People can be real assholes. You can catch someone doing wrong things, almost every time, if you get them at the right time. Supposed to be surprising? Well its not. There wasnt even guilt in his eyes.

So, yesterday was fathers day. I worked, of course. I am so glad I didnt let it get to me. My dad is my dad. Nothing will change that, and it doesnt matter who this other guy is, I refuse to let it get to me. So I spent my night last night trying to find the perfect fathers day gift for my dad. Me and Ciara went out looking. If it were up to her, he would've gotten a box of juice, and some lolli pops. But after the third place, I found the perfect gift. It was a book, a music/lyric book of Neil Young. My dad loves Neil Young. He also loves playing his guitars. So I gave it to him last night, with the most simple and to the point card I could find. He loved it. He stayed up all night playing those songs from this book. My dad is the best. I could have never asked for a better one. I have had so many good memories with my dad. I know it hasnt always been easy for him, or even for me, but its always worked itself out. He doesnt ask for much. With having so many siblings, I'm sure it made it hard for him. With the exception of a few occasions, which I am 50% sure, could be all in my head..he has never really taken sides with us. He hasnt been the perfect dad, and I am sure that there were times where he couldve been better, but he is great. I see so many screwed up kids nowadays, without a dad. Most of which long to have one. Would, in a heart beat trade places to grow up in a family, and full and rounded family. This family I have, theres nothing special about it. Theres nothing outstanding, or wonderful about it. Its mine, its what I have to work with. My dad, is the seed of this family. Without him, half of us would not be where we are today. And me without him, I wouldnt HAVE this family. As much as I hate it sometimes, or complain about it, I will be forever grateful to him for my life. He has set the example that every guy I meet will have to be compared to. So good luck to every one of ya!!

"it just feels right"

What am I going to do with him? Life, I couldnt live it without him. I couldnt imagine going to sleep without hearing his voice. Its almost like an addiction we both have for eachother, one that has been continual for a long time now. The only person I feel safe with, which- Ive been told that when you find that safety...you hold onto. Who would of thought the day he let go of that door- that we would be so much a part of one another? The ones to fall together? What fools we both are for not noticing before.


Until I know...I'm just gonna enjoy it, and have a little fun with him.

"It just feels right".



Morning thought..we let things go so much more often than we know. Its unbelievable. When it gets to the point that you are done caring enough to notice, what is that saying? Are you supposed to leave it be and keep going with your life. Like it never happened, like the moments were never here. What does that say about yourself??

Nicholas

My son, Nicholas, will be attending his last day of elementary school tomorrow. I remember the day I took him to his first day of kindergarten. OMG. I cried, and cried some more. He was growing up. I didn't want the rest of the world to share in him. I wanted him for myself. He was my heart, in its entire form. I must have fought myself three times not to just pick him up and walk away, hoping no one would notice that we were there in the first place. I wanted just one more day of him being my baby boy. It was hard. He kept saying, "its going to be so much fun", "I'm gonna be a really good boy today mom", "You dont have to worry". Maybe he could tell I was upset. I dont know how anyone could've not been able to tell. It was that bad. So after the initial upset, I eventually let him go. He waved goodbye to me. He was now part of his OWN new world. He may have even been a little embarassed then by me hugging and kissing him goodbye. So I go home, unsure of how to spend my day without him. I go into his bedroom. Cried some more. I stare at the clock. I spent my day waiting for it to be time to pick him up. I left the house an hour and a half before it was actually time for him to be finished his school day. I drive to that school, and wait outside the whole time. I wait for my boy. I was so proud of him that day. As upset as I was, it was a good day. I realized he was ok. He was able to do this. I prepared him enough to get through this. I was the one who wasn't prepared. BUT, he is now going into Middle School. He will be in a new place, new people, new teachers. Older Kids. Strangers. I am so scared for him. Or maybe for me? He seems to be excited about it. His last day in elementary is tomorrow. So I will be going there, to his school, to wait for my little boy on his very last day there. I will be the proudest mom out there waiting for their child. I will cry, I will get upset, and I am sure I will be completely embarrassing to him, but, its okay. I don't care. My boy is growing up. My once, little precious baby boy. All grown up. :(

