While there is perhaps a province in which the photograph can tell us nothing more than what we see with our own eyes, there is another in which it proves to us how little our eyes permit us to see

~ Dorothea Lange

Me and Nicky went ice skating...I fell three times, then whined liked a baby....so he says to me...Mom..just go sit down, you're acting like a little girl. OMG. Boys are MEAN!!!

Me and Nicholas

...and the whole world crumbles

My day today was pretty good. Nothing really to complain about. Can you believe it?? I cant. Just spent the last two hours wrapping presents, and haven't even made a dent in what I need to get done. One more day left. They should have ppl u can hire to come to ur house and do that for u. How great would that be?


Its strange how your whole day can be one thing...one outlook, one mood...and with one thought, it changes completely. Just one thought. The power that-that in itself, possesses is unbelievable. Its doesn't just effect your thoughts, it effects everything. It feels like something just touched your shoulders, and is holding u in place. Almost like a weight. The weight you've been ignoring. It never really goes away I guess. It only gets easier to carry. Easier to hide. Easier to put on a pretty face and pretend it doesn't exist. That is...until you have this one thought, and everything crumbles.

Kayla's Tree

Hello Mr. Mailman...

 I never open my mail. Never. I have this box I throw it all into, and when it gets full then I go through it. Its one of those monotonous things throughout your week that I just don't have the time for. Especially during the holidays. Its always either junk mail, xmas cards, or bills. A whole lot of BLAH. For some reason I looked in my box and notice this letter. Apparently my results came from the bone scans, and I already missed the appt. Whatever. Who sends appts in the mail anyways. What happened to phone calls. They sent me a summary of each scan and told me everything I already knew. What was the point of spending countless hours doing these tests for them to only tell me what I already know. This is why I hate doctors. They over charge you. They lie to you. They play pretend in front of you. They walk in circles of one another and call it being thorough. See what happens when I listen to the countless ppl that tell me that I need to do this? I get nadda. This is my last time. I'm not going back. Its just gonna have to be what it is, and left that way. I am so done with it. Whatever happens, happens.

Anyways, Ive had a long, what the fuck night...I am going to bed.

Late night holiday parties + relatives = being chased on I-95 by 6 police cars.

What fun.

Scary-ish. I stepped foot on this ship and was literally ready to die.

 Boats are not my thing. At least I can say I did try.

When I was younger, and wouldn't get onto boats, my parents solution was to send me to swimming classes. When I finish them and they tried to get me to go on one again, and I wouldn't, they took me to the beach and tried to put me on a jet ski, like that was any better?!? What sense does that make? When I think back on some of the things my parents did, and some of the decisions they made, I can do nothing but think...what the fuck were they thinking?? Maybe that's where my craziness comes from. Anyways, they failed at every attempt. Never again. Never.



Morning Morning Morning and so on

My night...last night...wasnt all that rememberable. It was ok, for as much as I was able to recollect.

I went into my day with nothing. No feelings, no ambition, nothing. Its worked out pretty good so far. It leaves no point of regret to meet, no point of loss. I'm only using this for today though, so get it while u can.
If I went into each of my days with this, or like this...what would be the point. It would be a waste. If it wasnt the holidays, I wouldnt even be given myself this day. So for now, its like that.

Maybe I'll get through the rest of this day without anything to bring those not so great thoughts and whatnot....so BE NICE. I PROMISE to return the favor. :)

Misdirected Beliefs

The design that is put together in our heads, at such an early age decides how the structure of your mind works for the rest of your life. Who is to say those "architects" know what they are doing? Who qualifies anyone to create this? God? No. I don't believe that.

It is so seldom that we are able to believe things within our own means. What kind of persona does that give to the world? It gives this over analyzed rate of crime, under appreciated education, and no means of an end. It is pure torture in the brain to watch and allow for this. If its like this now, just imagine what it will be like a hundred years from now. Its a shame in itself.

SM Again

One of these days its gonna be me putting u in dark rooms and making u do bad things. Only this time, there will be no exits. No ways out. You better brush up on those skills.


I was in a dark room the other night doing my pictures, and I kept hearing these noises. I didnt know where they were coming from. I freaked out...couldnt even breathe right. Tried to leave and curtains were all up in my way. Didnt help any. Here it was the vent fan for the lasers going off. I completely embarrassed myself. Luckily, there was only a few ppl outside. Reminded me of u though.

Just an FYI

If you didnt like it, u wouldnt be in it. You talk a good game on everything being otherwise, but i know better. Because of course, I'm crazy. Right??

Thats one of those things that we don't talk about. Its a big whatever though. At the end of the day, it is what it is.

I had a pretty good day, with the exception of being called  a bad name. I'm getting ready to go out and about...again...with some of my fav ppl. Last time I'll get to see them before holidays. Luckily I have nothing to report and index for u know what, so that gives me no work from that till next month. Even I can't believe that. Seems a little too good to be true. We will see I guess.

I found out about the card. Joey found it and brought it in...talk about saving my ass. My tough guy brother is sooo awesome. I went through all of that trouble for nadda. Just wish I knew about it last night. But thats ok, its good now.

My new word for crazy is trouble. Therefore...I'm not crazy, I'm just trouble. Keep that in mind. At least I am good trouble!!

Buck

I got an xmas card from the new brother....inside it says...

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Hope things are well, can't wait to meet you someday!!

Then at the bottom (handwritten) it says....
We make living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.

WTF have I been put into? I feel like I have strings tied to me and they are being pulled on from all different directions.

