I'm old fashion

I fight myself every second of the day because of you. You are in my thoughts, every single one of them. 

I have loved you since the very first day I met you. I fell in love with you in the middle of that parking lot,  as you walked me to my car. It was there that we had our first kiss. I could tell by the look in your eyes that you had fallen just as much as me that night. 

I might live the rest of my life missing you. I might love you until the day I die. 

I fight the urge to call you each day. When something happens in my day, or someone makes me angry, or when I have some big accomplishment that I just want to brag about- those are the moments that I want to share with you, that I have always shared with only you. You were my person. In my heart, you'll always be my person. I have given up not only the person I am completely in love with, but also- my very best friend. 

But here's the thing...

I don't know how yet, but I will learn to live without you. I will learn to wake up without you being there. I will forget the sound of your voice. I will forget the way I fit so perfectly in your arms. I will move past this sadness. I will move past my longing to be close to you. I will get over you. I will forget your name. 

Like it or not, I will move on. 

I just gained an entire year of my life back

I argue with this thought each day. I try to get along with destiny. I try to agree with fate. But sometimes, it's so hard to put your beliefs and faith into something that isn't a guarantee. I'm not the girl who waits around for her chance to come along. I don't have patience for that, or for anything. 

So, the question is this- should I learn to be patient or say to hell with destiny? They both screw you one way or another anyways, don't they? 

You let yourself down

This girl misses her dad. She misses the security of having him in her world. Nothing seems right to her anymore. 

She cries for him. She longs for his company. She dreams of him. 

She doesn't show this to the world. She's too strong for that. She stays in tact so she won't seem scared without him. 

She just misses her dad. That's all. 

I didn't want to have your number. I didn't want your number because I didn't want to have the urge to call you.

Why did you call me?

My New Years resolution- to be good, and do good. 

Wish me luck, I'm going to need it!! 

I might love you my entire life, but I will move on..

I wish I could wake up from this madness. Maybe if I just pretend it doesn't exist, it will get the point? 

Almost

I miss you. Day in and day out. It's a constant battle that I am having with myself. I am going to get over you. It may take a lifetime, but I will do it. 

How do you get over someone who holds so much power over you? How do you move on from that? How do you give up something that you couldn't imagine living a day without? 

I know how.

You live your life. You force yourself to wake up in the morning. You tell yourself that you can get through today. You tell yourself that everything's going to be fine, that tomorrow will be better. You tell yourself these things because no one else is here to say them for you. For it is with those thoughts- that make it bearable for me to live without you. 

Well Hello there Mr. J. Daniels!

My number six. Horrible isn't is??

I missed this question! How was I supposed to know the the answer for- the best a man can get??? I chose a woman. Because...well come on now. 

I've shared some good memories with this one. For some unknown reason it seems as though I'm missing out on something now that I have distance myself from it. It feels like it's going to turn out to be one of those thoughts...years from now- that I wished I wouldn't have given up. 

The world tells you that you've got to give up some good to make room for some great. Let's hope I gave up the right kinda good. I'll wait patiently for my greatness. 

A fat man's escape

Who knew that something as silly as a bowl of ice cream could make your whole day better? 

I miss far too many people each day. I feel an emptiness inside of me where these people used to exist. Ice cream always makes me feel better! 

As long as my pants still fit me, I think I'll be just fine, right? 

Just so you know-

These posts are just a collection of nonsense that builds in my brain. My way of dealing with things and figuring things out is to put them down in black and white. They aren't meant for many people to read. They aren't meant for anyone to read actually.

But- if you've decided to read them, you are not allowed to criticize or think anything different because of them. 

The come back kid

This is what I feel like right about now. Broken, missing pieces, parts of me falling apart and going in their own direction. No chance of recollection on how it all fits back together. 

My entire life, I have always had someone to run back to, when I needed reassurance. I've always had that corner to back into that fixed me, and pushed me out when I was all better. Ready to fight again. 

I find myself at a time in my life when there are no corners. There are no safety nets. There is no where to escape to. 

What's a girl to do?

I don't know how to exist in a world that my dad doesn't...

What I would give to have just one more day with my dad. One more night sitting at the kitchen table, just being goofy. One more evening listening to him play that guitar. One more Colorado story. I'd give my whole world. 

Everyday is scary to go into now. I find myself just wanting my dad. I catch myself thinking about what I wished I could have said to him. Giving him just one more hug. Brushing my face against his. 

I find myself at a complete loss day in and day out, and wanting nothing but to be able to sit with him for a few minutes. Even in complete silence. Knowing that he was around, made me feel safe. It gave me courage to fail. It gave me appreciation for the little things. 

