I don't want you to save my life. I want you to WANT to save my life.

I question those I decide to keep in my life each day. I often wonder if I made the right choices. There's really no way to tell whether the decision made was the correct one, until it all plays out. When the chapter ends.

Steinbeck says- "A guy needs somebody - to be near him. A guy goes nuts if he ain't got nobody. Don't make no difference who the guy is, long's he's with you. I tell ya, I tell ya a guy gets too lonely an' he gets sick."

Same thing goes for everyone in this world, or so we're told.

Love missed hate

This is one of those moments in life that I realize now...changed me forever. I still have not been able to determine whether it was a good change, or bad. All change is supposed to be good for you though, right? 

What I do know- I have fallen so completely, madly, and unintentionally in love with you. 

There have been a million moments I have experienced since I've met you that I wished you away. I wished you out of my mind. I wished not to miss you. I wished that you wouldn't leave. I wished that you would share the same feelings. I wished that you'd forget my name. I wished to forgive you. I wished to know your thoughts. I wished you dead. I wished I didn't hate you. I wished I wasn't so wrapped around thoughts of you. I wished I didn't give great things up for you. I wished for you.

I found myself at a point in which I had to give you up. You left me no choice. I knew that you loved me. I knew that you couldn't imagine life without me. I knew I had to move on. It was probably the hardest thing, the hardest choice that I have made in a very long time. I missed you like crazy. I missed your voice. I missed your laugh. I missed your face. I missed you singing to me. I missed you telling me bedtime stories. I missed you yelling at me. I missed chasing you. I missed your eyes staring into mine. I missed hearing your heartbeat. I missed the best part of my days. I missed everything. I missed the love of my life. 

You waited forty days to tell me that you are in love with me. Forty. I still cannot believe you allowed me to be so stubborn for forty days. I asked myself a question a while back about whether you would miss me if I was gone. I was a hundred percent positive that I would never get that answered. One hundred. But I did. I hate the fact that it took me leaving for you to realize this. I hate that I had to cut you off for you to learn how to share those feelings. I hate that you waited until the most inopportune time to jump into the game. I hate that I am still so much in love with you today, as ever, that I was unable to be mad at you. I hate that each day, I want nothing but to be with you. I hate that this crazy life I am living had to go forty days without you. I hate that I have no idea where this love of ours will take us. I hate that you were so stubborn before. I hate you. 

But at the very same time, I am so in love with you. 

Let's go to bed.

In our minds, we create this box. Within this box stands all of those thoughts that you wouldn't dare share with anyone. In this box are memories, fears, experiences, regrets, shame, dissapointments. These- not so few items are your secrets, and yours alone. You learn to make room for this box. You learn to live with its contents, eventually. This box does not contain your finest moments, but they are yours nonetheless. Every so often...this box somehow breaks open and releases emotion and anguish, clarity and resentment. You learn to live with this huge burden that has made itself a home inside.

I guess what I am trying to find here, writing this, is some sort of way to feel okay with storing this box. Mine has to be so full, I can't imagine how it stays closed all the time.

Taking me back

I've got you babe..

So, I can honestly say that I am still right where I started. I am right back into the spot I stood long ago. I am still faced with nonsense that I swore I'd be long gone from. I am still surrounded by those I said I'd leave behind. I am still running in circles day in and day out, wondering what the fuck I am doing with my life. What am I doing?

If you would have asked me five years ago where I'd be today, no way I would have guessed this. I've always heard life works out like this, but didn't really think that to be true.What was I thinking? It's like when your mother tells you not to touch the stove because its hot...then you place your hand nearby to feel the heat. Sometimes you just can't help yourself huh?

Well today, I find myself just as lost, holding just as much sadness as before, but completely in love.

The biggest problem? I constantly ask myself- am I doing the right thing? I was always so confident in my choices,and so brave with the turnouts. Where did I go wrong? I was for sure this was what I wanted. How did I get here? I thought I chose my own path. Is the choice I just made going to be the greatest mistake and regret of my life? It absolutely is.