Hey, by the way-

The real estate market. Are you kidding me?

Its no wonder that there are banks across the US filing for bankruptcy, going out of business, laying people off, etc. What did they think was going to happen? The man sitting in that pretty shiny high back office chair twenty years ago, had to of seen this coming, did he not? I try not to give my thoughts or opinions on things like this, because someone, somewhere wants to argue the point, but its hard not to.

If you were to call your bank right now, and ask them for your original documents on your mortgage, I guarantee you they would not be able to provide them. These documents, lay, covered in dust in some warehouse in the middle of no where. How can you hold someone to their loans without having complete, thorough paperwork. Do these banks not have competent lawyers on hand?

You are putting your name on the dotted line, beside someone in this crazy screwed up world. Having faith that they will come through on their end and be solid for years to come. Who in this world is solid?

Okay, sure, sometimes you have to take the chance. But when taking the chance, why wouldnt you cover all bases?

It pisses me off because now, because people are stupid. My time gets wasted because others don't know what they are doing. Ughhhh!!!

Couple of familiar faces, is gonna turn it all around?

Forgive me, but I don't understand how one can say that those around them make them into who they become. Your mind is on the inside for a reason. Its the only livelihood man has left to take upon himself and do as he pleases with. I will not agree with someone not being able to make their own choices, change the way they live, or live with themselves- and blame it on those around you. Thats BS.

Do not come at with nonsense.

Suck it up, admit your mistakes, take blame, and move on.

Like stones in your pocket, people try to weigh you down

Dont let them get the best of ya.

Otherwise, you may just be a weak as the ones throwing em around. We couldnt have that now could we?

Ain't it good to think about the weather...doesn't seem to be time for that anymore..

When all is said and done, as much as I complain, and whine, I wouldnt have it any other way. Reality can be a harsh awakening for anyone. You gotta learn to take the good with the bad, to know that regardless of what has happened, what the world has thrown in your hands, what lies outside the windows, things will be just fine.

And if all else fails, put some pretty sneakers on and face it head on.

One day I will build a fountain...to make my own wish.

Things aren't always as they may seem. You may look at something with a naked eye, and be in awe, over how amazing it is. Little do you know...you're wrong.

Take myself for instance.

I am capable of prettying up myself and showing the world this strong, independent, beautiful person that I am. However, those people watching do not know about the details of my life. They don't know that I am filled with great sadness over the loss in my life. They don't know that I fight to get out of bed in the morning. They don't know that I only sleep three hours a night. They don't know that I get scared at each noise behind me. They don't know how stupid I am.

They don't know because I don't allow them too.

This goes for everything. Each and every person or thing has a story behind it. Before you throw judgements and quality amongst it, or at them, remember that.

The most decieving things in this crazy screwed up world are your very own eyes.

How many first kisses can there be?

Love will make you do many silly things. But what's life without a little love and a little silliness?

My only goodbye.

You make me sad.

I wish I had the nerve or the confidence to say to you some of the things you should probably hear. I wish I wasnt so blind to the dark hole that you lead me to. I wish I wasnt so dependent on you being in my day. I wish you would leave my head and my thoughts and my mind. I wish I didnt love you.

Goodbye.

Well worth a smile.

The light of the night brought you
But how quick it was to turn
It showed my reasons to grieve you
I guess I was my only concern.

To be left guessing without you
It swallowed me whole
It took away every ounce of you
And left me with no control.

I leave my day with wanting you
In hopes of seeing your beautiful face
I awake sadden over the loss of you
To move on without embrace.

When does this feeling go away?

I'm not lonely. I'm alone.

Today. I don't know if I accomplished something that I can take with me forever. I doubt I have made a difference in any part of this world. I am completely unsure of what tomorrow has to offer me. But I can say this...I was not placed in this life with all of the answers. I can guarantee that I will take my mistakes to heart, and learn from them. Let's just hope I don't make too many of those though.

Its the middle of the night. I just suddenly burdened myself with great sadness and grief. I am not even sure what sparked it, or where its pointed towards, but its there.

Everyday I live without her, I disappoint myself. Every moment of my life, I miss her. It may seem to have been a great deal of time since she was here, but it feels like I am still living the nightmare. Day in, and day out. Its almost embarrassing. It seems like I let down the whole world when she was taken, and now, no matter what I do, I can't make it right.

