I just gained an entire year of my life back

I argue with this thought each day. I try to get along with destiny. I try to agree with fate. But sometimes, it's so hard to put your beliefs and faith into something that isn't a guarantee. I'm not the girl who waits around for her chance to come along. I don't have patience for that, or for anything. 

So, the question is this- should I learn to be patient or say to hell with destiny? They both screw you one way or another anyways, don't they? 

You let yourself down

This girl misses her dad. She misses the security of having him in her world. Nothing seems right to her anymore. 

She cries for him. She longs for his company. She dreams of him. 

She doesn't show this to the world. She's too strong for that. She stays in tact so she won't seem scared without him. 

She just misses her dad. That's all. 

I didn't want to have your number. I didn't want your number because I didn't want to have the urge to call you.

Why did you call me?

My New Years resolution- to be good, and do good. 

Wish me luck, I'm going to need it!! 

I might love you my entire life, but I will move on..

I wish I could wake up from this madness. Maybe if I just pretend it doesn't exist, it will get the point? 

Almost

I miss you. Day in and day out. It's a constant battle that I am having with myself. I am going to get over you. It may take a lifetime, but I will do it. 

How do you get over someone who holds so much power over you? How do you move on from that? How do you give up something that you couldn't imagine living a day without? 

I know how.

You live your life. You force yourself to wake up in the morning. You tell yourself that you can get through today. You tell yourself that everything's going to be fine, that tomorrow will be better. You tell yourself these things because no one else is here to say them for you. For it is with those thoughts- that make it bearable for me to live without you. 

Well Hello there Mr. J. Daniels!

My number six. Horrible isn't is??

I missed this question! How was I supposed to know the the answer for- the best a man can get??? I chose a woman. Because...well come on now. 

I've shared some good memories with this one. For some unknown reason it seems as though I'm missing out on something now that I have distance myself from it. It feels like it's going to turn out to be one of those thoughts...years from now- that I wished I wouldn't have given up. 

The world tells you that you've got to give up some good to make room for some great. Let's hope I gave up the right kinda good. I'll wait patiently for my greatness. 

A fat man's escape

Who knew that something as silly as a bowl of ice cream could make your whole day better? 

I miss far too many people each day. I feel an emptiness inside of me where these people used to exist. Ice cream always makes me feel better! 

As long as my pants still fit me, I think I'll be just fine, right? 

Just so you know-

These posts are just a collection of nonsense that builds in my brain. My way of dealing with things and figuring things out is to put them down in black and white. They aren't meant for many people to read. They aren't meant for anyone to read actually.

But- if you've decided to read them, you are not allowed to criticize or think anything different because of them. 

The come back kid

This is what I feel like right about now. Broken, missing pieces, parts of me falling apart and going in their own direction. No chance of recollection on how it all fits back together. 

My entire life, I have always had someone to run back to, when I needed reassurance. I've always had that corner to back into that fixed me, and pushed me out when I was all better. Ready to fight again. 

I find myself at a time in my life when there are no corners. There are no safety nets. There is no where to escape to. 

What's a girl to do?

I don't know how to exist in a world that my dad doesn't...

What I would give to have just one more day with my dad. One more night sitting at the kitchen table, just being goofy. One more evening listening to him play that guitar. One more Colorado story. I'd give my whole world. 

Everyday is scary to go into now. I find myself just wanting my dad. I catch myself thinking about what I wished I could have said to him. Giving him just one more hug. Brushing my face against his. 

I find myself at a complete loss day in and day out, and wanting nothing but to be able to sit with him for a few minutes. Even in complete silence. Knowing that he was around, made me feel safe. It gave me courage to fail. It gave me appreciation for the little things. 

I'm left thinking...

What would my dad think of this? 

Would he approve of what I am doing with my life? 

What would dad say about this? 

What would dad tell me to do? 

...and I'm left with no choice but to miss the most silliest things...guitars, bottle caps, flannel shirts, banjos, straw hats, and the sound of the harmonica playing. 

If its broke, just use duct tape?

I get it. I completely get it. I understand immensely. I get the reasons why men and women wouldn't want to date someone that already has children when they don't. I am in complete agreement that it is a personal choice or preference that all should be entitled to. If a woman doesn't want to date someone because the guy has kids with someone else, or vice versa, then to each his own. I understand the baggage and drama, or the misconceptions of the unknown.

What I don't agree with is getting yourself into a situation of dating someone who has kids, for it to only lead no where, because of the very fact stated. If you know from the get go that you don't want to date or see someone with kids, you don't want to start a family with someone who already has a family, then don't. Find someone else. Do not waste that persons time. Do not take that person for granted. Do not back burner someone for the simple fact that at the moment it works.

Do not wait until you are madly in love with one another to decide this. Do not create something so amazing only to force a complete explosion later.

I'm drinking sparkling water test

I'd say hes sad.

His dad left him for a very long time. 

