Figuring it out.

What is it about him? No matter what my day brings about, I still find myself pausing, and thinking of nothing but him.

I find myself wanting to call him and tell him about things as soon as they happen. I find myself dialing his number thirty times a day. I find myself stopping myself from being this crazy person.

I find myself saying how much I hate him and miss him. What the ...?

Oh...the way it was so worth it...

Fourteen years ago. Do you remember where you were fourteen years ago? Because I do. Fourteen years ago today, changed my life. It was probably the best day of my whole life. It was the beginning of everything.

Its sad to know now how that day fourteen years ago would make life into this. No regrets though.

Best advice I could give: Take the chance before the chance takes you.

Even that...I dont know if I was the one who took it, or the one who was taken.

My pride will keep me company when you're gone..

I have to submerge myself into everything but you. Please leave my mind...leave my heart...leave my memory.

Thank you.

You're my piece of mind...in the crazy world...

Ninety nine out of a hundred people may dissapoint you. Do not lower you expectations to avoid this. When you find that one person, it makes the rest of it completely worth it.

Your lullabies won't let me sleep...

I find myself smiling for no reason. I find myself daydreaming mid-day. I find myself in complete awe over the smallest things. I find myself unafraid to be okay with how things are. I find myself stuck in thoughts that anyone else would simply overlook. I find myself okay, each day, I'm okay.

Its always a scary thing when you are unsure of how things are going to work out. I guess I am good at doubting life and faith in certain things. I am so quickly to pass judgement on moments that I cannot grasp.

It goes back to the whole- If there isnt anything that can be done about a bad situation, right there, at that time, then theres no sense in worrying over it, no sense in allowing it to get to you, no sense in letting it create sadness for you.

Its amazing what one thing, or even one person could do for another's life. Another's day. Of all that crazy screwed up mess that gets thrown at me...of all the hard and horrible things that happen, its nice to have that something or someone there every now and then that makes you feel better.

They'll try to shake us...they'll try to break us...

I've been a little weird lately. Not myself I'd say. Its kinda strange to see myself leave the everyday normalcy and be open to any and everything. Its definately a big change. Kinda nice, not knowing what the day will bring me.

I gotta not allow myself to get too ahead though. Ive always been on the fence about certain things. I find myself doing things and saying things, that I would have denied ever being capable of doing or saying.

Its almost like each day brings a new me. I dont know how to explain it, but thats sort of what it feels like. I always get so lost within the quiet, lets behave myself cave, that its surprising when I allow myself to just go for it.




Why does this sound more strange than I thought it would???



 
 

What did you think that I was gonna do...?

So, I have decided that the best thing to do is just move on. It drives me crazy day in and day out. But what else is there to do? If I allow it to take hold of me than I leave myself to nothing but craziness. I already have enough of that in my life. The hardest part is having to go my day without it.

Just writing that is making me question whether its the right choice or not. Is it?

I'd swing if you'd hand me...hand me the bat...

I would go to the moon and back for you. I would use every bit of my strength to hold you up when you are falling. I would give up everything i had if it meant you would be safe. I would do anything for you.

 Anything.

I miss you. I wish you were here with me right now. I wish that you were beside me, and that you were okay. I am filled with sadness when you aren't near. Its not normal. Its not okay. I'm not okay. I need my constant back.

Just please be okay. I am a mess without you. I am lost without you.

Whenever you come back...I will be waiting...

Tonight, I needed someone to give me a hug, to tell me that everything will be okay. But I could not for the life of me think of someone for the job. Not one person I was capable of breaking down with. Not one person who I was comfortable opening my emotions to. Not one person I could lean on. Not one person who I could call an actual friend.

Has this cold hearted self of mine really turn into this? Have I shut down so blindly, that I am unable to have the one simple thing that everyone in the entire world should have?

So I am left, amongst only myself, with sadness. Heartbroken that I am unable to care.