Loss. Its a horrible, painful, and giant part of life. Completely uncontrollable for the most part.

But why does it seem like so many of my days are filled with this uncontrollable loss?

A long time...didn't know what I was doing...

What else can I do?

Im in dire need of some inspiration.

Picking up trash in dresses...

"I never wanted to see you half as bad in all my life as I do now."

Beautiful mess. Thats what it is. What happened to that? What happened to true, serene, unconditional love? What happened to women wanting to seen as women. To be respected, and treated as though they were the only one in the room. To be the one who doesnt have to fend for his attention. To be the one who is always worth fighting for. What happened?

I see it everyday. Women, being treated horrible. Being there for the sole purpose of filling in. Being screamed at, or looked past. At what point did this become okay? At which point did this become normal to walk by without reaction? At which point did the world find it was content with settling. This isnt 100 years ago. Why settle?

I grew up with parents who were picture perfect. They always seemed to be happy, or at least content with what they had. They were solid. They were two people placed on this earth, made for one another. Or so I thought.

Now that I'm older, I can see a bit more clearly. I am not so blind to weaknesses, and troubles.

I now look at my picture perfect parents, and feel sorry for them. It makes me sad to know they settled for one another. It makes me sad that they thought it was a neccessity to keep one another around, just simply because- thats what you do.

If nothing else, if I accomplish nothing more, I WILL not settle. I will not recind my beliefs or expectancy to match someone else's level.

You either get it, or you dont. Whatever.

Day One

My heart will be fine, just stop wasting my time.

I break someone's heart each day. Whether it be my own, or someone else's. Each day. I know I do it. Sometimes, I can't help it. Sometimes I can.

Who care's though right?

In a world where what we want, is what we want until we hit the top.

The thought of what I'd do for you
Seems crazy even to me
The paths I'd lead myself down
Yet, you dont even see.

My mind is overwhelmed
by nothing else but you
My awareness fell to pieces
Yet, you seem to have no clue.

I've let you overcome me. But not anymore. I'm done.

Trying to make the best of my time

And so it begins. The conclusion that I knew would be happening. Because thats what I do.

I allow things to be placed into my world. I allow myself to enjoy them. I allow myself to end them.

Why is it that my mind is so content with what I have, that it doesnt allow for change, or newness, or differences. Am I in that much fear to think that letting go of normalcy will hurt me? Why cant I get that phrase into my head about this? That one simple phrase...It will be okay.

But will it be okay? Whos to say that it will or it wont? Uncertainty. I dont do well with it. I dont get along with it. But I need to make it my friend every now and then. What else is out there?

...And the head hits the door...hurting, but how sweet it is to feel the knock...

He's doing it again.

I wish I wasnt so indecisive about this. My mind can make a million choices and decisions each day. Why am I so up in the air on this one?


I want to put a pillow in front of my face and scream as loud as my lungs allow, and hope the entire world hears me.

Sing this song...reminds me that we'll always have eachother...

Its been three weeks since my last visit. I try to distance myself from sadness. It doesnt work. It only makes me miss her, and in turn, makes me sad.

I remember throughout the first couple weeks. When it would rain, I'd take an umbrella with me to see her, sometimes two. I would stick that umbrella into the ground so the rain wouldnt reach her. It may seem silly or crazy now to think about it...

"What is this crazy mess of a woman doing sticking an umbrella into the ground? Has she lost her mind? Its pouring buckets of rain out here. She could be using that umbrella to keep herself dry, but instead, shes soaked."

I will be the first to admit that yes- I am pretty sure that I did lose my mind. I cant for sure say that I've ever completely found it, but it is what it is, right? It comforted me then. I dont know or understand what it was. Almost like I was overcome with guilt, and loss. I felt the need to protect her, even after she was gone. I still do. People so seldom see me vulnerable. I dont allow it to show. I guess thats where I get this whole- cold and heartless tag thrown upon me. It doesnt matter though. She knows I'm here, and always will be. I like to think that I was comforting her. Kind of like when someone you know is sick, and you visit with them, at their bedside, just sitting there, and allowing them to know you are there for them. To help them with what they need, and to protect them, and just share the silence of the moment with them. Thats what its like with her. Only, with her, it goes both ways. I go there with a purpose, and I leave there with sorrow, and comfort, that I just shared a few moments of my life with her, when the world thought that it was impossible to have such a thing.

