I spent a half hour in this hotel trying to find my way out. I was completely lost. Didn't help that I was almost blind trying to find my way either. Needless to say, I wont be doing that anymore.

Dignified?

I find it appalling to go back into a situation that you got out of for a good reason. If you felt strongly enough to leave or to stop what was happening from going any further...why fall back into it? I see no point in it. It will turn you into a complete fool.


People so often fall short with their beliefs that its hard to remember what we believed in to begin with. It is so easy to put on a smile and pretend that everything is okay, but deep down, that can't be healthy. You get so deep into the chaos of each day that you forget what the important things are.


Importance.


I find this happening to myself, often. I also notice this happening to almost every person that I know. By almost, I mean, those that allow it to show. Everyone does this. Some are just too blinded or invisible to be aware of it. Imagine if we were able to show weakness, and not get critizied for it. Imagine if we were able to stand our own grounds that we filled at the very beginning. What happened to that? Have we lost the sense of our own worth? Is it that far off to think that we should be able to stick to what made us who we are?


Well, to me, its not. Once again, take it or leave it. If you don't like it, I'd be more than happy to tell you where you can go.

by the way...

I did chicken out today. I totally panicked. Big time. But so what...theres always tomorrow, right? I'll get enough nerve to do it, just gonna take some time. Its a big step. What to do, what to do, what to do?

Marriage

Someone asked me what my thoughts on marriage were today. Well here goes. I think of marriage, and think of anything but. Marriage, to me, is not a necessity. It is not a tradition. It is not an anything. I have no ambition, or desire for marriage. The reasons? I'm not completely sure. I feel as though I don't have to marry someone to be with someone. You can live with someone, and you can be together with someone, and be in love with someone, and not get married. I don't need a certificate, or a fancy wedding to tell me what it is. I like things to be simple. I like things to be controlled. I like things in an order that can easily be handled. My parents have been married for almost 30 years. That's a long time. I don't want to feel like I have no choice. I don't want it to get to that point where I have to live with pretty much anything because I am married. Marriage is for those idiots that refuse to see life the way it should be. In this generation that we are living in right now, its almost normal. Or at least I like to think that way, helps me justify my thoughts. But that's just my point of view. So, all in all, I have nothing against marriage, its just not for me.

   

I thought too much today. I need my own personal switch to turn that off. I am sure that a hundred other people wish I had one of those too. My day was ok-ish.I got pulled over...up til 8am this morning...I had nothing against cops...if I wouldve had my coffee before that happened, they'd probably wouldnt be on my list of go f urselves. I'm not feeling all that good. Can't sleep. My bed has been calling my name for hours now, and I havent responded. I did get to spend some time with some friends today, whom I missed lots, so that was nice. All in all, I'm not complaining...(yeah right)...I'm just sharing. Gnite!

So here is the updated letter to My so-called  Dad. I tried my best not to be mean, and I think I did pretty well. And unless I chicken out at the post office in the morning, im sending out. No regrets right???

(I deleted my address from the end of this letter....because...this is the internet, and there are some creepy peeps out there)


