Do you want to listen to it?

Waiting for someone is hard. Eventually you get to the point of questioning. 

"Is it worth it"? 

At which time is it okay to let go of something you've been committed to for so long? Just when you think you are stuck in the ways of the world that surround you...something great comes along and makes you wonder why you wasted so much time standing on the sides of it. 

I don't know exactly where this will lead me, and I don't know where I want it to go just yet...but I do know that it makes me happy. That's what matters right? 

I've gone through so much nonsense this past year in my life, and I am a thousand times sure that it is not over just yet. With that said...I am ready to be happy again. I am not waiting around. I am not going to be the girl who sits in the corner...full of sadness...waiting for my turn. I will not.

I have to save this

All this time, I had no idea what it was that I was missing. I thought that beings that I was the one playing catch up to the world- that I had to succumb to the fact that I was second best. Little did I know...it only took my not looking and not following...to find where I wanted to be.

This life may not have given me enough good days, and may have dealt me problems that an entire small continent wouldn't be able to handle, but...

I am so thankful for the little bit of good I have in my life. It makes the hard days so much more worth it. It gives me the ambition I need to keep going when I've got nonsense staring me in my face.

On a side note....39 days to go.

Walking the line

There comes a moment in each one's life when the entire space surrounding them becomes quesionable. It's in this moment when you realize that you have wasted so much time and energy on the wrong things.

I found out one week ago that my dad is dying of cancer.  

I remember writing a paper a long time ago...and I may have wrote about this somewhere. The paper was to be written about your biggest fear in life. My biggest fear was- my dad dying before me. The reason was- If I were to die...he would be here to take care of everyone. If he died...who would take care of us all?

Apparently my dad has known that he has had cancer for a little over one year. He hasn't had any treatment as of yet. I did a little research online and I keep coming up with the same information. The survival rate- one year from date of diagnosis. He's going to die.

 I havent spoken to him about it yet, and I'm not sure whether he knows that I know. How do you bring this up in a conversation? I can't think clearly about any of this without completely breaking down, let alone speak about it.

Hello

It feels like I am failing. All around me. Failing.

Everytime it seems as thought things will turn out okay, I get bombarded with something else.

Now I know...I'm not the only one in the world with issues or problems. But- I am the only one in the world that has to live with my own issues and problems. That gives me all right to complain about it.

Will you be my wife?

Darkness follows home the girl

who doesnt know to look behind

shadows hide along beside her

in hopes it- she will not find.

The door opens boldly

as though its been waiting for her

to throw reminders into the air

to show what they once were.

Apprehension?

Now...I already know that I am crazy. I know that there is something mentally wrong with me. If no one had anything wrong with them...everyone would be normal, or perfect. What's the fun in that?

Anyways- I have been experiencing these weird "sightings" lately. Very weird. I haven't been able to chalk it up to any one reason just yet...but I'm still kind of off about what to link it to. 

While driving...I see things that aren't there...or that are there...but in different forms. For instance- a white box truck driving in front of me, I saw it as a white box flipping towards me...came to realize a few seconds later...it was only a white truck driving in front of me. For a moment there- I actually thought this huge white box was rolling towards me. My thoughts for reaction kicked in before my vision clarified what it was seeing. 

Again, (while driving)...I am driving down a back road, surrounded by woods. The tree line up ahead, going around a curve...I thought was the road. My steering turned towards the tree line, not the road. Luckily- it only took about three seconds to correct my judgement of sight...but what could have happened there? 

Lastly- a few mornings ago...I am driving down the road...a blue car is driving in front of me. I look down to grab my drink...and when I looked up- the blue car was speeding towards me...in my lane. I braked really hard, really fast. This only made me look like an ass in front of the cars behind me...because the blue car was still driving like normal in front of me. 

I have read a few books recently over the past couple weeks on the subject of- the brain, and in which way it works. Perceptions, and how they are created through different brain signals. So...maybe my mind is playing tricks on me. Two of these three incidents, I was wearing my prescribed glasses...so I know it wasn't an error in eyesight going on me...or maybe it was?

Throwbackin'

Funny how much my life has changed since these pictures. Who would have thought that the girl's face in these photos would have turned out this way. 

To help us through tomorrow

Things won't change without you. At least not the big important things. Sure, there will be sacrifice, there will be new ways of doing things...but all in all, I have complete confidence- things will be okay. Even when the hope and confidence is not there...you will be the very last to know.