I'm rambling here, but the point is, I miss her. Everyday, I miss her. Pure anguish.

...And there goes my heart.

My beautiful babes. What more is there to live for? There is no greater award in life than being able to wake up to their faces. They are innocent, not affected by the worlds crazy antics just yet, not molded into any one specific thing. They are still impressionable. Still able to be taught, and shown the right way. They have not been dipped into the mess of nonsense that exists outside of the walls of a cozy home.

I couldnt imagine my life without them. I am pretty sure that I was born to this world to share my life with them. Its amazing what they turn me into.

Throughout my entire day, I find myself in the midst of madness. Getting angry at small things, overwhelmed by unneccessary tasks, beside myself with the craziness of the day. But you give me five minutes with them, and its a whole different world. I go from anger to laughter, overwhelmed to impressed, smile for no reason, in awe over each moment.

They fill my life with such greatness. I am so thankful to have them in my life.

What are you thankful for?

Figuring it out.

What is it about him? No matter what my day brings about, I still find myself pausing, and thinking of nothing but him.

I find myself wanting to call him and tell him about things as soon as they happen. I find myself dialing his number thirty times a day. I find myself stopping myself from being this crazy person.

I find myself saying how much I hate him and miss him. What the ...?

Oh...the way it was so worth it...

Fourteen years ago. Do you remember where you were fourteen years ago? Because I do. Fourteen years ago today, changed my life. It was probably the best day of my whole life. It was the beginning of everything.

Its sad to know now how that day fourteen years ago would make life into this. No regrets though.

Best advice I could give: Take the chance before the chance takes you.

Even that...I dont know if I was the one who took it, or the one who was taken.

My pride will keep me company when you're gone..

I have to submerge myself into everything but you. Please leave my mind...leave my heart...leave my memory.

Thank you.

You're my piece of mind...in the crazy world...

Ninety nine out of a hundred people may dissapoint you. Do not lower you expectations to avoid this. When you find that one person, it makes the rest of it completely worth it.

Your lullabies won't let me sleep...

I find myself smiling for no reason. I find myself daydreaming mid-day. I find myself in complete awe over the smallest things. I find myself unafraid to be okay with how things are. I find myself stuck in thoughts that anyone else would simply overlook. I find myself okay, each day, I'm okay.

Its always a scary thing when you are unsure of how things are going to work out. I guess I am good at doubting life and faith in certain things. I am so quickly to pass judgement on moments that I cannot grasp.

It goes back to the whole- If there isnt anything that can be done about a bad situation, right there, at that time, then theres no sense in worrying over it, no sense in allowing it to get to you, no sense in letting it create sadness for you.

Its amazing what one thing, or even one person could do for another's life. Another's day. Of all that crazy screwed up mess that gets thrown at me...of all the hard and horrible things that happen, its nice to have that something or someone there every now and then that makes you feel better.

They'll try to shake us...they'll try to break us...

I've been a little weird lately. Not myself I'd say. Its kinda strange to see myself leave the everyday normalcy and be open to any and everything. Its definately a big change. Kinda nice, not knowing what the day will bring me.

I gotta not allow myself to get too ahead though. Ive always been on the fence about certain things. I find myself doing things and saying things, that I would have denied ever being capable of doing or saying.

Its almost like each day brings a new me. I dont know how to explain it, but thats sort of what it feels like. I always get so lost within the quiet, lets behave myself cave, that its surprising when I allow myself to just go for it.




Why does this sound more strange than I thought it would???



 
 

What did you think that I was gonna do...?

So, I have decided that the best thing to do is just move on. It drives me crazy day in and day out. But what else is there to do? If I allow it to take hold of me than I leave myself to nothing but craziness. I already have enough of that in my life. The hardest part is having to go my day without it.

Just writing that is making me question whether its the right choice or not. Is it?

I'd swing if you'd hand me...hand me the bat...

I would go to the moon and back for you. I would use every bit of my strength to hold you up when you are falling. I would give up everything i had if it meant you would be safe. I would do anything for you.

 Anything.

