Semaj Rawna

Ice in the parking lot...caught that car
Through the elevator doors...where we are.

Greatest escapes...in brisk cold air
Company kept...as we always did there.

Comfort well chosen...for the needs to be
Wrapped into arms...safe enough for me.

What are you typing?

Well, I've done it. I made it (almost) through this night. Although it is morning now...it still kind of feels like night to me. Probably due to my lack of sleep...but I'm here.

Last night was a horrible night. Glad to say that it's over and (almost) done with.

A few nights ago...I had a strange and quite scary dream. I was havnig a party of some sorts in the back yard...with most of my family, when out of no where my house lights up and is on fire. At the beginning of this fire, it was only the upstairs of my home that was amid flames. During this time...my mother and boyfriend began taking things from out of the kitchen and bottom floor of the house to "save" things as quick as they could before the fire reached the downstairs. They sat there in conversations...saving things. It didn't seem like they were the least bit hasty in saving things. In the midst of this horrible incident...I realize there are people upstairs- where the fire is. So of course, I run up there to save them. In doing this- I get stuck. On steps, maybe? Then a hand appears. The hand of my boyfriend. When I touch this hand...it isn't his. I can immediately tell, it isn't his. But it appears to be him. I denied this hand and waited for my boyfriend's hand. Meanwhile...the ones I thought were upstairs were not. Turns out...two others were up there..who ended up dead.

Dreams have such a way of opening your thoughts and your mind to meanings and possiblities. They hold so much strength behind them that most fail to notice. I have always been a believer that my dreams meant something. That maybe they were trying to tell me something. I haven't always have a great track record with this...but when that record was great- it was well worth all the failures...as scary as they were. I'm not completely sure what this all means. I've had a million different things going through my mind over the past few days and weeks that it could have been triggered by a hundred things. A hundred conversations. A hundred moments of sadness. Who knows. But when it does happen (the reason for the dream)...I'd like to think that I will immediately understand the reasoning. The warning will be clear. I just wish the warning was more to clear to me now as opposed to waiting for failure to happen.

Make sure you turn off that light when you leave

When I get scared, I think of my Dad. I take comfort now in knowing that maybe...just maybe...he is looking out for me. He is somewhere up there watching, making sure that I am okay.

I miss him. Immensely. There are no words to describe the aching desire to have him back. I would give anything to have him back for only a few moments. I would give up my whole world just to hear him play one more song on his guitar, rocking out to some silly old music.

When I think back over my fathers life- I realize that he didn't have much to contribute to his life. He didn't have fancy cars and clothes. He didn't get to take those exotic vacations that one dreams of taking. He didn't get those "night out on the town" nights. He didn't have much of anything.

He was a simple man. He worked everyday, for as long as I can remember. He left early in the mornings, before the sun showed it's face. He came home late, when the sun had already left for the evening. He would walk in, with that box in hand, exhausted. Ready to clean the day off of him and rest for tomorrow's tasks.

He didn't get to have much that he enjoyed. He didn't go out with friends, go to parties, go to restaurants. He didn't go bowling or play sports. He didn't have any of those things that most people fill their lives with. With this void, he still...always seemed content with his life. Day in and day out, content.

He was a family man. He loved his family. He loved those who weren't even family. He loved people. He loved everyone. He was a very humble man. He did what he needed to do to ensure that his family was okay and happy. Regardless of what made him happy, and without giving into his own want of happiness- he did what he needed to do for others. He lived his whole life this way.

But why did he do this? Why did he throw his happiness to the side to suffice everyone else? Why did he make so many self sacrifices to ensure the world around his was okay?

I wish I knew. I wish I knew how he was able to survive this way. I wish I knew what kept him going each day. I wish I knew his reasoning.

There are far too many selfish and ignorant people in this world that would never come anywhere close to the kind of person my father was. My father's death is a great loss to this terrible world we live in.

Hugging pillows instead of people...

I need an outlet.

I have so many crazy and screwed up things going on in my life right now, its almost unbearable. I don't understand how I allow myself to get into these situations-every time. It never fails. Never.

