Semaj Rawna

Ice in the parking lot...caught that car
Through the elevator doors...where we are.

Greatest escapes...in brisk cold air
Company kept...as we always did there.

Comfort well chosen...for the needs to be
Wrapped into arms...safe enough for me.

What are you typing?

Well, I've done it. I made it (almost) through this night. Although it is morning now...it still kind of feels like night to me. Probably due to my lack of sleep...but I'm here.

Last night was a horrible night. Glad to say that it's over and (almost) done with.

A few nights ago...I had a strange and quite scary dream. I was havnig a party of some sorts in the back yard...with most of my family, when out of no where my house lights up and is on fire. At the beginning of this fire, it was only the upstairs of my home that was amid flames. During this time...my mother and boyfriend began taking things from out of the kitchen and bottom floor of the house to "save" things as quick as they could before the fire reached the downstairs. They sat there in conversations...saving things. It didn't seem like they were the least bit hasty in saving things. In the midst of this horrible incident...I realize there are people upstairs- where the fire is. So of course, I run up there to save them. In doing this- I get stuck. On steps, maybe? Then a hand appears. The hand of my boyfriend. When I touch this hand...it isn't his. I can immediately tell, it isn't his. But it appears to be him. I denied this hand and waited for my boyfriend's hand. Meanwhile...the ones I thought were upstairs were not. Turns out...two others were up there..who ended up dead.

Dreams have such a way of opening your thoughts and your mind to meanings and possiblities. They hold so much strength behind them that most fail to notice. I have always been a believer that my dreams meant something. That maybe they were trying to tell me something. I haven't always have a great track record with this...but when that record was great- it was well worth all the failures...as scary as they were. I'm not completely sure what this all means. I've had a million different things going through my mind over the past few days and weeks that it could have been triggered by a hundred things. A hundred conversations. A hundred moments of sadness. Who knows. But when it does happen (the reason for the dream)...I'd like to think that I will immediately understand the reasoning. The warning will be clear. I just wish the warning was more to clear to me now as opposed to waiting for failure to happen.

Make sure you turn off that light when you leave

When I get scared, I think of my Dad. I take comfort now in knowing that maybe...just maybe...he is looking out for me. He is somewhere up there watching, making sure that I am okay.

I miss him. Immensely. There are no words to describe the aching desire to have him back. I would give anything to have him back for only a few moments. I would give up my whole world just to hear him play one more song on his guitar, rocking out to some silly old music.

When I think back over my fathers life- I realize that he didn't have much to contribute to his life. He didn't have fancy cars and clothes. He didn't get to take those exotic vacations that one dreams of taking. He didn't get those "night out on the town" nights. He didn't have much of anything.

He was a simple man. He worked everyday, for as long as I can remember. He left early in the mornings, before the sun showed it's face. He came home late, when the sun had already left for the evening. He would walk in, with that box in hand, exhausted. Ready to clean the day off of him and rest for tomorrow's tasks.

He didn't get to have much that he enjoyed. He didn't go out with friends, go to parties, go to restaurants. He didn't go bowling or play sports. He didn't have any of those things that most people fill their lives with. With this void, he still...always seemed content with his life. Day in and day out, content.

He was a family man. He loved his family. He loved those who weren't even family. He loved people. He loved everyone. He was a very humble man. He did what he needed to do to ensure that his family was okay and happy. Regardless of what made him happy, and without giving into his own want of happiness- he did what he needed to do for others. He lived his whole life this way.

But why did he do this? Why did he throw his happiness to the side to suffice everyone else? Why did he make so many self sacrifices to ensure the world around his was okay?

I wish I knew. I wish I knew how he was able to survive this way. I wish I knew what kept him going each day. I wish I knew his reasoning.

There are far too many selfish and ignorant people in this world that would never come anywhere close to the kind of person my father was. My father's death is a great loss to this terrible world we live in.

Hugging pillows instead of people...

I need an outlet.

I have so many crazy and screwed up things going on in my life right now, its almost unbearable. I don't understand how I allow myself to get into these situations-every time. It never fails. Never.

How do I let myself accept second best? How do I let myself think that I don't deserve more? How do I let myself be wrapped up into these fairytale stories- only to be thrown into the fire at the end?

Its because I am a stupid woman. No smart, intelligent, witty woman would allow this to be their life. At which point in mine did I make that decision to turn this way? To go left, when I should have gone right? Once on this road, how did I not see all the signs pointing in the wrong direction? Why didn't I turn around? What put me on this path of destruction?

I'm at the point in my life where turning around isn't an option anymore. I can no longer decide what kind of life I will have. I can no longer make those good choices and be who I've always wanted to be. Do you know how sad that makes a person?

Really, really, really...fucking sad.

How pathetic am I?