"You're perfect"

I wish that was thought about more often than whats currently going around. Theres a lot of uncertainty at each turn I make. Monster amounts of it. At each stop, there are a lot of different ways to turn...how will I choose???

"It just feels right..."

What am I going to do with him? Life, I couldnt live it without him. I couldnt imagine going to sleep without hearing his voice. Its almost like an addiction we both have for eachother, one that has been continual for a long time now. The only person I feel safe with, which- Ive been told that when you find that safety...you hold onto. Who would of thought the day he let go of that door- that we would be so much a part of one another? The ones to fall together? What fools we both are for not noticing before.

Until I know...I'm just gonna enjoy it, and have a little fun with him.

"It just feels right".

Dirty dishes

So, things may not have turned out much like I had planned...nor has this crazy beautiful path taken me in the direction I was headed...but at the end of the day- I'm still here.

Of all the bad things that have happened to me, all the scary nights I've had, the moments I was at my wits end with life...I have managed to still be here. Best of all, I have done it all by myself.

Life may sometimes knock you down. Time and time again it does this. There are so many lonely nights it dishes out. But each day, the one thing everyone tends to forget- IT GOES ON.

I refuse to let anyone or anything stop me. I will not give up.

Not so easy...

If theres one thing that I am completely horrible at, its forgiving someone. I dont know why, or how I dont possess this ability, or the ability to do it quickly, but I dont.

Nothing wrong with that sometimes, right?

Admit no fault, and it will work out.

Hold no guilt, and it will work out.

Stop it.

Gracie

I sometimes catch myself thinking I must be crazy...for not stopping enough throughout my day to enjoy and be grateful for the things I have in my life. Call it greed, or arrogance, or ignorance. It is what it is.

Seems in the moments when I do, I realize how much amazement I have, just sitting there along side of me. She holds so much power over me, and my thoughts, and decisions. She gives me the confidence of knowing that I don't need anyone else in life to make me happy. She gives me the stregnth to get through hard days, knowing that I get to come home to her. She gives me ambition to be better in anything and everything I do. She gives me courage to leave behind the nonsense in my life, to leave space for greatness.

I couldnt imagine my life without her. My little girl. :)

Pins and Needles

Its what I do apparently. I turn wonderful things into horrible things.

Until next time

I should have known. I should have seen that shirt, and knew from the very beginning. I should have known that he would always be this way.

Even now, I am naive to think it would be any different. Each time I feel as though I'd be okay without him, he does or says something amazing, and I love him all over again. Its almost as though I cant help myself. I always thought that in life, you would end up with the person you were meant to be with. Sure, it would take some effort on both parts. Sure, it wouldn't be as easy as snapping a few fingers. It feels like he is being dangled right smack in front of me, and I cannot touch.

Except that I have. I have experienced him. I have laid beside him. I have been in his arms. I have fallen asleep with him. I have felt him breathing on my neck. I have listened to his heartbeat while I lay upon his chest. I have held his hand.

I have fallen so head over heels in love with someone who is unable to admit the same. I don't want to imagine tonight without him, even though he won't be here. I don't want to imagine the morning, without being in his arms. I don't want to imagine that thought that maybe, just maybe, we will never end up with one another.

When he looks at me, his eyes say that he loves me. When he lays beside me, his body tells me it never wants to leave. When his arms are around me, it tells me that he never wants to let go. When we fall asleep together, it tells me he never wants to wake again without me. When I feel his breathing, it tells me I want to be close enough to hear your thoughts. When I listen to his heartbeat, it tells me this is love. When I hold his hand, it tells me he will never let me go.

But when its time to go, and time to wake up from this perfect cluster of moments, it tells me- Until next time.

Everyone lets you down. It's an uncertain aspect of life that we really don't have much of a choice on.

My thoughts? Fuck you.

Basic human contact grounds you. The wonders of the world huh?

Sitting here, at the table. Fighting to get in bed. Unable to move.

It just came to me. As though you came in, kissed my cheek, and left. I got this feeling. Pure anguish. Pure sadness. Still. I'm not used to being so alone. I am not used to being by myself. Its a dangerous place for me. It leaves me vulnerable to my feelings. I can't handle feelings of any kind very well, and this is so heartbreaking for me. I cant deal with it, not alone.

The universe is pulling me in so many different directions, that I have found myself lost.

I stare at your photo. I remember the specific day. I still keep that hat of yours in my top drawer. It helps me to remember moments when I see it. I have been struggling with that lately, and I am surrounded by nothing that helps me.

Pointless

While away, a few weeks ago...I planned on visiting this "new family" of mine. Although it wasnt the ideal time, or surroundings...settings...whatever...I was going to do it. I was going to be bold and get it over with. Little did I know, they werent what I thought they were. What I found out, made me want nothing to do with them. It made me kinda realize that- maybe I didn't miss much?