I'm left thinking...

What would my dad think of this? 

Would he approve of what I am doing with my life? 

What would dad say about this? 

What would dad tell me to do? 

...and I'm left with no choice but to miss the most silliest things...guitars, bottle caps, flannel shirts, banjos, straw hats, and the sound of the harmonica playing. 

If its broke, just use duct tape?

I get it. I completely get it. I understand immensely. I get the reasons why men and women wouldn't want to date someone that already has children when they don't. I am in complete agreement that it is a personal choice or preference that all should be entitled to. If a woman doesn't want to date someone because the guy has kids with someone else, or vice versa, then to each his own. I understand the baggage and drama, or the misconceptions of the unknown.

What I don't agree with is getting yourself into a situation of dating someone who has kids, for it to only lead no where, because of the very fact stated. If you know from the get go that you don't want to date or see someone with kids, you don't want to start a family with someone who already has a family, then don't. Find someone else. Do not waste that persons time. Do not take that person for granted. Do not back burner someone for the simple fact that at the moment it works.

Do not wait until you are madly in love with one another to decide this. Do not create something so amazing only to force a complete explosion later.

I'm drinking sparkling water test

I'd say hes sad.

His dad left him for a very long time. 

His dads in a hotel meeting with some other lady that's not his mom. 

He told the kid hes going on vacation and never came back.

Its 10:56 at night. His dad left at 8:00.

Hes waiting for his dad.

He's humble.

If ever in my life I needed guidance, it's right now. I need ambition to do better, and to be better. I need confidence and assurance that things will all work out.

I miss my dad. If he were here, he would sit with me and tell me that everything's gonna be okay.

I want the person who sticks up for me, who makes me laugh, who makes me safe. I want the constant who loves me, who shares secrets with me, who holds me higher than anything else. Someone who will see my face when I am sad and remind me of the reasons why I should be happy. Someone who holds my hand and walks with me, regardless of who is watching. A best friend, a partner in crime. That's what I want.

I wish I didn't love you as much as I do. I wish you didn't allow yourself to be so much a part of my life. I wish you would have stayed away when I left the first time. Funny thing is, I wished for you and only you before.

It's scary to think that my only option here is to leave you. I wonder if you'll miss me once I'm gone.

Without you, my whole world feels empty.

Meanwhile...at home...

But what if you want a man who is a wild beast...WITH ethics? :)

Break his world apart

But how do you forget about the guy who hasn't yet forgotten about you?

I try not to think like this...but over the last few weeks...when I have decisions to be made like this, or advice...I'd think to myself- What would my dad tell me to do?

He would tell me to rid my life of anyone who makes me unhappy. He would tell me to leave behind anyone who makes me feel less than amazing. 

Time to start this walking the walk and talking the talk.

And in the morning...when I rise...

Where do I start? If I could give someone just one piece of advice when it comes to love, it would be- do not get yourself involved into a relationship with an egotistical ass. (obvious...I know)

I find myself feeling stuck right now. I feel as though I cannot walk away, but at the same time- I'm sooooo unhappy. I absolutely love him. I am in love with him. He is someone that I cannot imagine living one day without. But at the very same time- he is a jackass. He doesn't seem to care about the very same things that are so important to me. He seems to take me for granted. He seems like a waste of my time. 

I spent half of my life with a guy who turned out to be someone who disgusts me now. Someone that put me through so much bullshit and nonsense. Before I knew it, 15 years of my life was wasted. 

I don't want to waste any more of my life. I want to be happy. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to feel appreciated and FEEL loved. Its one thing to tell me that you love me. Its a whole other to actually make me feel as though you do. 

I just want someone who is there to tell me that everything is going to be alright. 

Please don't bury me....down in...

He's gone. The first man I looked up at when I was born. The first man I depended on. The first man I looked up to. The first man I loved. My dad is gone.

My greatest hero. Gone.

The feeling I have inside of me is unimaginable. The sadness is hidden, but its there. It feels that I have yet to grieve for him. Its been 15 days since he died. I still envision him being there at the kitchen table when I walk into his house. I keep thinking of things I want to tell him about. I keep remembering times we had. I search around me for clues from him. Pieces of him. Anything. But I get nothing.

Its hard to believe that he is gone. Its hard to believe that I will never see him again.

No more late night music sessions. No more 15 mph drives. No more Colorado stories. No more Johnny Rotten.

Dont talk too fast to me...slow down...I wanna know.

The bravest man I know. The man who put all of his pride and dignity to the side, and kept me for his own. Accepted me into his life as his daughter. I often wonder his thoughts when he looked at me as a baby. Did he regret it, did he regret making this choice? Did he see another man's eyes in mine? Did he feel anger and anguish when he looked at me? Growing up...when I spoke to him...did he disregard me to an extent because I wasn't his...was I not as important as everyone else? 

