Don"t wanna burn by myself

Over the last few days, I've been going absolutely crazy with thoughts circling inside of this mess of a mind of mine.

I woke up a day and so ago with just pure anguish being poured overtop of me. I'm pretty sure that it was brought on by some random triggers going on lately, but still...I thought I was getting away from all of this.

I miss her. I am still filled with anger. I am still at war with myself because of this. I have so much guilt built up inside of me that sometimes it reminds me of a house fire. Swallowing up the home, the memories, the foundation. When that fire is out, the remains are a few random pieces of burnt furniture and some broken glass. Water has damaged anything that would have or could have hoped to be salvaged in the midst of the saving.

I am that mess, those remains.

No one else knows this though. I will not let that happen.

Through the eyes- my eyes, are your eyes.

Every once in a while...it peeks through the curtains. It shadows itself right smack in front of me. Although its never REALLY gone...its easier to pretend that it is. 

I miss her so much. Easter is coming up in just one week. I'm seeing those baskets and candy in the aisles at the markets. I am watching mothers and children awe at the sign of the chocolate shaped bunnies. All I see is anguish when I look that way. I see reminders of that horrible day. I see reminders that I will never see her again. I see my life's greatest loss flash in front of me like spot lights glimmering on my face...blinding me. 

I used to take her into the bathroom with me when I would take showers. I was afraid to leave her side. I wanted her to be near me, I needed her to be near me. I would place her in her car seat, and put her in the doorway, so I could see her through the curtain.

 I cannot remember her cry. I cannot remember what it sounded like. I search my mind day in and day out for memories that are slowly slipping away. Its said- that it gets easier as time passes. That- you eventually dont feel the pain so much. I guess this was originally said when people began to forget the horrible things that had happened. Those who have succumb to the idea that its okay now. I cannot accept that. Not for the life of me, can I accept it. 

Sitting here, at the table. Fighting to get in bed. Unable to move.

It just came to me. As though you came in, kissed my cheek, and left. I got this feeling. Pure anguish. Pure sadness. Still. I'm not used to being so alone. I am not used to being by myself. Its a dangerous place for me. It leaves me vulnerable to my feelings. I can't handle feelings of any kind very well, and this is so heartbreaking for me. I cant deal with it, not alone.

The universe is pulling me in so many different directions, that I have found myself lost.

I stare at your photo. I remember the specific day. I still keep that hat of yours in my top drawer. It helps me to remember moments when I see it. I have been struggling with that lately, and I am surrounded by nothing that helps me.

Wonder if I'll sleep tonight...

This is what I've always had in my life. This "together" safety net. I no longer have this, and let me tell you- its not at all what I expected it to be.

I have two days to get myself "together". To somehow take this mess of a person that I am, and turn it into something unbreakable. If I fail, my nonsense will arise all over again. If I succeed, I'm sure that same nonsense will still be brought about. Whats the point huh?

The point is- being able to say "I did it on my own".

15 days from now.

Nothing can change what you mean to me. Not a day, a month, a year. Not a person, a feeling, a thing.

15 days from today. 23 days from today....

My plans for those days: To completely dissapear into thin air. To dissapear from the entire world.

Just a little late..

See you when I sleep at night
feel your surroundings here
breathe your warmth all around me
wake up with the same fear.

Grasp the dreams
muster thoughts of loss
try to come to closure
discovered whats been looked across.

Question all motives
break the normalcy in place
give up in the morning
fall back into face.

Was she even there?

When the night falls in around me...

29 days from now.

I imagine where you are each day.

 I once listened to a man speak of "re-incarnation". I kinda believe in it, then at the same time, I kinda don't believe in it. I'd like to think that the ones I have lost in my life are out there somewhere. That their death brought something good back into the world. Who knows.

When this man told me about it...less than five minutes later, something very strange happened. So it made me think twice. In the end...I just left it as...I'm crazy.

I just miss her. It gets harder at this time of the year. It always seems to get worse each time around, especially being by myself. I guess I can't really say that I am alone, because I do have my family and whatnot...but its just hard.

I walked into a store earlier this morning...it was bright and pretty, nicely decorated for holidays and such. Most people would awe over the sight. I turned around and walked out.  

Things like this happen to me, day in and day out. I can be doing normal, everyday things, and turn some stupid small thing into nonsense. Most times, I am not aware of what these kinds of things are until after they happen. Almost like, I am only able to notice afterwards. Its very strange.

I'd give examples...but I am already perceived as nuts.

Do I have to fall asleep...with roses in my hands...

I feel you everywhere. You are beside me, leaning against me, when I think no ones around. You are staring me in my eyes when cruel intentions come to mind. Your hand is in mine, when I feel I'm not strong enough to walk away. You kiss my cheek when my face burns with anger. Your head is on my shoulders, when I find myself unable to breathe. You are everywhere. Thank you for being there.