I'm really trying here. It feels as though the world just isn't playing fair with me. I am in desperate need of some sort of inspiration. Something to tell me things will be okay.

It's time. Time to be okay, time to be done, time to move on. Wish me luck, cuz I'm gonna need it.

OMG. Its almost four in the morning, and I'm still awake. My day seems to never be ending. Its when your days start running into one another that you notice somethings gotta give. Something is missing.

Or maybe I just need to kick someones u know what?

I need to get my mind thinking clearly. It sucks...cuz sometimes, I just can't help myself. 

Crazy makes for a better time. Right?



Somethings slipping.

If one day, you wake up...and realize that you are missing me...just pretend that I'm there. Imagine me, holding your hand. Keeping you warm.

...Only cuz that's exactly what I'll be doing.

Don't allow your mind to become a mess. Take chances. The day may break you to pieces, but it will be completely worth it.

I search for something...to compare you to...

Havent found it yet...but I'm still trying.

I miss you. I can't think right at times. Sometimes I sit...and almost stop breathing. My eyes long for the sight of you. Then I think to myself...who am I kidding?

They say bad things happen for a reason. But what if bad things happen for no reason? Wheres the explanation of that?

I can't seperate my anger from my heart. I cannot bring myself to forgive you. I cannot suck it up and lose my pride in this mess.

You tell me to be strong. You tell me that things will be okay. I think you are a lying son of a bitch.

...and yet, I still love ya.

I'll be saving my heart for someone who's deserving of it. Someone who does not break my rules, or cause confusion. If I die with my heart, that's okay too. Just means no one showed me more than meets the eyes. We'll see.

Hey...check it out...

Don't get blinded.

You say its my heart...I say its my curiosity. But...I will allow...yes, I said allow...you to think that its all these addictive feelings and whatnot.

Apparently, when I allow you to have the last say with that, you are able to sleep better at night, or feel more enpowered, or more "master" like.

Give it time, give me some time, you will completely understand. Good luck though.

Mr. Fancy Pants...doing his silly dance :)

Talk is talk, it means nothing unless the eyes of the speaker are seen by the listener. With that said, its all just "talk" to me when you're not staring me in my face- gazingggg. If you want your point to come across to me like you pretend you do...then show me...don't just talk about it. :) 

Denial sucks doesn't it? I read a little about it...it pretty much summed it up as this...

Denial = A word used to describe when you don't even know you're lying. 

Quit it would ya? You make yourself look silly :) 

And if you turn to me, love...

Just when I think things will not stop running and changing all around me...I find myself stuck. As though the entire world is moving, and I'm still in the same place I woke up to this morning...yesterday morning...etc.

Change is good, I know this. I have things going on right now in my life that I have always wanted, things that I thought I could never have, impossible things... (things...not people)...and I still feel stuck. Kind of like the warning goes...don't wish for something unless you know what you're wishing for. Or maybe its the warning of...you never realize what you have, until its gone. Something to those two effects...something.

So, here I am...sitting with everything I've been wishing, and hoping for...in the palm of my hands...and still do not have the ability to call myself happy.

...and I'm not liking it.

What the...forgive.

What falls under the category of forgivable? I know there are select things that fall under the category of unforgivable, but what are they. How do you know what you are not forgiving for is normal? Who makes up these terms anyways?

My thing is...if I feel that it will break some sort of pride or righteousness in my mind, of my own, to forgive it, then its unforgivable. Right?

Its so easy to say these words...or type these words in this case...but at the same time, its so hard living with them.

What the...?? Someone please help me out here.

I can foresee a book about to be written. Fuck these days.

...Okay.

Thats the thought that I repeat to myself everyday. It helps. It works for me. Don't laugh until you try it.

Do I have to fall asleep...with roses in my hands...

I feel you everywhere. You are beside me, leaning against me, when I think no ones around. You are staring me in my eyes when cruel intentions come to mind. Your hand is in mine, when I feel I'm not strong enough to walk away. You kiss my cheek when my face burns with anger. Your head is on my shoulders, when I find myself unable to breathe. You are everywhere. Thank you for being there.

Jimmy...James...

Why do I always let my mind go here? When days are hard, or things get rough, or nights get scary...I think of him. I guess its an easy blame. Sometimes I'd like to think that those days maybe wouldnt be so hard, or things may not be tough, and nights wouldnt be scary had he stayed. Who am I kidding though? I know years ago, things were different. Things were easier to walk away from. Things were more inclined to be swept under the carpet and never spoken about again...or at least thats what I'm told.