His dads in a hotel meeting with some other lady that's not his mom. 

He told the kid hes going on vacation and never came back.

Its 10:56 at night. His dad left at 8:00.

Hes waiting for his dad.

He's humble.

If ever in my life I needed guidance, it's right now. I need ambition to do better, and to be better. I need confidence and assurance that things will all work out.

I miss my dad. If he were here, he would sit with me and tell me that everything's gonna be okay.

I want the person who sticks up for me, who makes me laugh, who makes me safe. I want the constant who loves me, who shares secrets with me, who holds me higher than anything else. Someone who will see my face when I am sad and remind me of the reasons why I should be happy. Someone who holds my hand and walks with me, regardless of who is watching. A best friend, a partner in crime. That's what I want.

I wish I didn't love you as much as I do. I wish you didn't allow yourself to be so much a part of my life. I wish you would have stayed away when I left the first time. Funny thing is, I wished for you and only you before.

It's scary to think that my only option here is to leave you. I wonder if you'll miss me once I'm gone.

Without you, my whole world feels empty.

Meanwhile...at home...

But what if you want a man who is a wild beast...WITH ethics? :)

Break his world apart

But how do you forget about the guy who hasn't yet forgotten about you?

I try not to think like this...but over the last few weeks...when I have decisions to be made like this, or advice...I'd think to myself- What would my dad tell me to do?

He would tell me to rid my life of anyone who makes me unhappy. He would tell me to leave behind anyone who makes me feel less than amazing. 

Time to start this walking the walk and talking the talk.

And in the morning...when I rise...

Where do I start? If I could give someone just one piece of advice when it comes to love, it would be- do not get yourself involved into a relationship with an egotistical ass. (obvious...I know)

I find myself feeling stuck right now. I feel as though I cannot walk away, but at the same time- I'm sooooo unhappy. I absolutely love him. I am in love with him. He is someone that I cannot imagine living one day without. But at the very same time- he is a jackass. He doesn't seem to care about the very same things that are so important to me. He seems to take me for granted. He seems like a waste of my time. 

I spent half of my life with a guy who turned out to be someone who disgusts me now. Someone that put me through so much bullshit and nonsense. Before I knew it, 15 years of my life was wasted. 

I don't want to waste any more of my life. I want to be happy. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to feel appreciated and FEEL loved. Its one thing to tell me that you love me. Its a whole other to actually make me feel as though you do. 

I just want someone who is there to tell me that everything is going to be alright. 

Please don't bury me....down in...

He's gone. The first man I looked up at when I was born. The first man I depended on. The first man I looked up to. The first man I loved. My dad is gone.

My greatest hero. Gone.

The feeling I have inside of me is unimaginable. The sadness is hidden, but its there. It feels that I have yet to grieve for him. Its been 15 days since he died. I still envision him being there at the kitchen table when I walk into his house. I keep thinking of things I want to tell him about. I keep remembering times we had. I search around me for clues from him. Pieces of him. Anything. But I get nothing.

Its hard to believe that he is gone. Its hard to believe that I will never see him again.

No more late night music sessions. No more 15 mph drives. No more Colorado stories. No more Johnny Rotten.

Dont talk too fast to me...slow down...I wanna know.

The bravest man I know. The man who put all of his pride and dignity to the side, and kept me for his own. Accepted me into his life as his daughter. I often wonder his thoughts when he looked at me as a baby. Did he regret it, did he regret making this choice? Did he see another man's eyes in mine? Did he feel anger and anguish when he looked at me? Growing up...when I spoke to him...did he disregard me to an extent because I wasn't his...was I not as important as everyone else? 

I remember when I was hospitalized for surgeries...I must have been ten or eleven years old. He brought me this bag full of candy, all of his favorite candies. He told me it was to make me feel better, he told me that everything was going to be okay.

When my daughter died...he was the first one at the front door to find me. He was the one who grieved with me. He was the first one to tell me that everything was going to be okay. He still keeps her photo beside his bed. He sleeps beside her each night...just like me. 

i wonder if I ever made him proud of me. My dad isn't the most outspoken guy in the world. He doesn't talk much. I remember times when he looked at me...as though he wanted to break down and tell me his biggest secret. His biggest heartbreak. But he never spoke. His eyes, beamed into mine, with so much sadness and fear...as if he knew he should tell me these secrets, but didn't want to give me any of the pain that existed inside of him. He didn't want me to have to live with those secrets. 

I have so many unspoken things to say to this man. So many questions for him. Things and questions that will go left unheard. 

I used to call you my everything

I find myself wondering...what if things turned out differently. What if I stuck around for just one more hurdle. Where would I be at now? Would I have so many issues and problems going on...or would todays problems be replaced with new problems that included you?

When thoughts like this come to my brain...it is only at times when my mind is weak. When I feel like giving up. I have spent so much of my time and effort trying to make this work. Trying to do this on my own. I may have had some regrets in there...but they are my regrets. Not shared with anyone. Not someone else's burdens placed upon my shoulders. 