Morning thought..How is the person who i am sharing my life with, not even say good morning, or even goodbye to me this morning? I dont get it. Has it just become so normal to him that he doesnt see or care anymore? At least I got a good morning from someone today. And a not too bad someone at that. If i werent such a nice person, ppls would be in trouble...its due time to just say screw it anyways. There comes a time when u get this feeling, and u just know its done. That its not the same. That even if u wanted it back, or to be normal again, it would be impossible. Well I've been there for a while now. Its sad, and its dissapointing. But it is what it is.

Here i am. Sitting out front of my brothers house at eleven at night. Headlights beaming into every one of his neighbors windows. Apparently I'm trying to save his daughter from another night in hell. Wish me luck! Im definately gonna need it. Drugs are for scumbags.

DNA CAN KISS MY YOU KNOW WHAT

So, its been almost a year since I found out where I came from. Or, maybe I should say WHO I came from? I found out on myspace that my dad I've had my whole life, really isn't my dad.
(On fucking MYSPACE)I mean, of course he is my "dad", but he isn't my "biological" dad. With that news, I got 4 more sisters, and a brother, with already having 5 siblings before all of this...it became a lot to deal with. It still seems like a big secret to me, even now. No one will talk to me about it. No one will explain things to me. No one will give me any sort of understanding about anything. It makes it hard. Very hard. It seems like something you go on a talk show to figure out. That would probably be my ONLY way to find anything out. I don't know, its hard, and at the same time very invigorating. I've always had the sense of something missing. I just never knew what. I always called myself on it, and made those thoughts go away. But apparently I may not be so crazy after all. It's so easy to put on a pretty face and not deal with it. But is that what I'm supposed to do? Everyone tells me different things. This guy, who is my "biological" dad, hasnt even contacted me. I've never met him. I've never heard his voice. I don't know anything about him. Its been 26 years and nothing from him. So am I supposed to leave things be, or am I supposed to NOT fall into his footsteps of being a COWARD? Either way, I'm pretty sure one of us, or maybe even both of us, lose. It just seems so unfair. Why would he tell his children about me? Why let them look for me? Why let them find me? How is that fair? How could he not have enough man inside of him to contact me himself? Why wouldn't he just keep it to himself. He did it for 26 years. Why now? It seems like I'm supposed to ignore all of this? I'm supposed to go on with my normal life, and not think of this? I am no coward. I lost even ounce of cowardness I had a long time ago. Now, if only my head and my heart could agree on things for once. It would make my life a whole hell of a lot easier.

Soul Mates

No one ever ends up with their REAL soulmate. The reason? Well a friend once told it to me like this:

By the time you actually find your real soul mate, its too late. Your whole life is already planned out.

Something to think about...or perhaps there is more than one soul mate for each person? Not likely. People tend to just settle. Therefore, never knowing.

Lazy Sundays

So, its sunday. afternoonish by now. I just woke up about an hour ago. I must have a thousand things to get done today. Being its a hard to get day off of work. My daughters birthday is in 5 days. I havent even started to plan anything?!? Shes going to be three years old. My son has a field trip tomorrow, which I cant go to, because I have to work, and the school reschedule it for a different day then the original date. I have an entire house to clean up. I am not even dressed yet. I have to go shopping, and do laundry. I have to pull this pot plant that mysteriously just popped up in the cracks of my driveway. (omg). I have to do those and lots more that I dont even want to mention...depresssssing. But, its MY day OFF. Therefore, I will be going to get coffee, and relaxing, and I'm not doing any of those thousands of things. At least not today. Sometimes you just have to say screw it. :)

Morning thought..i have a brother, who is a complete stranger to me. Ive always been close to my brothers. Sisters fight, argue, and are normally too cool to acknowledge one another. But brothers, they are there. They dont care if you have more clothes then them. They dont care if you are prettier then them. They are just there. So this stranger brother of mine, his name is James. Ive never met him. But one day, i'm hoping to! Gotta hope right?