How do I let myself accept second best? How do I let myself think that I don't deserve more? How do I let myself be wrapped up into these fairytale stories- only to be thrown into the fire at the end?

Its because I am a stupid woman. No smart, intelligent, witty woman would allow this to be their life. At which point in mine did I make that decision to turn this way? To go left, when I should have gone right? Once on this road, how did I not see all the signs pointing in the wrong direction? Why didn't I turn around? What put me on this path of destruction?

I'm at the point in my life where turning around isn't an option anymore. I can no longer decide what kind of life I will have. I can no longer make those good choices and be who I've always wanted to be. Do you know how sad that makes a person?

Really, really, really...fucking sad.

How pathetic am I?

Don"t wanna burn by myself

Over the last few days, I've been going absolutely crazy with thoughts circling inside of this mess of a mind of mine.

I woke up a day and so ago with just pure anguish being poured overtop of me. I'm pretty sure that it was brought on by some random triggers going on lately, but still...I thought I was getting away from all of this.

I miss her. I am still filled with anger. I am still at war with myself because of this. I have so much guilt built up inside of me that sometimes it reminds me of a house fire. Swallowing up the home, the memories, the foundation. When that fire is out, the remains are a few random pieces of burnt furniture and some broken glass. Water has damaged anything that would have or could have hoped to be salvaged in the midst of the saving.

I am that mess, those remains.

No one else knows this though. I will not let that happen.

Leave a world behind

How do I get myself into these situations?

At the end of my days, I think...I want out. I need out. Get me out.

This cannot be normal.

The bigger issue here...what brings me back to this each and every time? People say that things happen for reasons. I wish I knew those reasons. Sometimes I use that as an excuse to deal with it for just one more day. "Let's just go through one more day. It won't be so bad".

But then...tomorrow happens. With these tomorrow's, I find myself faced with the same question. How many times can one ask themselves the same question and give the same stupid questions?

Waiting is what I'll do...

Daniel.

What can I tell you about Daniel? There isn't enough words in the world to describe what he means to me. There are no where near enough experiences that one could have-to compare what he has brought into my life.

With him, it's easy. I don't have to be someone I'm not. I don't have to pretend the world is any different than what it seems. It's almost as if he and I were soul mates. Always meant to share days with one another. Always.

With him, I feel safe. When I say safe, I mean- not on defense mode. I can talk to him and share things with him like no one else. I can give myself entirely to him without expecting or fearing that it will be returned defectively.

With him, things are okay. It does not matter what sort of nonsense the days throw at me, things will be okay. Having him to come home to, at the end of the night- assures me that I don't have to worry. I don't have to question. Everything is going to be okay.

Wow.

After all this time. 

Crazy how the world throws pitches at you when you least expect it. It's even crazier when you get that one pitch that comes right to your glove. Fits perfectly as if it knew it belonged there. 

Almost like being lost, unable to find your way home. That magical...unbelievable night when you finally step foot on the curb. After all the hard roads you've walked. It's the moment you are right where you were always meant to be and you know it.

Can I get my hat back please?

Changes...changes...changes. 

The more you fight them, the more they overwhelm you. 

Be nice to them. 

I can live without you

No one ever said it would be easy.

All too often parents grow to become their children's very best friend. They guide them towards their wants and needs. They don't stop to allow that child to try getting there without them. 

I find myself doing this sometimes. I take it easy on my kids because they are all I have. We are the team. I forget so easily that I am the leader of this team. I am guilty of giving in because I don't want to see them sad. I don't want to upset them. 

But then I think back to my childhood. My parents would not allow me to get away with some of the things many do today. My parents would never allow me to talk back or get what I want simply because I put a sappy face on. 

Id like to think that I try my best most times, but sometimes I am lazy to the idea that I am the one shaping these two. When I lie down for bed at night, I get to thinking. I've got to get this right- right now, before its too late. I will not be one of those parents. I may be raising my children alone, but that is no reason to allow for error. I will not use that as an excuse. I've got this. 

