I woke up today, not knowing where the day was taking me. I'm still without that info right now!!

Some familar road

Well if I have ever doubted that karma exists...I was fucking wrong. My god, I was wrong.

Some may call it GOD doing these things, as its an easy blame or explanation for them, but I don't buy that. Its the consequence of doing wrong to make yourself "happy"...which in turn, bites you in the you know what.

Every decision I have made in the past two months, has been the wrong decision. I didn't know it at the time of course, but it was.  I am now finding myself in an all too familiar spot. A place of pure unhappiness. I have gotten EVERYTHING that I wanted. All the things I wished and hoped for, I have now. Problem is- it's not all it was cracked up to be. Yes, its what I wanted, but its not what I expected.

I find myself miserable, and wanting to find an easy out. Seems I have been doing this "outting" a lot lately. Maybe its the "new me". Who knows.

Maybe all these things I had wished for-for so long, i have gotten so I can experience them, so it won't be added to my list of- woulda, coulda, shoulda. I am so naive to think I have a choice to get back what I had before. How do I get myself into these situations?????

Cuz if we lived a long time ago...

Indeed it is. 

It seems I am always telling myself...let's, but never going through with it. Seems what I have been missing was...that I've got to let go of something, to make room for something else. Its so difficult to cut ties with a normal part of your life. Its only when that normalcy falls into the category of unhappiness that you know what what must be done. Only problem? Its so hard to let go. The build up of strength and courage to leave it takes so much out of me. Call it what you want to...but its hard. 

You're good?

Childhood memories are put away
Set before us as a tease
Wishing to have moments back
Hoping to come and go as you please.

Shames are boxed away
Hiding from all others
Erased of all pieces from the past
Children held far from their mothers.

The houses of our younger age
Are now the home to our foes
Flashed right before us are the times
The sadness comes and goes.

I don't want you to save my life. I want you to WANT to save my life.

I question those I decide to keep in my life each day. I often wonder if I made the right choices. There's really no way to tell whether the decision made was the correct one, until it all plays out. When the chapter ends.

Steinbeck says- "A guy needs somebody - to be near him. A guy goes nuts if he ain't got nobody. Don't make no difference who the guy is, long's he's with you. I tell ya, I tell ya a guy gets too lonely an' he gets sick."

Same thing goes for everyone in this world, or so we're told.

Love missed hate

This is one of those moments in life that I realize now...changed me forever. I still have not been able to determine whether it was a good change, or bad. All change is supposed to be good for you though, right? 

What I do know- I have fallen so completely, madly, and unintentionally in love with you. 

There have been a million moments I have experienced since I've met you that I wished you away. I wished you out of my mind. I wished not to miss you. I wished that you wouldn't leave. I wished that you would share the same feelings. I wished that you'd forget my name. I wished to forgive you. I wished to know your thoughts. I wished you dead. I wished I didn't hate you. I wished I wasn't so wrapped around thoughts of you. I wished I didn't give great things up for you. I wished for you.

I found myself at a point in which I had to give you up. You left me no choice. I knew that you loved me. I knew that you couldn't imagine life without me. I knew I had to move on. It was probably the hardest thing, the hardest choice that I have made in a very long time. I missed you like crazy. I missed your voice. I missed your laugh. I missed your face. I missed you singing to me. I missed you telling me bedtime stories. I missed you yelling at me. I missed chasing you. I missed your eyes staring into mine. I missed hearing your heartbeat. I missed the best part of my days. I missed everything. I missed the love of my life. 

You waited forty days to tell me that you are in love with me. Forty. I still cannot believe you allowed me to be so stubborn for forty days. I asked myself a question a while back about whether you would miss me if I was gone. I was a hundred percent positive that I would never get that answered. One hundred. But I did. I hate the fact that it took me leaving for you to realize this. I hate that I had to cut you off for you to learn how to share those feelings. I hate that you waited until the most inopportune time to jump into the game. I hate that I am still so much in love with you today, as ever, that I was unable to be mad at you. I hate that each day, I want nothing but to be with you. I hate that this crazy life I am living had to go forty days without you. I hate that I have no idea where this love of ours will take us. I hate that you were so stubborn before. I hate you. 

