Waiting is what I'll do...

Daniel.

What can I tell you about Daniel? There isn't enough words in the world to describe what he means to me. There are no where near enough experiences that one could have-to compare what he has brought into my life.

With him, it's easy. I don't have to be someone I'm not. I don't have to pretend the world is any different than what it seems. It's almost as if he and I were soul mates. Always meant to share days with one another. Always.

With him, I feel safe. When I say safe, I mean- not on defense mode. I can talk to him and share things with him like no one else. I can give myself entirely to him without expecting or fearing that it will be returned defectively.

With him, things are okay. It does not matter what sort of nonsense the days throw at me, things will be okay. Having him to come home to, at the end of the night- assures me that I don't have to worry. I don't have to question. Everything is going to be okay.

Wow.

After all this time. 

Crazy how the world throws pitches at you when you least expect it. It's even crazier when you get that one pitch that comes right to your glove. Fits perfectly as if it knew it belonged there. 

Almost like being lost, unable to find your way home. That magical...unbelievable night when you finally step foot on the curb. After all the hard roads you've walked. It's the moment you are right where you were always meant to be and you know it.

Can I get my hat back please?

Changes...changes...changes. 

The more you fight them, the more they overwhelm you. 

Be nice to them. 

I can live without you

No one ever said it would be easy.

All too often parents grow to become their children's very best friend. They guide them towards their wants and needs. They don't stop to allow that child to try getting there without them. 

I find myself doing this sometimes. I take it easy on my kids because they are all I have. We are the team. I forget so easily that I am the leader of this team. I am guilty of giving in because I don't want to see them sad. I don't want to upset them. 

But then I think back to my childhood. My parents would not allow me to get away with some of the things many do today. My parents would never allow me to talk back or get what I want simply because I put a sappy face on. 

Id like to think that I try my best most times, but sometimes I am lazy to the idea that I am the one shaping these two. When I lie down for bed at night, I get to thinking. I've got to get this right- right now, before its too late. I will not be one of those parents. I may be raising my children alone, but that is no reason to allow for error. I will not use that as an excuse. I've got this. 

After all, one day I will not be here anymore. I've got to ensure these kids have the mind and matter to be okay without me. 

My poison...my drug...the man that I love

This guy. Just one look from this guy and I melt. Just his name appearing on my phone, I crumble. He has my heart in the palm of his hands, and he knows it. The problem is...I completely hate him.

Since day one, years ago...hiding in that corner.

Here's my dilemma- I need to rid him from my world. How is that possible when so much love exists between the two of us? Its said, that love isn't so pretty behind closed curtains. In my case, its the complete opposite. Its not so pretty being displayed to the world, but behind closed curtains...its absolutely amazing. Who wants to hide behind those curtains though? Not me.

I never in my life imagined that I would be stuck in a place I am currently stuck in. Growing up, I imagined that I would have this perfect life. Now that I am all grown up, I realize that- that was a bunch of BS. This world places all these visions and dreams into your head when you're young. They call it motivation or hope. Motivation to go after these dreams and hope that these dreams will come true. What I have learned- you have to work your ass off to get anywhere near these silly dreams that were once placed into your head.

Back to this guy now though. I made a promise to myself a while back that I was going to rid my life of him. That I was going to live my life without him. No matter how hard it would be, no matter how sad I would be, no matter how much I missed him. Taking the easy road back to him is much better than living with hard days. Succumbing to him is much better than being sad all the time. Missing him was easier when he was beside me.

I thought it was hard to live my life without him in it. Now...its just hard to get him out of my life. I have to do this now, beings that its inevitable down the line anyways, but how? Its like being addicted to drugs. Addicts always think that you can get away with just one last hit. Until that one last hit is all it took to kill them.

I need to figure this out before it strangles me whole.

We love each other, but since when is love- alone, enough?

To take your breath away

Sometimes, maybe even all the times...you don't know what is going through one's mind at any given moment. Be careful with the words and actions you choose...it may just make or break a person.

