Admit no fault, and it will work out.

Hold no guilt, and it will work out.

Stop it.

Gracie

I sometimes catch myself thinking I must be crazy...for not stopping enough throughout my day to enjoy and be grateful for the things I have in my life. Call it greed, or arrogance, or ignorance. It is what it is.

Seems in the moments when I do, I realize how much amazement I have, just sitting there along side of me. She holds so much power over me, and my thoughts, and decisions. She gives me the confidence of knowing that I don't need anyone else in life to make me happy. She gives me the stregnth to get through hard days, knowing that I get to come home to her. She gives me ambition to be better in anything and everything I do. She gives me courage to leave behind the nonsense in my life, to leave space for greatness.

I couldnt imagine my life without her. My little girl. :)

Pins and Needles

Its what I do apparently. I turn wonderful things into horrible things.

Until next time

I should have known. I should have seen that shirt, and knew from the very beginning. I should have known that he would always be this way.

Even now, I am naive to think it would be any different. Each time I feel as though I'd be okay without him, he does or says something amazing, and I love him all over again. Its almost as though I cant help myself. I always thought that in life, you would end up with the person you were meant to be with. Sure, it would take some effort on both parts. Sure, it wouldn't be as easy as snapping a few fingers. It feels like he is being dangled right smack in front of me, and I cannot touch.

Except that I have. I have experienced him. I have laid beside him. I have been in his arms. I have fallen asleep with him. I have felt him breathing on my neck. I have listened to his heartbeat while I lay upon his chest. I have held his hand.

I have fallen so head over heels in love with someone who is unable to admit the same. I don't want to imagine tonight without him, even though he won't be here. I don't want to imagine the morning, without being in his arms. I don't want to imagine that thought that maybe, just maybe, we will never end up with one another.

When he looks at me, his eyes say that he loves me. When he lays beside me, his body tells me it never wants to leave. When his arms are around me, it tells me that he never wants to let go. When we fall asleep together, it tells me he never wants to wake again without me. When I feel his breathing, it tells me I want to be close enough to hear your thoughts. When I listen to his heartbeat, it tells me this is love. When I hold his hand, it tells me he will never let me go.

But when its time to go, and time to wake up from this perfect cluster of moments, it tells me- Until next time.

Everyone lets you down. It's an uncertain aspect of life that we really don't have much of a choice on.

My thoughts? Fuck you.

Basic human contact grounds you. The wonders of the world huh?

Sitting here, at the table. Fighting to get in bed. Unable to move.

It just came to me. As though you came in, kissed my cheek, and left. I got this feeling. Pure anguish. Pure sadness. Still. I'm not used to being so alone. I am not used to being by myself. Its a dangerous place for me. It leaves me vulnerable to my feelings. I can't handle feelings of any kind very well, and this is so heartbreaking for me. I cant deal with it, not alone.

The universe is pulling me in so many different directions, that I have found myself lost.

I stare at your photo. I remember the specific day. I still keep that hat of yours in my top drawer. It helps me to remember moments when I see it. I have been struggling with that lately, and I am surrounded by nothing that helps me.

Pointless

While away, a few weeks ago...I planned on visiting this "new family" of mine. Although it wasnt the ideal time, or surroundings...settings...whatever...I was going to do it. I was going to be bold and get it over with. Little did I know, they werent what I thought they were. What I found out, made me want nothing to do with them. It made me kinda realize that- maybe I didn't miss much?

But then I remember...the impact that someone like myself could have on any one person. Would it have been different if I was included into their lives? Would things be better, worse, the same?

Then I focus to reality, and remember that woulda-coulda-shoulda...is a waste of my time. Right?

One little slip

Confusion will make someone turn someone else's life upside down. Quit it with the confusion, would ya? 

I miss your face. I often wake up to wondering where you are. Do you still look the same? Have we met again? Something like that, you'd think I'd know about, I'd feel, right? Well I'm searching.