I'm not lonely. I'm alone.

Today. I don't know if I accomplished something that I can take with me forever. I doubt I have made a difference in any part of this world. I am completely unsure of what tomorrow has to offer me. But I can say this...I was not placed in this life with all of the answers. I can guarantee that I will take my mistakes to heart, and learn from them. Let's just hope I don't make too many of those though.

Its the middle of the night. I just suddenly burdened myself with great sadness and grief. I am not even sure what sparked it, or where its pointed towards, but its there.

Everyday I live without her, I disappoint myself. Every moment of my life, I miss her. It may seem to have been a great deal of time since she was here, but it feels like I am still living the nightmare. Day in, and day out. Its almost embarrassing. It seems like I let down the whole world when she was taken, and now, no matter what I do, I can't make it right.

Loss. Its a horrible, painful, and giant part of life. Completely uncontrollable for the most part.

But why does it seem like so many of my days are filled with this uncontrollable loss?

A long time...didn't know what I was doing...

What else can I do?

Im in dire need of some inspiration.

Picking up trash in dresses...

"I never wanted to see you half as bad in all my life as I do now."

Beautiful mess. Thats what it is. What happened to that? What happened to true, serene, unconditional love? What happened to women wanting to seen as women. To be respected, and treated as though they were the only one in the room. To be the one who doesnt have to fend for his attention. To be the one who is always worth fighting for. What happened?

I see it everyday. Women, being treated horrible. Being there for the sole purpose of filling in. Being screamed at, or looked past. At what point did this become okay? At which point did this become normal to walk by without reaction? At which point did the world find it was content with settling. This isnt 100 years ago. Why settle?

I grew up with parents who were picture perfect. They always seemed to be happy, or at least content with what they had. They were solid. They were two people placed on this earth, made for one another. Or so I thought.

Now that I'm older, I can see a bit more clearly. I am not so blind to weaknesses, and troubles.

I now look at my picture perfect parents, and feel sorry for them. It makes me sad to know they settled for one another. It makes me sad that they thought it was a neccessity to keep one another around, just simply because- thats what you do.

If nothing else, if I accomplish nothing more, I WILL not settle. I will not recind my beliefs or expectancy to match someone else's level.

You either get it, or you dont. Whatever.

Day One

My heart will be fine, just stop wasting my time.

I break someone's heart each day. Whether it be my own, or someone else's. Each day. I know I do it. Sometimes, I can't help it. Sometimes I can.

Who care's though right?

In a world where what we want, is what we want until we hit the top.

The thought of what I'd do for you
Seems crazy even to me
The paths I'd lead myself down
Yet, you dont even see.

My mind is overwhelmed
by nothing else but you
My awareness fell to pieces
Yet, you seem to have no clue.

I've let you overcome me. But not anymore. I'm done.

Trying to make the best of my time

And so it begins. The conclusion that I knew would be happening. Because thats what I do.

I allow things to be placed into my world. I allow myself to enjoy them. I allow myself to end them.

Why is it that my mind is so content with what I have, that it doesnt allow for change, or newness, or differences. Am I in that much fear to think that letting go of normalcy will hurt me? Why cant I get that phrase into my head about this? That one simple phrase...It will be okay.

But will it be okay? Whos to say that it will or it wont? Uncertainty. I dont do well with it. I dont get along with it. But I need to make it my friend every now and then. What else is out there?

...And the head hits the door...hurting, but how sweet it is to feel the knock...

He's doing it again.

I wish I wasnt so indecisive about this. My mind can make a million choices and decisions each day. Why am I so up in the air on this one?


I want to put a pillow in front of my face and scream as loud as my lungs allow, and hope the entire world hears me.

Sing this song...reminds me that we'll always have eachother...

Its been three weeks since my last visit. I try to distance myself from sadness. It doesnt work. It only makes me miss her, and in turn, makes me sad.

I remember throughout the first couple weeks. When it would rain, I'd take an umbrella with me to see her, sometimes two. I would stick that umbrella into the ground so the rain wouldnt reach her. It may seem silly or crazy now to think about it...

"What is this crazy mess of a woman doing sticking an umbrella into the ground? Has she lost her mind? Its pouring buckets of rain out here. She could be using that umbrella to keep herself dry, but instead, shes soaked."

I will be the first to admit that yes- I am pretty sure that I did lose my mind. I cant for sure say that I've ever completely found it, but it is what it is, right? It comforted me then. I dont know or understand what it was. Almost like I was overcome with guilt, and loss. I felt the need to protect her, even after she was gone. I still do. People so seldom see me vulnerable. I dont allow it to show. I guess thats where I get this whole- cold and heartless tag thrown upon me. It doesnt matter though. She knows I'm here, and always will be. I like to think that I was comforting her. Kind of like when someone you know is sick, and you visit with them, at their bedside, just sitting there, and allowing them to know you are there for them. To help them with what they need, and to protect them, and just share the silence of the moment with them. Thats what its like with her. Only, with her, it goes both ways. I go there with a purpose, and I leave there with sorrow, and comfort, that I just shared a few moments of my life with her, when the world thought that it was impossible to have such a thing.

I'm rambling here, but the point is, I miss her. Everyday, I miss her. Pure anguish.

...And there goes my heart.

My beautiful babes. What more is there to live for? There is no greater award in life than being able to wake up to their faces. They are innocent, not affected by the worlds crazy antics just yet, not molded into any one specific thing. They are still impressionable. Still able to be taught, and shown the right way. They have not been dipped into the mess of nonsense that exists outside of the walls of a cozy home.

I couldnt imagine my life without them. I am pretty sure that I was born to this world to share my life with them. Its amazing what they turn me into.

Throughout my entire day, I find myself in the midst of madness. Getting angry at small things, overwhelmed by unneccessary tasks, beside myself with the craziness of the day. But you give me five minutes with them, and its a whole different world. I go from anger to laughter, overwhelmed to impressed, smile for no reason, in awe over each moment.

They fill my life with such greatness. I am so thankful to have them in my life.

What are you thankful for?