Halloween

I dont like Halloween. I mean, its not the worst holiday, but it is one thats just not neccessary. It isnt neccessay to dress up looking foolish. Its not neccessary to walk children in the freezing cold just to get candy. Its not neccessary to have kids knocking on strangers doors. Who came up with halloween anyways? I'd like to meet the person. It may have been cool 50 years ago, but its not now.

I took my daughter out trick or treating tonight. I mustve found five kids who couldnt find their parents. I was literally yelling in the middle of the street- did someone lose a child? If you cant watch your children, or u dont have enough patience to deal with them, or u dont want them around, then dont have them. Parents these days are horrible sometimes. I dont let myself get out in that scene too often, and when i do, it pisses me off because half the people in this world that have children, really shouldnt have them. Its pretty bad when a child cannot find their mother, and when they do...they get yelled at for it. The parent should be watching the child. Its not the other way around.

Enough bitching, im off to bake some cookies...haha 

Goodnight!

JUST LIKE ME

I go to put my daughter to sleep, she says...lay down mommy. I lay down. She starts to sing me this song that is made up of words that aren't even real words...but it was beautiful nonetheless. So...I pretend to fall asleep. She brushes the hair out of my face, kisses me on the cheek, and says good night mommy. I'm still pretending to be sleeping...I open my eyes, and she is sneaking out of her bed...I say- Ciara Angel Grace...really loud....she says...mommy, do you like chipmunks?

OMG. How can I get mad at that?? I cant, its impossible. She is just like me. Full of attitude, smarts, modesty, and control. Can never get her to quit talking either...JUST LIKE ME. :)

My day...a whole lotta WTF. Like always...right?

My morning was ok. Although I woke up later than I should have. I made it work. I was patient, didnt rush myself. It was kinda peaceful. My afternoon flew by. It was an easy one. My night..

Nighttime is supposed to be the time u get to relax. The time that sums up ur whole day. That u use to recuperate from ur "day". Well I'd love to know how that feels. I had a very eventful night. Not an all that great eventful, but eventful nonetheless. It still, and I know I've said this before, but it still amazes me what people will do. People will do the worse and most horrible and hurtful things imaginable if they think the can get away with it, without being caught. Theres gotta be a line drawn somewhere. A line that comes from commonsense, and decency. My biggest ailment in life is having to discuss something, actually setting into motion, and plan, and not following through with it. You know how much time is wasted by that? The time wasted thinking, and talking, and negotiating, and all that goodness. Its a waste of time. It ends up getting kicked to the side. Im rambling here...but all in all...what I want to say is that people piss me off. They do stupid things, and hurtful things, and they think its ok. Who created such fucked up people?

God? No. I stopped believing in that a long time ago.

If you tell me that ur going to do something, or that ur going to change and be better...and it never happens...the time comes when u will need to use that same line as an excuse. Only that time I will not believe u. I will not be such an idiot. Learn from my mistakes? No. Just learn not to make them next time.

Goodnight!!!!!!

Leave it to me to leave things unsaid. I think its due time to just say screw it. Less hope to be lost in the end. Sometimes, cutting ur losses can be a good thing...right?

Jack frost stopped by this morning...i made him leave :)

Its official. I am the best cook I know. :)

I just heard ur voice.

I had the best day. I got to spend it with my two favorite peoples. They make any day beautiful!

Pretty!

This reminds me of when I was younger. We would go to the swings and talk about how mean the boys were. Girls were always so much better than boys. Always will be.

Tell me that doesnt look strange...this one actually was taken by accident.

The world is not so difficult. We just make it into some big catastrope, that is really unneccessary. It amazes me the little things that get turned into disasters. Relax....relax....relax.

Ok, you made me do it. Here goes.

1.What was the last song you listened to last night? Calling You, by Blue October

2.What color is the top you are wearing today? Gray

3.What is your favorite saying? Just when you thought you knew everything there was to know about this world, you look at life through a different point of view and the whole world changes.

4.What is your best friend’s name? Kelly Ryan....(Omg I know)

5.Who did you hug last? Ciara Angel

6. Have you ever been arrested? Yep. First time was when I spent the night in a Marcus Hook jail cell, for "withholding information".

7. Where is your favorite place to go? Fenwick.

8. What is the name of your first boyfriend/girlfriend? Shawn Hinote

9. What is your favorite drink? coffee...

10. How many siblings do you have? unbelievable...but i "think" i have 10.


11. What is your biggest fear? Boats, im dead afraid of them. I will not step foot on one.


12. What is your favorite tv show? Lost. but its not on anymore, so i dont watch any.
13. Where was your first kiss? Behind a garage on white avenue.

