Dont talk too fast to me...slow down...I wanna know.

The bravest man I know. The man who put all of his pride and dignity to the side, and kept me for his own. Accepted me into his life as his daughter. I often wonder his thoughts when he looked at me as a baby. Did he regret it, did he regret making this choice? Did he see another man's eyes in mine? Did he feel anger and anguish when he looked at me? Growing up...when I spoke to him...did he disregard me to an extent because I wasn't his...was I not as important as everyone else? 

I remember when I was hospitalized for surgeries...I must have been ten or eleven years old. He brought me this bag full of candy, all of his favorite candies. He told me it was to make me feel better, he told me that everything was going to be okay.

When my daughter died...he was the first one at the front door to find me. He was the one who grieved with me. He was the first one to tell me that everything was going to be okay. He still keeps her photo beside his bed. He sleeps beside her each night...just like me. 

i wonder if I ever made him proud of me. My dad isn't the most outspoken guy in the world. He doesn't talk much. I remember times when he looked at me...as though he wanted to break down and tell me his biggest secret. His biggest heartbreak. But he never spoke. His eyes, beamed into mine, with so much sadness and fear...as if he knew he should tell me these secrets, but didn't want to give me any of the pain that existed inside of him. He didn't want me to have to live with those secrets. 

I have so many unspoken things to say to this man. So many questions for him. Things and questions that will go left unheard. 

I used to call you my everything

I find myself wondering...what if things turned out differently. What if I stuck around for just one more hurdle. Where would I be at now? Would I have so many issues and problems going on...or would todays problems be replaced with new problems that included you?

When thoughts like this come to my brain...it is only at times when my mind is weak. When I feel like giving up. I have spent so much of my time and effort trying to make this work. Trying to do this on my own. I may have had some regrets in there...but they are my regrets. Not shared with anyone. Not someone else's burdens placed upon my shoulders. 

I have so many amazing and happy memories with you. Its hard to regret something that gave me so much at the time giving was happening. So..now...my only regret...is letting myself stay as long as I did. Allowing myself to endure your nonsense. I dont know where my life is going to go from here, but I do know...that I am not going to give up. 

Oh...noooo....promises.

Wow...how true this is. I am dangerous when I am alone. Dangerous meaning- in my mind. My whole life I have never had to experience this. Except when I was younger, of course...when I didnt know any better. 

But now...I have to say that as much talk that I talk about not getting lonely...I do. It it so hard to get over it when the feeling comes along. I remember reading and listening to people bitch and complain about their own lonliness, and think to myself- what the fuck is wrong with people...theres millions and millions of people on this earth...go find someone to make you not so lonely, and quit bitching about it. 

But I've turned into one of those people. maybe not so much publicly...simply because my pride will not allow for that...but what the..?

Another lesson I am in the process of learning. To be my own company. 

Did I wanna be where you are?

If there is a GOD in this world, he sure is trying his best to teach me so many lessons. When I fail at something, or I realize that I have made a mistake in decision making...the light bulb comes on...says...I should have seen this coming, I should of known it was going to happen, I should have knew better. 

So why cant this mind of mine be able to predict these things ahead of time? How come I cannot stop myself before its too late?? It feels as though these are lessons I've once learned, that I am learning again, but this time...its almost insulting to myself that I have to go through it all over again. 

What is my problem?

I want to wish myself out of this situation. I'd like to wake up being ten years old again. That's the last time my eyes saw innocence in this world.