I cant help but come across these thoughts throughout my days. Is this just a waste of my time? Regardless of what any one person will ever admit to- there is always a void when a parent is gone. Sometimes, even when that parent is in the next room. This void, is eventually filled with something else, or someone else. But theres always hurt, and anguished thats deep below the filled void.

I am a very thankful person. I am thankful for the life I have, the people in it, my memories, my potential. But theres always gonna be that wonder. That curiosity. Those- what if's.

I don't know whether to hate him, or love him. Human kindness tells me to love him, but my thoughts, my mind, my heart, tells me to hate him.

First Straw

Notion

Only Love Can Break Your Heart

What others think of you...is none of your business.

Eventually, every one's time in life ends up here. With that said...

...make peace with your past, so it doesn't spoil your future.

...time heals everything, give the time, some time.

...no one is the reason for your happiness, except you, yourself.

...don't compare your life to others, you have no idea what their road has been like.

...stop thinking too much, its alright to not know all the answers.

...smile, you don't own all the problems in the world.

I think I may be the meanest, most heartless person that I have ever met. What is wrong with me?

Days are gone now..

There are probably a thousand things that one could experience throughout their day, that makes them go absolutely crazy. They may not express this, they may not show it to the world, or let anyone know its happening. But it happens. 

Take "love" as an example. Any given person lives, dies, and kills for it. It makes people crazy. What else in this world, maybe aside from illegal drugs, or mental illnesses that have this effect on someone? No one tells you that a simple act of meeting any one person, could lead to all the silliness, the wild antics...etc...all this stuff that adds up to the simple explanation of love. No one tells you that it makes you go crazy. You would think someone would at least warn you of something that could have such great effect on your life. But yes, I know...nonsense. I"ll go with the reasoning of...everyone has to experience this for themselves. If told...it takes all the fun out of it.

Kinda goes back to the whole- who are you kidding analogy that I have placed inside of my mind...for me and only me.

Funny thing with me...I don't need this kinda nonsense...I'm already crazy.

Its late...and its called rambling.

I am so done with these days. Done with these people. Done with these feelings. Done.

Enough said.

Put your gloves on, and let's settle this.



My "goodnights"

Its two in the morning, and I cannot sleep. No matter what I try, it doesn't help. I can only guess that I do this to myself. I allow my mind to be filled with such madness, and expect myself to hold the ability of putting it to rest so easily. For some unknown reason, I just got extremely angry. Out of no where. It's what I do. Call it what you want, but sometimes it's normal for me. Maybe I am too strong willed, or too stubborn, or too crazy for my own good. Either which way, I don't care.

Take it or leave it, right?


Side note...everyone has that one person that can level themselves off when the need to is there. Someone to make you laugh when there's not much to laugh about. Someone to make you smile when you're sad. Someone to yell at you when you need a reality check. Someone who will listen to your BS when no one else wants to hear it. Someone that makes you feel safe, even when they are miles away from you. Someone that has taken the role of no expectations needed and given you a world of great expectations. I'm very thankful that I have one of these people in my life. As much as I complain and get angry at them, at the end of the day, I know they've got my back. No matter what I filled their day with, they're always there. I hope everyone in this messed up world finds someone like that to be their friend too.

Two way street

This "two way street" is about to be turned into a one way. It's been a long time now. This street should be nothing new to you. What is it that you do not get? Quit it with your nonsense or live your day without me.

I'm so done with people right now.

We've got a lot to learn

Of course, its hard. Of course, you will want to change your mind a hundred times about it. Of course, it will seem like the scariest thing. Uncertainty does that to people. This is all normal.

Never be afraid to start over. It does get easier.

Stealing happy hour?

When you're needing my hand...

I will be there...cuz that's just me. But I promise you- if you take advantage, my hand won't be there the next time. With that said, when you hold my hand, hold on tight, or it will slip away fast :)

Momma

Well...I had a pretty good day today, weird huh? Take away all of the nonsense...the annoyance...and the madness...and I may even have to say it was great. But, let's not get ahead of myself here. I'm still thinking about her. More frequently nowadays. What's to be expected though? When all is said and done...it is what it is.

Circles...when things spin out of your control, it leaves you lost. It leaves you with no clue on which way to go next. Little did you know, this world is one big circle. This time around, just make sure you do it RIGHT.