You try to fit people into your life...and sometimes they just werent meant to be put there. Its when u stop to wait for signs that you notice the puzzle wasnt put together correctly from the beginning. So you are now left with a bunch of nonsense, laid across the table, just waiting for its place.

What's the point of giving someone a second chance if u didn't want them to begin with? Or maybe u did want them at the beginning but cannot for the life of u, remember why.

Ive been your best kept secret.

I dont like making big important decisions. Sure, when it comes to anything but, I have no question. I'm good at making those kind of decisions without second guessing. When it comes to ones like this, life changing, life altering ones, its hard.

Can someone else make these for me?

Stand up to a giant...say that i'm a fighter...too drunk to remember...

Bearings...I've got to get them back. 

Its so easy to forget about whats important, especially, when whats not so important makes for a better time.

Time for bed.

It was the only place I'd ever known.

The things you see...


I'd rather spend the rest of my life by myself than to share it with someone who doesnt deserve it. I will not stand for second best. I will not lower my expectations to meet someone else's standards. Its just not going to happen.


When you're little, you create happiness. As you grow, you dream of happiness. When you're old, you've forgotten about happiness.


Its a shame that people so seldom hold true to their own self worth. When I see this happening around me, knowing I can only control my own, it saddens me. You go into life with nothing, you struggle to build yourself, you learn lessons, you learn to put that pretty smile on, and you learn to accept change. But, if you miss one of those steps, it leads to your highs and lows becoming someone else's desperate chase. Allowing someone to take advantage of something that will effect you or the way the outcome of your life happens...it can only lead to one path...the foolish one.

Things won't change without you

If it was the intent, to hurt me, you are kidding yourself. For the things I have stuck around for, the things I have watched happen, the things you allowed to go on, you've got to be joking. No one gets that many chances.

When you're stuck in a position that you, yourself come to the belief of- this is how it is, and how its always going to be- than its due time to break away. Whats the point of anything when your outlook is this? What kind of days do you have to look forward to?

I blame myself of course. What the fuck was I thinking? I was the one to make that choice each and every time to stay. I was the one who walked away a hundred times, only to end up turning around.

I'm done. I have been done for a long time now.

"I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see."

-John Burroughs

Here we go again. Right back where we begun. Time to cut the line. Im officially done. My way, or no way.

I feel shook. I dunno whats going on lately, but somethings going. Out with the old...and NO i dont want no new. I am content with what i have. Dont ruin it.

Miranda + Jean + Grace = the best person in the world.


Enough said.

How can one person...be the one who makes me crazy, makes me smile, makes me sad, makes me think, makes me angry, then makes me crazy again.

Why do I let this one person be this person to me?

I am not the type to allow someone to be in my life like this. I have never had that role open for anyone, so I'm not sure why it is now. I know its definately not normal, but its something that I dont think needs questioning. Or does it?

Just not sure where it leads, and I dont deal well with uncertainty. Maybe thats what I need, a little uncertainty. Who knows.

Hold on tight, and don't let go.......

Things slip away...so fast. Don't take things for granted. It will be that one moment...when you need it the most, that you realize its gone.


My smile shows a shadow
My eyes hide the signs
My thoughts fool perception
Exposing what it finds.

I seen myself in a stranger's face today. It was like seeing a ghost. 

I just finished having the worst phone call, or pretty damn close to the worst phone call...ever.

My dad is sick. Apparently has been so for a while now. I dont know whats going on. Someone slipped up, accidentally, and thats how I found out. Screwed up isnt is? My family tends to want to protect me. I guess they think I would be sad, or angry, or not me. Who wouldnt be though? It makes me hate people.

I remember writing this paper for a class I had a few years back. We had to write about our biggest fear in life. I wrote that my biggest fear woud be my dad dying before me. The reason...Because if i died first...i knew my dad would be there, to take care of everyone, to take care of everything. But if he were to die first, who would take care of all of us?

I seen my dad cry for the first time, on my front porch, five years ago. His look was completely filled with sorrow and sadness, but he walked up to me, hugged me, wiped my tears away, and told me I would be okay.

 I was the one who woke up to find my daughter not breathing. I was the one who gave CPR to her for fifteen minutes. I was the one to call 911. I was the one to wipe blood off from around her mouth and face. I was the one to leave my lifeless daughter lie there to move my son away into a different room, so he didnt see anything. I was the one who had to make phone calls to my parents, to tell them to come quick, and was not able to tell them why. I was the one who had to speak to police, and detectives, and corriners, on Easter Sunday. I was the one who watched a police officer pour my son cereal to keep him distracted. I was the one who walked with the medical examiner and staged her one and only baby doll in the places my daughter had been laying down in over the past few weeks. I watched as they took pictures of her things, her bed, her clothes. her everything. I was the one who watched as they took her body and placed it into the back of a black SUV, along with her things. All of this, I did, by myself, with no one there but me and my little boy. I did all of this, without shedding one tear. Until I walked out my front door and seen my dad.

What would I do without my dad?

When the medical examiner called me to tell me the cause of death two days later...he said it was something that would not have been curable, if known about prior. She had a hole in her heart. It bled out into her lungs while she was asleep that night, which caused her to stop breathing. She had already been gone for three hours before I found her. My dad took me outside, sat on the bench with me, for what seemed to be five hours, and just sat there. Complete silence. When everyone else was afraid to come close to me, or didnt know what to say, or wanted to give me my space. My dad sat there with me.

i had a pretty half okay day today. lots of "ays" in there...i know..

anyways (another), i have been a little "not so down" lately. at least not today. its been nice not being blinded at every which way. its refreshing to know that i could have a hundred things to worry about and still get through my day on a good note. i definitely cant promise what tomorrows got for me, but i can leave the days mess on the table, and clean in up in the morning. leaving myself to actually enjoy silence.

ive been thinking a lot about my brother James lately. i spend so much time with my "regular" brothers, that i almost feel bad not being able to share that with him. i know there's no reason to feel this way, and i may be completely stupid to think like this, but i miss him. how can you miss someone you don't even know?

i still have not wrote jimmy back. i came across one of his letters today, and of course, i glance through it. it makes me sad, but whats to be expected? being sad is ok sometimes...remember?

People get so accustomed to the way things are, that the desire to change things become almost obsolete. They are so used to whats going on in that wrapped up world that they forget there is more out there. They close themselves off, and almost are embarrassed by change. Its sad, it really is sad.

The things you miss when you aren't looking. Its unbelievable. Whats worse...is that you knew you weren't looking...but you let them in anyways.

And you never even turned your head.

I have always tried not to judge until I knew what it was that I was judging. Thing is though, with limited information, and a completely closed off person, it leaves me no choice. I am not patient. I did try to be, and I've been pretty damn good at it. Its hard to believe.

If I dont get consistency, or even honesty? (who knows)...then you dont get me.

I think very highly of myself. If your opinion or respect for me isnt as high as mine, then you dont deserve to have any part of me or my life. Simple as that.

It feels as though my time is being wasted.