Someone once told me the importance of my words. The power that my words hold. The strength that is behind each and every thing I say. 

For they are mine and only mine. No one can take your thoughts away. No one can take your voice from you. 

If one tries, show 'em who is boss. 

Go Home

I can't wait to meet you there

These last few days have been hard. Not to say the last few months haven't been...but I am really missing my dad. I am missing him just being here. 

Its crazy to think that its been over 10 months since hes been gone. It feels like the more time that passes, the more of him I lose. The more days that go by, the more he isn't here. If ever in my life I needed my dad, its now. 

I am grateful for the life I have and have had because of him. I am grateful for the family I have been a part of because of him. I am grateful for the person he has raised me to be. I am grateful for the lessons he has taught to me. I am grateful for the nights he filled my world with sound. 

Throughout my days, I look at strangers and wonder why...why do they get to be alive, and my dad doesn't? This world is full of crazy, horrible individuals...but my dad gets taken. My dad. Gone. As much sense that lies between the lines, I refuse to make that sense work for me. Call it denial, being naive, whatever. 

I just miss my dad and want him back. 

Snoring and a roaring

 

This was my life. For nine whole months, this was my life. Who was I kidding?

 

I should have taken my own warning from the get go. I should have stuck with the first 30 day challenge. I should have turned around and walked away when I had the chance. I should have deleted that number, erased those pictures, pretended you didn't exist in my world. I should have saved my time for something greater.

 

Thing is though-

 

I didnt want to listen to those warnings. I hated that 30 day challenge. I loved being in your arms, how could I walk away from that? I couldnt delete that number, I memorized it instead. Those pictures- I love every single on of them. You were my world. Those moments I shared with you, were some of the greatest moments of my life.

 

I now find myself in such debate over what to do. Am I supposed to stick around and play this waiting game? Do I move on to something that will make me happy, something that has been staring me in my face this whole time? How do I give up the greatest love of my entire life without a fight? One year ago today, you fought for me- and won. I can feel it slipping away. Slowly, but surely it moves further away than it was yesterday. The question is though- am I up for this fight?

You've had a taste of it

 

Its crazy to take a step back and reflect on your life. The decisions you make, the places you've been, the people you meet.

This one in particular is my "safety net". When I try to make excuses for keeping this one at arms length, I feel selfish. Selfish that I cannot for the life of me- make up my mind. Selfish that I refuse to share him with the world. I cannot succomb to the idea of being defeated. I know he will make me happy. I know that he would do anything for me. He would die for me.

So why can't I cut these loose ends off around me and just be happy? Why can't I just give up everything else and go for it? This one is a keeper.


It all falls back on the black shirt. He is to blame for everything. My god- I hate him. I am going to regret this later, I always do.

Cheerios

I wish I would have listened and paid more attention to this long ago. This is more true than anything anyone could advise you on.

With my dad, I knew it was bad, but didn't know how bad it really was. As his illness progressed, even though it was obvious, I was in complete denial. Those moments I had with him then, didn't seem like the last. Days turned into months. Towards the end, those minutes with him felt more meaningful than anything in my entire life. 

There are still millions of things I wished I had talked to him about or said to him. Time for those things and talks is now obsolete. It no longer presents itself as an opportunity. But my god! I wish I would have when I had the chance before. 

Don't take these things lightly. Time does eventually run out. 

My great escape

When I think about tomorrow, I get frightened by the mere thought of waking up to it. As the minutes turn into hours within my days, I wait. Patiently, I wait. I'm never completely sure of what it is I am waiting for, but I always like to think that I am waiting for the good in life. Sometimes I'm not clear whether I should be waiting. Most say that you've got to contribute to the world to taste the good in it. They say that just waiting around for this good is a waste of time, and will get you nowhere. 

With the presence of this judgement, I can't help but think- what is it I should be doing? How do I fill the blank days when I don't have the necessities to make something out of it? 

How do I know the difference between what I should be doing and what I could be doing? 

I need some serious guidance here. 