I love you. I love you. I love you.

So...remember that list of regrets? Well I am now able to cross one of them out! Just like I said I would. In the moment of it all, it was amazing. I felt as though- it couldn't get better then this.

And dedicate them all to me...and I will give you all my life...

I have been defeated- I have came to a point in life where I had to give up. I gave up a great part of me. I have had those nights that I cried myself to sleep. I have had the days that I couldn't bear to get out of bed. I have had times that I have hid myself from the world. Mainly because of sadness, or shame, or lack of pride. I have been tossed aside...I have allowed things in my life to get the best of me. It may not have been my greatest lived moments...buts its my life- nonetheless.

I have suffered- I have chosen other's paths instead of my own. I have given many amazing things up for what seems pointless now. I have been second on my priority list. I have back burner-ed my feelings to the point of no forgiveness sometimes. I have gone without happiness to suffice the needs of others. I have known what its like to not matter.

I have known loss- I have had the greatest loss any one human should ever experience. I have had the feeling of numbness. I've been lost in my mind. I have experienced the blankness. The void had grown and made a home inside of my soul. I have grieved for my own created by my own thoughts.

I have built appreciation- For myself...my life...the people I am sharing it with...and the memories I am able to create in the mix. I have learned to accept things I am unable to change and realize that I am surrounded by beauty. I have learned to start my mornings off with staring at the sky...and knowing I am here for reasons.

I have grown sensitivity- I have been able to take my experiences and use them as a cloud to protect judgement...to understand the little things in life...to realize that I am not the only person on earth. I have allowed myself to meet eyes with someone...and to share my thoughts with them...and know that- they aren't all the same. I have given myself the ability to open up...even if I get hurt. No adventure worth while...without a little pain.

Okay....the point????

My point here is- I am an amazing person.

Will you still love me tomorrow?

I very often forget this. No one thinks that...this is it. We are living in our lives...right now...as we speak. We always say- I want to do this in life...I want to be this...I'm waiting for that great opportunity to come along...one day, I'll find someone who will love me...

Well those days may never come. But today- you've got. Take advantage of it. Most won't get too many tomorrows.

Maybeeee....Kindaaaaa....Sortaaaa

I feel like this is the story of my life. Each and everyday...I think to myself...how did I end up here? What brought me to this moment? Never in my mind would I have imagined being here...but for some crazy- who knows reason...I am.

I have lost many things. I have moved on from many people. I have gone in too many directions.

Maybe if I just stand still...be content with all of this...I will end up right where I belong?

"Why wouldn't I want that"?

If i walked away from you today, and stayed away, would you miss me? Would you feel the void? Would there be a void to feel? 

Is there ever a moment when you get the feeling of fear? Fear of losing me? 

I'll add this to the list of unanswered questions that will never get answers. 

The past few days..

These past few days for me...have been a combination of both amazing adventures, and dissapointing findings.

Someone told a story aloud yesterday, that almost brought me to tears. The worse feeling in the world is when you can feel yourself wanting to cry- but you have to hold it back.

Somewhere in the story, it got to the point of explaining how this woman was  giving away her son's clothing. The son had just passed away...and this woman was crying while taking the clothes from off of the hanger.

I remember this feeling. The break down. The pole in the closet four feet from the ground. The space that housed her pretty dresses, and not yet worn outfits. When all was said and done...left empty.

That was probably the first moment I was alone, that I actually felt the reality of it all. She was gone. Her things were gone. No more crying. No more smiles. No more songs.

No more ladybugs. My life as I knew it- was over.




I woke up this morning sad. Given the circumstances and whom I was able to spend my morning with, I should have been the happiest and most content person in the world. But something changed. Magic was lost. Another moment of reality setting in. Staring me in my face.

No more Good nights. My life as I knew it- was over, again.



Its now time to move on. To start from the beginning once again. To build up without giving up. Its going to take a lot of me to get through this. Its going to burn the already burnt out part on me to the point of shutting down.

I once said- I'm not lonely, I'm just alone. That's not really working for me much anymore.

"You're perfect"

I wish that was thought about more often than whats currently going around. Theres a lot of uncertainty at each turn I make. Monster amounts of it. At each stop, there are a lot of different ways to turn...how will I choose???

