Snoring and a roaring

 

This was my life. For nine whole months, this was my life. Who was I kidding?

 

I should have taken my own warning from the get go. I should have stuck with the first 30 day challenge. I should have turned around and walked away when I had the chance. I should have deleted that number, erased those pictures, pretended you didn't exist in my world. I should have saved my time for something greater.

 

Thing is though-

 

I didnt want to listen to those warnings. I hated that 30 day challenge. I loved being in your arms, how could I walk away from that? I couldnt delete that number, I memorized it instead. Those pictures- I love every single on of them. You were my world. Those moments I shared with you, were some of the greatest moments of my life.

 

I now find myself in such debate over what to do. Am I supposed to stick around and play this waiting game? Do I move on to something that will make me happy, something that has been staring me in my face this whole time? How do I give up the greatest love of my entire life without a fight? One year ago today, you fought for me- and won. I can feel it slipping away. Slowly, but surely it moves further away than it was yesterday. The question is though- am I up for this fight?

You've had a taste of it

 

Its crazy to take a step back and reflect on your life. The decisions you make, the places you've been, the people you meet.

This one in particular is my "safety net". When I try to make excuses for keeping this one at arms length, I feel selfish. Selfish that I cannot for the life of me- make up my mind. Selfish that I refuse to share him with the world. I cannot succomb to the idea of being defeated. I know he will make me happy. I know that he would do anything for me. He would die for me.

So why can't I cut these loose ends off around me and just be happy? Why can't I just give up everything else and go for it? This one is a keeper.


It all falls back on the black shirt. He is to blame for everything. My god- I hate him. I am going to regret this later, I always do.

Cheerios

I wish I would have listened and paid more attention to this long ago. This is more true than anything anyone could advise you on.

With my dad, I knew it was bad, but didn't know how bad it really was. As his illness progressed, even though it was obvious, I was in complete denial. Those moments I had with him then, didn't seem like the last. Days turned into months. Towards the end, those minutes with him felt more meaningful than anything in my entire life. 

There are still millions of things I wished I had talked to him about or said to him. Time for those things and talks is now obsolete. It no longer presents itself as an opportunity. But my god! I wish I would have when I had the chance before. 

Don't take these things lightly. Time does eventually run out. 

My great escape

When I think about tomorrow, I get frightened by the mere thought of waking up to it. As the minutes turn into hours within my days, I wait. Patiently, I wait. I'm never completely sure of what it is I am waiting for, but I always like to think that I am waiting for the good in life. Sometimes I'm not clear whether I should be waiting. Most say that you've got to contribute to the world to taste the good in it. They say that just waiting around for this good is a waste of time, and will get you nowhere. 

With the presence of this judgement, I can't help but think- what is it I should be doing? How do I fill the blank days when I don't have the necessities to make something out of it? 

How do I know the difference between what I should be doing and what I could be doing? 

I need some serious guidance here. 

My god! Have I missed the sound of this!

Okay, so I did it. It's only the second day into the year and I've already given up one of my three resolutions.

I know that things aren't different between us. Things are still over, but it's hard. This doesn't change that. 

I tried not to call him. I tried not to text him. I tried not to contact him in any way. I made that one of my resolutions. To get over him. To do this, I would have to force myself to delete him completely from my life. 

But then he texted me. A simple "hello". 

I fought and fought with myself. But I always give into this. I thought, what's the harm?? I dialed his number, then cancelled. Four times. When I finally did it the fifth time, I felt nervous. Nervous. 

It was as though nothing had changed between us. Like it was just a normal thing. It felt so right to talk to him. It was like nothing had happened. 

When you throw out the fact that we are in love with each other, that we were meant to be together, that we were made for each other- it's leaves my best friend. He is my best friend. 

How do you live without your best friend? 

I'm not going to give up this resolution. I'm going to start over again tomorrow without him. I'm going to fight myself when I get that urge to call him. I'm going to pretend he doesn't exist in this world. 

But for an hour today, I had my best friend again. 

I love him, with my entire being. I am so in love with him that I can't think straight sometimes. He isn't good for me though. He's like a bad habit that I cannot kick. Destiny wants us to be together, but pushes us apart at the same time. 

It's going to be a great loss I will have to live with, but

 I will move on without him. 

I want to believe you.

Sometimes, it's hard. 

It's hard to get past the feelings that come pouring out at any given moment. It's hard to move on from something you're not ready to give up just yet. It's hard to have enough strength to walk away. It's hard to go a day without these thoughts consuming my mind.

Sometimes, it's easy. 

It's easy to pretend things don't exist. It's easy to make something out of what it's not. It's easy to be angry at the world. It's easy to let time pass.

Why are the hard ones so easy to fall for? 

Make a face, face.

Me and my sister Jen on New Years Eve. We were funny facing on snapchat with my little brother over his new GF. Silliness. 

Me too!

Love this girl with my whole heart! I am so thankful that this world has given me such greatness. Nothing comes close to comparing how she makes me feel everyday! 

All done??

This would be nice to have! Knowing me, I'd be the one to run from it! What am I going to do with myself!