Dear Jimmy,
     So, I know that i've never spoken to you, or seen you, but they say your my dad. My biological dad. Its kinda hard not to believe considering I look so much like your daughters. I'm still very confused about things. I feel helpless. I feel like no one can answer the thousands of questions I have. But at the same time, it almost seems like I shouldn't care. I am not a little girl right now. I am completely grown up. Why now? Why would something like this surface only now? Its been 26 years, I went 26 years without knowing a thing about it. Or maybe just ignorant to the fact that it was a possibility. My head is taking me back and forth with this. I cannot make a decision, which is very out of character for me.
     I am 26 years old. I have two beautiful children. Two children, that pretty much define who I am today. My son, Nicholas, is 10 years old. He is bright, and wonderful. He is caring, and very sensitive. He is my heart. My daughter, Ciara, is 3 years old. She is the greatest gift that God could ever have given to me. Of all the bad that has happened to me, I dont resent him for, only because I have her. She is beautiful, and smart. She is full of wonders and amazement. She is me, a spitting image of myself at that age I'm sure.
     I grew up with a pretty good life. It wasn't always the best, but it was mine, and I made it the best. I have 5 brothers and sisters, all of which look nothing like me. My parents never brought things like this up, and I am almost thankful for it. I am so grateful to have my siblings though. They have brought me so much good and bad, that I could never imagine living life without them. They were my best friends growing up. They were there. Even now, they are there for me. So, in a way, it was a blessing that I never knew, and that things ended up this way.
     You wrote a letter to Jen. It frustrates me beyond belief. I read this letter, because of course, sisters share almost anything with one another. Just by reading the letter I learned a few things. Some things I may not have wanted to know, or cared to know. Some things that I feel made no difference. I did get an instinct that you are pretty sick. I know that you are in the hospital, and have been there for some time. I stopped myself from contacting you purposely. I felt as though, if you wanted to find me, or know that I was ok, you would have. Plus, if I waiting until now, when I found this out, it would be out of complete pity. But I then realized, that I don't do pity for people I don't know. So, I've decided to be the grown up, and contact you, and see if you were ok. After all, even though I didn't ask for this, apparently, you are my biological dad. It is what it is.
     I brought this situation up to my mom one morning. When no one else would. My whole life, no one would. It makes me so angry that half of my world knew this, and no one said a word. Anyways, I asked her about you. She basically confirmed it. That was it. I got no explanation. I got no pitiful conversation. I got a whole lot of nothing. So, i'm thinking that getting answers or explanations from her, are pretty much a dead end for me. After that morning when I asked her about it, for all two minutes, I havent heard another word about it. Now it may seem like my mom is completely heartless to not talk to me about this, and in a way, she probably is, but she wasnt the only one with this information. After all, its a normal thing for a mother to keep things from their daughter. Or at least thats what I tell myself to feel better.
     Now that I know, thinking back, I can see signs. I can notice now, in my mind, times when I would look into my dad's eyes and see something. Something that was killing him to keep inside. He still hasn't said a word to me about it. I don't even think that he knows- I know. There are times when I can feel him trying to tell me, but it probably hurts him so bad, that he stops himself. My dad is so great. he works hard, for everyone. For his family. He has done good by me. He has been by me, at times, when it meant the most. I feel guilty. Guilty that I have been almost, maybe a burden on him. Now, I know he doesnt feel this way, but sometimes I think these things. You all made this decision, before I was able to make any decisions for myself. So I try not to blame myself, or feel bad. But its hard to ignore when those kinds of thoughts come to mind.
     So, as you know, from what I am told, I have bone tumors. I have had them for as long as I can remember. I was told that you met with my mom once, to talk about this. Is that true? The doctors have always told me that it was genetic. It was hard to deal with growing up. I have had multiple surgeries on them. I have had surgeries on both wrists, boths legs, and both ribs. Theres probably ten more bones that I need surgery on as of today, that I've decided not to do. The way I see it, I've spent so much time of my younger life dealing with this, that I am just done. What is to come, can come. From what I am told, it is a form of bone cancer, that forms at the joints of my bones. Osteocromatomatosis? When I was younger, it was something that most doctors never even heard of. The bone tumors that I did have surgeries on have came back. They don't really bother me much, but when they do, its horrible. I try not to worry myself over this, but it is something thats always at the back of my mind. I've had both of my children checked for this, and nothing was detected. Is this something that you've heard of in your family? No one in my mothers family have been known to have something like this.