But then I remember...the impact that someone like myself could have on any one person. Would it have been different if I was included into their lives? Would things be better, worse, the same?

Then I focus to reality, and remember that woulda-coulda-shoulda...is a waste of my time. Right?

One little slip

Confusion will make someone turn someone else's life upside down. Quit it with the confusion, would ya? 

I miss your face. I often wake up to wondering where you are. Do you still look the same? Have we met again? Something like that, you'd think I'd know about, I'd feel, right? Well I'm searching.

Screwed

Do I stick with it or move on? Do I continue to be patient with my days, or discontinue this waiting game? Do I allow myself to feel like less of a person to appease someone else's time, or go forward with my own? Do I keep letting others create who I am,  or do I forgive, forget, and do whats best for me?

Is this life's punishment to me? Is it catching me up for everything I missed out on growing up?

No one warns you that things like this could happen, and even though I warned myself- I wasn't listening.

Bada Bingggg

Ughh!!! I wanna kill him and kiss him at the same time! Just not in the creepy kinda way...

Sunshine

Sometimes...you've got to dance with the tigers..

So heres the thing...I put myself out there, time and time again. Unknowingly of course. And stupid me thought it was normal to put forth so much with no return. Mistakes learned from poor decision making seem to be my forte. Not anymore.

GONE

Just when I think I've got it under control, things completely get away from me. Its exhausting to try and catch everything all at once. Doesn't mean I have to give up right?

These last few months have been hard for me. It seems I am slowly losing details of some of the most precious things I have always held onto. This step to grief is not forewarned in any book, or any list. When I lost her, I must have read a hundred books of grieving, and how to deal with it. Mainly because I wanted to make sure that what I was feeling, was normal. To know that someone else in this world had the same feelings was almost comforting to me. This- what I am feeling lately, was never mentioned.

Seems I think of something new each day that I question. How did we spend Valentines Day? What color was her very first outfit she wore? What kind of shoes did she wear? Did she ever wear shoes? How many baths did she have? What did her hair smell like? Did she sleep through the night when she was first born? How many times did she laugh? What was her favorite thing to see?

This list could go on for hours.

Its hard to not have a grasp on something so important. It leaves me struggling to find answers. It leaves me angry with myself for not remembering.

Right before she passed away, I took one of my computers into a repair shop. Something about the sound card wasn't working. I don't remember that either...but anyways, this computer- it had pictures of her on there. It had some sort of voice recordings of my son playing with her, it had "memories" of her on it. Anyways, in the mix of everything that happened, I forgot about the computer. I forgot that I had dropped it off. It must have been two months before I remembered that I had dropped it off. I remember I was packing her things. Her tiny, new things. Then it came to me. I immediately jumped up off of the floor. I was already a mess as it was. I panicked. I jumped in my car and drove to the computer repair shop. When I got there, I ran in frantic. Tears streaming from my eyes.

It was gone.

The woman told me that when repairs aren't picked up in thirty days, they get destroyed.

GONE.

I was beside myself. I must have sat there, in front of the shop for maybe two hours. Sitting there on the sidewalk. It was gone. She was gone. Everything was gone. 

My point in mentioning this is that the only thing I have left to go on is memory. It scares the hell out of me when I am unable to recollect those thoughts.  

Ava

I had this strange and scary dream a few nights ago. Normally, a few moments after waking up, I forget about my dreams, or I dont put too much thought into them. This one, I cant stop thinking about.

I was in some sort of field, there were squares of crates filled with hay. Not sure what this place was. In my dream, I get some sort of feeling about Ava. I go straight to my sister, and yell- Where is she? Where is she? What kind of mother are you! Find her now! Why aren't you looking???  In my head, I already knew she was gone somehow. Like I accepted it and was righteous about the fact that Ava was gone. In the dream- I was right. I found her. She lay there in the crate. Breathless. I immediately jump back, and cry. Then I wake up. Kind of..I was still asleep, but my thoughts were still asleep. I frantically thought- Where is Ciara....where is she. Then someone (I dont know who) gave me the look of sadness. I went directly into grief mode. As though- she had already been gone, and I lost her all over again. I woke up from that unsure of where I was. It took me a few moments to recollect things.

So...I woke up for real this time...finally...when I realized it was just a dream...my initial feeling was- wow...thank you...I am so grateful to have her. I walked into Ciara's bedroom and held her so tight. She woke up and said to me- Good morning mommy. I love you.

I am not sure what any of this has to do with anything. I do know that it isnt normal for me to be dreaming about children dying. I really hope this dream wasn't an indication of anything. It was so clear and vivid.

Hard to love

This is what I do. I push away those that love me.

For one specific...

HAD TO DELETE.