That you can’t even be there when I get there

He’s losing it. He doesn’t even know it but he’s losing it.

It’s like when the keys are half way out of your pocket and you’re unaware. Seeing the keys just hanging there, but unable to say- Hey man, your keys are falling out. Somewhere throughout the day- keys are dropped. Unbeknownst where, leaving a mess of a time trying to find them. Backtracking your every move. Realizing how much you should have just ensured they were secure. Dealing with the aftermath of replacing locks, getting new keys. The price you pay for simply losing one set of keys.

I feel it. I see it. I know it. It’s familiar to me. It’s what happens.

I’ve tried talking and pointing out the obvious signs. I’ve realized though- the signs weren’t pointing towards him. They were directed at me. I’m the one losing the keys here. Losing keys is hard.

Don’t pry your crying eyes

The last few days my life has been demoralized by two words. Don’t pry. What does this even mean? Where does the line exist? Where does the rights or acceptable begin and end? I just don’t know. 

I struggle with this. Never in my entire life have I had someone say this to me. Not once. I don’t get it. I also don’t understand why this world keeps backing me up into these corners. I feel like the dog who is being yelled at for peeing on the carpet. The dog doesn’t understand why he wasn’t allowed to pee on the carpet. So there he is, backed into a corner with his face down, being pointed at and told to stop. The dog may even be punished by having his faced smudged into said pee. To teach him it was the wrong thing to do. 

Let’s rewind. I didn’t pee on any carpets. 

I didn’t realize that a simple- “Are you okay” was considering prying. I didn’t know that being concern was equal to peeing on the carpets. 

My Life

See you when I see you

You need to stop pointing fingers. You need to get over things. You need to have respect. You need to learn to just let go. You need to stop. You make me so angry. You’re pushing me away. I don’t feel alone. The long drives help to clear my mind. I said I was sorry. I didnt mean the things I said. I want to be with you. I want us to be a family. You don’t listen. You’re not a listener. You never stop. Just leave me alone. I can’t talk to you. Talking to you is like talking to a broken record. There you go with your stupid clichés. You don’t make sense. This is why I get so angry. I want us to be together. Im fed up. I can’t be caged. You make me not want to try. It’s going to take a strong woman. I will give my best. I am the hardest working. I love those babies. I miss you more. It’s never going to be you. I’m tired of this. I don’t want this. Leave me the fuck alone. I love you. This is what the words of a narcissist look like.  This is not what love is.

That girl, she ain't gonna be okay...

Its been over 100 days.

100 days of learning. 100 days of grieving. 100 days of wonder. 100 days of loneliness.

100 days have come and gone and not a thing has changed. I'm holding on to everything that surrounds me so tightly because I know how it feels to lose something or someone. I struggle with being the one who never gives up.

You'd think that would be a good thing. In reality though, its what swallows me. Leaves me broken.

I'm ready to not be so broken anymore. I'm ready to move forward and use my lessons for the greater good in life.

I'm ready to be happy. To have something for myself that I can call my own. Something that no one in the world can take away from me.

The problem is...I've got to train myself to do things differently. I've got to take what I have and change it. Change everything. I'm usually good with accepting change but that's when its forced.

Its my turn to build and I plan to build mountains. Wish me luck. I'm gonna need it.

No feelings left

The road you walk alone
is the darkest path at night
You reach out your hand
Clearly not up for the fight.

Thoughts cloud the light
leaving you blind
The weight of the pain
always keeps you behind.



I sure hope the world tells me when to get it over this. Otherwise, I'll never look elsewhere.

I didn't know it would be today

I miss my dad tonight. A few minutes ago, I sat outside on the front steps and spoke to him. I'd give the world if I had it, to hear him speak back. You never really quite know what to say to a loved one when they are dying. You focus so much energy on being there, in their presence, making sure they are okay. Your brain goes into this hole that shows no light. There is no way out because you know what the future for this loved one holds.

When this happens, you lose your ability to think clearly and concisely. You forget the important stuff. The questions you wanted to ask. The advice you will need for later. The memories spoken just once more.

Eventually, you accept it. You do this because you have to, there is no choice in it. Accepting it isn't the same as being okay with it though. It doesn't mean you understand. You have moments throughout your life that you are automatically going to go to that place your loved one once was. The place your routine is used to. Days, weeks, years. It doesn't matter how much time has passed. Your mind will always go to them.

