My poison...my drug...the man that I love

This guy. Just one look from this guy and I melt. Just his name appearing on my phone, I crumble. He has my heart in the palm of his hands, and he knows it. The problem is...I completely hate him.

Since day one, years ago...hiding in that corner.

Here's my dilemma- I need to rid him from my world. How is that possible when so much love exists between the two of us? Its said, that love isn't so pretty behind closed curtains. In my case, its the complete opposite. Its not so pretty being displayed to the world, but behind closed curtains...its absolutely amazing. Who wants to hide behind those curtains though? Not me.

I never in my life imagined that I would be stuck in a place I am currently stuck in. Growing up, I imagined that I would have this perfect life. Now that I am all grown up, I realize that- that was a bunch of BS. This world places all these visions and dreams into your head when you're young. They call it motivation or hope. Motivation to go after these dreams and hope that these dreams will come true. What I have learned- you have to work your ass off to get anywhere near these silly dreams that were once placed into your head.

Back to this guy now though. I made a promise to myself a while back that I was going to rid my life of him. That I was going to live my life without him. No matter how hard it would be, no matter how sad I would be, no matter how much I missed him. Taking the easy road back to him is much better than living with hard days. Succumbing to him is much better than being sad all the time. Missing him was easier when he was beside me.

I thought it was hard to live my life without him in it. Now...its just hard to get him out of my life. I have to do this now, beings that its inevitable down the line anyways, but how? Its like being addicted to drugs. Addicts always think that you can get away with just one last hit. Until that one last hit is all it took to kill them.

I need to figure this out before it strangles me whole.

We love each other, but since when is love- alone, enough?

Snoring and a roaring

 

This was my life. For nine whole months, this was my life. Who was I kidding?

 

I should have taken my own warning from the get go. I should have stuck with the first 30 day challenge. I should have turned around and walked away when I had the chance. I should have deleted that number, erased those pictures, pretended you didn't exist in my world. I should have saved my time for something greater.

 

Thing is though-

 

I didnt want to listen to those warnings. I hated that 30 day challenge. I loved being in your arms, how could I walk away from that? I couldnt delete that number, I memorized it instead. Those pictures- I love every single on of them. You were my world. Those moments I shared with you, were some of the greatest moments of my life.

 

I now find myself in such debate over what to do. Am I supposed to stick around and play this waiting game? Do I move on to something that will make me happy, something that has been staring me in my face this whole time? How do I give up the greatest love of my entire life without a fight? One year ago today, you fought for me- and won. I can feel it slipping away. Slowly, but surely it moves further away than it was yesterday. The question is though- am I up for this fight?

Almost

I miss you. Day in and day out. It's a constant battle that I am having with myself. I am going to get over you. It may take a lifetime, but I will do it. 

How do you get over someone who holds so much power over you? How do you move on from that? How do you give up something that you couldn't imagine living a day without? 

I know how.

You live your life. You force yourself to wake up in the morning. You tell yourself that you can get through today. You tell yourself that everything's going to be fine, that tomorrow will be better. You tell yourself these things because no one else is here to say them for you. For it is with those thoughts- that make it bearable for me to live without you. 

If its broke, just use duct tape?

I get it. I completely get it. I understand immensely. I get the reasons why men and women wouldn't want to date someone that already has children when they don't. I am in complete agreement that it is a personal choice or preference that all should be entitled to. If a woman doesn't want to date someone because the guy has kids with someone else, or vice versa, then to each his own. I understand the baggage and drama, or the misconceptions of the unknown.

What I don't agree with is getting yourself into a situation of dating someone who has kids, for it to only lead no where, because of the very fact stated. If you know from the get go that you don't want to date or see someone with kids, you don't want to start a family with someone who already has a family, then don't. Find someone else. Do not waste that persons time. Do not take that person for granted. Do not back burner someone for the simple fact that at the moment it works.

Do not wait until you are madly in love with one another to decide this. Do not create something so amazing only to force a complete explosion later.

And in the morning...when I rise...

Where do I start? If I could give someone just one piece of advice when it comes to love, it would be- do not get yourself involved into a relationship with an egotistical ass. (obvious...I know)

I find myself feeling stuck right now. I feel as though I cannot walk away, but at the same time- I'm sooooo unhappy. I absolutely love him. I am in love with him. He is someone that I cannot imagine living one day without. But at the very same time- he is a jackass. He doesn't seem to care about the very same things that are so important to me. He seems to take me for granted. He seems like a waste of my time. 

I spent half of my life with a guy who turned out to be someone who disgusts me now. Someone that put me through so much bullshit and nonsense. Before I knew it, 15 years of my life was wasted. 

I don't want to waste any more of my life. I want to be happy. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to feel appreciated and FEEL loved. Its one thing to tell me that you love me. Its a whole other to actually make me feel as though you do. 