My god! Have I missed the sound of this!

Okay, so I did it. It's only the second day into the year and I've already given up one of my three resolutions.

I know that things aren't different between us. Things are still over, but it's hard. This doesn't change that. 

I tried not to call him. I tried not to text him. I tried not to contact him in any way. I made that one of my resolutions. To get over him. To do this, I would have to force myself to delete him completely from my life. 

But then he texted me. A simple "hello". 

I fought and fought with myself. But I always give into this. I thought, what's the harm?? I dialed his number, then cancelled. Four times. When I finally did it the fifth time, I felt nervous. Nervous. 

It was as though nothing had changed between us. Like it was just a normal thing. It felt so right to talk to him. It was like nothing had happened. 

When you throw out the fact that we are in love with each other, that we were meant to be together, that we were made for each other- it's leaves my best friend. He is my best friend. 

How do you live without your best friend? 

I'm not going to give up this resolution. I'm going to start over again tomorrow without him. I'm going to fight myself when I get that urge to call him. I'm going to pretend he doesn't exist in this world. 

But for an hour today, I had my best friend again. 

I love him, with my entire being. I am so in love with him that I can't think straight sometimes. He isn't good for me though. He's like a bad habit that I cannot kick. Destiny wants us to be together, but pushes us apart at the same time. 

It's going to be a great loss I will have to live with, but

 I will move on without him. 

I want to believe you.

Sometimes, it's hard. 

It's hard to get past the feelings that come pouring out at any given moment. It's hard to move on from something you're not ready to give up just yet. It's hard to have enough strength to walk away. It's hard to go a day without these thoughts consuming my mind.

Sometimes, it's easy. 

It's easy to pretend things don't exist. It's easy to make something out of what it's not. It's easy to be angry at the world. It's easy to let time pass.

Why are the hard ones so easy to fall for? 

Make a face, face.

Me and my sister Jen on New Years Eve. We were funny facing on snapchat with my little brother over his new GF. Silliness. 

Me too!

Love this girl with my whole heart! I am so thankful that this world has given me such greatness. Nothing comes close to comparing how she makes me feel everyday! 

All done??

This would be nice to have! Knowing me, I'd be the one to run from it! What am I going to do with myself! 

I'm old fashion

I fight myself every second of the day because of you. You are in my thoughts, every single one of them. 

I have loved you since the very first day I met you. I fell in love with you in the middle of that parking lot,  as you walked me to my car. It was there that we had our first kiss. I could tell by the look in your eyes that you had fallen just as much as me that night. 

I might live the rest of my life missing you. I might love you until the day I die. 

I fight the urge to call you each day. When something happens in my day, or someone makes me angry, or when I have some big accomplishment that I just want to brag about- those are the moments that I want to share with you, that I have always shared with only you. You were my person. In my heart, you'll always be my person. I have given up not only the person I am completely in love with, but also- my very best friend. 

But here's the thing...

I don't know how yet, but I will learn to live without you. I will learn to wake up without you being there. I will forget the sound of your voice. I will forget the way I fit so perfectly in your arms. I will move past this sadness. I will move past my longing to be close to you. I will get over you. I will forget your name. 

Like it or not, I will move on. 

I just gained an entire year of my life back

I argue with this thought each day. I try to get along with destiny. I try to agree with fate. But sometimes, it's so hard to put your beliefs and faith into something that isn't a guarantee. I'm not the girl who waits around for her chance to come along. I don't have patience for that, or for anything. 

So, the question is this- should I learn to be patient or say to hell with destiny? They both screw you one way or another anyways, don't they? 

You let yourself down

This girl misses her dad. She misses the security of having him in her world. Nothing seems right to her anymore. 

She cries for him. She longs for his company. She dreams of him. 

She doesn't show this to the world. She's too strong for that. She stays in tact so she won't seem scared without him. 

She just misses her dad. That's all. 

I didn't want to have your number. I didn't want your number because I didn't want to have the urge to call you.

Why did you call me?

My New Years resolution- to be good, and do good. 