Real Estate for Dummies

My day today was ok. With the exception of a few ppl pissing me off. (you know who you are)

So...against my better judgement, I sat there, and listened to some idiot going on and on about losing their house. Now...does this sound like something I really want to hear? No. This all goes back to the whole- you get yourself into your own situations thing. I strongly believe that you are what you surround yourself with, you are who you surround yourself with, you are who you present yourself to be.

Anyways...this person...they say theres this guy...who is gonna buy her out of forclosure and pay off any debts on mortgage, and she could still live in the house...all she had to do was sign the house over to this guy and pay a percentage of "rent". OMFG. Really? Are ppl really this dumb?

In reality, this guy is gonna say all the good things he needs to say to this women to get her to sign some papers. He will then file paperwork with the bank...under the original account of the original owners...asking for time. He will continue to do this for as long as he can...a year or two probably. Meanwhile, collecting rent front this "previous" owner, and banking cash for nadda for as long as he can get away with it. Then after a while, sheriffs will start knocking at the door, leaving notices, and eventually this poor(stupid) lady will be out of luck and will be stuck having to move anyways. Its the common schemers dream all wrapped up in one conversation of promises that are hard to tell otherwise....unless u wait two years to find out. All he has to pay is postage for his not so legal lawyer.

Are people in this world really that naive? Apparently so. I have not until recently, met so many like that. Many that think things just fix themselves that easily. Making mistakes is sometimes good, because you learn something from it, but something like this wouldnt be considered a mistake, it would be stupidity. But me...with my COMPOSURE just nodded while letting this women tell me the story...then I walked away. Done with it. I can't be everybodys mom-ma!!!

I am just that good. Enough said. As early as it is...I gotta be out and about right about now. (3 outs in one sentence...told ya it was early)

SO TRUE!



How'd ya like that??

My letter is half way done. Kinda taking me way too long to do. Either way, I'm doing it. I'll let ya see it when I get done with it.

It really does suck the way people are percieved at first glance. Not even glance, thought. I don't know this person, but almost every feeling I have towards him is something bad. Im usually good at judging people. I am always the bias side. I am always the fair one. Normally, most of the time I am right. Its a good thing that the whole world cant hear my thoughts, or I'd be in a whole lotta trouble!


Its early now...thats why my words seem unorganized and unthought of. Coffee time. :)

Regardless...of all that has been said...that is being said...that will be said...I am not afraid.

My mind is set, and my mindset is strong. I challenge you to prove me wrong.

Good Morning!!! Its been a few days...I know. Being on vacation wasnt all that vacation-ish. It was nice though. Got to do a few things I wouldnt normally have been able to do. Which was good. Now...for the hard part. Something funny in the air....its making people act a little more crazier than normal. I better stay away from all that!! We all know I dont need to add anymore crazy to myself.

I saw mommy kissing santa clause.............

So I'm making breakfast for my son and nephew this morning. 7:30 AM mind you. My nephew asks me...Do you think Santa will bring me the puppy I asked for? I say...Santa doesn't deliver puppies. (knowing that my sister wasnt getting him this puppy) My son then says...so when santa brought me my puppy when I was 7...its wasnt really santa that brought it to me??

OMFG. I THINK I JUST RUINED SANTA FOR THEM BOTH. LEAVE IT TO ME RIGHT??


SO I PUT THEIR ASSES ON THE SCHOOL BUS AND WENT BACK TO BED. IN HOPES TO RE-START MY DAY. SO FAR...SO GOOD.

You cant tell i was drinking can ya?

All the pretty flowers are dying...as sad as that is...this picture is still beautiful!

My pretty princess!!!

Middle of winter...and they are still there.

Its getting to business time!

I have three days to complete my outline. Three days?! I havent even put two thoughts down on paper yet. I have four shoots this week, one of which is first thing tomorrow morning, bright and early. I still have tons of xmas shopping to do, and three birthdays this week...thats gonna be a....heres your gift...sorry I can't stay sorta thing...and all of this with trying to escape for a few days to south carolina to meet my new brother for the first time ever. So much for being on vacation!


I drove to washington dc yesterday...and I remember going there when I was younger...lots of times...but I dont remember it being so ghettooooooo!!! I did get to see my strawberry mountain tho! So it was well worth it! 

This is one of those circumstances where saying fuck it, would not work. Its a good thing that I am me...and can handle things well. I'll let ya know how things play out with this week.

Its beginning to look a lot like....

20 days left....till Santa comes...which by the way...how come Santa isnt a girl?  

I've had it, I'm having it, I'm done with it.

Its gonna be one of those nights. One of those get the fuck out and dont ever come back nights.

 I feel a road trip coming on...where we going?

Son of a...

So...I ended up having a pretty good day. I got to spend some of it with two of my favs, which was nice. Made the end of my day not so bad. I lose contact with far too many people that I shouldnt, and I keep contact with some that I probably shouldnt. Its kinda ironic isnt it? You never know though, who you should choose to keep in your life and who you should let go of. Theres no easy way to make that decision. You jump in, and take things as they come at ya. At the end of the day, it is what it is...right? So far...so good...at least for me. (i think)  :)

4 PM TOMORROW CANT COME SOON ENOUGH! :)

Its raining!!!!!! I knew a month ago it was gonna rain today. Cuz im just that good. Maybe the rain will make my day go by with some sort of ease today. Guess we'll see!! ONLY ONE MORE DAY AFTER TODAY...THEN IT IS SOOOOOO ON!