After all, one day I will not be here anymore. I've got to ensure these kids have the mind and matter to be okay without me. 

My poison...my drug...the man that I love

This guy. Just one look from this guy and I melt. Just his name appearing on my phone, I crumble. He has my heart in the palm of his hands, and he knows it. The problem is...I completely hate him.

Since day one, years ago...hiding in that corner.

Here's my dilemma- I need to rid him from my world. How is that possible when so much love exists between the two of us? Its said, that love isn't so pretty behind closed curtains. In my case, its the complete opposite. Its not so pretty being displayed to the world, but behind closed curtains...its absolutely amazing. Who wants to hide behind those curtains though? Not me.

I never in my life imagined that I would be stuck in a place I am currently stuck in. Growing up, I imagined that I would have this perfect life. Now that I am all grown up, I realize that- that was a bunch of BS. This world places all these visions and dreams into your head when you're young. They call it motivation or hope. Motivation to go after these dreams and hope that these dreams will come true. What I have learned- you have to work your ass off to get anywhere near these silly dreams that were once placed into your head.

Back to this guy now though. I made a promise to myself a while back that I was going to rid my life of him. That I was going to live my life without him. No matter how hard it would be, no matter how sad I would be, no matter how much I missed him. Taking the easy road back to him is much better than living with hard days. Succumbing to him is much better than being sad all the time. Missing him was easier when he was beside me.

I thought it was hard to live my life without him in it. Now...its just hard to get him out of my life. I have to do this now, beings that its inevitable down the line anyways, but how? Its like being addicted to drugs. Addicts always think that you can get away with just one last hit. Until that one last hit is all it took to kill them.

I need to figure this out before it strangles me whole.

We love each other, but since when is love- alone, enough?

To take your breath away

Sometimes, maybe even all the times...you don't know what is going through one's mind at any given moment. Be careful with the words and actions you choose...it may just make or break a person.

Someone once told me the importance of my words. The power that my words hold. The strength that is behind each and every thing I say. 

For they are mine and only mine. No one can take your thoughts away. No one can take your voice from you. 

If one tries, show 'em who is boss. 

Go Home

I can't wait to meet you there

These last few days have been hard. Not to say the last few months haven't been...but I am really missing my dad. I am missing him just being here. 

Its crazy to think that its been over 10 months since hes been gone. It feels like the more time that passes, the more of him I lose. The more days that go by, the more he isn't here. If ever in my life I needed my dad, its now. 

I am grateful for the life I have and have had because of him. I am grateful for the family I have been a part of because of him. I am grateful for the person he has raised me to be. I am grateful for the lessons he has taught to me. I am grateful for the nights he filled my world with sound. 

Throughout my days, I look at strangers and wonder why...why do they get to be alive, and my dad doesn't? This world is full of crazy, horrible individuals...but my dad gets taken. My dad. Gone. As much sense that lies between the lines, I refuse to make that sense work for me. Call it denial, being naive, whatever. 

I just miss my dad and want him back. 

Snoring and a roaring

 

This was my life. For nine whole months, this was my life. Who was I kidding?

 

I should have taken my own warning from the get go. I should have stuck with the first 30 day challenge. I should have turned around and walked away when I had the chance. I should have deleted that number, erased those pictures, pretended you didn't exist in my world. I should have saved my time for something greater.

 

Thing is though-

 

I didnt want to listen to those warnings. I hated that 30 day challenge. I loved being in your arms, how could I walk away from that? I couldnt delete that number, I memorized it instead. Those pictures- I love every single on of them. You were my world. Those moments I shared with you, were some of the greatest moments of my life.

 

I now find myself in such debate over what to do. Am I supposed to stick around and play this waiting game? Do I move on to something that will make me happy, something that has been staring me in my face this whole time? How do I give up the greatest love of my entire life without a fight? One year ago today, you fought for me- and won. I can feel it slipping away. Slowly, but surely it moves further away than it was yesterday. The question is though- am I up for this fight?

You've had a taste of it

 

Its crazy to take a step back and reflect on your life. The decisions you make, the places you've been, the people you meet.

