You've had a taste of it

 

Its crazy to take a step back and reflect on your life. The decisions you make, the places you've been, the people you meet.

This one in particular is my "safety net". When I try to make excuses for keeping this one at arms length, I feel selfish. Selfish that I cannot for the life of me- make up my mind. Selfish that I refuse to share him with the world. I cannot succomb to the idea of being defeated. I know he will make me happy. I know that he would do anything for me. He would die for me.

So why can't I cut these loose ends off around me and just be happy? Why can't I just give up everything else and go for it? This one is a keeper.


It all falls back on the black shirt. He is to blame for everything. My god- I hate him. I am going to regret this later, I always do.

Cheerios

I wish I would have listened and paid more attention to this long ago. This is more true than anything anyone could advise you on.

With my dad, I knew it was bad, but didn't know how bad it really was. As his illness progressed, even though it was obvious, I was in complete denial. Those moments I had with him then, didn't seem like the last. Days turned into months. Towards the end, those minutes with him felt more meaningful than anything in my entire life. 

There are still millions of things I wished I had talked to him about or said to him. Time for those things and talks is now obsolete. It no longer presents itself as an opportunity. But my god! I wish I would have when I had the chance before. 

Don't take these things lightly. Time does eventually run out. 

My great escape

When I think about tomorrow, I get frightened by the mere thought of waking up to it. As the minutes turn into hours within my days, I wait. Patiently, I wait. I'm never completely sure of what it is I am waiting for, but I always like to think that I am waiting for the good in life. Sometimes I'm not clear whether I should be waiting. Most say that you've got to contribute to the world to taste the good in it. They say that just waiting around for this good is a waste of time, and will get you nowhere. 

With the presence of this judgement, I can't help but think- what is it I should be doing? How do I fill the blank days when I don't have the necessities to make something out of it? 

How do I know the difference between what I should be doing and what I could be doing? 

I need some serious guidance here. 

My god! Have I missed the sound of this!

Okay, so I did it. It's only the second day into the year and I've already given up one of my three resolutions.

I know that things aren't different between us. Things are still over, but it's hard. This doesn't change that. 

I tried not to call him. I tried not to text him. I tried not to contact him in any way. I made that one of my resolutions. To get over him. To do this, I would have to force myself to delete him completely from my life. 

But then he texted me. A simple "hello". 

I fought and fought with myself. But I always give into this. I thought, what's the harm?? I dialed his number, then cancelled. Four times. When I finally did it the fifth time, I felt nervous. Nervous. 

It was as though nothing had changed between us. Like it was just a normal thing. It felt so right to talk to him. It was like nothing had happened. 

When you throw out the fact that we are in love with each other, that we were meant to be together, that we were made for each other- it's leaves my best friend. He is my best friend. 

How do you live without your best friend? 

I'm not going to give up this resolution. I'm going to start over again tomorrow without him. I'm going to fight myself when I get that urge to call him. I'm going to pretend he doesn't exist in this world. 

But for an hour today, I had my best friend again. 

I love him, with my entire being. I am so in love with him that I can't think straight sometimes. He isn't good for me though. He's like a bad habit that I cannot kick. Destiny wants us to be together, but pushes us apart at the same time. 

It's going to be a great loss I will have to live with, but

 I will move on without him. 

I want to believe you.

Sometimes, it's hard. 

It's hard to get past the feelings that come pouring out at any given moment. It's hard to move on from something you're not ready to give up just yet. It's hard to have enough strength to walk away. It's hard to go a day without these thoughts consuming my mind.

Sometimes, it's easy. 

It's easy to pretend things don't exist. It's easy to make something out of what it's not. It's easy to be angry at the world. It's easy to let time pass.

Why are the hard ones so easy to fall for? 

Make a face, face.

Me and my sister Jen on New Years Eve. We were funny facing on snapchat with my little brother over his new GF. Silliness. 

Me too!

Love this girl with my whole heart! I am so thankful that this world has given me such greatness. Nothing comes close to comparing how she makes me feel everyday! 

All done??

This would be nice to have! Knowing me, I'd be the one to run from it! What am I going to do with myself! 

I'm old fashion

I fight myself every second of the day because of you. You are in my thoughts, every single one of them. 

I have loved you since the very first day I met you. I fell in love with you in the middle of that parking lot,  as you walked me to my car. It was there that we had our first kiss. I could tell by the look in your eyes that you had fallen just as much as me that night. 

I might live the rest of my life missing you. I might love you until the day I die. 

I fight the urge to call you each day. When something happens in my day, or someone makes me angry, or when I have some big accomplishment that I just want to brag about- those are the moments that I want to share with you, that I have always shared with only you. You were my person. In my heart, you'll always be my person. I have given up not only the person I am completely in love with, but also- my very best friend. 

But here's the thing...

I don't know how yet, but I will learn to live without you. I will learn to wake up without you being there. I will forget the sound of your voice. I will forget the way I fit so perfectly in your arms. I will move past this sadness. I will move past my longing to be close to you. I will get over you. I will forget your name. 

Like it or not, I will move on. 

I just gained an entire year of my life back

I argue with this thought each day. I try to get along with destiny. I try to agree with fate. But sometimes, it's so hard to put your beliefs and faith into something that isn't a guarantee. I'm not the girl who waits around for her chance to come along. I don't have patience for that, or for anything. 

So, the question is this- should I learn to be patient or say to hell with destiny? They both screw you one way or another anyways, don't they? 

You let yourself down

This girl misses her dad. She misses the security of having him in her world. Nothing seems right to her anymore. 

She cries for him. She longs for his company. She dreams of him. 

She doesn't show this to the world. She's too strong for that. She stays in tact so she won't seem scared without him. 

She just misses her dad. That's all. 