     I had a daughter, Kayla. She was 3 months when she died. The doctors say she died from a congenital heart defect. Basically, she had a hole in her heart, and it bled out into her lungs. She died in her sleep on Easter morning. Some kind of holiday right? It turns out, that one check, one check that isnt mandatory in the state of pennsylvania to perform, wouldve probably picked up on this when she was born. I blamed every possibility on what had happened. I blame my genetics, I blamed myself, I blamed it on karma, I blamed it on the doctors and the hospital. I blamed it on whatever I could to make myself feel better about it. When I found out that my dad wasn't my biological dad, I blamed it on you. I now believe, and know, that no matter who my parents were, or who my family was, or what I did, or what I could've, would've, or should've known, wasnt the cause for this. I went through a lot when this happened. I learned not to put blame upon anything for this. I came to the conclusion, that things happen, with or without reasons, they happen.I know that there was nothing I couldve done to change the outcome of that awful morning. I sometimes may not admit this out loud, but thats solely for the purpose of allowing myself to feel better when I get angry about it. I believe that this changed me. This is still changing me each day. Grief doesnt go away overnight. It doesn't go away after a month, or a year, or even ten years. It stays with you forever. Its how you deal with it, and how you let it effect your life that matters.
     I am catholic. I was baptised as an infant. I don't go to church on a daily basis. I don't believe much in God, or a greater power. I've read the bible, many times, and I find it to be degrading to half of the people that live in this world. Therefore, making it hard for me to believe or even open to the idea. I mention this because I read in your letter that you pray sometimes. I dont pray. I dont talk to God. I find myself sitting in a church once in a while, in the peacefulness and quietness. Its calming, and it helps me catch up on my thoughts. But it does nothing more than that for me. I visit Kayla a lot at the cemetery. I go once a week. This helps me more than you could ever imagine. If for nothing else, it puts me at peace with things, even for just a few minutes. It is my break from the world.
     I got to meet Melissa. Its hard to believe that we lived only a few miles from one another. We went to school together. To the same school, and never knew her. Its crazy to think that I would walk through hallways each and everyday, probably passing by this girl, that was my sister, and knew nothing. I've only known Melissa for a short time, and have only met with her on a few days, but I can tell she has a huge heart. She has issues, and maybe even too many of them, but who doesnt? She seems like a sister to me, only after spending just little time with her. Her acts and thoughts, i don't agree with. I don't agree with the lifestyle that she is living. I dont think it is my place, or my responsibility to change or "fix" her. She is grown up, theres only so much you can do for someone, whom you barely know, until she can accept she needs help. But when she is ready, I will be more than happy to help in anyway I can.
     I got to meet Carrie. At her wedding reception. She was scary to see, only because I seen so much of myself in her. She is such a good person. I don't know her very well, but I could tell how awesome she was just by meeting with her for a few minutes. Of course it was strange. She seems to have been through some things too, and its almost like it closes her off somewhat. All in all though, I am happy to have met her. It just hurts to have missed out on so much. It makes it hard on where to draw the lines, like meeting someone for the first time ever, and not knowing anything for sure.
     I also got to meet Jolene. She seems more like me than the others. I don't really know her, and I can only go by what I've been told, or read, but when I met her, it was probably one of the most uplifting nights I've had. I seen a lot of myself in her. She seems so full of life, and was just very welcoming. Its hard to come to realization of things that are going on, and she just made things easier for me. I wouldve loved to be able to have more time to visit with her, but what time we had, was better than what we didnt have for the past 26 years.
     Its hard to accept this, and even harder to know that so much time has been lost. So much time that even I'm not sure I would want back. I've had a good life, and I'm planning on continuing it. Just because I found this out, it wont change that. I wont let it.
     Like I said before, this is all strange to me. I am still without answers or explanations about anything. I still wake up in the morning bitter sometimes because i seems like Ive been left in the dark with all of this. I didnt ask for this, and I didnt pry into old memories, and flashbacks that I remember now, but it is what it is now. If there is something you would like to tell me, then Id like to know. This will be the only letter I am going to write to you. I think that this is my part, being fulfilled. Considering that all I really want to know, is if you are ok, and some information on your family, I dont think thats too much to ask for. With not being able to get anything from people I have now, you are the only other person I can ask for this. If you would like to write back to me, my address is ***********************. Please don't leave your return address on the envelope. I ask this only because at any given time, there normally is tons of people at my house, whether it be my brothers, or sisters, or even my dad. These people, who feel they need to protect me, would probably hide a letter from me if they thought it would hurt me.
                                                                                                                         -Miranda Jean