Its in these instances that your heart breaks over and over again. Sometimes to the point of feeling huge weights on your chest, as if you may choke.

Reality...what a terrible thing.

When your little, you always look to your dad. The most important man in your life. You want to make him proud. You want to make him happy. You want him to know he has raised you the right way. You want to show him that you've created greatness from the life he gave to you.

Just because my dad is dead doesn't mean its okay for me to forget this. I still want him to be proud of me. I want to show him I was worth it. That he made a difference.

Then I have days like today.

Today, someone that I love was very mean to me. They called me horrible names. They physically harmed me. They made me feel like I was nothing. They degraded me so low that for a while tonight I didn't think I'd be able to dig out.

While this was happening, I was embarrassed. I embarrassed myself. I allowed the actions of another to control me. I allowed them to pull me down to their level. I allowed this monster to come into my life. I allowed myself to love this person.

Reflecting now, only hours later...I get to thinking...

What would dad think of all of this?

The answer to that question is the answer I needed to remember in order to know where to go from here.

So...here I am, two years, four months, and five days after my dad's death...and he is still there for me. He is still lending me his guidance.

Who would have thought that possible?

Where God will bless our love once again

Don't fall in love. In fact, don't even think about the mere thought of love.

People will tell you that the love, in the moment makes it all worth it. That it makes all the loneliness, pain, sadness, etc..worth it. One even says- Its better to have loved than to never have loved at all.

I call BS on all of this.

I've been in love. I have known love. I have drowned in this said love.

I have had that feeling of being lost within another. The feeling of safety, as though the entire world didn't matter around me, because I was in love. I have felt what its like to be in the arms of someone you love. The warmth, the security. I have been told how amazing and beautiful I am by the one I love. I have held hands, experienced being together. I have laid beside the one I love and felt at peace. I have share moments of laughter, I have danced with the one I love. I have been mesmerized by eyes and I have found times where I just smile for no reason because of this love.

I have experienced every corner, every shadow, every inch of love and being intertwined within it.

 

I'm here to tell you, its not worth it. Do not do it. In fact, run from it.

 

Love will kill you. Little by little.

 

You will not recognize the self of yours that you've spent your entire life building up. It will break you. It will deteriorate into nothing. You will end up being nothing.

 

Love is BS.

Don't share your devils with me

Once- there lived a young boy, a young choir boy. He worked within the walls of the churches- singing, laughing, dreaming. This is where his goals were born. He wanted happiness. He wanted a life filled with love and joy, friendship and faith. He yearned to explore the world that surrounded the small town he grew up in. He knew greatness existed out there,  he just had to find it.

...to be continued. 

At least I careD

 I miss being a kid. I miss the ease of life. I miss when these crazy huge decisions weren't thrown into the mix of my world. I miss being innocent. 

I didn't have to worry about whether I loved him enough, appreciated him enough, or put enough greatness into his day. I didn't have to succumb to being let down each day. A while back, someone said to me-  "you let yourself down". I try to remember that line nowadays when I get disappointed. I've come to realize that- to put my destiny into someone else's hands, to put my hunger and hopes into another's free will...is just wrong. Only I am responsible for how my day turns out. I cannot blame others.  

I fight each day with myself to dredge on. To make it through another day. That tomorrow will be better. I say to myself- "don't give up today". The problem here is...it's getting tougher each day to recite those words to myself. It's even harder to force myself to listen. 

it can happen

At which point do you know when this needs to happen? When is it time to move on? Does the universe send a sign? Does it smack you in the face, making it hurt this time? 

There is a moment in every relationship you come across- when you are faced with this questionable reality. A moment that many fear. Some may even deny it while others forbid the very thought  from existing in their world. 

So what does that say about the ones that face this reality? Right or wrong, whether its destined or not. Are these people stronger for being able to see and acknowledge this, or are they stupid for allowing these thoughts to enter their mind. 

Breakdown

One of the worst feelings in the world is when there isn't a soul in the world that has faith in you. When you, yourself, feel hopeless. When you wake up in the morning and don't want to face the day. When you realize that the life you've made for yourself really is a bucket of nothing. When the bad far outweighs the good because good does not exist.

