So heres my thing. If you are going to include yourself into my life, do not waste my time. I consider myself a pretty great person, who has the entire world at my fingertips. I do not take my life for granted. I do not take my time for granted. Do not waste my time.

You will either be in it, or not. Its that simple. If you make it personal, then thats including yourself. Do not make it personal unless you are willing and ready to join in. I do not juggle myself or my life or my time with things that will mean nothing to me tomorrow.

With that being said, if you don't want to mean anything to me tomorrow, then do not waste my time with your presence today.

Heres what my horoscope says for tomorrow....

"You're the master of new possibilities, so show someone something they just can't resist."

OMFG. What is this supposed to mean?

A Dream Within A Dream


Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

-Edgar Allan Poe

social relations involving authority or power

Thats politics for ya. If only everything were that easy.

You get this one person, who gets this one idea. This person does what he has to do to implement it. At all costs. It doesnt matter to him that the business he has just shut down supplies twenty people with jobs, who all have families counting on them. It doesnt matter to him that the money that is getting paid to these "shut outs" could change someone else's life, could allow the man beside him on the train to have a good meal, or be able to feed his young children. It doesnt matter to him that the benefits of 30% of people will be exhausted in months. That is, if they were able to afford it, now that they are unemployed.

People piss me off. Is there nothing better that these efforts could be going to?

This man, who had this big brilliant idea is not the enemy. The enemy is power. Given too much, it turns to danger.

...when you're lost in your own head

Its really sad to think that in an instant, you can be lost inside your own head. Your thoughts, your mind, your very being, is gone. How scary would that be? I guess if you were like this, it really wouldn't be scary, because you wouldn't know the difference. To even think about it, brings fear. What if you woke up tomorrow and didn't remember your own name, or where you lived at, or who your family was. Its sad to think that this happens everyday to a lot of people.

Whats more terrifying is to know that this could happen to someone you know. It turns them into someone you don't know. It could take away your best friend, who will you tell all of your secrets to? Your father, who would you get midnight advice from? Or your spouse, who would you lean on? Just imagine that. How would you be able to deal with not having them anymore? It wouldn't be so much like the loss of a death, but its pretty damn close.

There isn't enough awareness out there for this. How come?

Today...I smiled, cried, laughed. At the end of the day, its still there. It doesnt go away.

I didnt think it would be like this. I got through last week pretty good. Now, I dont know. It feels like it is coming down strong right now. Kind of like its trying to weigh me down to the point that I'm not going to be able to hold it. Is it nonsense? I wish I knew.

I miss her. I feel her watching. I hear her laugh at night. I see her everywhere.

I'm angry. I'm confused. I'm even beside myself at times. Its hard to fight it off. Especially on days like this. It feels like it was just yesterday. I woke up, easter morning, and she was gone. Those baskets would sit untouched on the table for three weeks.

I'm sad, but being sad is okay sometimes.

All my loving..

I will send to you...just close your eyes...

Jealousy. Its a horrible attribute to have. It may just be the one and only downfall that could pretty much turn anything into a bad thing. I guess it depends on what its stemmed from. The situation at hand. Sometimes it can be oblivious to the mind and eyes, but in those cases, its probably excused.

I don't have this. Jealousy is for the weak. I am not weak.

Better luck next time.

If youre gonna be there. Be there.

I dont want here and there. I dont want just anywhere. I dont want to even care.

Dr. Suess? I hope not.

Acceptance

Acceptance doesnt happen often. Especially when you are stubborn and rightous like I am. Accepting something that i dont want to accept is almost like giving up. I dont give up.

Easter is sneaking up on me. The worst part of this holiday is that it is on a different day each year. Someone once said to me...At least Easter wont be on the same day next year, so maybe you'll get to enjoy it. It doesnt work like that. It just takes my one day of sadness and grief and splits it between two. Whats so great about that?

To mourn is to feel something. To feel something means to allow. Allowing something that brings so much sorrow to oneself, can only lead to one place. Sadness.

