Breakdown

One of the worst feelings in the world is when there isn't a soul in the world that has faith in you. When you, yourself, feel hopeless. When you wake up in the morning and don't want to face the day. When you realize that the life you've made for yourself really is a bucket of nothing. When the bad far outweighs the good because good does not exist.

This weight is unbearable. Its unfair. This is when you are stuck. It's in this moment when you find yourself wondering if you are up for the fight. Is the fight worth it? How can you be sure you want to fight? The fear of not knowing if it will work stops you in your tracks. It's like staring down that barrel, in hopes it won't shoot. Hope is hard to come by though, so you fail to have the desire to stare.

I try to understand the reasoning behind the struggles I am faced with. Why is this happening? What did I do to get myself into this mess? How could I have avoided it? How do I get out of it? Can I get out of it? Will things ever be better? Will I ever be content?

Don"t wanna burn by myself

Over the last few days, I've been going absolutely crazy with thoughts circling inside of this mess of a mind of mine.

I woke up a day and so ago with just pure anguish being poured overtop of me. I'm pretty sure that it was brought on by some random triggers going on lately, but still...I thought I was getting away from all of this.

I miss her. I am still filled with anger. I am still at war with myself because of this. I have so much guilt built up inside of me that sometimes it reminds me of a house fire. Swallowing up the home, the memories, the foundation. When that fire is out, the remains are a few random pieces of burnt furniture and some broken glass. Water has damaged anything that would have or could have hoped to be salvaged in the midst of the saving.

I am that mess, those remains.

No one else knows this though. I will not let that happen.