I miss you. I wish you were here with me right now. I wish that you were beside me, and that you were okay. I am filled with sadness when you aren't near. Its not normal. Its not okay. I'm not okay. I need my constant back.

Just please be okay. I am a mess without you. I am lost without you.

Whenever you come back...I will be waiting...

Tonight, I needed someone to give me a hug, to tell me that everything will be okay. But I could not for the life of me think of someone for the job. Not one person I was capable of breaking down with. Not one person who I was comfortable opening my emotions to. Not one person I could lean on. Not one person who I could call an actual friend.

Has this cold hearted self of mine really turn into this? Have I shut down so blindly, that I am unable to have the one simple thing that everyone in the entire world should have?

So I am left, amongst only myself, with sadness. Heartbroken that I am unable to care.

Me...missing you.

I often wonder where you are
when its been long and in between
I often look back at our time
and wonder- was it nothing but a dream...

I think about my yesterdays
and what I've made of them
I wonder what yours was like
and I miss you all over again.

I try to freeze the moment
when the lights shut down
I often find myself wishing
that you were still around.

It feels like you are haunting me...

I think i may be brainwashed. When I find out who did this to me...OMGGG

What an OMG kinda day going on. Actually...week, I should say. Heres to hoping that tomorrow will be brighter, better, and just flat out amazing. Gotta hope right??

Maybe its a dream...and if I scream...

I'll wake up from this. Its like I'm wrapped in this crazy world. Nothing looks familiar. Nothing seems the same. Nothing seems like mine. But when the moment comes, it feels nothing but right, and I just can't help myself from enjoying it.
Its all still on rocky ground, kind of like a gravel road... :)


Complete uncertainty, but completely loving it.

If theres no one beside you...when your so embarked...then I'll follow you into the dark..

You saw the sun, I saw the shine...
You felt the cold, I felt the chill...
You heard the noise, I heard the voice...
You taste the air, I taste the thrill...

Two people who shouldnt be together. Two people never meant to meet eachother. Two people too good for one another. Two people ready for whatever?

Come see the view on top of the fence...

Addiction. Its a pretty fucked up thing. No matter what it is a person is addicted to...its bad. Whatever your fixation may be, it will-in no way ever be a good thing.

I see this take control over people so often, it saddens me. Its horrible the things it will do to someone. It controls their every being and shatters every possibility of anything. To watch a strong person be taken down by such a small power, is a shame.


A few years ago, my best friend was addicted to heroin. He would tell me he got hurt at work and was taking pain pills. He never told me it was something that bad. Basically, he lied about it for as long as he could. The entire time, I thought nothing of it. I never had the thought of him being on something so bad come across my mind. He would spend every penny he had on it. When he ran out of money, he would borrow from others. When he ran out of lenders, he would sell things. When he ran out of things to sell, he would somehow find a way to get his "fix". He always kept a job, because, if you are a smart addict, you always have a steady source of income for your stuff. Obviously, thinking back now, all the signs were there. I was just blind to the fact and idea of something this bad going on. It turned him into a completely different person. His family and friends become his second priority, his health maybe became him last. Who knows, all I know is this "stuff" was his number one.

He came to me one day, with this strange, guilty face on. Kind of like when the little boy comes to his mom to tell on himself when he breaks something of great value. I was in disbelief. I was speechless. I was mad. I was sad. I was scared. Its an unimaginable feeling when someone you know, someone you love is overtaken by something like this, and you had no idea about it. Or maybe you did have some sort of thoughts about it, but always swatted them from your mind.

Anyways, I took him to a clinic. This clinic was a place to go for drug addicts, where they could be set up in a facility for rehabilitation. I sat there with him, two days straight, while he waited to be placed. This was 24 hours total of my time. Which I didn't know would mean so much later on..

The woman behind the desk, who does the placement...she says to me..."It's going to be a few more hours before the car will take him to the facility, you better take him to get whatever he needs to hold him over until he gets there".  I look at her strangely. Unaware or just not understanding what she just said to me. I ask...what does that mean? She answers-"You need to take him to get his fix, his heroin, before he starts withdrawing from it. He won't be at the facility to get his medicine for a while". So I'm sitting there, dumbfounded. Did this woman, who works in the medical clinic just tell me to take my best friend to buy drugs? Seriously???

