Do whatever you want

He doesn't know ME. That- in itself is completely obvious. He doesn't know my favorites, things I dislike, my dreams. He doesn't know my habits, my hobbies, my sadness. He doesn't know what angers me or what makes me happy. He doesn't know how my sentences will end or how I feel on Tuesdays. He doesn't know how much pain I've endured that made me this way. He doesn't know the darkness that lives inside of me. He doesn't know how hard I've fought to be myself in a world that questions that. He doesn't know how bold I can be when I feel the need. He doesn't know deep I love when I love. He doesn't know how much it took for me to open up and not be alone anymore. He doesn't know how much I struggle daily. He doesn't know the guilt that has made a home within me. He doesn't know the grief I live with everyday. He doesn't know I don't take pictures anymore. He doesn't know I don't write anymore. He doesn't know I am at war with myself. He doesn't know I enjoy chaos. He doesn't know I think I am not beautiful. He doesn't know I feel unwanted. He doesn't know the reasons behind my decisions. He doesn't know what exactly is important to me. He doesn't know why I am often content with nothing. He doesn't know I cry everyday. He doesn't know I long for him when he is sitting beside me. He doesn't know I'm scared of the dark. He doesn't know the lengths in which I'd go to make him happy. He doesn't know that his words hurt me. He doesn't know that I want nothing more than to be with him. He doesn't know that the dreams I have at night come true, and the ones I have during the day- don't. 

Maybe none of this matters to him. Maybe he is content with not knowing. 

But how can he love me and not even know me? 

Illumination

My biggest fear right now- dying with sadness. Throughout your life you eventually do learn what to hold on to and what to rid your life of. I've always thought it would be easy to rid my life of sadness when the time came for it to be gone. The problem I always glanced past was- What if the very same source of sadness is what also provides the most happiness? How do you know which one outweighs the other? What if neither side bears more than the other? Do you keep both? Do you leave both? 

Its so easy to look through this specific problem during the sad days. When you are at your wits end with life, you are in dire need of something positive to happen or something to light your world on fire. It is so easy to give in to those wants. Its when you get to the edge of that cliff that your mind chimes in saying- "Wait, what about the greatness that lies within this land, let's not forget about that". That's when you have to stop and think about it. That's when the decisions play tug of war with your heart. 

And it hurts. Unbearable pain that I'd wish on no one. No one. 

Dear Daniel

Today-

You've made me feel worthless. Throughout the past few months, I have begun to belittle myself to suffice you and your opinions of how things are supposed to be.

You have made me feel ugly. Inside and out. I- right this very moment, feel ugly. You have given me no other inkling that I should feel otherwise. You have made this extremely clear to me. In your eyes, I am ugly.

You have made me feel unwanted. You have turned your back many times when my back needed yours. You have looked passed my sadness and pretended it didn't exist. You have chosen so many other options before ever thinking of choosing me.

You have made me feel stupid. You have taken my feelings and turned them into mud. You have called me a baby when I was sad. You told me I was a complainer when I felt ill. You  have closed your eyes at the mere thought of having to listen to my "ramble".

You have made me feel unappreciated. You have taken for granted the very things I do to make you happy. You have taken my hand and dropped it when it no longer satisfied your needs in that moment. You have taken from me so much I cannot get back and never once have you said thank you.

You have made me feel hopeless. You have heard my struggles and still continue to bypass them. You have made excuses as to why things will never change. You have told me you cannot help this. You have promised me the world, but I have yet to see this world in which you speak of.

You have made me feel lonely. You have sat beside me unbeknownst to you though...I was beside you. You have turned around when I faced you. You have shown a desire for something great when I was there the whole time.


One day- you will wish that you hadn't made me feel worthless. You will see me shine, but will no longer be in my light.

One day- you will wish you hadn't made me feel ugly. When you are facing this dark and harsh world alone, you will look back and see how beautiful I really am. By then, it will be too late.

One day- you will wish that you hadn't made me feel stupid. There will come a day when you will need my guidance and knowledge. This will have already run out for you.

One day- you will wish that you hadn't made me feel unappreciated. When you are staring at an empty bed at night, you will hurt for me to be there. You will miss me when I am not there.

One day- you will wish that you hadn't made me feel hopeless. When my dreams are coming true and you are only a bystander, you will yearn to be a part of my greatness. I won't be so kind as to share it anymore though.

One day- you will wish that you hadn't made me feel lonely. When you are reaching out for a hand to hold, someone to get you through the day- I will be holding my own hands. I will have no spare hands left for you.