Can I get my hat back please?

Changes...changes...changes. 

The more you fight them, the more they overwhelm you. 

Be nice to them. 

I can live without you

No one ever said it would be easy.

All too often parents grow to become their children's very best friend. They guide them towards their wants and needs. They don't stop to allow that child to try getting there without them. 

I find myself doing this sometimes. I take it easy on my kids because they are all I have. We are the team. I forget so easily that I am the leader of this team. I am guilty of giving in because I don't want to see them sad. I don't want to upset them. 

But then I think back to my childhood. My parents would not allow me to get away with some of the things many do today. My parents would never allow me to talk back or get what I want simply because I put a sappy face on. 

Id like to think that I try my best most times, but sometimes I am lazy to the idea that I am the one shaping these two. When I lie down for bed at night, I get to thinking. I've got to get this right- right now, before its too late. I will not be one of those parents. I may be raising my children alone, but that is no reason to allow for error. I will not use that as an excuse. I've got this. 

After all, one day I will not be here anymore. I've got to ensure these kids have the mind and matter to be okay without me. 

My poison...my drug...the man that I love

This guy. Just one look from this guy and I melt. Just his name appearing on my phone, I crumble. He has my heart in the palm of his hands, and he knows it. The problem is...I completely hate him.

Since day one, years ago...hiding in that corner.

Here's my dilemma- I need to rid him from my world. How is that possible when so much love exists between the two of us? Its said, that love isn't so pretty behind closed curtains. In my case, its the complete opposite. Its not so pretty being displayed to the world, but behind closed curtains...its absolutely amazing. Who wants to hide behind those curtains though? Not me.

I never in my life imagined that I would be stuck in a place I am currently stuck in. Growing up, I imagined that I would have this perfect life. Now that I am all grown up, I realize that- that was a bunch of BS. This world places all these visions and dreams into your head when you're young. They call it motivation or hope. Motivation to go after these dreams and hope that these dreams will come true. What I have learned- you have to work your ass off to get anywhere near these silly dreams that were once placed into your head.

Back to this guy now though. I made a promise to myself a while back that I was going to rid my life of him. That I was going to live my life without him. No matter how hard it would be, no matter how sad I would be, no matter how much I missed him. Taking the easy road back to him is much better than living with hard days. Succumbing to him is much better than being sad all the time. Missing him was easier when he was beside me.

I thought it was hard to live my life without him in it. Now...its just hard to get him out of my life. I have to do this now, beings that its inevitable down the line anyways, but how? Its like being addicted to drugs. Addicts always think that you can get away with just one last hit. Until that one last hit is all it took to kill them.

I need to figure this out before it strangles me whole.

We love each other, but since when is love- alone, enough?

To take your breath away

Sometimes, maybe even all the times...you don't know what is going through one's mind at any given moment. Be careful with the words and actions you choose...it may just make or break a person.

Someone once told me the importance of my words. The power that my words hold. The strength that is behind each and every thing I say. 

For they are mine and only mine. No one can take your thoughts away. No one can take your voice from you. 

If one tries, show 'em who is boss. 

Go Home

I can't wait to meet you there

These last few days have been hard. Not to say the last few months haven't been...but I am really missing my dad. I am missing him just being here. 

Its crazy to think that its been over 10 months since hes been gone. It feels like the more time that passes, the more of him I lose. The more days that go by, the more he isn't here. If ever in my life I needed my dad, its now. 

I am grateful for the life I have and have had because of him. I am grateful for the family I have been a part of because of him. I am grateful for the person he has raised me to be. I am grateful for the lessons he has taught to me. I am grateful for the nights he filled my world with sound. 

Throughout my days, I look at strangers and wonder why...why do they get to be alive, and my dad doesn't? This world is full of crazy, horrible individuals...but my dad gets taken. My dad. Gone. As much sense that lies between the lines, I refuse to make that sense work for me. Call it denial, being naive, whatever. 

I just miss my dad and want him back.