My poison...my drug...the man that I love

This guy. Just one look from this guy and I melt. Just his name appearing on my phone, I crumble. He has my heart in the palm of his hands, and he knows it. The problem is...I completely hate him.

Since day one, years ago...hiding in that corner.

Here's my dilemma- I need to rid him from my world. How is that possible when so much love exists between the two of us? Its said, that love isn't so pretty behind closed curtains. In my case, its the complete opposite. Its not so pretty being displayed to the world, but behind closed curtains...its absolutely amazing. Who wants to hide behind those curtains though? Not me.

I never in my life imagined that I would be stuck in a place I am currently stuck in. Growing up, I imagined that I would have this perfect life. Now that I am all grown up, I realize that- that was a bunch of BS. This world places all these visions and dreams into your head when you're young. They call it motivation or hope. Motivation to go after these dreams and hope that these dreams will come true. What I have learned- you have to work your ass off to get anywhere near these silly dreams that were once placed into your head.

Back to this guy now though. I made a promise to myself a while back that I was going to rid my life of him. That I was going to live my life without him. No matter how hard it would be, no matter how sad I would be, no matter how much I missed him. Taking the easy road back to him is much better than living with hard days. Succumbing to him is much better than being sad all the time. Missing him was easier when he was beside me.

I thought it was hard to live my life without him in it. Now...its just hard to get him out of my life. I have to do this now, beings that its inevitable down the line anyways, but how? Its like being addicted to drugs. Addicts always think that you can get away with just one last hit. Until that one last hit is all it took to kill them.

I need to figure this out before it strangles me whole.

We love each other, but since when is love- alone, enough?

Oh...noooo....promises.

Wow...how true this is. I am dangerous when I am alone. Dangerous meaning- in my mind. My whole life I have never had to experience this. Except when I was younger, of course...when I didnt know any better. 

But now...I have to say that as much talk that I talk about not getting lonely...I do. It it so hard to get over it when the feeling comes along. I remember reading and listening to people bitch and complain about their own lonliness, and think to myself- what the fuck is wrong with people...theres millions and millions of people on this earth...go find someone to make you not so lonely, and quit bitching about it. 

But I've turned into one of those people. maybe not so much publicly...simply because my pride will not allow for that...but what the..?

Another lesson I am in the process of learning. To be my own company. 

Maybeeee....Kindaaaaa....Sortaaaa

I feel like this is the story of my life. Each and everyday...I think to myself...how did I end up here? What brought me to this moment? Never in my mind would I have imagined being here...but for some crazy- who knows reason...I am.

I have lost many things. I have moved on from many people. I have gone in too many directions.

Maybe if I just stand still...be content with all of this...I will end up right where I belong?