Screwed

Do I stick with it or move on? Do I continue to be patient with my days, or discontinue this waiting game? Do I allow myself to feel like less of a person to appease someone else's time, or go forward with my own? Do I keep letting others create who I am,  or do I forgive, forget, and do whats best for me?

Is this life's punishment to me? Is it catching me up for everything I missed out on growing up?

No one warns you that things like this could happen, and even though I warned myself- I wasn't listening.

Bada Bingggg

Ughh!!! I wanna kill him and kiss him at the same time! Just not in the creepy kinda way...

Sunshine

Sometimes...you've got to dance with the tigers..

So heres the thing...I put myself out there, time and time again. Unknowingly of course. And stupid me thought it was normal to put forth so much with no return. Mistakes learned from poor decision making seem to be my forte. Not anymore.

GONE

Just when I think I've got it under control, things completely get away from me. Its exhausting to try and catch everything all at once. Doesn't mean I have to give up right?

These last few months have been hard for me. It seems I am slowly losing details of some of the most precious things I have always held onto. This step to grief is not forewarned in any book, or any list. When I lost her, I must have read a hundred books of grieving, and how to deal with it. Mainly because I wanted to make sure that what I was feeling, was normal. To know that someone else in this world had the same feelings was almost comforting to me. This- what I am feeling lately, was never mentioned.

Seems I think of something new each day that I question. How did we spend Valentines Day? What color was her very first outfit she wore? What kind of shoes did she wear? Did she ever wear shoes? How many baths did she have? What did her hair smell like? Did she sleep through the night when she was first born? How many times did she laugh? What was her favorite thing to see?

This list could go on for hours.

Its hard to not have a grasp on something so important. It leaves me struggling to find answers. It leaves me angry with myself for not remembering.

Right before she passed away, I took one of my computers into a repair shop. Something about the sound card wasn't working. I don't remember that either...but anyways, this computer- it had pictures of her on there. It had some sort of voice recordings of my son playing with her, it had "memories" of her on it. Anyways, in the mix of everything that happened, I forgot about the computer. I forgot that I had dropped it off. It must have been two months before I remembered that I had dropped it off. I remember I was packing her things. Her tiny, new things. Then it came to me. I immediately jumped up off of the floor. I was already a mess as it was. I panicked. I jumped in my car and drove to the computer repair shop. When I got there, I ran in frantic. Tears streaming from my eyes.

It was gone.

The woman told me that when repairs aren't picked up in thirty days, they get destroyed.

GONE.

I was beside myself. I must have sat there, in front of the shop for maybe two hours. Sitting there on the sidewalk. It was gone. She was gone. Everything was gone. 

My point in mentioning this is that the only thing I have left to go on is memory. It scares the hell out of me when I am unable to recollect those thoughts.  

Ava

I had this strange and scary dream a few nights ago. Normally, a few moments after waking up, I forget about my dreams, or I dont put too much thought into them. This one, I cant stop thinking about.

I was in some sort of field, there were squares of crates filled with hay. Not sure what this place was. In my dream, I get some sort of feeling about Ava. I go straight to my sister, and yell- Where is she? Where is she? What kind of mother are you! Find her now! Why aren't you looking???  In my head, I already knew she was gone somehow. Like I accepted it and was righteous about the fact that Ava was gone. In the dream- I was right. I found her. She lay there in the crate. Breathless. I immediately jump back, and cry. Then I wake up. Kind of..I was still asleep, but my thoughts were still asleep. I frantically thought- Where is Ciara....where is she. Then someone (I dont know who) gave me the look of sadness. I went directly into grief mode. As though- she had already been gone, and I lost her all over again. I woke up from that unsure of where I was. It took me a few moments to recollect things.

So...I woke up for real this time...finally...when I realized it was just a dream...my initial feeling was- wow...thank you...I am so grateful to have her. I walked into Ciara's bedroom and held her so tight. She woke up and said to me- Good morning mommy. I love you.

I am not sure what any of this has to do with anything. I do know that it isnt normal for me to be dreaming about children dying. I really hope this dream wasn't an indication of anything. It was so clear and vivid.

Hard to love

This is what I do. I push away those that love me.

For one specific...

HAD TO DELETE.

I'm too miserable for my own good. When I feel I have no options, five different ones get thrown in my face. None of which are ones I want. I guess I should succumb to the fact that I'm better off the way I am. At least for now. No expectations equal no feelings hurt. I'm so much smarter than that.

Why won't he just admit it?

I think I saw you yesterday. Was it you?