Just had the strangest dream. And yes u were in it.

just by her facial expression today...u can tell shes got my attitude. shes already mastered all of my miserable faces.

my serious sunday

All in all, my day was pretty good today. I wasted most of my morning away with sleep (lazy sundays remember??). By the time I actually got outta my bedroom, it was noonish. Not too bad? So i go upstairs, theres three people here already. Apparently they were here all morning. I dont know. Anyways, I make my coffee. I spilled my coffee (of course). By doing this, my peoples immediately go to the- are u ok mode. So I get a little pissed off. Make them leave. Go back to my room. Get ready for my day. I go to the hospital, visit my mom, who was taken back there yesterday. Shes good. I ran into my doctor there. My bone specialist. Considering I had tests done a month ago, and havent heard anything, I used my best- go "f" yourself tone with him. He says to me...if they had found something that was worth worrying you over, you wouldve known by now. Seriously?? Now this is a doctor, who, probably has never had a patient like me, probably never seen a case like mine, telling me this. I wanted to hit him. I didnt, I behaved. My dad wouldve been so proud. Specialist. Nothing special about him. I leave, go home, work on my outline. My mind is completely blocked. By this time, Im frustrated, and want nothing to do with anything. For some reason, when I have days off, people tend to just get to me. But its whatever. Its Sunday. Im letting it be. I had a nice time out at dinner, with my brothers. Who of course, think they are god's gifts to the earth. But they are guys, they are allowed to be that way. It was fun. It was nice being able to be with them without having to think about what the rest of the world needed from me. All in all, my day was ok. It was a foggy kinda day. Those are nice to have sometimes. I get to go to bed tonight, not having to worry about anything. At least for the next 8 hours. Until then!

This was inside of the restaurant I went to tonight. It has a table inside to eat at, and a tv. If I wanted to eat in a vehicle or in front of a tv, I wouldn't have left my house. The van was kinda cool though, it reminded me of Hurley's van. Which reminds me...I gotta go get the new Weezer Cd...its got Hurley on the cover of it. :)

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

--Ernest Hemingway

if i could have drove through this with my eyes closed, i would have.

Content, or Comtempt?

I witnessed something today. Probably something that no one else would've given a second thought to. Maybe even laugh at. I was waiting, parked outside for someone. I'm out there for maybe fifteen minutes. Which had me furious. Those who know me, know that I am not patient. That I almost panic when I have to wait. Something about the force of nothing. Its sort of when someone gets claustrophobic in small spaces. Which happens to me too, but that's a whole other story. Anyways, I did good. I waited, I tested my patience. Relaxed. So I close my eyes. A minute later, I'm startled by a man's voice. There's this guy, talking to-what appears to be his other half, for lack of better words. The expression in his voice, was insulting to me, and he wasn't even talking to me. She stood there, let this guy converse to her this way, and got in the car with him. That alone, is  completely unreasonable for me to believe. I guess there are people, that are so content with what their lives are, that they are willing to accept what is brought onto them. Without argument, without dignity, not even a blink in the eye. Has it come to the point where someone has to forget what they are worth and take what they get? I have to say I completely disagree with this. Its ashame that we have this in our lives. If you cant live life without being subjected to this, why not change it? I know its easier said then done, but come on now.

Change Is Constant

If we only knew long ago
if we werent so blind to the fact
if we werent so naive to know
it wouldve never came down to that.
Instances happen without warning
lives change without alarm
differences show without mourning
and brings with it ones charm.
Changes, they surface
brilliance comes through
loss stays for its purpose
for nothing is new.
We learn to embrace
we learn to hope and be strong
we learn to show a good face
it seems we were wrong.