"It just feels right..."

What am I going to do with him? Life, I couldnt live it without him. I couldnt imagine going to sleep without hearing his voice. Its almost like an addiction we both have for eachother, one that has been continual for a long time now. The only person I feel safe with, which- Ive been told that when you find that safety...you hold onto. Who would of thought the day he let go of that door- that we would be so much a part of one another? The ones to fall together? What fools we both are for not noticing before.

Until I know...I'm just gonna enjoy it, and have a little fun with him.

"It just feels right".

Dirty dishes

So, things may not have turned out much like I had planned...nor has this crazy beautiful path taken me in the direction I was headed...but at the end of the day- I'm still here.

Of all the bad things that have happened to me, all the scary nights I've had, the moments I was at my wits end with life...I have managed to still be here. Best of all, I have done it all by myself.

Life may sometimes knock you down. Time and time again it does this. There are so many lonely nights it dishes out. But each day, the one thing everyone tends to forget- IT GOES ON.

I refuse to let anyone or anything stop me. I will not give up.

Not so easy...

If theres one thing that I am completely horrible at, its forgiving someone. I dont know why, or how I dont possess this ability, or the ability to do it quickly, but I dont.

Nothing wrong with that sometimes, right?

Admit no fault, and it will work out.

Hold no guilt, and it will work out.

Stop it.

Gracie

I sometimes catch myself thinking I must be crazy...for not stopping enough throughout my day to enjoy and be grateful for the things I have in my life. Call it greed, or arrogance, or ignorance. It is what it is.

Seems in the moments when I do, I realize how much amazement I have, just sitting there along side of me. She holds so much power over me, and my thoughts, and decisions. She gives me the confidence of knowing that I don't need anyone else in life to make me happy. She gives me the stregnth to get through hard days, knowing that I get to come home to her. She gives me ambition to be better in anything and everything I do. She gives me courage to leave behind the nonsense in my life, to leave space for greatness.

I couldnt imagine my life without her. My little girl. :)

Pins and Needles

Its what I do apparently. I turn wonderful things into horrible things.

Until next time

I should have known. I should have seen that shirt, and knew from the very beginning. I should have known that he would always be this way.

Even now, I am naive to think it would be any different. Each time I feel as though I'd be okay without him, he does or says something amazing, and I love him all over again. Its almost as though I cant help myself. I always thought that in life, you would end up with the person you were meant to be with. Sure, it would take some effort on both parts. Sure, it wouldn't be as easy as snapping a few fingers. It feels like he is being dangled right smack in front of me, and I cannot touch.

Except that I have. I have experienced him. I have laid beside him. I have been in his arms. I have fallen asleep with him. I have felt him breathing on my neck. I have listened to his heartbeat while I lay upon his chest. I have held his hand.

I have fallen so head over heels in love with someone who is unable to admit the same. I don't want to imagine tonight without him, even though he won't be here. I don't want to imagine the morning, without being in his arms. I don't want to imagine that thought that maybe, just maybe, we will never end up with one another.

When he looks at me, his eyes say that he loves me. When he lays beside me, his body tells me it never wants to leave. When his arms are around me, it tells me that he never wants to let go. When we fall asleep together, it tells me he never wants to wake again without me. When I feel his breathing, it tells me I want to be close enough to hear your thoughts. When I listen to his heartbeat, it tells me this is love. When I hold his hand, it tells me he will never let me go.

But when its time to go, and time to wake up from this perfect cluster of moments, it tells me- Until next time.

Everyone lets you down. It's an uncertain aspect of life that we really don't have much of a choice on.

My thoughts? Fuck you.

Basic human contact grounds you. The wonders of the world huh?

Sitting here, at the table. Fighting to get in bed. Unable to move.

It just came to me. As though you came in, kissed my cheek, and left. I got this feeling. Pure anguish. Pure sadness. Still. I'm not used to being so alone. I am not used to being by myself. Its a dangerous place for me. It leaves me vulnerable to my feelings. I can't handle feelings of any kind very well, and this is so heartbreaking for me. I cant deal with it, not alone.

The universe is pulling me in so many different directions, that I have found myself lost.

I stare at your photo. I remember the specific day. I still keep that hat of yours in my top drawer. It helps me to remember moments when I see it. I have been struggling with that lately, and I am surrounded by nothing that helps me.

