Theres a lot of craziness in the air today...and I'm pretty sure that I am breathing in an awful lot. Good luck to anyone and everyone that comes in my direction today.

Say what you will

I dont recognize myself sometimes. I can't stand having time on my hands. I blow up at little things. I'm aware that I sometimes hurt people. I don't enjoy anything to the extent that I used to. I am confident. I prefer everything be low-key. I feel guilt and grief each and everyday. I am more independent than any one person should be. I get angry at the smallest things. I don't take criticism well. I blame myself for things that arent my fault. I seperate myself from things that make me uncomfortable. I am smart, both good and bad. I see things all around me in squares. I unknowingly create trouble everywhere. I respect only those who deserve it. I demand more from myself than I should. I don't believe in God. I dont trust easily. I dont have one person who I tell everything to. I don't believe in luck.

I am angry at the entire world. I miss my daughter. I see her face everywhere. I hear her cry at night. I feel her next to me. I despise people that tell me to get over it.

I go into ignore mode when someone tells me things will be okay. I am content with what I have because I am unwilling to take on more right now. Sometimes it feels like everything surrounding me is circling me.



Different ages, different stages, different issues, the same pain.

Sometimes...nowhere can seem like home.

With the push of one button...just one button...I'm all better.

Makes ya think about when the only buttons u had were on your clothes. What has this world come to?

"We spend hours apart and only moments together...but those moments are far greater than life itself"

Its morning...and I dont want to go to work...but I have to.

I had a dream last night...I was waiting on a set of stairs. It seemed like I waited for hours. I mustve been waiting for someone good right? Who would I be waiting that long for though? And who is dumb enough to keep me waiting?

I got a card from my "dad". I dont know how long it was here. I just pulled it out from the box. It was a mothers day card. Kinda gave me the wtf attitude. Just when I was beginning to not think about it. I hope he doesnt expect a happy fathers day card, cuz it wont happen.

I had an okay day. I spent most of my day hanging out with Ciara. She woke me up this morning saying...Come on, wake up, its a girls day. OMG. Shes gotta be the best little girl in the whole world. I know most would say that about their child...but this girl...its amazing.

I have lots of work to do. Its been building up for me over the past couple days. I did no work today. I'm probably gonna regret that tomorrow, but it was well worth it today. What I am going to do?

I'm gonna leave it at.......WHATEVER.

BT-Gnite!

Two weeks.

In the beginning, thats what I gave myself. Two weeks. I kept myself at arms length of anything that mattered, and everything that didnt matter. I was in the middle of all of it, for two weeks. Or so I thought.

Its been a long time now. I am still this way. If that isnt crazy, I dont know what is.

I guess its not something that is meant to be forgotten. Not even when u are dead tired at 2:23 in the morning.

If u wanna win big...u gotta go all in. What the fuck are u waiting for?

How do u trust your feelings when they can disappear so easily?

How many times must a talk be had before it gets to the point of no concern. How many lines does one walk in before the lines end? All up in the air. Hmm..

I think im just about done wasting my time on that one. Nice try. What's better is that im not as blind as i may seem. Better luck elsewhere.

You know that look of loss you can see when you look at someone. The one they get when things just dont seem to have much of a meaning to them anymore. Things that maybe meant something to them before. Even a big good something. I saw that look in someone today. It probably didnt have much of a meaning to me, and probably wasnt my business, but when u look like that, and u put a look like that out there, its fair game for all to see. Making it my business.

Sadness.

The whole day through

I had a pretty nice day today. I was able to actually relax and forget about the world for a while. Everyone needs days like this. I'm sure I missed out on lots, but so what. Everyone that wasnt with me missed out on lots too. It was just a missed out good day.

Its really late. I slept lots today, and of course, I cannot fall asleep now. I hate night time. It opens up time, quiet time. Quiet time leads to thinking. Thinking leads to madness. Madness leads to pretty much anything and everything else.

I tried to finish my letter to "my new dad". I wrote one sentence, and closed the page. It feels useless to me. Why am I supposed to be sharing my time on this person. I lived for 26 years without him sharing his time with me. Is that not supposed to matter? Am I supposed to forget about that? Of course when I decide to not do this, and get myself thinking...I get nonsense put into my head. It makes me sad. I get sad a lot. It comes and goes. Only for a few seconds here and there. But it comes.

I wouldnt be me if that didnt happen. Tonight was weird though. There wasnt one thing specific that brought this. Normally, I see something, or think of a moment, or hear something that reminds me of her. Not this time. It was almost like a presence. Even right now, I feel it. Like, if I were to look up, I would see her. Staring back at me. I wont look up though. Because if I look up and she isnt there, it will be a sad dissapointment. Is that me just being selfish?

Little Elegy

Withouten you
No rose can grow;
No leaf be green
If never seen
Your sweetest face;
No bird have grace
Or power to sing,
Or anything
Be kind, or fair,
And you nowhere.

--Elinor Wylie

Dress laid out...for morning ease
Window open...for winters breeze

Perfection around...for all to see
Dreams happening...for whats to be

Images staring...for mind to set
Morning comes...for life to forget

I had the best night tonight. Me and Ciara had our very own girl's night out. I miss her so much. I hate that I dont have more time for that. She is my pretty, beautiful baby girl. So much like me, its almost unreal. Time flies by without notice. Dont forget to stop and enjoy it every now and again.