I remember when I was hospitalized for surgeries...I must have been ten or eleven years old. He brought me this bag full of candy, all of his favorite candies. He told me it was to make me feel better, he told me that everything was going to be okay.

When my daughter died...he was the first one at the front door to find me. He was the one who grieved with me. He was the first one to tell me that everything was going to be okay. He still keeps her photo beside his bed. He sleeps beside her each night...just like me. 

i wonder if I ever made him proud of me. My dad isn't the most outspoken guy in the world. He doesn't talk much. I remember times when he looked at me...as though he wanted to break down and tell me his biggest secret. His biggest heartbreak. But he never spoke. His eyes, beamed into mine, with so much sadness and fear...as if he knew he should tell me these secrets, but didn't want to give me any of the pain that existed inside of him. He didn't want me to have to live with those secrets. 

I have so many unspoken things to say to this man. So many questions for him. Things and questions that will go left unheard. 

I used to call you my everything

I find myself wondering...what if things turned out differently. What if I stuck around for just one more hurdle. Where would I be at now? Would I have so many issues and problems going on...or would todays problems be replaced with new problems that included you?

When thoughts like this come to my brain...it is only at times when my mind is weak. When I feel like giving up. I have spent so much of my time and effort trying to make this work. Trying to do this on my own. I may have had some regrets in there...but they are my regrets. Not shared with anyone. Not someone else's burdens placed upon my shoulders. 

I have so many amazing and happy memories with you. Its hard to regret something that gave me so much at the time giving was happening. So..now...my only regret...is letting myself stay as long as I did. Allowing myself to endure your nonsense. I dont know where my life is going to go from here, but I do know...that I am not going to give up. 

Oh...noooo....promises.

Wow...how true this is. I am dangerous when I am alone. Dangerous meaning- in my mind. My whole life I have never had to experience this. Except when I was younger, of course...when I didnt know any better. 

But now...I have to say that as much talk that I talk about not getting lonely...I do. It it so hard to get over it when the feeling comes along. I remember reading and listening to people bitch and complain about their own lonliness, and think to myself- what the fuck is wrong with people...theres millions and millions of people on this earth...go find someone to make you not so lonely, and quit bitching about it. 

But I've turned into one of those people. maybe not so much publicly...simply because my pride will not allow for that...but what the..?

Another lesson I am in the process of learning. To be my own company. 

Did I wanna be where you are?

If there is a GOD in this world, he sure is trying his best to teach me so many lessons. When I fail at something, or I realize that I have made a mistake in decision making...the light bulb comes on...says...I should have seen this coming, I should of known it was going to happen, I should have knew better. 

So why cant this mind of mine be able to predict these things ahead of time? How come I cannot stop myself before its too late?? It feels as though these are lessons I've once learned, that I am learning again, but this time...its almost insulting to myself that I have to go through it all over again. 

What is my problem?

I want to wish myself out of this situation. I'd like to wake up being ten years old again. That's the last time my eyes saw innocence in this world.

Little boy blue

There is a story that was told...about a prince, fleeing from revolutionaries determined to kill him and take away his throne. The prince, terrified, sought shelter in a peasant's cottage.

Although the peasant had no idea the frightened man was a member of nobility he gave the prince refuge by telling him to hide under the bed. The prince had no sooner done so when his pursuers battered down the door and began to search the cottage.

The revolutionaries searched everywhere. When they came to the bed they decided to prod it with knives rather than move the cumbersome piece of furniture. At last they left.

The prince, pale but alive, crawled from under the bed after hearing the pursuers depart. He turned to the peasant then and said, "I think you should understand that you have just saved the life of your prince. Name three favors and I will grant them".

The peasant, a simple man, thought for a while and said: "My cottage is in disrepair and I have not had the money to fix it. Can this be done?"

"Fool!" cried the prince. "Of all the things in the world, why did you ask so small a favor? I will honor your wish, but what is your next request?"

"Sire, my neighbor sells the same wares as me in the marketplace. Would it be possible to change his location so both of us could make a better livelihood?"

"Idiot" said the prince. "Of course I will do as you wish. What foolishness, when you could have riches, to ask such nonsense! Take care that you do not anger me with another silly request."

No longer able to restrain his curiosity, the peasant said, "As my third request I ask only that you tell me how you felt as the knives were being pushed through the bed."

The prince, infuriated, shouted, "How dare you offend majesty by asking of my emotions? For this act I will have you beheaded tomorrow!"