But at the very same time, I am so in love with you. 

Let's go to bed.

In our minds, we create this box. Within this box stands all of those thoughts that you wouldn't dare share with anyone. In this box are memories, fears, experiences, regrets, shame, dissapointments. These- not so few items are your secrets, and yours alone. You learn to make room for this box. You learn to live with its contents, eventually. This box does not contain your finest moments, but they are yours nonetheless. Every so often...this box somehow breaks open and releases emotion and anguish, clarity and resentment. You learn to live with this huge burden that has made itself a home inside.

I guess what I am trying to find here, writing this, is some sort of way to feel okay with storing this box. Mine has to be so full, I can't imagine how it stays closed all the time.

Taking me back

I've got you babe..

So, I can honestly say that I am still right where I started. I am right back into the spot I stood long ago. I am still faced with nonsense that I swore I'd be long gone from. I am still surrounded by those I said I'd leave behind. I am still running in circles day in and day out, wondering what the fuck I am doing with my life. What am I doing?

If you would have asked me five years ago where I'd be today, no way I would have guessed this. I've always heard life works out like this, but didn't really think that to be true.What was I thinking? It's like when your mother tells you not to touch the stove because its hot...then you place your hand nearby to feel the heat. Sometimes you just can't help yourself huh?

Well today, I find myself just as lost, holding just as much sadness as before, but completely in love.

The biggest problem? I constantly ask myself- am I doing the right thing? I was always so confident in my choices,and so brave with the turnouts. Where did I go wrong? I was for sure this was what I wanted. How did I get here? I thought I chose my own path. Is the choice I just made going to be the greatest mistake and regret of my life? It absolutely is.

Do you want to listen to it?

Waiting for someone is hard. Eventually you get to the point of questioning. 

"Is it worth it"? 

At which time is it okay to let go of something you've been committed to for so long? Just when you think you are stuck in the ways of the world that surround you...something great comes along and makes you wonder why you wasted so much time standing on the sides of it. 

I don't know exactly where this will lead me, and I don't know where I want it to go just yet...but I do know that it makes me happy. That's what matters right? 

I've gone through so much nonsense this past year in my life, and I am a thousand times sure that it is not over just yet. With that said...I am ready to be happy again. I am not waiting around. I am not going to be the girl who sits in the corner...full of sadness...waiting for my turn. I will not.

I have to save this

All this time, I had no idea what it was that I was missing. I thought that beings that I was the one playing catch up to the world- that I had to succumb to the fact that I was second best. Little did I know...it only took my not looking and not following...to find where I wanted to be.

This life may not have given me enough good days, and may have dealt me problems that an entire small continent wouldn't be able to handle, but...

I am so thankful for the little bit of good I have in my life. It makes the hard days so much more worth it. It gives me the ambition I need to keep going when I've got nonsense staring me in my face.

On a side note....39 days to go.

Walking the line

There comes a moment in each one's life when the entire space surrounding them becomes quesionable. It's in this moment when you realize that you have wasted so much time and energy on the wrong things.

I found out one week ago that my dad is dying of cancer.  

I remember writing a paper a long time ago...and I may have wrote about this somewhere. The paper was to be written about your biggest fear in life. My biggest fear was- my dad dying before me. The reason was- If I were to die...he would be here to take care of everyone. If he died...who would take care of us all?

Apparently my dad has known that he has had cancer for a little over one year. He hasn't had any treatment as of yet. I did a little research online and I keep coming up with the same information. The survival rate- one year from date of diagnosis. He's going to die.

 I havent spoken to him about it yet, and I'm not sure whether he knows that I know. How do you bring this up in a conversation? I can't think clearly about any of this without completely breaking down, let alone speak about it.