My regrets

1. Not staying awake all night on 4/16/05.
2. Disassociating myself with my best friend when he may have needed me the most.
3. Not telling the greatest love of my life that I love him.
4. Allowing disaster to enter my home.
5. Not sticking up for myself when I knew I should have.
6. Forgiving someone I shouldn't have forgiven the first time.
7. Allowing myself to be part of a relationship that could break an entire family apart.
8. Letting you leave that morning.
9. Not following someone when they asked me to.
10. Leaving you before giving you a chance.
11. Not having the guts to call you.
12. Hating you.
13. Punking out when I shouldve dove in.
14. Not getting on a plane to Arizona to see you.
15. Letting you slip away.
16. Loving you when I knew better.
17.
18.
19.
20.

Obviously this list could go on and on and on. At the time when I made these choices, I thought they were what's best. Life sucks are teaching us lessons that we don't want to learn. It will pull you in and shred you to pieces if you let it. Regrets of mine, are only experiences that I hope I have gained something from.

There is one thing on that list above that I plan to remove from the list. Can you guess which one?

Turner

I frequently allow myself to think of you. I find myself throughout my day, wondering- "What if"..."Is he okay"... Its hard to live with the reality of knowing you left behind some of the greatest people in the world. Some of the most caring, loving, and open people of your past. When all is said and done, they were left there for a reason, right?

At the mercy of...

MY OWN STUBBORNESS. One day I am good, the next, beside myself, then good again. Talk about some kinda psycho craziness going on up there for me. I dont know how anyone in their right mind is able to deal with me and my crazy. I guess thats why everyone keeps me at arms length. Even the ones I am closest to. If I was placed into their shoes, I wouldn't get too close to someone like me either. How sad is that?

5/22

Afternoon thought- I wonder if we had the same hands. I wish I was home right now to find a picture of her hands. I've been racking my brain today to try and remember what they looked like. It's slipping away slowly and that scares the hell out of me.

I won't stumble, for I've got no place to fall :)

The surprises demised by others are the ones you fear the most.

I have to say...he drives me crazy!

Pretty Lashes

Well, today wasn't really what I thought it would be. These last few weeks haven't been what I thought they'd be. Its really disappointing when I think about it. I do that often. I have a tendency to set expectations of myself and others that don't normally pan out like I picture them to.  I spend the majority of my time working. I dont spend enough time with my children as I'd like. I miss them always.  Look at my "relationship" life. We arent even gonna talk about current here...I was with one person for what seems to be my entire life. This person is not around anymore. Regardless of the reasons as to why, its still a life changing result. When I got over my initial sadness and fear...I thought- Wow, now this is going to be my time. My time to have fun and finally enjoy myself and life in general. I wont have anyone holding me down. No one that I have to take into account when making decisions. Independence. Independence sounds amazing, huh? Didn't quite work out that way.  I quickly realized that life gets hard. Nights get scary.  Its definitely not all its cracked up to be.  Here I am now...on my own. I spend very little time on the things I enjoy. I rarely have any fun. My days have turned into monotonous moments that come and go, over and over again. I frequently feel like I have no grasp on anything in my life.  As a person, I have always been strong. I have always been one that felt I didnt need anyone. But if this was the case...why do I feel this way now?

At least I have long pretty eye lashes to cover my eyes!

I'm soooo over getting mad at you. You expect me to put things out there, but are unwilling to expose it yourself. When you man up and make your decisions, then I will be more inclined to put myself out there for you. Until then, quit playing games with me.

I've got the whole world to tell, you've only got one person to tell.

Explosive when with him

I miss him. Each and everyday, I miss him. Even when I am right beside him, I miss him. I've always told myself that I would never allow myself to be so invested into any one person, but with him, I just can't help myself.

Theres something wrong with me.

Let's not do this...

No one ever told me things could be this way. No one warned me that life gets like this. I am quickly learning to put moments on hold. I am slowly learning how to deal with them. I am unwilling to learn that I've done this to myself.

Under the covers

The only place in the whole entire world I feel at peace.

This was the moment I knew- I wanted nothing else but you. The things we shared. Not yet gone, but slowly it slips away.

Two people too confused and stubborn to take advantage of what they both want. Two people who love eachother, who couldnt imagine their lives without one another. Two people who will never be together. Two people afraid to tell the other.

Definately leaves a lot of dissapointment.

After all that we've been through..

I feel lost. I feel like these past couple of months are swallowing me whole. I feel like getting a grasp on my days is damn near impossible. I didn't allow myself to get over things I needed to. I didn't allow myself to be hurt and break down this time. I didn't allow myself to come to terms with where I'm at right now. It has left me withdrawn, sad, and frustrated.

I want so badly to be over it. I want to feel nothing but ambition, and courage, and inspiration. Thing is though- each time I try, I fail. I end up in the same place I started from. I'm running out of reasons to keep trying.

Bottle brush

Unbeknownst to me....its been there the whole time.

My oh my...what a wonderful Miranda.