This weight is unbearable. Its unfair. This is when you are stuck. It's in this moment when you find yourself wondering if you are up for the fight. Is the fight worth it? How can you be sure you want to fight? The fear of not knowing if it will work stops you in your tracks. It's like staring down that barrel, in hopes it won't shoot. Hope is hard to come by though, so you fail to have the desire to stare.

I try to understand the reasoning behind the struggles I am faced with. Why is this happening? What did I do to get myself into this mess? How could I have avoided it? How do I get out of it? Can I get out of it? Will things ever be better? Will I ever be content?

Do whatever you want

He doesn't know ME. That- in itself is completely obvious. He doesn't know my favorites, things I dislike, my dreams. He doesn't know my habits, my hobbies, my sadness. He doesn't know what angers me or what makes me happy. He doesn't know how my sentences will end or how I feel on Tuesdays. He doesn't know how much pain I've endured that made me this way. He doesn't know the darkness that lives inside of me. He doesn't know how hard I've fought to be myself in a world that questions that. He doesn't know how bold I can be when I feel the need. He doesn't know deep I love when I love. He doesn't know how much it took for me to open up and not be alone anymore. He doesn't know how much I struggle daily. He doesn't know the guilt that has made a home within me. He doesn't know the grief I live with everyday. He doesn't know I don't take pictures anymore. He doesn't know I don't write anymore. He doesn't know I am at war with myself. He doesn't know I enjoy chaos. He doesn't know I think I am not beautiful. He doesn't know I feel unwanted. He doesn't know the reasons behind my decisions. He doesn't know what exactly is important to me. He doesn't know why I am often content with nothing. He doesn't know I cry everyday. He doesn't know I long for him when he is sitting beside me. He doesn't know I'm scared of the dark. He doesn't know the lengths in which I'd go to make him happy. He doesn't know that his words hurt me. He doesn't know that I want nothing more than to be with him. He doesn't know that the dreams I have at night come true, and the ones I have during the day- don't. 

Maybe none of this matters to him. Maybe he is content with not knowing. 

But how can he love me and not even know me? 

Illumination

My biggest fear right now- dying with sadness. Throughout your life you eventually do learn what to hold on to and what to rid your life of. I've always thought it would be easy to rid my life of sadness when the time came for it to be gone. The problem I always glanced past was- What if the very same source of sadness is what also provides the most happiness? How do you know which one outweighs the other? What if neither side bears more than the other? Do you keep both? Do you leave both? 

Its so easy to look through this specific problem during the sad days. When you are at your wits end with life, you are in dire need of something positive to happen or something to light your world on fire. It is so easy to give in to those wants. Its when you get to the edge of that cliff that your mind chimes in saying- "Wait, what about the greatness that lies within this land, let's not forget about that". That's when you have to stop and think about it. That's when the decisions play tug of war with your heart. 

And it hurts. Unbearable pain that I'd wish on no one. No one. 

Dear Daniel

Today-

You've made me feel worthless. Throughout the past few months, I have begun to belittle myself to suffice you and your opinions of how things are supposed to be.

You have made me feel ugly. Inside and out. I- right this very moment, feel ugly. You have given me no other inkling that I should feel otherwise. You have made this extremely clear to me. In your eyes, I am ugly.

You have made me feel unwanted. You have turned your back many times when my back needed yours. You have looked passed my sadness and pretended it didn't exist. You have chosen so many other options before ever thinking of choosing me.

You have made me feel stupid. You have taken my feelings and turned them into mud. You have called me a baby when I was sad. You told me I was a complainer when I felt ill. You  have closed your eyes at the mere thought of having to listen to my "ramble".

You have made me feel unappreciated. You have taken for granted the very things I do to make you happy. You have taken my hand and dropped it when it no longer satisfied your needs in that moment. You have taken from me so much I cannot get back and never once have you said thank you.

You have made me feel hopeless. You have heard my struggles and still continue to bypass them. You have made excuses as to why things will never change. You have told me you cannot help this. You have promised me the world, but I have yet to see this world in which you speak of.

You have made me feel lonely. You have sat beside me unbeknownst to you though...I was beside you. You have turned around when I faced you. You have shown a desire for something great when I was there the whole time.


One day- you will wish that you hadn't made me feel worthless. You will see me shine, but will no longer be in my light.