I stand, start to walk away, turn around abruptly. Are you fucking kidding me??? I say to her. I bring him here, so these people can help him, and this is what they are asking me to do? Apparently it was normal for most that came there, to leave for their one last high. So, here I am, pissed off and disgusted, ready to walk out and say fuck everyone. But what do I do? I threw my keys at my friend and walked away.


Point of the story is, that addictions are a pretty fucked up situation that this "god" everyone thinks so highly of keeps tossing peoples way. I see and hear of people dying each day because of it. It turns an amazing person into a "piece of shit" in their minds. What happened to willpower? What happen to strength? It turned into desires...which turned into fixation...which turned into dependency...which turned into addiction.

Reason I brought this up...was because this same friend...I think may be up to their old habits again. What to do? I don't know. Do I go back down that road again and try to help, or do I walk away and accept no excuses?

Those 24 hours of my time? My daughter lived for 93 days. This 24 hours of my time was taken for this mess, when it could have been used to be with her.

Wish all days were like this...

I couldve been...couldve been there with you...

I dont like missing someone. I am not the person that relies on others, or counts on anyone to fulfill my day. But lately, I'm missing one specific person. Its hard when someone is out of reach, or completely gone. Its hard to not miss them. But this one person, for some unknown reason, will not leave my mind. I find myself in the middle of my day, pausing and thinking about them. Its kinda strange to allow myself to be put in the middle of something like this.

It goes back to the whole...never wanting to find out until its not an option anymore...or until that moment in your day...is out of reach.

i'll get back to you

I had a good day today. Much relief, when you take into consideration the last few days I've been given. It is what I make it though, right?

I got to speak with one my favorite people today. Theres a certain something that gives you those few minute breaks from the whole world...and when speaking to this person, thats what I get. So that was nice.

I've always known myself to be the least social person around. This, because of the fact that I don't like people. I don't like to be around too many people. I don't like to be bother by people. But, there comes a point when to live in this world, and to live in a day in the life of...Miranda...that you must be social. So..with that said, I choose my people wisely. It just sucks sometimes when I get blinded by my pretty long eye lashes, and end up not seeing so clearly. :)

Exciting things today. Big things happening. If you're not part of it, you're missing out on Miranda.

I had the best, most refreshing day today. I forget so easily to stop and give my attention to things I normally miss, that I lose out on so much. I got to visit with my favorite guys this morning, and then had a pretty good day at work. All in all, it was great day.

Turns out that my 90 day challenge probably won't take as long as I thought it would. Today is the first day that I was actually almost okay without it. Something that was so much of my days up until yesterday, now seems like it will be alright to not have. Somewhat, I guess. What choice do I have though?

Its hard. But I'll be okay. A pretty smile on the pretty face, makes the world wonder. Might as well try it.

The word amazing doesn't really mean that much to me anymore.

I wake up to you...but I still miss you.

You're everywhere.

No words can take away my pain, my anguish, my torture, from not having you here. I miss you more than ever imaginable. No one knows this of course. But I do. Everyone looks at me, and just assumes that I am okay. Ninety percent of the time, I'm not.

I've been thinking about you a lot lately. Its hard. Its hard to get through days like this. Even if only for a moment...it takes a lot for me to get through it. It comes and goes.  More coming than going I'm sure.

I looked in the mirror...seen my eyes...filled with temptation...thats where it started.

He makes me sad. I already have so many things in my life that make me sad. Why did this crazy screwed up universe put him into my world. Havent I had enough, havent I dealt with the worst, why now?

Its so hard not to put myself in the middle, so hard to keep my feelings at arms legnth. How do I stop this, how do I move on, how do I exceed all expectations and be okay.

It just isnt right.

Then you got that look in your eyes..

The room was filled with floral print couches...baskets of flowers...red carpet...and one small box on legs. Inside this box, she lay there, in peace...dressed in her beautiful easter dress...with her pretty hat atop her head. Her body was cool, she had the cutest little slippers on those tiny toes. She was bigger...just a little bigger. Beautiful dark hair, longer than most her age.

This box, lined with pink shiny cushion. Her eyes were glued shut, it was thick and rough glue. Her head had been cut open along her hair line, and glued back together. The pretty hat covered this though. Her small hands and fingers, all still there. I placed her hands inside of mine. I couldve fit three of her tiny hands into one of mine. My little girl. Gone.

