I didn't know it would be today

I miss my dad tonight. A few minutes ago, I sat outside on the front steps and spoke to him. I'd give the world if I had it, to hear him speak back. You never really quite know what to say to a loved one when they are dying. You focus so much energy on being there, in their presence, making sure they are okay. Your brain goes into this hole that shows no light. There is no way out because you know what the future for this loved one holds.

When this happens, you lose your ability to think clearly and concisely. You forget the important stuff. The questions you wanted to ask. The advice you will need for later. The memories spoken just once more.

Eventually, you accept it. You do this because you have to, there is no choice in it. Accepting it isn't the same as being okay with it though. It doesn't mean you understand. You have moments throughout your life that you are automatically going to go to that place your loved one once was. The place your routine is used to. Days, weeks, years. It doesn't matter how much time has passed. Your mind will always go to them.

Its in these instances that your heart breaks over and over again. Sometimes to the point of feeling huge weights on your chest, as if you may choke.

Reality...what a terrible thing.

When your little, you always look to your dad. The most important man in your life. You want to make him proud. You want to make him happy. You want him to know he has raised you the right way. You want to show him that you've created greatness from the life he gave to you.

Just because my dad is dead doesn't mean its okay for me to forget this. I still want him to be proud of me. I want to show him I was worth it. That he made a difference.

Then I have days like today.

Today, someone that I love was very mean to me. They called me horrible names. They physically harmed me. They made me feel like I was nothing. They degraded me so low that for a while tonight I didn't think I'd be able to dig out.

While this was happening, I was embarrassed. I embarrassed myself. I allowed the actions of another to control me. I allowed them to pull me down to their level. I allowed this monster to come into my life. I allowed myself to love this person.

Reflecting now, only hours later...I get to thinking...

What would dad think of all of this?

The answer to that question is the answer I needed to remember in order to know where to go from here.

So...here I am, two years, four months, and five days after my dad's death...and he is still there for me. He is still lending me his guidance.

Who would have thought that possible?

My poison...my drug...the man that I love

This guy. Just one look from this guy and I melt. Just his name appearing on my phone, I crumble. He has my heart in the palm of his hands, and he knows it. The problem is...I completely hate him.

Since day one, years ago...hiding in that corner.

Here's my dilemma- I need to rid him from my world. How is that possible when so much love exists between the two of us? Its said, that love isn't so pretty behind closed curtains. In my case, its the complete opposite. Its not so pretty being displayed to the world, but behind closed curtains...its absolutely amazing. Who wants to hide behind those curtains though? Not me.

I never in my life imagined that I would be stuck in a place I am currently stuck in. Growing up, I imagined that I would have this perfect life. Now that I am all grown up, I realize that- that was a bunch of BS. This world places all these visions and dreams into your head when you're young. They call it motivation or hope. Motivation to go after these dreams and hope that these dreams will come true. What I have learned- you have to work your ass off to get anywhere near these silly dreams that were once placed into your head.

Back to this guy now though. I made a promise to myself a while back that I was going to rid my life of him. That I was going to live my life without him. No matter how hard it would be, no matter how sad I would be, no matter how much I missed him. Taking the easy road back to him is much better than living with hard days. Succumbing to him is much better than being sad all the time. Missing him was easier when he was beside me.

I thought it was hard to live my life without him in it. Now...its just hard to get him out of my life. I have to do this now, beings that its inevitable down the line anyways, but how? Its like being addicted to drugs. Addicts always think that you can get away with just one last hit. Until that one last hit is all it took to kill them.

I need to figure this out before it strangles me whole.

We love each other, but since when is love- alone, enough?

To take your breath away

Sometimes, maybe even all the times...you don't know what is going through one's mind at any given moment. Be careful with the words and actions you choose...it may just make or break a person.

Someone once told me the importance of my words. The power that my words hold. The strength that is behind each and every thing I say. 

For they are mine and only mine. No one can take your thoughts away. No one can take your voice from you. 