One day- you will wish you hadn't made me feel ugly. When you are facing this dark and harsh world alone, you will look back and see how beautiful I really am. By then, it will be too late.

One day- you will wish that you hadn't made me feel stupid. There will come a day when you will need my guidance and knowledge. This will have already run out for you.

One day- you will wish that you hadn't made me feel unappreciated. When you are staring at an empty bed at night, you will hurt for me to be there. You will miss me when I am not there.

One day- you will wish that you hadn't made me feel hopeless. When my dreams are coming true and you are only a bystander, you will yearn to be a part of my greatness. I won't be so kind as to share it anymore though.

One day- you will wish that you hadn't made me feel lonely. When you are reaching out for a hand to hold, someone to get you through the day- I will be holding my own hands. I will have no spare hands left for you.

Semaj Rawna

Ice in the parking lot...caught that car
Through the elevator doors...where we are.

Greatest escapes...in brisk cold air
Company kept...as we always did there.

Comfort well chosen...for the needs to be
Wrapped into arms...safe enough for me.

What are you typing?

Well, I've done it. I made it (almost) through this night. Although it is morning now...it still kind of feels like night to me. Probably due to my lack of sleep...but I'm here.

Last night was a horrible night. Glad to say that it's over and (almost) done with.

A few nights ago...I had a strange and quite scary dream. I was havnig a party of some sorts in the back yard...with most of my family, when out of no where my house lights up and is on fire. At the beginning of this fire, it was only the upstairs of my home that was amid flames. During this time...my mother and boyfriend began taking things from out of the kitchen and bottom floor of the house to "save" things as quick as they could before the fire reached the downstairs. They sat there in conversations...saving things. It didn't seem like they were the least bit hasty in saving things. In the midst of this horrible incident...I realize there are people upstairs- where the fire is. So of course, I run up there to save them. In doing this- I get stuck. On steps, maybe? Then a hand appears. The hand of my boyfriend. When I touch this hand...it isn't his. I can immediately tell, it isn't his. But it appears to be him. I denied this hand and waited for my boyfriend's hand. Meanwhile...the ones I thought were upstairs were not. Turns out...two others were up there..who ended up dead.

Dreams have such a way of opening your thoughts and your mind to meanings and possiblities. They hold so much strength behind them that most fail to notice. I have always been a believer that my dreams meant something. That maybe they were trying to tell me something. I haven't always have a great track record with this...but when that record was great- it was well worth all the failures...as scary as they were. I'm not completely sure what this all means. I've had a million different things going through my mind over the past few days and weeks that it could have been triggered by a hundred things. A hundred conversations. A hundred moments of sadness. Who knows. But when it does happen (the reason for the dream)...I'd like to think that I will immediately understand the reasoning. The warning will be clear. I just wish the warning was more to clear to me now as opposed to waiting for failure to happen.

Make sure you turn off that light when you leave

When I get scared, I think of my Dad. I take comfort now in knowing that maybe...just maybe...he is looking out for me. He is somewhere up there watching, making sure that I am okay.

I miss him. Immensely. There are no words to describe the aching desire to have him back. I would give anything to have him back for only a few moments. I would give up my whole world just to hear him play one more song on his guitar, rocking out to some silly old music.

When I think back over my fathers life- I realize that he didn't have much to contribute to his life. He didn't have fancy cars and clothes. He didn't get to take those exotic vacations that one dreams of taking. He didn't get those "night out on the town" nights. He didn't have much of anything.

He was a simple man. He worked everyday, for as long as I can remember. He left early in the mornings, before the sun showed it's face. He came home late, when the sun had already left for the evening. He would walk in, with that box in hand, exhausted. Ready to clean the day off of him and rest for tomorrow's tasks.

He didn't get to have much that he enjoyed. He didn't go out with friends, go to parties, go to restaurants. He didn't go bowling or play sports. He didn't have any of those things that most people fill their lives with. With this void, he still...always seemed content with his life. Day in and day out, content.

He was a family man. He loved his family. He loved those who weren't even family. He loved people. He loved everyone. He was a very humble man. He did what he needed to do to ensure that his family was okay and happy. Regardless of what made him happy, and without giving into his own want of happiness- he did what he needed to do for others. He lived his whole life this way.