14. What color socks are you wearing? Pink and purple

15. What is one thing you hate the most? Politics


16. What is your biggest accomplishment to date? My two beautiful and smart children.
17. What is your favorite color? Purple

18. What do you like least about yourself? My ability to feel bad for others so easily.


19. What is your favorite hobby? Photography was...until I started getting paid for it.


20. What one thing could you not live without? Id say my phone, but thats pretty typical. So I gotta say my family...lol

I THINK THIS ONE WAS ENOUGH FOR ONE NIGHT.

I let my son's friend come over after school today. They were making these boe and arrows out of sticks in the back yard. When it was time for the phillies to come on, I told them it was time come inside. So this boy says to me..."Me and my dad went to a phillies game last week, but my dad didn't like it because they shut down the beer at 7:30".  That was what this boy took from going to a phillies game with his dad. Omg. He is only ten years old. If my son starts talking about that kinda stuff, I'm gonna lock his ass up in his room till he is 30.

Fool of yourself

He walks around forgotten
Hes told like nothing before
He doesnt know what he has gotten
He only knows what to stand for.

He powers me with thought
He walks on water and falls
Hes always so distraught
He chances and sometimes stalls.

He conquers without fault
He lies between the lines
He focuses on assault
He lays down all the signs.

He has no shadows aside
He screams without a word
He leaves nothing left untried
He is never left unheard.

He warms with his magic
He surpasses with his soul
He knows his life is tragic
He just plays the minor role.

I would love to dance with you.

Bring on the day that follows
Show me tomorrows sunset
The change and the challenge
Give me nothing worth regret.

Fight the box of worthy
Make true all the diffusion
Bring me to that place
Take away all of this confusion.

Un-fucking-believable.

Morning me.



I arranged for this song to be playing very quietly in the background at Kayla's funeral. There were three versions of it, that played. Me and my son, Nicholas would sing her this song. She would smile. When he would get close to her face and sing it, she would laugh. The first laugh I ever heard from her was when we were singing this song to her. After that, there were only a few times I got to hear her laugh. But its just one of those things that you don't forget. Even though it was incorporated into a sad moment, it was taken from one of the happiest moments. Simple, and unknown beauty.

My "new" brother James(Buck)...whom I havent met yet...just recently joined the marines, and then got married. I missed out on both. 

For as many nows that have been said...i havent seen a now yet. At least not with my EYES.

The Marines' Prayer

Almighty Father, whose command is over all and whose love never fails, make me aware of Thy presence and obedient to Thy will. Keep me true to my best self, guarding me against dishonesty in purpose in deed and helping me to live so that I can face my fellow Marines, my loved ones and Thee without shame or fear. Protect my family. Give me the will to do the work of a Marine and to accept my share of responsibilities with vigor and enthusiasm. Grant me the courage to be proficient in my daily performance. Keep me loyal and faithful to my superiors and to the duties my country and the Marine Corps have entrusted to me. Make me considerate of those committed to my leadership. Help me to wear my uniform with dignity, and let it remind me daily of the traditions which I must uphold.

If I am inclined to doubt; steady my faith; if I am tempted, make me strong to resist; if I should miss the mark, give me courage to try again. Guide me with the light of truth and grant me wisdom by which I may understand the answer to my prayer. Amen.

so, someone gave me some good advice.
they said: if the person wanted to be there, they would've been. 
thats an answer that could go along with hundreds of questions.

-all in all, theres a lot of fucked up ppl in this world.

More of my Blah-ness...

My day...blah...blah...blah. Yep. That just about sums my day up. It started out ok. It was a pretty easy morning. Even though I woke up later than I wouldve liked to. I accepted it. The sky was pretty outside. That made it nice to leave the house. Work was okay. Its after midnight now, and it seems like I just woke up. Where did my day go?

I often have days like this. Days that it seems like...it could have been filled with so much more. Now I know, that not everyday has to be completely filled and drawn out...and even though I probably have more of those filled and eventful days then anyone I know, its just nice to have them when they arent expected. Maybe it is just that. Maybe I am so used to things creating things, and creating more things. Overwhelming me. To have a normal day, didnt seem so normal to me. Kind of threw me off a little. Maybe I shouldnt take it for granted as much.

Anyways, I ended up drinking a little, and playing spoons with everyone. And no, not that kinda spoons. Its a card game. You use real spoons. (The ones you eat cereal with...omg) You use one less spoon then the number of people you have. When someone gets four cards of the same, they grab a spoon, secretly, and the one thats left without a spoon is out of the game. Its fun. My hands kinda hurt right now, but it was worth it. I got third place. Which isnt bad when you have nine people playing. So...I'm off to bed. Lets hope its an extremely uneventful night, maybe I'll actually be able to SLEEP.

Totally contradicting myself huh?

Midnight thirty

I look away and feel your eyes
I step again and cut my ties.

I reach for you but you werent there
I search for clues too hard to bear.