If one tries, show 'em who is boss. 

Go Home

Snoring and a roaring

 

This was my life. For nine whole months, this was my life. Who was I kidding?

 

I should have taken my own warning from the get go. I should have stuck with the first 30 day challenge. I should have turned around and walked away when I had the chance. I should have deleted that number, erased those pictures, pretended you didn't exist in my world. I should have saved my time for something greater.

 

Thing is though-

 

I didnt want to listen to those warnings. I hated that 30 day challenge. I loved being in your arms, how could I walk away from that? I couldnt delete that number, I memorized it instead. Those pictures- I love every single on of them. You were my world. Those moments I shared with you, were some of the greatest moments of my life.

 

I now find myself in such debate over what to do. Am I supposed to stick around and play this waiting game? Do I move on to something that will make me happy, something that has been staring me in my face this whole time? How do I give up the greatest love of my entire life without a fight? One year ago today, you fought for me- and won. I can feel it slipping away. Slowly, but surely it moves further away than it was yesterday. The question is though- am I up for this fight?

Almost

I miss you. Day in and day out. It's a constant battle that I am having with myself. I am going to get over you. It may take a lifetime, but I will do it. 

How do you get over someone who holds so much power over you? How do you move on from that? How do you give up something that you couldn't imagine living a day without? 

I know how.

You live your life. You force yourself to wake up in the morning. You tell yourself that you can get through today. You tell yourself that everything's going to be fine, that tomorrow will be better. You tell yourself these things because no one else is here to say them for you. For it is with those thoughts- that make it bearable for me to live without you. 

If its broke, just use duct tape?

I get it. I completely get it. I understand immensely. I get the reasons why men and women wouldn't want to date someone that already has children when they don't. I am in complete agreement that it is a personal choice or preference that all should be entitled to. If a woman doesn't want to date someone because the guy has kids with someone else, or vice versa, then to each his own. I understand the baggage and drama, or the misconceptions of the unknown.

What I don't agree with is getting yourself into a situation of dating someone who has kids, for it to only lead no where, because of the very fact stated. If you know from the get go that you don't want to date or see someone with kids, you don't want to start a family with someone who already has a family, then don't. Find someone else. Do not waste that persons time. Do not take that person for granted. Do not back burner someone for the simple fact that at the moment it works.

Do not wait until you are madly in love with one another to decide this. Do not create something so amazing only to force a complete explosion later.

Break his world apart

But how do you forget about the guy who hasn't yet forgotten about you?

I try not to think like this...but over the last few weeks...when I have decisions to be made like this, or advice...I'd think to myself- What would my dad tell me to do?

He would tell me to rid my life of anyone who makes me unhappy. He would tell me to leave behind anyone who makes me feel less than amazing. 

Time to start this walking the walk and talking the talk.

And in the morning...when I rise...

Where do I start? If I could give someone just one piece of advice when it comes to love, it would be- do not get yourself involved into a relationship with an egotistical ass. (obvious...I know)

I find myself feeling stuck right now. I feel as though I cannot walk away, but at the same time- I'm sooooo unhappy. I absolutely love him. I am in love with him. He is someone that I cannot imagine living one day without. But at the very same time- he is a jackass. He doesn't seem to care about the very same things that are so important to me. He seems to take me for granted. He seems like a waste of my time. 

I spent half of my life with a guy who turned out to be someone who disgusts me now. Someone that put me through so much bullshit and nonsense. Before I knew it, 15 years of my life was wasted. 

I don't want to waste any more of my life. I want to be happy. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to feel appreciated and FEEL loved. Its one thing to tell me that you love me. Its a whole other to actually make me feel as though you do. 

I just want someone who is there to tell me that everything is going to be alright. 

Dont talk too fast to me...slow down...I wanna know.