Things change.

Flowers my son picked for me today.

politics.

politics. politics. politics. what more is there to say? its like looking at the bigger picture. sit back, think on it, and realize. u dont need someone to tell u whats going on. get a mind that works, and use it. the one thing that should never have to be explained. never.

 House in Selbyville that i wanna burn down.

A whole lotta notta

So, today was my first almost normal day. It was kinda hectic, and a lil bit crazy, but thats the way i like it. I love days when i just dont have to worry about anything. Even if its only for a few hours. Without days like today, Id probably be in a square room, with padded walls. Now......lets hope tonight is a little easier than my past few nights have been. Gotta hope right? Take it or leave it. I will decide, and I will decide soon. Til then!!!

John 4:7

Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God;
and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God.

creepy.

when i look out my window, it seems like the whole world is going slower then me. not aware of this before, i try to see what the u know what is going on. normally people would say the opposite. thats normal for me. but this, strange. so...out and about...gonna go visit my friend in bmore. get myself away from my old ppl neighbors. even if it is only for a few hours.

gotta busy day today. gotta spend an hour driving to site for shoot. that in itself is pure torture. I panic in small places. even cars. im very impatient, to the point that it would get on ur nerves. crazyness.

THEN
by Sandy Goodman

If I had seen what I see now
when I was blinded by sorrow,
I would have surely not believed
and would have turned the other way
and so you hid it from my view,
and waited for the moment when
I would feel another's sadness
before I felt my own.

Thu Sep 16

Nadda!

Dear Miranda,

This is Nancy's first painting....she painted this in 1995. She started painting the angels just before her horse died....Her horse, "El Kadere" was the love of her life. The angels started coming to her at that time.

This little girl "Giving Angel" is Nancy's favorite. She gives it anytime she needs to give a gift. The name of the image says it all. It is actually a little girl that Nancy found and her inner beauty shows through in Nancy's work.

Earlier, Nancy went by N. A. Noel, because men were though to be more famous as artists than women. So, with the initials, nobody knew for sure if N. A. Noel was a woman or a man, but Nancy assumed they would think it was a man, and her art would be more appreciated for that fact. Now, we refer to her as Nancy, but she still signs at N. A. Noel.

Please let me know if I can help you further. I am Nancy's assistant, and I help her with her mail. Because of her dyslexia, it takes her so much time to read through all of her letters. I try to help her answer them.

Sincerely,

Jane Jimison
Noel Studio

Unt.

Lots of things, tend to get in the way
"Don't see me cry", I felt you say.
To feel such pressure in your hands
to know you've fallen and have yet to land.
Is it fear, or perhaps its fate
why is it your life, you seem to hate?
To be led through and stuck alone
to have to ask, "I call this home"?
You look closed in, I'd say its true
someone must be rubbing off on you.

Insane Asylum

So...maybe it was a bad idea? Who knows. I sometimes open up and say things, that most sane people wouldn't. I don't see anything wrong with that. Nevertheless, the other millions of people around me probably do. I can't help it. If I feel some sort of way, and you are creating that for me, you will know about it. Like it or not. No one may like what I have to say, but I'm gonna say it anyways. If only everyone did this more often. Maybe there wouldn't be so much animosity going on in this screwed up world. I can accept criticism. I can accept ignorance. I can accept stupidity. I can even accept being wrong. But I will not accept a blind eye. I will not accept a coward. I will not accept silence. If you have something to say, say it. Be objective, be oblivious, be mindless. If thats what it takes to let someone know what you have to say, then give it.

To sum it up...if I say something, that you may not agree on, don't take it personal.