So i didnt complete or suceed at this 30 day challenge of mine. It pretty much went right out the window the moment I saw him. Isnt that horrible?

So I am turning my 30 day...into a 90 day challenge. Gotta give myself some time...things dont get swept up and out that easily. Wish me luck. Its gonna be harder than I thought it would be.

When someone dies, we try to negotiate. We think of all the things we could have done to prevent it.   We think if we had just one more day...but, you can’t negotiate with death.

I wish it were that easy, I'd trade my own life to bring her back.

Thirty day challenge...if only u knew...

People drive me crazy. I have always thought to myself...is it me? But i am starting to think that it isnt me, its everyone else in this crazy fucked up world.

My day today was okay. It was kind of nerve racking. I miss people, I miss places, I miss lots. I miss out on lots too, but whats the point of complaints? At the end of the day, it is what i make it...right?

I am challenging myself with a goal, that is probably far fetched, and nearly impossible, but who better to do the impossible than me? I'm on day four right now, so i'll let ya know how it works out for me..

Wish me luck! I will need it for this..

Wow...thats all.

Easy to lose...hard to find...thats why you hold on super tight to it..

PRIDE

1. a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc.

2. the state or feeling of being proud.

3. a becoming or dignified sense of what is due to oneself or one's position or character; self-respect; self-esteem

You try to fit people into your life...and sometimes they just werent meant to be put there. Its when u stop to wait for signs that you notice the puzzle wasnt put together correctly from the beginning. So you are now left with a bunch of nonsense, laid across the table, just waiting for its place.

What's the point of giving someone a second chance if u didn't want them to begin with? Or maybe u did want them at the beginning but cannot for the life of u, remember why.

Ive been your best kept secret.

I dont like making big important decisions. Sure, when it comes to anything but, I have no question. I'm good at making those kind of decisions without second guessing. When it comes to ones like this, life changing, life altering ones, its hard.

Can someone else make these for me?

Stand up to a giant...say that i'm a fighter...too drunk to remember...

Bearings...I've got to get them back. 

Its so easy to forget about whats important, especially, when whats not so important makes for a better time.

Time for bed.

It was the only place I'd ever known.

The things you see...


I'd rather spend the rest of my life by myself than to share it with someone who doesnt deserve it. I will not stand for second best. I will not lower my expectations to meet someone else's standards. Its just not going to happen.


When you're little, you create happiness. As you grow, you dream of happiness. When you're old, you've forgotten about happiness.


Its a shame that people so seldom hold true to their own self worth. When I see this happening around me, knowing I can only control my own, it saddens me. You go into life with nothing, you struggle to build yourself, you learn lessons, you learn to put that pretty smile on, and you learn to accept change. But, if you miss one of those steps, it leads to your highs and lows becoming someone else's desperate chase. Allowing someone to take advantage of something that will effect you or the way the outcome of your life happens...it can only lead to one path...the foolish one.

Things won't change without you

If it was the intent, to hurt me, you are kidding yourself. For the things I have stuck around for, the things I have watched happen, the things you allowed to go on, you've got to be joking. No one gets that many chances.

When you're stuck in a position that you, yourself come to the belief of- this is how it is, and how its always going to be- than its due time to break away. Whats the point of anything when your outlook is this? What kind of days do you have to look forward to?

I blame myself of course. What the fuck was I thinking? I was the one to make that choice each and every time to stay. I was the one who walked away a hundred times, only to end up turning around.

I'm done. I have been done for a long time now.

"I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see."

-John Burroughs

Here we go again. Right back where we begun. Time to cut the line. Im officially done. My way, or no way.

I feel shook. I dunno whats going on lately, but somethings going. Out with the old...and NO i dont want no new. I am content with what i have. Dont ruin it.

Miranda + Jean + Grace = the best person in the world.


Enough said.

How can one person...be the one who makes me crazy, makes me smile, makes me sad, makes me think, makes me angry, then makes me crazy again.

Why do I let this one person be this person to me?

I am not the type to allow someone to be in my life like this. I have never had that role open for anyone, so I'm not sure why it is now. I know its definately not normal, but its something that I dont think needs questioning. Or does it?

Just not sure where it leads, and I dont deal well with uncertainty. Maybe thats what I need, a little uncertainty. Who knows.