Hello

It feels like I am failing. All around me. Failing.

Everytime it seems as thought things will turn out okay, I get bombarded with something else.

Now I know...I'm not the only one in the world with issues or problems. But- I am the only one in the world that has to live with my own issues and problems. That gives me all right to complain about it.

Will you be my wife?

Darkness follows home the girl

who doesnt know to look behind

shadows hide along beside her

in hopes it- she will not find.

The door opens boldly

as though its been waiting for her

to throw reminders into the air

to show what they once were.

Apprehension?

Now...I already know that I am crazy. I know that there is something mentally wrong with me. If no one had anything wrong with them...everyone would be normal, or perfect. What's the fun in that?

Anyways- I have been experiencing these weird "sightings" lately. Very weird. I haven't been able to chalk it up to any one reason just yet...but I'm still kind of off about what to link it to. 

While driving...I see things that aren't there...or that are there...but in different forms. For instance- a white box truck driving in front of me, I saw it as a white box flipping towards me...came to realize a few seconds later...it was only a white truck driving in front of me. For a moment there- I actually thought this huge white box was rolling towards me. My thoughts for reaction kicked in before my vision clarified what it was seeing. 

Again, (while driving)...I am driving down a back road, surrounded by woods. The tree line up ahead, going around a curve...I thought was the road. My steering turned towards the tree line, not the road. Luckily- it only took about three seconds to correct my judgement of sight...but what could have happened there? 

Lastly- a few mornings ago...I am driving down the road...a blue car is driving in front of me. I look down to grab my drink...and when I looked up- the blue car was speeding towards me...in my lane. I braked really hard, really fast. This only made me look like an ass in front of the cars behind me...because the blue car was still driving like normal in front of me. 

I have read a few books recently over the past couple weeks on the subject of- the brain, and in which way it works. Perceptions, and how they are created through different brain signals. So...maybe my mind is playing tricks on me. Two of these three incidents, I was wearing my prescribed glasses...so I know it wasn't an error in eyesight going on me...or maybe it was?

Throwbackin'

Funny how much my life has changed since these pictures. Who would have thought that the girl's face in these photos would have turned out this way. 

To help us through tomorrow

Things won't change without you. At least not the big important things. Sure, there will be sacrifice, there will be new ways of doing things...but all in all, I have complete confidence- things will be okay. Even when the hope and confidence is not there...you will be the very last to know.



I love you. I love you. I love you.

So...remember that list of regrets? Well I am now able to cross one of them out! Just like I said I would. In the moment of it all, it was amazing. I felt as though- it couldn't get better then this.

And dedicate them all to me...and I will give you all my life...

I have been defeated- I have came to a point in life where I had to give up. I gave up a great part of me. I have had those nights that I cried myself to sleep. I have had the days that I couldn't bear to get out of bed. I have had times that I have hid myself from the world. Mainly because of sadness, or shame, or lack of pride. I have been tossed aside...I have allowed things in my life to get the best of me. It may not have been my greatest lived moments...buts its my life- nonetheless.

I have suffered- I have chosen other's paths instead of my own. I have given many amazing things up for what seems pointless now. I have been second on my priority list. I have back burner-ed my feelings to the point of no forgiveness sometimes. I have gone without happiness to suffice the needs of others. I have known what its like to not matter.

I have known loss- I have had the greatest loss any one human should ever experience. I have had the feeling of numbness. I've been lost in my mind. I have experienced the blankness. The void had grown and made a home inside of my soul. I have grieved for my own created by my own thoughts.

I have built appreciation- For myself...my life...the people I am sharing it with...and the memories I am able to create in the mix. I have learned to accept things I am unable to change and realize that I am surrounded by beauty. I have learned to start my mornings off with staring at the sky...and knowing I am here for reasons.