Sat Sep 11

Nadda

Fri Sep 10

Nadda.

http://www.youtube.com/user/grassrootsgurl?feature=mhum

i seriously got this message from my brother. wtf?

hey psycho. u hiding from the cops or something, cause uve gone m.i.a. everything ok?

Jimmy

So...Ive been trying to write this letter to this new dad of mine. Its hard. Its really hard. Everytime i start writing to him, i get mad at myself for even doing it to begin with. I am such a chicken. I need to learn how to be mean more often. This is what I have so far...


Dear Jimmy
     So, I know that i've never spoken to you, or seen you, but they say your my dad. My biological dad. Its kinda hard not to believe considering I look so much like ur daughters. I'm still very confused about things. I feel helpless. I feel like no one can answer the thousands of questions I have. But at the same time, it almost seems like I shouldn't care. I am not a little girl right now. I am completely grown up. Why now? Why would something like this surface only now? Its been 26 years, I went 26 years without knowing a thing about it. Or maybe just ignorant to the fact that it was a possibility. My head is taking me back and forth with this. I cannot make a decision, which is very out of character for me.
     I am 26 years old. I have two beautiful children. Two children, that pretty much define who I am today. My son, Nicholas, is 10 years old. He is bright, and wonderful. He is caring, and very sensitive. He is my heart. My daughter, Ciara, is 3 years old. She is the greatest gift that God could ever have given to me. Of all the bad that has happened to me, I dont resent him for, only because I have her. She is beautiful, and smart. She is full of wonders and amazement. She is me, a spitting image of myself at that age I'm sure.
I grew up with a pretty good life. It wasn't always the best, but it was mine, and I made it the best. I have 5 brothers and sisters, all of which look nothing like me. My parents never brought things like this up, and I am almost thankful for it. I am so grateful to have my siblings though. They have brought me so much good and bad, that I could never imagine living life without them. They were my best friends growing up. They were there. Even now, they are there for me. So, in a way, it was a blessing that I never knew, and that things ended up this way.

4:45 AM

So, I wake up to him being such an asshole at 4:45 AM. Then he says to me...im leaving. He is still drinking from the night before, mind you. He doesnt make any sense in anything he says, but because he was drunk and on "shit", he does to himself. So, he says, this isnt gonna work out u know, its been like this for some time. I take my phone, roll back over and go to sleep. I wake up at 6 AM with my alarm to get up for work...and threw his ass out. I want to beat the "shit" outta him so he can turn back into the great person he once was.

Sun Sep 5

Gotta love my Mr. Blue.  :)

To Death and Once Again

If there was once a place
in which you could go to
to make the world light up
and make the sky be blue.
This place is something
you could run to after pain
somewhere that could
never make you go insane.
You wouldnt have to worry
at the deeds that you did wrong
you never knew before
but this place was there all along.
Its like a continuing of life
just in a different place
nothing bad about it
to this, you'd have on a brighter face.

Untitled

Not such a great life
as you define yourself as you do
im surprised you keep yourself together
by saying because of you
But the because does not suit
theres something hidden behind
something that is the hardest
thing inside your past to find
I cant say i know what your feeling
or what you went through
i know that when you tell me
theres nothing i can do
To have a childhood
filled with pain and fear
you shouldnt of had to go through that
especially in such early years
But look where you are now
as you grown to be an adult,how?
you have so many things going for you
so forget the past and focus on now

Wed Sep 1

As i think about it
i realize it was meant to be
everyone knew it
and you, again, i'll never see.
Cause you have gone
through heaven's gates,
how or why? i dont know
how come to it, u made no debates?
I just have a few questions
that my mind can't fit together
like why didnt you fight
didnt you want to live forever?
Didnt you have dreams
of who you'de be in the future
you couldve been anything
but i guess thats not a cure.
I dont know
i guess its too late to ask why
because you left, and died
ever before i got to say to you bye.

So, its a little after noon time, ive already gotten pissed off twice, cussed the bf out, and havent gotten one productive thing done! What to do...what to do??