I just want someone who is there to tell me that everything is going to be alright. 

Pick me up

Since when did this become a myth? When did it become okay not to have normal standards in today's relationships? At which point to we give up all expectations and settle for nothing?

I am so in love with you, but for your sake- you better not let me forget. 

Some familar road

Well if I have ever doubted that karma exists...I was fucking wrong. My god, I was wrong.

Some may call it GOD doing these things, as its an easy blame or explanation for them, but I don't buy that. Its the consequence of doing wrong to make yourself "happy"...which in turn, bites you in the you know what.

Every decision I have made in the past two months, has been the wrong decision. I didn't know it at the time of course, but it was.  I am now finding myself in an all too familiar spot. A place of pure unhappiness. I have gotten EVERYTHING that I wanted. All the things I wished and hoped for, I have now. Problem is- it's not all it was cracked up to be. Yes, its what I wanted, but its not what I expected.

I find myself miserable, and wanting to find an easy out. Seems I have been doing this "outting" a lot lately. Maybe its the "new me". Who knows.

Maybe all these things I had wished for-for so long, i have gotten so I can experience them, so it won't be added to my list of- woulda, coulda, shoulda. I am so naive to think I have a choice to get back what I had before. How do I get myself into these situations?????

Could've been more..

It amazes me how many different ways my mind can go. Guess that comes with being crazy huh?

Am I being stubborn...or stupid?

...And that's the reason why I don't fall in love.

My "goodnights"

Its two in the morning, and I cannot sleep. No matter what I try, it doesn't help. I can only guess that I do this to myself. I allow my mind to be filled with such madness, and expect myself to hold the ability of putting it to rest so easily. For some unknown reason, I just got extremely angry. Out of no where. It's what I do. Call it what you want, but sometimes it's normal for me. Maybe I am too strong willed, or too stubborn, or too crazy for my own good. Either which way, I don't care.

Take it or leave it, right?


Side note...everyone has that one person that can level themselves off when the need to is there. Someone to make you laugh when there's not much to laugh about. Someone to make you smile when you're sad. Someone to yell at you when you need a reality check. Someone who will listen to your BS when no one else wants to hear it. Someone that makes you feel safe, even when they are miles away from you. Someone that has taken the role of no expectations needed and given you a world of great expectations. I'm very thankful that I have one of these people in my life. As much as I complain and get angry at them, at the end of the day, I know they've got my back. No matter what I filled their day with, they're always there. I hope everyone in this messed up world finds someone like that to be their friend too.

Two way street

This "two way street" is about to be turned into a one way. It's been a long time now. This street should be nothing new to you. What is it that you do not get? Quit it with your nonsense or live your day without me.

I'm so done with people right now.

Eyes wide open...words unspoken..

Just had the most amazing night. Yes...amazing.

My whole day was actually...kinda good. Had a few unneccessary roadblocks, but whatever. I obviously found a way around them...did I not?

Photography: Up until about six years ago...it meant nothing to me. Yeah sure, I would take pictures here and there. Like everyone else does...

Until one horrible day came, and took someone who meant everything to me away. I was left with a total of 21 pictures of her. 21. When you have so little time with someone, every moment means the world. Having only 21 of those moments recorded was a huge regret for me. From that point on, everything was captured. Turned out I was pretty good at it. Nowadays, I see the world in "squares". Sounds crazy, I know. But what about me isnt? By squares, I mean- I see everything. Every detail, of every inch of everything in eyesight. I see it...think...does this need to be captured...and if it does...I take it. Its my world I'm living in...why not take anything I want to out of it?

Side note....what the hell was I thinking?

BUT...its now almost three in the morning...and I've got to be at work in 5 hours. So...BT. :)

If you get hurt it, I'll take your pain.

Tonight, someone told me that I was insecure, and that I dont tell anyone about me. This was followed by some pretty screwed up stuff, and some not so nice words.

It amazes me, how without knowing that I'm doing it, I take it. I am naive to think that this is normal. I consistently allow this to happen around me. I am always there for everyone. Even if being there means...to sit and listen to nonsense. I'm there.

But sometimes, it would be nice to have someone there for ME.

How many first kisses can there be?

Love will make you do many silly things. But what's life without a little love and a little silliness?

My only goodbye.

You make me sad.

I wish I had the nerve or the confidence to say to you some of the things you should probably hear. I wish I wasnt so blind to the dark hole that you lead me to. I wish I wasnt so dependent on you being in my day. I wish you would leave my head and my thoughts and my mind. I wish I didnt love you.

Goodbye.

In a world where what we want, is what we want until we hit the top.

The thought of what I'd do for you
Seems crazy even to me
The paths I'd lead myself down
Yet, you dont even see.

My mind is overwhelmed
by nothing else but you
My awareness fell to pieces
Yet, you seem to have no clue.

I've let you overcome me. But not anymore. I'm done.