But why did he do this? Why did he throw his happiness to the side to suffice everyone else? Why did he make so many self sacrifices to ensure the world around his was okay?

I wish I knew. I wish I knew how he was able to survive this way. I wish I knew what kept him going each day. I wish I knew his reasoning.

There are far too many selfish and ignorant people in this world that would never come anywhere close to the kind of person my father was. My father's death is a great loss to this terrible world we live in.

Hugging pillows instead of people...

I need an outlet.

I have so many crazy and screwed up things going on in my life right now, its almost unbearable. I don't understand how I allow myself to get into these situations-every time. It never fails. Never.

How do I let myself accept second best? How do I let myself think that I don't deserve more? How do I let myself be wrapped up into these fairytale stories- only to be thrown into the fire at the end?

Its because I am a stupid woman. No smart, intelligent, witty woman would allow this to be their life. At which point in mine did I make that decision to turn this way? To go left, when I should have gone right? Once on this road, how did I not see all the signs pointing in the wrong direction? Why didn't I turn around? What put me on this path of destruction?

I'm at the point in my life where turning around isn't an option anymore. I can no longer decide what kind of life I will have. I can no longer make those good choices and be who I've always wanted to be. Do you know how sad that makes a person?

Really, really, really...fucking sad.

How pathetic am I?

Don"t wanna burn by myself

Over the last few days, I've been going absolutely crazy with thoughts circling inside of this mess of a mind of mine.

I woke up a day and so ago with just pure anguish being poured overtop of me. I'm pretty sure that it was brought on by some random triggers going on lately, but still...I thought I was getting away from all of this.

I miss her. I am still filled with anger. I am still at war with myself because of this. I have so much guilt built up inside of me that sometimes it reminds me of a house fire. Swallowing up the home, the memories, the foundation. When that fire is out, the remains are a few random pieces of burnt furniture and some broken glass. Water has damaged anything that would have or could have hoped to be salvaged in the midst of the saving.

I am that mess, those remains.

No one else knows this though. I will not let that happen.

Leave a world behind

How do I get myself into these situations?

At the end of my days, I think...I want out. I need out. Get me out.

This cannot be normal.

The bigger issue here...what brings me back to this each and every time? People say that things happen for reasons. I wish I knew those reasons. Sometimes I use that as an excuse to deal with it for just one more day. "Let's just go through one more day. It won't be so bad".

But then...tomorrow happens. With these tomorrow's, I find myself faced with the same question. How many times can one ask themselves the same question and give the same stupid questions?

Waiting is what I'll do...

Daniel.

What can I tell you about Daniel? There isn't enough words in the world to describe what he means to me. There are no where near enough experiences that one could have-to compare what he has brought into my life.

With him, it's easy. I don't have to be someone I'm not. I don't have to pretend the world is any different than what it seems. It's almost as if he and I were soul mates. Always meant to share days with one another. Always.

With him, I feel safe. When I say safe, I mean- not on defense mode. I can talk to him and share things with him like no one else. I can give myself entirely to him without expecting or fearing that it will be returned defectively.

With him, things are okay. It does not matter what sort of nonsense the days throw at me, things will be okay. Having him to come home to, at the end of the night- assures me that I don't have to worry. I don't have to question. Everything is going to be okay.

Wow.

After all this time. 

Crazy how the world throws pitches at you when you least expect it. It's even crazier when you get that one pitch that comes right to your glove. Fits perfectly as if it knew it belonged there. 

Almost like being lost, unable to find your way home. That magical...unbelievable night when you finally step foot on the curb. After all the hard roads you've walked. It's the moment you are right where you were always meant to be and you know it.

Can I get my hat back please?

Changes...changes...changes. 

The more you fight them, the more they overwhelm you. 

Be nice to them. 

I can live without you

No one ever said it would be easy.

All too often parents grow to become their children's very best friend. They guide them towards their wants and needs. They don't stop to allow that child to try getting there without them. 

I find myself doing this sometimes. I take it easy on my kids because they are all I have. We are the team. I forget so easily that I am the leader of this team. I am guilty of giving in because I don't want to see them sad. I don't want to upset them. 

But then I think back to my childhood. My parents would not allow me to get away with some of the things many do today. My parents would never allow me to talk back or get what I want simply because I put a sappy face on. 