Wish me luck, I'm going to need it!! 

I might love you my entire life, but I will move on..

I wish I could wake up from this madness. Maybe if I just pretend it doesn't exist, it will get the point? 

Almost

I miss you. Day in and day out. It's a constant battle that I am having with myself. I am going to get over you. It may take a lifetime, but I will do it. 

How do you get over someone who holds so much power over you? How do you move on from that? How do you give up something that you couldn't imagine living a day without? 

I know how.

You live your life. You force yourself to wake up in the morning. You tell yourself that you can get through today. You tell yourself that everything's going to be fine, that tomorrow will be better. You tell yourself these things because no one else is here to say them for you. For it is with those thoughts- that make it bearable for me to live without you. 

Well Hello there Mr. J. Daniels!

My number six. Horrible isn't is??

I missed this question! How was I supposed to know the the answer for- the best a man can get??? I chose a woman. Because...well come on now. 

I've shared some good memories with this one. For some unknown reason it seems as though I'm missing out on something now that I have distance myself from it. It feels like it's going to turn out to be one of those thoughts...years from now- that I wished I wouldn't have given up. 

The world tells you that you've got to give up some good to make room for some great. Let's hope I gave up the right kinda good. I'll wait patiently for my greatness. 

A fat man's escape

Who knew that something as silly as a bowl of ice cream could make your whole day better? 

I miss far too many people each day. I feel an emptiness inside of me where these people used to exist. Ice cream always makes me feel better! 

As long as my pants still fit me, I think I'll be just fine, right? 

Just so you know-

These posts are just a collection of nonsense that builds in my brain. My way of dealing with things and figuring things out is to put them down in black and white. They aren't meant for many people to read. They aren't meant for anyone to read actually.

But- if you've decided to read them, you are not allowed to criticize or think anything different because of them. 

The come back kid

This is what I feel like right about now. Broken, missing pieces, parts of me falling apart and going in their own direction. No chance of recollection on how it all fits back together. 

My entire life, I have always had someone to run back to, when I needed reassurance. I've always had that corner to back into that fixed me, and pushed me out when I was all better. Ready to fight again. 

I find myself at a time in my life when there are no corners. There are no safety nets. There is no where to escape to. 

What's a girl to do?

I don't know how to exist in a world that my dad doesn't...

What I would give to have just one more day with my dad. One more night sitting at the kitchen table, just being goofy. One more evening listening to him play that guitar. One more Colorado story. I'd give my whole world. 

Everyday is scary to go into now. I find myself just wanting my dad. I catch myself thinking about what I wished I could have said to him. Giving him just one more hug. Brushing my face against his. 

I find myself at a complete loss day in and day out, and wanting nothing but to be able to sit with him for a few minutes. Even in complete silence. Knowing that he was around, made me feel safe. It gave me courage to fail. It gave me appreciation for the little things. 

I'm left thinking...

What would my dad think of this? 

Would he approve of what I am doing with my life? 

What would dad say about this? 

What would dad tell me to do? 

...and I'm left with no choice but to miss the most silliest things...guitars, bottle caps, flannel shirts, banjos, straw hats, and the sound of the harmonica playing. 

If its broke, just use duct tape?

I get it. I completely get it. I understand immensely. I get the reasons why men and women wouldn't want to date someone that already has children when they don't. I am in complete agreement that it is a personal choice or preference that all should be entitled to. If a woman doesn't want to date someone because the guy has kids with someone else, or vice versa, then to each his own. I understand the baggage and drama, or the misconceptions of the unknown.

What I don't agree with is getting yourself into a situation of dating someone who has kids, for it to only lead no where, because of the very fact stated. If you know from the get go that you don't want to date or see someone with kids, you don't want to start a family with someone who already has a family, then don't. Find someone else. Do not waste that persons time. Do not take that person for granted. Do not back burner someone for the simple fact that at the moment it works.

Do not wait until you are madly in love with one another to decide this. Do not create something so amazing only to force a complete explosion later.