE of my reasons. JUST ONE.

Happiness...seems a lot like sorrow...or not?

Ive decided that I should send a letter back. Thats the right thing to do, right? Either way, doesnt matter. Im going to do it. I hate that I get so drawn and pushed back and forth with these kinda things. Everyday, all day, I can make a decision, without questioning myself. When it comes to things like this, I cant. I second guessed myself with this. I have to quit doing that. I am working on it though.

Anyways, my day went pretty well. With the exception of a few moments throughout, which peoples just decided it would be a good idea to piss me off a little. But all in all, it was an ok day. To be able to say that, is beyond good enough.

One day I'll be happy? No. Everyday, at least once, I am happy. Its an emotion. Not a timeline, or event that just happens. People tend not to remember that. They take what they have for granted, and put out so much negative emotions, that it nearly kills them and everyone around them. Ok...maybe not kill...but u know what I mean.

The worse thing to happen at three am when u are dead tired? Not being able to get back to sleep. Having to wake up in three hours doesnt help either...

So...I actually finished it. Can you believe it?? It only took me a week and a half...but who was counting??

Boo F-ING Hoooooooooo

So, I got a letter back from my "real" dad a few days ago. It was really sad. When I collect my thoughts on it, I'll tell ya all about it. It is very...very...hard to grasp for me. I dunno.

Anyways, im not feeling all that great. Sleep isnt helping, Medicine isnt working. So...im gonna go make a nice cup of hot tea, and hide from the world. Goodnight!!

Halloween

I dont like Halloween. I mean, its not the worst holiday, but it is one thats just not neccessary. It isnt neccessay to dress up looking foolish. Its not neccessary to walk children in the freezing cold just to get candy. Its not neccessary to have kids knocking on strangers doors. Who came up with halloween anyways? I'd like to meet the person. It may have been cool 50 years ago, but its not now.

I took my daughter out trick or treating tonight. I mustve found five kids who couldnt find their parents. I was literally yelling in the middle of the street- did someone lose a child? If you cant watch your children, or u dont have enough patience to deal with them, or u dont want them around, then dont have them. Parents these days are horrible sometimes. I dont let myself get out in that scene too often, and when i do, it pisses me off because half the people in this world that have children, really shouldnt have them. Its pretty bad when a child cannot find their mother, and when they do...they get yelled at for it. The parent should be watching the child. Its not the other way around.

Enough bitching, im off to bake some cookies...haha 

Goodnight!