What If

What happens if it comes out
and everyone around you knows
what happens if your that careless
and nothing but your mistake shows?

If you could have helped it
would you prevent it all
if you could have stopped it
would you have made that call?

What happens when you hurt someone
without intent of care
what happens if these instincts were right
but you didnt mention or share?

If you could go back
would you change anything
if you could make it better
would you just do nothing?

What happens when it blows up
and everything goes wrong
what happens when your all alone
but you still have to stand strong?

Theres No Crying In Baseball!!!

So, the day is just about over. My son had his championship baseball game today. They lost. They lost big time. But the team did great. Those poor boys. These parents and coaches drive those boys to do more than they can handle. They take it way too serious, and it sucks for those kids. I'm glad I'm not one of those parents. We went out and celebrated a good season. Even though he was still upset of course, its just a game. But theres no crying in baseball apparently? Or thats what they say...

Well its midday, nothing accomplished yet, and a zillion things to do. However...i am having a pretty good day so far. With the exception of being let down once today. Give it some time right?

Morning thought...how can you hate someone, and at the very same time, love them. What it is inside of someone that gives out such mixed feelings and thoughts. Is it possible to hate someone, and at the same time, be IN love with someone?

Morning thought..i never got to spend a rainy june day with her. I never got to spend any june day with her for that matter. I now realize that all the signs were right there in my face. Its the shame in itself, that it took me so long to notice, that kills me. Not a day goes by that i dont think about her.

So the flyers just lost. Sad night for philly...we still have the phils though! I stayed up late for nadda. Gotta work in a few hours, so its bedtime. More 2 come!

Blank

You distract me with your being
You catch me with your eyes
You take me through these moments
I end up with goodbyes.

You alarm me each morning
You push until its done
You brighten up my day
I end up having fun.

You torture me with words
You hang on every time
You refresh me with your soul
I end up being fine.

You sicken me with madness
You empower me with heart
You are my forbidden answer
I end up falling apart.

And its driving me insane!! :)

How do i get myself into these kind of situations? I sometimes forget to think before i do things. It always screws me in the end!

Its only 8:40 am, and ive already slammed two doors, yelled a little, and spilled coffee on my foot. Its going to be a wonderful day!

what a day! lots of nice surprises, and i may have even surprised myself there for a bit...?

Kayla

I miss my angel,

so pure and full of heart.

I miss myself before this,

before life was so apart.

I miss the times we shared,

so hard to recollect.

I miss my soul before this,

before all of this neglect.

I miss the newness,

so full of beauty and hope.

I miss the path I was on,

before I learned how to cope.

I miss the sounds of laughter,

so warming and so true.

I miss the sunshine of my life,

all wrapped up inside you.

my profile picture

So my profile picture...my hands are in there somewhere. It is actually my hand, and the hands of four of my sisters. Three of which are "new" sisters of mine. This picture means more to me than I could ever explain on some blog. There arent words in my head or on this page that could ever explain how important this picture is. Certain people will come into your life and without a cause or warning, they will totally and completely blow you away. These are my people. Secretly, of course. Each one of them, new or old, has taken a small piece of my heart and made a home there. For someone like me, it is very hard to let people in. I am a closed off person. It is rare to find someone or something that makes me unwrap my blanket of insecurities, and perceptions. I won't do this for just anyone. For me to come out of my safe and comfort zone, it means that I am allowing my self to be human. To be vulnerable to the outside world. It was one of the best nights, and probably ONE of the most life-changing moments I'll ever experience.

UNWILLING

YOUR SHADOW WALKS BEHIND YOU
UNSURE OF WHERE TO TURN
YOUR DEPTH ON YOUR PERCEPTION

HAS VERY MUCH TO LEARN.

UNWILLING IS YOUR SOUL
OF PREPARING TO MOVE ON
RIGHT BEFORE YOUR EYES
EVERYTHING IS GONE.

SO HARD TO KEEP CONTROL
EVEN MORE SO TO SET IN
NOT FOCUSED ON YOURSELF
THEREFORE NO WHERE TO BEGIN.