The prince called in a few of his retainers and had the hapless man carried off to jail. All through the night the man wept for his folly and feared what would happen the next day. When the sun rose his jailers came to him and led him into a courtyard where an executioner with his black hood stood awaiting for the terrified man.

Forced to kneel on the block he heard a soldier call "One, two..." but before he could say three, another soldier on horseback came tearing into the courtyard calling "Stop! The prince commands it." With those words the executioner, whose blade had been resting on the peasant's neck, withdrew the sword. The shaking man arose and faced the soldier who had saved his life.

"His Highness gives you his pardon and orders me to give you this note," said the soldier. The peasant, relieved to the point of tears, began to read the few terse words:

"As your final favor you wanted to know how I felt under that bed when the revolutionaries came. I have granted your request because now you know!"

The prince had shown the peasant more graphically then words could possibly have done just what the horrendous ordeal had been like. The prince, no fool, had realized that some things are beyond describing. No matter how eloquent the words, their impact can fall flat when not accompanied by the similar experience.

My point in sharing this story- No one can quite know exactly what it feels like...the feeling of anguish and grief.

The way you are handling it

This is something to be said about almost anyone you meet and give your time too. Time is the most uncommon commodity you may come across in your life, and when you share it with others...you connect. 

My problem is...my time is so important to me, that when I allow myself to share it with someone, I am invested. I often times get no return on this. But at least I put myself out there and tried, right? 

Its said that there is a soul mate our there for everyone. I wrote somewhere that no one ever ends up with their soul mate because by the time they find them, its already too late. Heres the thing though- I think I may have found mine, but I am just not sure I am agreeing with the one picked out for me. Is that horrible of me to say? I blame it on the unfairness of the world choosing for you. 

Through the eyes- my eyes, are your eyes.

Every once in a while...it peeks through the curtains. It shadows itself right smack in front of me. Although its never REALLY gone...its easier to pretend that it is. 

I miss her so much. Easter is coming up in just one week. I'm seeing those baskets and candy in the aisles at the markets. I am watching mothers and children awe at the sign of the chocolate shaped bunnies. All I see is anguish when I look that way. I see reminders of that horrible day. I see reminders that I will never see her again. I see my life's greatest loss flash in front of me like spot lights glimmering on my face...blinding me. 

I used to take her into the bathroom with me when I would take showers. I was afraid to leave her side. I wanted her to be near me, I needed her to be near me. I would place her in her car seat, and put her in the doorway, so I could see her through the curtain.

 I cannot remember her cry. I cannot remember what it sounded like. I search my mind day in and day out for memories that are slowly slipping away. Its said- that it gets easier as time passes. That- you eventually dont feel the pain so much. I guess this was originally said when people began to forget the horrible things that had happened. Those who have succumb to the idea that its okay now. I cannot accept that. Not for the life of me, can I accept it. 

Pick me up

Since when did this become a myth? When did it become okay not to have normal standards in today's relationships? At which point to we give up all expectations and settle for nothing?

I am so in love with you, but for your sake- you better not let me forget. 

I am filled with anger over this. I've lost a lot in my life. Probably more than anyone person should have to live with losing.

Even though it wasn't you that I lost,  because I did in fact walk away- I lost every little girl's fantasy. I lost the magical fairy tale that lives inside each mind. The one that everyone waits their entire life for. 

I've lost all hope surrounding this, because I now know that fairy tales were simply a lie told by the world to make this crazy screwed up place seem more bearable to live in. 

Hey

:)

I woke up today, not knowing where the day was taking me. I'm still without that info right now!!

Some familar road

Well if I have ever doubted that karma exists...I was fucking wrong. My god, I was wrong.

Some may call it GOD doing these things, as its an easy blame or explanation for them, but I don't buy that. Its the consequence of doing wrong to make yourself "happy"...which in turn, bites you in the you know what.

Every decision I have made in the past two months, has been the wrong decision. I didn't know it at the time of course, but it was.  I am now finding myself in an all too familiar spot. A place of pure unhappiness. I have gotten EVERYTHING that I wanted. All the things I wished and hoped for, I have now. Problem is- it's not all it was cracked up to be. Yes, its what I wanted, but its not what I expected.

I find myself miserable, and wanting to find an easy out. Seems I have been doing this "outting" a lot lately. Maybe its the "new me". Who knows.

Maybe all these things I had wished for-for so long, i have gotten so I can experience them, so it won't be added to my list of- woulda, coulda, shoulda. I am so naive to think I have a choice to get back what I had before. How do I get myself into these situations?????

Cuz if we lived a long time ago...

Indeed it is. 