I have so many amazing and happy memories with you. Its hard to regret something that gave me so much at the time giving was happening. So..now...my only regret...is letting myself stay as long as I did. Allowing myself to endure your nonsense. I dont know where my life is going to go from here, but I do know...that I am not going to give up. 

Oh...noooo....promises.

Wow...how true this is. I am dangerous when I am alone. Dangerous meaning- in my mind. My whole life I have never had to experience this. Except when I was younger, of course...when I didnt know any better. 

But now...I have to say that as much talk that I talk about not getting lonely...I do. It it so hard to get over it when the feeling comes along. I remember reading and listening to people bitch and complain about their own lonliness, and think to myself- what the fuck is wrong with people...theres millions and millions of people on this earth...go find someone to make you not so lonely, and quit bitching about it. 

But I've turned into one of those people. maybe not so much publicly...simply because my pride will not allow for that...but what the..?

Another lesson I am in the process of learning. To be my own company. 

Did I wanna be where you are?

If there is a GOD in this world, he sure is trying his best to teach me so many lessons. When I fail at something, or I realize that I have made a mistake in decision making...the light bulb comes on...says...I should have seen this coming, I should of known it was going to happen, I should have knew better. 

So why cant this mind of mine be able to predict these things ahead of time? How come I cannot stop myself before its too late?? It feels as though these are lessons I've once learned, that I am learning again, but this time...its almost insulting to myself that I have to go through it all over again. 

What is my problem?

I want to wish myself out of this situation. I'd like to wake up being ten years old again. That's the last time my eyes saw innocence in this world.

Little boy blue

There is a story that was told...about a prince, fleeing from revolutionaries determined to kill him and take away his throne. The prince, terrified, sought shelter in a peasant's cottage.

Although the peasant had no idea the frightened man was a member of nobility he gave the prince refuge by telling him to hide under the bed. The prince had no sooner done so when his pursuers battered down the door and began to search the cottage.

The revolutionaries searched everywhere. When they came to the bed they decided to prod it with knives rather than move the cumbersome piece of furniture. At last they left.

The prince, pale but alive, crawled from under the bed after hearing the pursuers depart. He turned to the peasant then and said, "I think you should understand that you have just saved the life of your prince. Name three favors and I will grant them".

The peasant, a simple man, thought for a while and said: "My cottage is in disrepair and I have not had the money to fix it. Can this be done?"

"Fool!" cried the prince. "Of all the things in the world, why did you ask so small a favor? I will honor your wish, but what is your next request?"

"Sire, my neighbor sells the same wares as me in the marketplace. Would it be possible to change his location so both of us could make a better livelihood?"

"Idiot" said the prince. "Of course I will do as you wish. What foolishness, when you could have riches, to ask such nonsense! Take care that you do not anger me with another silly request."

No longer able to restrain his curiosity, the peasant said, "As my third request I ask only that you tell me how you felt as the knives were being pushed through the bed."

The prince, infuriated, shouted, "How dare you offend majesty by asking of my emotions? For this act I will have you beheaded tomorrow!"

The prince called in a few of his retainers and had the hapless man carried off to jail. All through the night the man wept for his folly and feared what would happen the next day. When the sun rose his jailers came to him and led him into a courtyard where an executioner with his black hood stood awaiting for the terrified man.

Forced to kneel on the block he heard a soldier call "One, two..." but before he could say three, another soldier on horseback came tearing into the courtyard calling "Stop! The prince commands it." With those words the executioner, whose blade had been resting on the peasant's neck, withdrew the sword. The shaking man arose and faced the soldier who had saved his life.

"His Highness gives you his pardon and orders me to give you this note," said the soldier. The peasant, relieved to the point of tears, began to read the few terse words:

"As your final favor you wanted to know how I felt under that bed when the revolutionaries came. I have granted your request because now you know!"

The prince had shown the peasant more graphically then words could possibly have done just what the horrendous ordeal had been like. The prince, no fool, had realized that some things are beyond describing. No matter how eloquent the words, their impact can fall flat when not accompanied by the similar experience.

My point in sharing this story- No one can quite know exactly what it feels like...the feeling of anguish and grief.

The way you are handling it

This is something to be said about almost anyone you meet and give your time too. Time is the most uncommon commodity you may come across in your life, and when you share it with others...you connect. 

My problem is...my time is so important to me, that when I allow myself to share it with someone, I am invested. I often times get no return on this. But at least I put myself out there and tried, right? 

Its said that there is a soul mate our there for everyone. I wrote somewhere that no one ever ends up with their soul mate because by the time they find them, its already too late. Heres the thing though- I think I may have found mine, but I am just not sure I am agreeing with the one picked out for me. Is that horrible of me to say? I blame it on the unfairness of the world choosing for you.