I blink just once and there it went
I dissapeared with no intent.

I collect my thoughts to share with you
I dared to follow and fell right through.

I delay my time to wait my turn
I claim the ground with lessons learned.

I swear someone sleeps inside. 

back to you

I see you in the morning,
shining through these trees,
I feel you in those moments,
blowing through the breeze.

I hear you whisper in my ear,
when the whole world makes no sense,
I think about you always,
as if your not past tense.

Your are my sunshine in the window,
my knocking at the door,
you are my warmth and my protection,
your the one I cry out for.

I feel your head on my shoulders,
I see your smile each night,
I spare you of sorrow,
This time I put up the fight.

I push away the darkness,
That holds you at arms length,
I turn around to see you,
and gather up my strength.

I open my eyes wide,
and stare up at the ceiling,
It was all just a dream,
I guess that was me dealing.

It hurts each and everyday,
its hard to paint my smile,
they say its supposed to get easier,
maybe i still have to wait a while.

Ive never been this weak,
to myself, or my world,
All paths lead back to you,
My sweet, little girl.

i hate when ppl tell u weird stuff at night and u go to bed thinking about it. it ruins the whole peaceful sleeping thing i had going on, and was looking forward to. some people still amaze me with the things they do, the things they say. u would think, that with everything ive had to deal with, id have nothing left to surprise me, well here, thats not the case. my day today was a little peaceful. maybe even too peaceful? on my drive home, it was lightning pretty bad out, maybe that was my warning...saying...uve had ur nice relaxing day, time for that to end now. whatever. this world cant throw anything at me that i cant handle. and if it could, i wouldnt admit it.

Shhhhhh...today is being quiet to me....don't ruin it.

If you dont mind

Angels of our mercy
Come to follow me
These lights seem thirsty
For a much tolerable degree.

I feel my surrounding
I see these skies erupt
It seems so astounding
Its pause seems quite abrupt.

The swirls of this small space
So very few in between
These thoughts of our place
Becomes somebody else's routine.

Recovered in the eyes
Of all those left standing
Wrapped up in disguise
With no flaws outstanding.

With or without the choice
To lead, and to accomplish
Left to fend off stars
If only to astonish.

I twisted and turned in bed, not able to get your face off my mind. I wanted to see you at that moment, and realized the feeling meant I was missing you.

I hated that picture, had to delete it. :)

Me and my red-headed nephew. Hes looks innocent here, but omg...he really isnt.

I look really mean here...or maybe Im just pissed off...I dont remember?

Hmmmm.....

Boys...Boys...Boys

So, my day today went pretty well. Even after not thinking it was going to. So thats a big plus. One thing that got me today though. Stupid boys. By boys, I mean grown men, who act like boys. In particular my brothers. We made this bet about the game last night. Of course I thought I was going to lose. But ended up not losing..but whatever. They think that just cuz they are guys, they are better than girls. So...because they lost this bet...I got to pick whatever I wanted to get them back. Paybacks sorta.  Now me, being sooooo nice....(yeah right), I settled for something easy, and told them they had to wash my car. So they wash the car. Did a crap job. But they are guys...so what can you expect?? Anyways, today, they tried to get me back for winning. We were arguing about some stupid band. I could have sworn it was someone, but they told me I was wrong. We looked it up, I was wrong. So...they decide since I lost the bet, they were gonna include in their game. So here I am, thinking they were taking it easy on me. I was so wrong. The game was tasering. Apparently, they all went out and bought these tasers. They were little, handheld things though. So how much could it hurt? It hurt. It wasn't really pain kinda hurt, more like shock and surprise kinda hurt. Hard to explain. They chased me, and got me. So what did I do? I called my sisters, and we snuck up on them and got them back. At least one of them. He whined like a girl. Goes to show...that every "boy" has a little sissy girl inside of them. I wont be making anymore bets anytime soon tho.

RE-START

Off to start my day...finally right? Well, I had to chase my dog this morning. That wasn't fun. Couldn't find my blow dryer...that really pissed me off. Didn't have any filters for coffee...yep. I left my towels hanging over deck last night...this morning...they were floating in my pool. Couldn't find my iron...cuz god forbid i leave the house with a wrinkle in my clothes....found that at least. I somehow forgot that schools were closed today...so i made my son get up, get ready, and i took him to school...but no one was there. Oh...and my creepy neighbor has been sitting on his front steps since eight. I'm sure he's gotten a pretty good show to watch today. SO...I went to my bedroom, laid back down for five minutes, and now I'm up again, ready to RE-START my day. Easy enough? Lets hope so!

Nicholas took this picture...then told me I looked funny in it.

What the boys did to my deck.

My sensor light...that is no longer in use.

I used half aperture taking this photo...this is what I got.