This one in particular is my "safety net". When I try to make excuses for keeping this one at arms length, I feel selfish. Selfish that I cannot for the life of me- make up my mind. Selfish that I refuse to share him with the world. I cannot succomb to the idea of being defeated. I know he will make me happy. I know that he would do anything for me. He would die for me.

So why can't I cut these loose ends off around me and just be happy? Why can't I just give up everything else and go for it? This one is a keeper.


It all falls back on the black shirt. He is to blame for everything. My god- I hate him. I am going to regret this later, I always do.

Cheerios

I wish I would have listened and paid more attention to this long ago. This is more true than anything anyone could advise you on.

With my dad, I knew it was bad, but didn't know how bad it really was. As his illness progressed, even though it was obvious, I was in complete denial. Those moments I had with him then, didn't seem like the last. Days turned into months. Towards the end, those minutes with him felt more meaningful than anything in my entire life. 

There are still millions of things I wished I had talked to him about or said to him. Time for those things and talks is now obsolete. It no longer presents itself as an opportunity. But my god! I wish I would have when I had the chance before. 

Don't take these things lightly. Time does eventually run out. 

My great escape

When I think about tomorrow, I get frightened by the mere thought of waking up to it. As the minutes turn into hours within my days, I wait. Patiently, I wait. I'm never completely sure of what it is I am waiting for, but I always like to think that I am waiting for the good in life. Sometimes I'm not clear whether I should be waiting. Most say that you've got to contribute to the world to taste the good in it. They say that just waiting around for this good is a waste of time, and will get you nowhere. 

With the presence of this judgement, I can't help but think- what is it I should be doing? How do I fill the blank days when I don't have the necessities to make something out of it? 

How do I know the difference between what I should be doing and what I could be doing? 

I need some serious guidance here. 

My god! Have I missed the sound of this!

Okay, so I did it. It's only the second day into the year and I've already given up one of my three resolutions.

I know that things aren't different between us. Things are still over, but it's hard. This doesn't change that. 

I tried not to call him. I tried not to text him. I tried not to contact him in any way. I made that one of my resolutions. To get over him. To do this, I would have to force myself to delete him completely from my life. 

But then he texted me. A simple "hello". 

I fought and fought with myself. But I always give into this. I thought, what's the harm?? I dialed his number, then cancelled. Four times. When I finally did it the fifth time, I felt nervous. Nervous. 

It was as though nothing had changed between us. Like it was just a normal thing. It felt so right to talk to him. It was like nothing had happened. 

When you throw out the fact that we are in love with each other, that we were meant to be together, that we were made for each other- it's leaves my best friend. He is my best friend. 

How do you live without your best friend? 

I'm not going to give up this resolution. I'm going to start over again tomorrow without him. I'm going to fight myself when I get that urge to call him. I'm going to pretend he doesn't exist in this world. 

But for an hour today, I had my best friend again. 

I love him, with my entire being. I am so in love with him that I can't think straight sometimes. He isn't good for me though. He's like a bad habit that I cannot kick. Destiny wants us to be together, but pushes us apart at the same time. 

It's going to be a great loss I will have to live with, but

 I will move on without him. 

I want to believe you.

Sometimes, it's hard. 

It's hard to get past the feelings that come pouring out at any given moment. It's hard to move on from something you're not ready to give up just yet. It's hard to have enough strength to walk away. It's hard to go a day without these thoughts consuming my mind.

Sometimes, it's easy. 

It's easy to pretend things don't exist. It's easy to make something out of what it's not. It's easy to be angry at the world. It's easy to let time pass.

Why are the hard ones so easy to fall for? 

Make a face, face.

Me and my sister Jen on New Years Eve. We were funny facing on snapchat with my little brother over his new GF. Silliness. 

Me too!

Love this girl with my whole heart! I am so thankful that this world has given me such greatness. Nothing comes close to comparing how she makes me feel everyday! 

All done??

This would be nice to have! Knowing me, I'd be the one to run from it! What am I going to do with myself!