Little boy blue

There is a story that was told...about a prince, fleeing from revolutionaries determined to kill him and take away his throne. The prince, terrified, sought shelter in a peasant's cottage.

Although the peasant had no idea the frightened man was a member of nobility he gave the prince refuge by telling him to hide under the bed. The prince had no sooner done so when his pursuers battered down the door and began to search the cottage.

The revolutionaries searched everywhere. When they came to the bed they decided to prod it with knives rather than move the cumbersome piece of furniture. At last they left.

The prince, pale but alive, crawled from under the bed after hearing the pursuers depart. He turned to the peasant then and said, "I think you should understand that you have just saved the life of your prince. Name three favors and I will grant them".

The peasant, a simple man, thought for a while and said: "My cottage is in disrepair and I have not had the money to fix it. Can this be done?"

"Fool!" cried the prince. "Of all the things in the world, why did you ask so small a favor? I will honor your wish, but what is your next request?"

"Sire, my neighbor sells the same wares as me in the marketplace. Would it be possible to change his location so both of us could make a better livelihood?"

"Idiot" said the prince. "Of course I will do as you wish. What foolishness, when you could have riches, to ask such nonsense! Take care that you do not anger me with another silly request."

No longer able to restrain his curiosity, the peasant said, "As my third request I ask only that you tell me how you felt as the knives were being pushed through the bed."

The prince, infuriated, shouted, "How dare you offend majesty by asking of my emotions? For this act I will have you beheaded tomorrow!"

The prince called in a few of his retainers and had the hapless man carried off to jail. All through the night the man wept for his folly and feared what would happen the next day. When the sun rose his jailers came to him and led him into a courtyard where an executioner with his black hood stood awaiting for the terrified man.

Forced to kneel on the block he heard a soldier call "One, two..." but before he could say three, another soldier on horseback came tearing into the courtyard calling "Stop! The prince commands it." With those words the executioner, whose blade had been resting on the peasant's neck, withdrew the sword. The shaking man arose and faced the soldier who had saved his life.

"His Highness gives you his pardon and orders me to give you this note," said the soldier. The peasant, relieved to the point of tears, began to read the few terse words:

"As your final favor you wanted to know how I felt under that bed when the revolutionaries came. I have granted your request because now you know!"

The prince had shown the peasant more graphically then words could possibly have done just what the horrendous ordeal had been like. The prince, no fool, had realized that some things are beyond describing. No matter how eloquent the words, their impact can fall flat when not accompanied by the similar experience.

My point in sharing this story- No one can quite know exactly what it feels like...the feeling of anguish and grief.

The way you are handling it

This is something to be said about almost anyone you meet and give your time too. Time is the most uncommon commodity you may come across in your life, and when you share it with others...you connect. 

My problem is...my time is so important to me, that when I allow myself to share it with someone, I am invested. I often times get no return on this. But at least I put myself out there and tried, right? 

Its said that there is a soul mate our there for everyone. I wrote somewhere that no one ever ends up with their soul mate because by the time they find them, its already too late. Heres the thing though- I think I may have found mine, but I am just not sure I am agreeing with the one picked out for me. Is that horrible of me to say? I blame it on the unfairness of the world choosing for you. 

Through the eyes- my eyes, are your eyes.

Every once in a while...it peeks through the curtains. It shadows itself right smack in front of me. Although its never REALLY gone...its easier to pretend that it is. 

I miss her so much. Easter is coming up in just one week. I'm seeing those baskets and candy in the aisles at the markets. I am watching mothers and children awe at the sign of the chocolate shaped bunnies. All I see is anguish when I look that way. I see reminders of that horrible day. I see reminders that I will never see her again. I see my life's greatest loss flash in front of me like spot lights glimmering on my face...blinding me. 

I used to take her into the bathroom with me when I would take showers. I was afraid to leave her side. I wanted her to be near me, I needed her to be near me. I would place her in her car seat, and put her in the doorway, so I could see her through the curtain.

 I cannot remember her cry. I cannot remember what it sounded like. I search my mind day in and day out for memories that are slowly slipping away. Its said- that it gets easier as time passes. That- you eventually dont feel the pain so much. I guess this was originally said when people began to forget the horrible things that had happened. Those who have succumb to the idea that its okay now. I cannot accept that. Not for the life of me, can I accept it. 

Pick me up

Since when did this become a myth? When did it become okay not to have normal standards in today's relationships? At which point to we give up all expectations and settle for nothing?

I am so in love with you, but for your sake- you better not let me forget. 

I am filled with anger over this. I've lost a lot in my life. Probably more than anyone person should have to live with losing.

Even though it wasn't you that I lost,  because I did in fact walk away- I lost every little girl's fantasy. I lost the magical fairy tale that lives inside each mind. The one that everyone waits their entire life for. 

I've lost all hope surrounding this, because I now know that fairy tales were simply a lie told by the world to make this crazy screwed up place seem more bearable to live in. 

Hey

:)

I woke up today, not knowing where the day was taking me. I'm still without that info right now!!

Some familar road

Well if I have ever doubted that karma exists...I was fucking wrong. My god, I was wrong.

Some may call it GOD doing these things, as its an easy blame or explanation for them, but I don't buy that. Its the consequence of doing wrong to make yourself "happy"...which in turn, bites you in the you know what.

Every decision I have made in the past two months, has been the wrong decision. I didn't know it at the time of course, but it was.  I am now finding myself in an all too familiar spot. A place of pure unhappiness. I have gotten EVERYTHING that I wanted. All the things I wished and hoped for, I have now. Problem is- it's not all it was cracked up to be. Yes, its what I wanted, but its not what I expected.

I find myself miserable, and wanting to find an easy out. Seems I have been doing this "outting" a lot lately. Maybe its the "new me". Who knows.

Maybe all these things I had wished for-for so long, i have gotten so I can experience them, so it won't be added to my list of- woulda, coulda, shoulda. I am so naive to think I have a choice to get back what I had before. How do I get myself into these situations?????

Cuz if we lived a long time ago...

Indeed it is. 

It seems I am always telling myself...let's, but never going through with it. Seems what I have been missing was...that I've got to let go of something, to make room for something else. Its so difficult to cut ties with a normal part of your life. Its only when that normalcy falls into the category of unhappiness that you know what what must be done. Only problem? Its so hard to let go. The build up of strength and courage to leave it takes so much out of me. Call it what you want to...but its hard. 

You're good?

Childhood memories are put away
Set before us as a tease
Wishing to have moments back
Hoping to come and go as you please.

Shames are boxed away
Hiding from all others
Erased of all pieces from the past
Children held far from their mothers.

The houses of our younger age
Are now the home to our foes
Flashed right before us are the times
The sadness comes and goes.