It seems I am always telling myself...let's, but never going through with it. Seems what I have been missing was...that I've got to let go of something, to make room for something else. Its so difficult to cut ties with a normal part of your life. Its only when that normalcy falls into the category of unhappiness that you know what what must be done. Only problem? Its so hard to let go. The build up of strength and courage to leave it takes so much out of me. Call it what you want to...but its hard. 

You're good?

Childhood memories are put away
Set before us as a tease
Wishing to have moments back
Hoping to come and go as you please.

Shames are boxed away
Hiding from all others
Erased of all pieces from the past
Children held far from their mothers.

The houses of our younger age
Are now the home to our foes
Flashed right before us are the times
The sadness comes and goes.

I don't want you to save my life. I want you to WANT to save my life.

I question those I decide to keep in my life each day. I often wonder if I made the right choices. There's really no way to tell whether the decision made was the correct one, until it all plays out. When the chapter ends.

Steinbeck says- "A guy needs somebody - to be near him. A guy goes nuts if he ain't got nobody. Don't make no difference who the guy is, long's he's with you. I tell ya, I tell ya a guy gets too lonely an' he gets sick."

Same thing goes for everyone in this world, or so we're told.

Love missed hate

This is one of those moments in life that I realize now...changed me forever. I still have not been able to determine whether it was a good change, or bad. All change is supposed to be good for you though, right? 

What I do know- I have fallen so completely, madly, and unintentionally in love with you. 

There have been a million moments I have experienced since I've met you that I wished you away. I wished you out of my mind. I wished not to miss you. I wished that you wouldn't leave. I wished that you would share the same feelings. I wished that you'd forget my name. I wished to forgive you. I wished to know your thoughts. I wished you dead. I wished I didn't hate you. I wished I wasn't so wrapped around thoughts of you. I wished I didn't give great things up for you. I wished for you.

I found myself at a point in which I had to give you up. You left me no choice. I knew that you loved me. I knew that you couldn't imagine life without me. I knew I had to move on. It was probably the hardest thing, the hardest choice that I have made in a very long time. I missed you like crazy. I missed your voice. I missed your laugh. I missed your face. I missed you singing to me. I missed you telling me bedtime stories. I missed you yelling at me. I missed chasing you. I missed your eyes staring into mine. I missed hearing your heartbeat. I missed the best part of my days. I missed everything. I missed the love of my life. 

You waited forty days to tell me that you are in love with me. Forty. I still cannot believe you allowed me to be so stubborn for forty days. I asked myself a question a while back about whether you would miss me if I was gone. I was a hundred percent positive that I would never get that answered. One hundred. But I did. I hate the fact that it took me leaving for you to realize this. I hate that I had to cut you off for you to learn how to share those feelings. I hate that you waited until the most inopportune time to jump into the game. I hate that I am still so much in love with you today, as ever, that I was unable to be mad at you. I hate that each day, I want nothing but to be with you. I hate that this crazy life I am living had to go forty days without you. I hate that I have no idea where this love of ours will take us. I hate that you were so stubborn before. I hate you. 

But at the very same time, I am so in love with you. 

Let's go to bed.

In our minds, we create this box. Within this box stands all of those thoughts that you wouldn't dare share with anyone. In this box are memories, fears, experiences, regrets, shame, dissapointments. These- not so few items are your secrets, and yours alone. You learn to make room for this box. You learn to live with its contents, eventually. This box does not contain your finest moments, but they are yours nonetheless. Every so often...this box somehow breaks open and releases emotion and anguish, clarity and resentment. You learn to live with this huge burden that has made itself a home inside.

I guess what I am trying to find here, writing this, is some sort of way to feel okay with storing this box. Mine has to be so full, I can't imagine how it stays closed all the time.

Taking me back

I've got you babe..

So, I can honestly say that I am still right where I started. I am right back into the spot I stood long ago. I am still faced with nonsense that I swore I'd be long gone from. I am still surrounded by those I said I'd leave behind. I am still running in circles day in and day out, wondering what the fuck I am doing with my life. What am I doing?

If you would have asked me five years ago where I'd be today, no way I would have guessed this. I've always heard life works out like this, but didn't really think that to be true.What was I thinking? It's like when your mother tells you not to touch the stove because its hot...then you place your hand nearby to feel the heat. Sometimes you just can't help yourself huh?

Well today, I find myself just as lost, holding just as much sadness as before, but completely in love.

The biggest problem? I constantly ask myself- am I doing the right thing? I was always so confident in my choices,and so brave with the turnouts. Where did I go wrong? I was for sure this was what I wanted. How did I get here? I thought I chose my own path. Is the choice I just made going to be the greatest mistake and regret of my life? It absolutely is.