I didn't want to have your number. I didn't want your number because I didn't want to have the urge to call you.

Why did you call me?

My New Years resolution- to be good, and do good. 

Wish me luck, I'm going to need it!! 

I might love you my entire life, but I will move on..

I wish I could wake up from this madness. Maybe if I just pretend it doesn't exist, it will get the point? 

Almost

I miss you. Day in and day out. It's a constant battle that I am having with myself. I am going to get over you. It may take a lifetime, but I will do it. 

How do you get over someone who holds so much power over you? How do you move on from that? How do you give up something that you couldn't imagine living a day without? 

I know how.

You live your life. You force yourself to wake up in the morning. You tell yourself that you can get through today. You tell yourself that everything's going to be fine, that tomorrow will be better. You tell yourself these things because no one else is here to say them for you. For it is with those thoughts- that make it bearable for me to live without you. 

Well Hello there Mr. J. Daniels!

My number six. Horrible isn't is??

I missed this question! How was I supposed to know the the answer for- the best a man can get??? I chose a woman. Because...well come on now. 

I've shared some good memories with this one. For some unknown reason it seems as though I'm missing out on something now that I have distance myself from it. It feels like it's going to turn out to be one of those thoughts...years from now- that I wished I wouldn't have given up. 

The world tells you that you've got to give up some good to make room for some great. Let's hope I gave up the right kinda good. I'll wait patiently for my greatness. 

A fat man's escape

Who knew that something as silly as a bowl of ice cream could make your whole day better? 

I miss far too many people each day. I feel an emptiness inside of me where these people used to exist. Ice cream always makes me feel better! 

As long as my pants still fit me, I think I'll be just fine, right? 

Just so you know-

These posts are just a collection of nonsense that builds in my brain. My way of dealing with things and figuring things out is to put them down in black and white. They aren't meant for many people to read. They aren't meant for anyone to read actually.

But- if you've decided to read them, you are not allowed to criticize or think anything different because of them. 

The come back kid

This is what I feel like right about now. Broken, missing pieces, parts of me falling apart and going in their own direction. No chance of recollection on how it all fits back together. 

My entire life, I have always had someone to run back to, when I needed reassurance. I've always had that corner to back into that fixed me, and pushed me out when I was all better. Ready to fight again. 

I find myself at a time in my life when there are no corners. There are no safety nets. There is no where to escape to. 

What's a girl to do?

I don't know how to exist in a world that my dad doesn't...

What I would give to have just one more day with my dad. One more night sitting at the kitchen table, just being goofy. One more evening listening to him play that guitar. One more Colorado story. I'd give my whole world. 

Everyday is scary to go into now. I find myself just wanting my dad. I catch myself thinking about what I wished I could have said to him. Giving him just one more hug. Brushing my face against his. 

I find myself at a complete loss day in and day out, and wanting nothing but to be able to sit with him for a few minutes. Even in complete silence. Knowing that he was around, made me feel safe. It gave me courage to fail. It gave me appreciation for the little things. 

I'm left thinking...

What would my dad think of this? 

Would he approve of what I am doing with my life? 

What would dad say about this? 

What would dad tell me to do? 

...and I'm left with no choice but to miss the most silliest things...guitars, bottle caps, flannel shirts, banjos, straw hats, and the sound of the harmonica playing. 

If its broke, just use duct tape?

I get it. I completely get it. I understand immensely. I get the reasons why men and women wouldn't want to date someone that already has children when they don't. I am in complete agreement that it is a personal choice or preference that all should be entitled to. If a woman doesn't want to date someone because the guy has kids with someone else, or vice versa, then to each his own. I understand the baggage and drama, or the misconceptions of the unknown.

What I don't agree with is getting yourself into a situation of dating someone who has kids, for it to only lead no where, because of the very fact stated. If you know from the get go that you don't want to date or see someone with kids, you don't want to start a family with someone who already has a family, then don't. Find someone else. Do not waste that persons time. Do not take that person for granted. Do not back burner someone for the simple fact that at the moment it works.

Do not wait until you are madly in love with one another to decide this. Do not create something so amazing only to force a complete explosion later.

I'm drinking sparkling water test

I'd say hes sad.

His dad left him for a very long time. 

His dads in a hotel meeting with some other lady that's not his mom. 

He told the kid hes going on vacation and never came back.

Its 10:56 at night. His dad left at 8:00.

Hes waiting for his dad.

He's humble.

If ever in my life I needed guidance, it's right now. I need ambition to do better, and to be better. I need confidence and assurance that things will all work out.

I miss my dad. If he were here, he would sit with me and tell me that everything's gonna be okay.

I want the person who sticks up for me, who makes me laugh, who makes me safe. I want the constant who loves me, who shares secrets with me, who holds me higher than anything else. Someone who will see my face when I am sad and remind me of the reasons why I should be happy. Someone who holds my hand and walks with me, regardless of who is watching. A best friend, a partner in crime. That's what I want.

I wish I didn't love you as much as I do. I wish you didn't allow yourself to be so much a part of my life. I wish you would have stayed away when I left the first time. Funny thing is, I wished for you and only you before.

It's scary to think that my only option here is to leave you. I wonder if you'll miss me once I'm gone.

Without you, my whole world feels empty.

Meanwhile...at home...

But what if you want a man who is a wild beast...WITH ethics? :)

Break his world apart

But how do you forget about the guy who hasn't yet forgotten about you?

I try not to think like this...but over the last few weeks...when I have decisions to be made like this, or advice...I'd think to myself- What would my dad tell me to do?

He would tell me to rid my life of anyone who makes me unhappy. He would tell me to leave behind anyone who makes me feel less than amazing. 

Time to start this walking the walk and talking the talk.