The bravest man I know. The man who put all of his pride and dignity to the side, and kept me for his own. Accepted me into his life as his daughter. I often wonder his thoughts when he looked at me as a baby. Did he regret it, did he regret making this choice? Did he see another man's eyes in mine? Did he feel anger and anguish when he looked at me? Growing up...when I spoke to him...did he disregard me to an extent because I wasn't his...was I not as important as everyone else? 

I remember when I was hospitalized for surgeries...I must have been ten or eleven years old. He brought me this bag full of candy, all of his favorite candies. He told me it was to make me feel better, he told me that everything was going to be okay.

When my daughter died...he was the first one at the front door to find me. He was the one who grieved with me. He was the first one to tell me that everything was going to be okay. He still keeps her photo beside his bed. He sleeps beside her each night...just like me. 

i wonder if I ever made him proud of me. My dad isn't the most outspoken guy in the world. He doesn't talk much. I remember times when he looked at me...as though he wanted to break down and tell me his biggest secret. His biggest heartbreak. But he never spoke. His eyes, beamed into mine, with so much sadness and fear...as if he knew he should tell me these secrets, but didn't want to give me any of the pain that existed inside of him. He didn't want me to have to live with those secrets. 

I have so many unspoken things to say to this man. So many questions for him. Things and questions that will go left unheard. 

Pick me up

Since when did this become a myth? When did it become okay not to have normal standards in today's relationships? At which point to we give up all expectations and settle for nothing?

I am so in love with you, but for your sake- you better not let me forget. 

Until next time

I should have known. I should have seen that shirt, and knew from the very beginning. I should have known that he would always be this way.

Even now, I am naive to think it would be any different. Each time I feel as though I'd be okay without him, he does or says something amazing, and I love him all over again. Its almost as though I cant help myself. I always thought that in life, you would end up with the person you were meant to be with. Sure, it would take some effort on both parts. Sure, it wouldn't be as easy as snapping a few fingers. It feels like he is being dangled right smack in front of me, and I cannot touch.

Except that I have. I have experienced him. I have laid beside him. I have been in his arms. I have fallen asleep with him. I have felt him breathing on my neck. I have listened to his heartbeat while I lay upon his chest. I have held his hand.

I have fallen so head over heels in love with someone who is unable to admit the same. I don't want to imagine tonight without him, even though he won't be here. I don't want to imagine the morning, without being in his arms. I don't want to imagine that thought that maybe, just maybe, we will never end up with one another.

When he looks at me, his eyes say that he loves me. When he lays beside me, his body tells me it never wants to leave. When his arms are around me, it tells me that he never wants to let go. When we fall asleep together, it tells me he never wants to wake again without me. When I feel his breathing, it tells me I want to be close enough to hear your thoughts. When I listen to his heartbeat, it tells me this is love. When I hold his hand, it tells me he will never let me go.

But when its time to go, and time to wake up from this perfect cluster of moments, it tells me- Until next time.

I think I love you too. THINK.

But quit being a punk.

Doesnt matter what happens to them

This makes more sense to me than anything I have read over the past five years. Unbelievable.

Days are gone now..

There are probably a thousand things that one could experience throughout their day, that makes them go absolutely crazy. They may not express this, they may not show it to the world, or let anyone know its happening. But it happens. 

Take "love" as an example. Any given person lives, dies, and kills for it. It makes people crazy. What else in this world, maybe aside from illegal drugs, or mental illnesses that have this effect on someone? No one tells you that a simple act of meeting any one person, could lead to all the silliness, the wild antics...etc...all this stuff that adds up to the simple explanation of love. No one tells you that it makes you go crazy. You would think someone would at least warn you of something that could have such great effect on your life. But yes, I know...nonsense. I"ll go with the reasoning of...everyone has to experience this for themselves. If told...it takes all the fun out of it.

Kinda goes back to the whole- who are you kidding analogy that I have placed inside of my mind...for me and only me.

Funny thing with me...I don't need this kinda nonsense...I'm already crazy.

Its late...and its called rambling.