Anyways, its BT.

Only ONE more day left.

Its late. My eyes feel heavy. I need to sleep. Please ignore my nonsense.

Today was a good day. Its easy to get caught up into madness. Lucky for me, this madness works as my distraction. Its nice to have that. Especially today. I overslept this morning...so I missed out on my walk. I didnt really feel like I missed much of it though. Its a good feeling when you go away from all that is normal. You sometimes have to do that to keep your mind off of things you'd rather not think about.

I hesitated. What the fuck was I thinking?

two more days. close my eyes. two more days.

Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.

6 days.

I drove by there last night. Its kind of when you walk past someone you know and don't say one word. You think in your head...maybe they didnt see me...or they werent paying attention...or you will make it up later...

 Who am i kidding?
 It shadowed me for a minute. But i was good.

Be careful what you say to me. I may believe it when you do.

three hours. omg. again.

Whatta day.

Had to get me thinking huh?


My horoscope for tomorrow says...Be prepared for anything. Frighten with you knowledge, captivate them with your insight, and rock them with your world.


Hmm...could be interesting...

Seven more days...its sneaking up on me.

In eight days will things be better? No. It will just be one less thing to have to deal with. By dealing with, I mean get through. Either which way, I've got this.

So...I have this second wedding..that I am photographing. This time...its someone I actually know...personally. Which pretty much means I cannot get out of it. The wedding is on the beach, which is fine, kind of typical, but its their thing. Anyways, the reception is on a boat. How am I supposed to do that? Thats probably one of very few things I am afraid of. I know its stupid, and kind of crazy. I have to go twice before the wedding, which means I'm going to probably faint and die twice.

http://www.youtube.com/user/grassrootsgurl?feature=mhum

On the streets of...

They fell in love...or so I'm told?

Chances are..

My day was ok today. Notice i did not say good or bad...

I just finished up negatives, there were soooo many. At least thats done. Now for the actual work. Does it never end?

Anyways, I started my letter back to "Jimmy" last night. Because of course, I couldnt sleep. Its hard to know what to say back. Its hard to believe that I even write back. Who would have thought? Its not easy finding someone who I can say...what would u do?...most people tell me to forget about it, a few tell me to jump in. So who knows.

Nine days left.

I had to delete that one...

Im going to do a little bit of something thats gonna make u do a little bit of something and then its gonna be a little bit of...

Whatta way to start out my day.

So...I got a little bit more of a surprise today than I thought I would. Not sure how to take it, but I'm taking it. It's funny how things work out isn't it?

I'm thinking of a late night trip....hmmm...guess we'll see.

Til then!

AND KNOWING WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU DON"T... :)

Really...?

Pissed off meeeeeee

Heres what my horoscope tells me today....

Dare to dream -- you may just stumble on something that rocks your dull world.


Is that supposed to to offend me and excite me all in one sentence???

This morning

This morning

I soooo had to delete this one. OMG.

I have not forgot.

When you have enough good days, you think things are going to be okay. It comes and goes a lot. Just so happens it came today. It puts me in a stand still for a few moments. Its kinda of like a shadow that overcomes you, like the feeling you get when you thought of the solution, when your brain clicks and says wow...I think I got it. Except this is the opposite of getting it. This is the-Yes I know you are still here...I know that it happened...I have not forgot...

It is so hard getting through this pause. It only lasts a second or two, but its hard.

The universe makes it look so easy. A mass amount of people have died. Those who are "involved" in those deaths, they are in shock, they mourn, they grieve, they accept. You look at someone with a naked eye whos had to deal with this, and from the outside looking in...its almost like...give them time, things will be normal again, and they will be back to the way they are supposed to be. It doesnt happen that way. Things are never normal again. People are never themselves again.

The worse thing that this universe could place upon you is the loss of your child. It is unbearable. It is a weight you carry around with you forever. You do this because this weight, is what you have of your child. Its what is left of your child, and you simply cannot walk without them.