Id like to think that I try my best most times, but sometimes I am lazy to the idea that I am the one shaping these two. When I lie down for bed at night, I get to thinking. I've got to get this right- right now, before its too late. I will not be one of those parents. I may be raising my children alone, but that is no reason to allow for error. I will not use that as an excuse. I've got this. 

After all, one day I will not be here anymore. I've got to ensure these kids have the mind and matter to be okay without me. 

My poison...my drug...the man that I love

This guy. Just one look from this guy and I melt. Just his name appearing on my phone, I crumble. He has my heart in the palm of his hands, and he knows it. The problem is...I completely hate him.

Since day one, years ago...hiding in that corner.

Here's my dilemma- I need to rid him from my world. How is that possible when so much love exists between the two of us? Its said, that love isn't so pretty behind closed curtains. In my case, its the complete opposite. Its not so pretty being displayed to the world, but behind closed curtains...its absolutely amazing. Who wants to hide behind those curtains though? Not me.

I never in my life imagined that I would be stuck in a place I am currently stuck in. Growing up, I imagined that I would have this perfect life. Now that I am all grown up, I realize that- that was a bunch of BS. This world places all these visions and dreams into your head when you're young. They call it motivation or hope. Motivation to go after these dreams and hope that these dreams will come true. What I have learned- you have to work your ass off to get anywhere near these silly dreams that were once placed into your head.

Back to this guy now though. I made a promise to myself a while back that I was going to rid my life of him. That I was going to live my life without him. No matter how hard it would be, no matter how sad I would be, no matter how much I missed him. Taking the easy road back to him is much better than living with hard days. Succumbing to him is much better than being sad all the time. Missing him was easier when he was beside me.

I thought it was hard to live my life without him in it. Now...its just hard to get him out of my life. I have to do this now, beings that its inevitable down the line anyways, but how? Its like being addicted to drugs. Addicts always think that you can get away with just one last hit. Until that one last hit is all it took to kill them.

I need to figure this out before it strangles me whole.

We love each other, but since when is love- alone, enough?

To take your breath away

Sometimes, maybe even all the times...you don't know what is going through one's mind at any given moment. Be careful with the words and actions you choose...it may just make or break a person.

Someone once told me the importance of my words. The power that my words hold. The strength that is behind each and every thing I say. 

For they are mine and only mine. No one can take your thoughts away. No one can take your voice from you. 

If one tries, show 'em who is boss. 

Go Home

I can't wait to meet you there

These last few days have been hard. Not to say the last few months haven't been...but I am really missing my dad. I am missing him just being here. 

Its crazy to think that its been over 10 months since hes been gone. It feels like the more time that passes, the more of him I lose. The more days that go by, the more he isn't here. If ever in my life I needed my dad, its now. 

I am grateful for the life I have and have had because of him. I am grateful for the family I have been a part of because of him. I am grateful for the person he has raised me to be. I am grateful for the lessons he has taught to me. I am grateful for the nights he filled my world with sound. 

Throughout my days, I look at strangers and wonder why...why do they get to be alive, and my dad doesn't? This world is full of crazy, horrible individuals...but my dad gets taken. My dad. Gone. As much sense that lies between the lines, I refuse to make that sense work for me. Call it denial, being naive, whatever. 

I just miss my dad and want him back. 

Snoring and a roaring

 

This was my life. For nine whole months, this was my life. Who was I kidding?

 

I should have taken my own warning from the get go. I should have stuck with the first 30 day challenge. I should have turned around and walked away when I had the chance. I should have deleted that number, erased those pictures, pretended you didn't exist in my world. I should have saved my time for something greater.

 

Thing is though-

 

I didnt want to listen to those warnings. I hated that 30 day challenge. I loved being in your arms, how could I walk away from that? I couldnt delete that number, I memorized it instead. Those pictures- I love every single on of them. You were my world. Those moments I shared with you, were some of the greatest moments of my life.

 

I now find myself in such debate over what to do. Am I supposed to stick around and play this waiting game? Do I move on to something that will make me happy, something that has been staring me in my face this whole time? How do I give up the greatest love of my entire life without a fight? One year ago today, you fought for me- and won. I can feel it slipping away. Slowly, but surely it moves further away than it was yesterday. The question is though- am I up for this fight?