Pointless

While away, a few weeks ago...I planned on visiting this "new family" of mine. Although it wasnt the ideal time, or surroundings...settings...whatever...I was going to do it. I was going to be bold and get it over with. Little did I know, they werent what I thought they were. What I found out, made me want nothing to do with them. It made me kinda realize that- maybe I didn't miss much?

But then I remember...the impact that someone like myself could have on any one person. Would it have been different if I was included into their lives? Would things be better, worse, the same?

Then I focus to reality, and remember that woulda-coulda-shoulda...is a waste of my time. Right?

One little slip

Confusion will make someone turn someone else's life upside down. Quit it with the confusion, would ya? 

I miss your face. I often wake up to wondering where you are. Do you still look the same? Have we met again? Something like that, you'd think I'd know about, I'd feel, right? Well I'm searching.

Screwed

Do I stick with it or move on? Do I continue to be patient with my days, or discontinue this waiting game? Do I allow myself to feel like less of a person to appease someone else's time, or go forward with my own? Do I keep letting others create who I am,  or do I forgive, forget, and do whats best for me?

Is this life's punishment to me? Is it catching me up for everything I missed out on growing up?

No one warns you that things like this could happen, and even though I warned myself- I wasn't listening.

Bada Bingggg

Ughh!!! I wanna kill him and kiss him at the same time! Just not in the creepy kinda way...

Sunshine

Sometimes...you've got to dance with the tigers..

So heres the thing...I put myself out there, time and time again. Unknowingly of course. And stupid me thought it was normal to put forth so much with no return. Mistakes learned from poor decision making seem to be my forte. Not anymore.

GONE

Just when I think I've got it under control, things completely get away from me. Its exhausting to try and catch everything all at once. Doesn't mean I have to give up right?

These last few months have been hard for me. It seems I am slowly losing details of some of the most precious things I have always held onto. This step to grief is not forewarned in any book, or any list. When I lost her, I must have read a hundred books of grieving, and how to deal with it. Mainly because I wanted to make sure that what I was feeling, was normal. To know that someone else in this world had the same feelings was almost comforting to me. This- what I am feeling lately, was never mentioned.

Seems I think of something new each day that I question. How did we spend Valentines Day? What color was her very first outfit she wore? What kind of shoes did she wear? Did she ever wear shoes? How many baths did she have? What did her hair smell like? Did she sleep through the night when she was first born? How many times did she laugh? What was her favorite thing to see?

This list could go on for hours.

Its hard to not have a grasp on something so important. It leaves me struggling to find answers. It leaves me angry with myself for not remembering.

Right before she passed away, I took one of my computers into a repair shop. Something about the sound card wasn't working. I don't remember that either...but anyways, this computer- it had pictures of her on there. It had some sort of voice recordings of my son playing with her, it had "memories" of her on it. Anyways, in the mix of everything that happened, I forgot about the computer. I forgot that I had dropped it off. It must have been two months before I remembered that I had dropped it off. I remember I was packing her things. Her tiny, new things. Then it came to me. I immediately jumped up off of the floor. I was already a mess as it was. I panicked. I jumped in my car and drove to the computer repair shop. When I got there, I ran in frantic. Tears streaming from my eyes.

It was gone.

The woman told me that when repairs aren't picked up in thirty days, they get destroyed.

GONE.

I was beside myself. I must have sat there, in front of the shop for maybe two hours. Sitting there on the sidewalk. It was gone. She was gone. Everything was gone. 

My point in mentioning this is that the only thing I have left to go on is memory. It scares the hell out of me when I am unable to recollect those thoughts.  

Ava

I had this strange and scary dream a few nights ago. Normally, a few moments after waking up, I forget about my dreams, or I dont put too much thought into them. This one, I cant stop thinking about.

I was in some sort of field, there were squares of crates filled with hay. Not sure what this place was. In my dream, I get some sort of feeling about Ava. I go straight to my sister, and yell- Where is she? Where is she? What kind of mother are you! Find her now! Why aren't you looking???  In my head, I already knew she was gone somehow. Like I accepted it and was righteous about the fact that Ava was gone. In the dream- I was right. I found her. She lay there in the crate. Breathless. I immediately jump back, and cry. Then I wake up. Kind of..I was still asleep, but my thoughts were still asleep. I frantically thought- Where is Ciara....where is she. Then someone (I dont know who) gave me the look of sadness. I went directly into grief mode. As though- she had already been gone, and I lost her all over again. I woke up from that unsure of where I was. It took me a few moments to recollect things.

