Please don't bury me....down in...

He's gone. The first man I looked up at when I was born. The first man I depended on. The first man I looked up to. The first man I loved. My dad is gone.

My greatest hero. Gone.

The feeling I have inside of me is unimaginable. The sadness is hidden, but its there. It feels that I have yet to grieve for him. Its been 15 days since he died. I still envision him being there at the kitchen table when I walk into his house. I keep thinking of things I want to tell him about. I keep remembering times we had. I search around me for clues from him. Pieces of him. Anything. But I get nothing.

Its hard to believe that he is gone. Its hard to believe that I will never see him again.

No more late night music sessions. No more 15 mph drives. No more Colorado stories. No more Johnny Rotten.

Dont talk too fast to me...slow down...I wanna know.

The bravest man I know. The man who put all of his pride and dignity to the side, and kept me for his own. Accepted me into his life as his daughter. I often wonder his thoughts when he looked at me as a baby. Did he regret it, did he regret making this choice? Did he see another man's eyes in mine? Did he feel anger and anguish when he looked at me? Growing up...when I spoke to him...did he disregard me to an extent because I wasn't his...was I not as important as everyone else? 

I remember when I was hospitalized for surgeries...I must have been ten or eleven years old. He brought me this bag full of candy, all of his favorite candies. He told me it was to make me feel better, he told me that everything was going to be okay.

When my daughter died...he was the first one at the front door to find me. He was the one who grieved with me. He was the first one to tell me that everything was going to be okay. He still keeps her photo beside his bed. He sleeps beside her each night...just like me. 

i wonder if I ever made him proud of me. My dad isn't the most outspoken guy in the world. He doesn't talk much. I remember times when he looked at me...as though he wanted to break down and tell me his biggest secret. His biggest heartbreak. But he never spoke. His eyes, beamed into mine, with so much sadness and fear...as if he knew he should tell me these secrets, but didn't want to give me any of the pain that existed inside of him. He didn't want me to have to live with those secrets. 

I have so many unspoken things to say to this man. So many questions for him. Things and questions that will go left unheard. 

When the night falls in around me...

29 days from now.

I imagine where you are each day.

 I once listened to a man speak of "re-incarnation". I kinda believe in it, then at the same time, I kinda don't believe in it. I'd like to think that the ones I have lost in my life are out there somewhere. That their death brought something good back into the world. Who knows.

When this man told me about it...less than five minutes later, something very strange happened. So it made me think twice. In the end...I just left it as...I'm crazy.

I just miss her. It gets harder at this time of the year. It always seems to get worse each time around, especially being by myself. I guess I can't really say that I am alone, because I do have my family and whatnot...but its just hard.

I walked into a store earlier this morning...it was bright and pretty, nicely decorated for holidays and such. Most people would awe over the sight. I turned around and walked out.  

Things like this happen to me, day in and day out. I can be doing normal, everyday things, and turn some stupid small thing into nonsense. Most times, I am not aware of what these kinds of things are until after they happen. Almost like, I am only able to notice afterwards. Its very strange.

I'd give examples...but I am already perceived as nuts.