I have grown sensitivity- I have been able to take my experiences and use them as a cloud to protect judgement...to understand the little things in life...to realize that I am not the only person on earth. I have allowed myself to meet eyes with someone...and to share my thoughts with them...and know that- they aren't all the same. I have given myself the ability to open up...even if I get hurt. No adventure worth while...without a little pain.

Okay....the point????

My point here is- I am an amazing person.

Will you still love me tomorrow?

I very often forget this. No one thinks that...this is it. We are living in our lives...right now...as we speak. We always say- I want to do this in life...I want to be this...I'm waiting for that great opportunity to come along...one day, I'll find someone who will love me...

Well those days may never come. But today- you've got. Take advantage of it. Most won't get too many tomorrows.

Maybeeee....Kindaaaaa....Sortaaaa

I feel like this is the story of my life. Each and everyday...I think to myself...how did I end up here? What brought me to this moment? Never in my mind would I have imagined being here...but for some crazy- who knows reason...I am.

I have lost many things. I have moved on from many people. I have gone in too many directions.

Maybe if I just stand still...be content with all of this...I will end up right where I belong?

"Why wouldn't I want that"?

If i walked away from you today, and stayed away, would you miss me? Would you feel the void? Would there be a void to feel? 

Is there ever a moment when you get the feeling of fear? Fear of losing me? 

I'll add this to the list of unanswered questions that will never get answers. 

The past few days..

These past few days for me...have been a combination of both amazing adventures, and dissapointing findings.

Someone told a story aloud yesterday, that almost brought me to tears. The worse feeling in the world is when you can feel yourself wanting to cry- but you have to hold it back.

Somewhere in the story, it got to the point of explaining how this woman was  giving away her son's clothing. The son had just passed away...and this woman was crying while taking the clothes from off of the hanger.

I remember this feeling. The break down. The pole in the closet four feet from the ground. The space that housed her pretty dresses, and not yet worn outfits. When all was said and done...left empty.

That was probably the first moment I was alone, that I actually felt the reality of it all. She was gone. Her things were gone. No more crying. No more smiles. No more songs.

No more ladybugs. My life as I knew it- was over.




I woke up this morning sad. Given the circumstances and whom I was able to spend my morning with, I should have been the happiest and most content person in the world. But something changed. Magic was lost. Another moment of reality setting in. Staring me in my face.

No more Good nights. My life as I knew it- was over, again.



Its now time to move on. To start from the beginning once again. To build up without giving up. Its going to take a lot of me to get through this. Its going to burn the already burnt out part on me to the point of shutting down.

I once said- I'm not lonely, I'm just alone. That's not really working for me much anymore.

"You're perfect"

I wish that was thought about more often than whats currently going around. Theres a lot of uncertainty at each turn I make. Monster amounts of it. At each stop, there are a lot of different ways to turn...how will I choose???

"It just feels right..."

What am I going to do with him? Life, I couldnt live it without him. I couldnt imagine going to sleep without hearing his voice. Its almost like an addiction we both have for eachother, one that has been continual for a long time now. The only person I feel safe with, which- Ive been told that when you find that safety...you hold onto. Who would of thought the day he let go of that door- that we would be so much a part of one another? The ones to fall together? What fools we both are for not noticing before.

Until I know...I'm just gonna enjoy it, and have a little fun with him.

"It just feels right".

Dirty dishes

So, things may not have turned out much like I had planned...nor has this crazy beautiful path taken me in the direction I was headed...but at the end of the day- I'm still here.

Of all the bad things that have happened to me, all the scary nights I've had, the moments I was at my wits end with life...I have managed to still be here. Best of all, I have done it all by myself.

Life may sometimes knock you down. Time and time again it does this. There are so many lonely nights it dishes out. But each day, the one thing everyone tends to forget- IT GOES ON.

I refuse to let anyone or anything stop me. I will not give up.

Not so easy...

If theres one thing that I am completely horrible at, its forgiving someone. I dont know why, or how I dont possess this ability, or the ability to do it quickly, but I dont.

Nothing wrong with that sometimes, right?