So...I woke up for real this time...finally...when I realized it was just a dream...my initial feeling was- wow...thank you...I am so grateful to have her. I walked into Ciara's bedroom and held her so tight. She woke up and said to me- Good morning mommy. I love you.

I am not sure what any of this has to do with anything. I do know that it isnt normal for me to be dreaming about children dying. I really hope this dream wasn't an indication of anything. It was so clear and vivid.

Hard to love

This is what I do. I push away those that love me.

For one specific...

HAD TO DELETE.

I'm too miserable for my own good. When I feel I have no options, five different ones get thrown in my face. None of which are ones I want. I guess I should succumb to the fact that I'm better off the way I am. At least for now. No expectations equal no feelings hurt. I'm so much smarter than that.

Why won't he just admit it?

I think I saw you yesterday. Was it you?

My regrets

1. Not staying awake all night on 4/16/05.
2. Disassociating myself with my best friend when he may have needed me the most.
3. Not telling the greatest love of my life that I love him.
4. Allowing disaster to enter my home.
5. Not sticking up for myself when I knew I should have.
6. Forgiving someone I shouldn't have forgiven the first time.
7. Allowing myself to be part of a relationship that could break an entire family apart.
8. Letting you leave that morning.
9. Not following someone when they asked me to.
10. Leaving you before giving you a chance.
11. Not having the guts to call you.
12. Hating you.
13. Punking out when I shouldve dove in.
14. Not getting on a plane to Arizona to see you.
15. Letting you slip away.
16. Loving you when I knew better.
17.
18.
19.
20.

Obviously this list could go on and on and on. At the time when I made these choices, I thought they were what's best. Life sucks are teaching us lessons that we don't want to learn. It will pull you in and shred you to pieces if you let it. Regrets of mine, are only experiences that I hope I have gained something from.

There is one thing on that list above that I plan to remove from the list. Can you guess which one?

Turner

I frequently allow myself to think of you. I find myself throughout my day, wondering- "What if"..."Is he okay"... Its hard to live with the reality of knowing you left behind some of the greatest people in the world. Some of the most caring, loving, and open people of your past. When all is said and done, they were left there for a reason, right?

At the mercy of...

MY OWN STUBBORNESS. One day I am good, the next, beside myself, then good again. Talk about some kinda psycho craziness going on up there for me. I dont know how anyone in their right mind is able to deal with me and my crazy. I guess thats why everyone keeps me at arms length. Even the ones I am closest to. If I was placed into their shoes, I wouldn't get too close to someone like me either. How sad is that?

5/22

Afternoon thought- I wonder if we had the same hands. I wish I was home right now to find a picture of her hands. I've been racking my brain today to try and remember what they looked like. It's slipping away slowly and that scares the hell out of me.

I won't stumble, for I've got no place to fall :)

The surprises demised by others are the ones you fear the most.

I have to say...he drives me crazy!

Pretty Lashes

Well, today wasn't really what I thought it would be. These last few weeks haven't been what I thought they'd be. Its really disappointing when I think about it. I do that often. I have a tendency to set expectations of myself and others that don't normally pan out like I picture them to.  I spend the majority of my time working. I dont spend enough time with my children as I'd like. I miss them always.  Look at my "relationship" life. We arent even gonna talk about current here...I was with one person for what seems to be my entire life. This person is not around anymore. Regardless of the reasons as to why, its still a life changing result. When I got over my initial sadness and fear...I thought- Wow, now this is going to be my time. My time to have fun and finally enjoy myself and life in general. I wont have anyone holding me down. No one that I have to take into account when making decisions. Independence. Independence sounds amazing, huh? Didn't quite work out that way.  I quickly realized that life gets hard. Nights get scary.  Its definitely not all its cracked up to be.  Here I am now...on my own. I spend very little time on the things I enjoy. I rarely have any fun. My days have turned into monotonous moments that come and go, over and over again. I frequently feel like I have no grasp on anything in my life.  As a person, I have always been strong. I have always been one that felt I didnt need anyone. But if this was the case...why do I feel this way now?

At least I have long pretty eye lashes to cover my eyes!