No feelings left

The road you walk alone
is the darkest path at night
You reach out your hand
Clearly not up for the fight.

Thoughts cloud the light
leaving you blind
The weight of the pain
always keeps you behind.



I sure hope the world tells me when to get it over this. Otherwise, I'll never look elsewhere.

I didn't know it would be today

I miss my dad tonight. A few minutes ago, I sat outside on the front steps and spoke to him. I'd give the world if I had it, to hear him speak back. You never really quite know what to say to a loved one when they are dying. You focus so much energy on being there, in their presence, making sure they are okay. Your brain goes into this hole that shows no light. There is no way out because you know what the future for this loved one holds.

When this happens, you lose your ability to think clearly and concisely. You forget the important stuff. The questions you wanted to ask. The advice you will need for later. The memories spoken just once more.

Eventually, you accept it. You do this because you have to, there is no choice in it. Accepting it isn't the same as being okay with it though. It doesn't mean you understand. You have moments throughout your life that you are automatically going to go to that place your loved one once was. The place your routine is used to. Days, weeks, years. It doesn't matter how much time has passed. Your mind will always go to them.

Its in these instances that your heart breaks over and over again. Sometimes to the point of feeling huge weights on your chest, as if you may choke.

Reality...what a terrible thing.

When your little, you always look to your dad. The most important man in your life. You want to make him proud. You want to make him happy. You want him to know he has raised you the right way. You want to show him that you've created greatness from the life he gave to you.

Just because my dad is dead doesn't mean its okay for me to forget this. I still want him to be proud of me. I want to show him I was worth it. That he made a difference.

Then I have days like today.

Today, someone that I love was very mean to me. They called me horrible names. They physically harmed me. They made me feel like I was nothing. They degraded me so low that for a while tonight I didn't think I'd be able to dig out.

While this was happening, I was embarrassed. I embarrassed myself. I allowed the actions of another to control me. I allowed them to pull me down to their level. I allowed this monster to come into my life. I allowed myself to love this person.

Reflecting now, only hours later...I get to thinking...

What would dad think of all of this?

The answer to that question is the answer I needed to remember in order to know where to go from here.

So...here I am, two years, four months, and five days after my dad's death...and he is still there for me. He is still lending me his guidance.

Who would have thought that possible?

Where God will bless our love once again

Don't fall in love. In fact, don't even think about the mere thought of love.

People will tell you that the love, in the moment makes it all worth it. That it makes all the loneliness, pain, sadness, etc..worth it. One even says- Its better to have loved than to never have loved at all.

I call BS on all of this.

I've been in love. I have known love. I have drowned in this said love.

I have had that feeling of being lost within another. The feeling of safety, as though the entire world didn't matter around me, because I was in love. I have felt what its like to be in the arms of someone you love. The warmth, the security. I have been told how amazing and beautiful I am by the one I love. I have held hands, experienced being together. I have laid beside the one I love and felt at peace. I have share moments of laughter, I have danced with the one I love. I have been mesmerized by eyes and I have found times where I just smile for no reason because of this love.

I have experienced every corner, every shadow, every inch of love and being intertwined within it.

 

I'm here to tell you, its not worth it. Do not do it. In fact, run from it.

 

Love will kill you. Little by little.

 

You will not recognize the self of yours that you've spent your entire life building up. It will break you. It will deteriorate into nothing. You will end up being nothing.

 

Love is BS.

Don't share your devils with me

Once- there lived a young boy, a young choir boy. He worked within the walls of the churches- singing, laughing, dreaming. This is where his goals were born. He wanted happiness. He wanted a life filled with love and joy, friendship and faith. He yearned to explore the world that surrounded the small town he grew up in. He knew greatness existed out there,  he just had to find it.

...to be continued. 

At least I careD

 I miss being a kid. I miss the ease of life. I miss when these crazy huge decisions weren't thrown into the mix of my world. I miss being innocent. 

I didn't have to worry about whether I loved him enough, appreciated him enough, or put enough greatness into his day. I didn't have to succumb to being let down each day. A while back, someone said to me-  "you let yourself down". I try to remember that line nowadays when I get disappointed. I've come to realize that- to put my destiny into someone else's hands, to put my hunger and hopes into another's free will...is just wrong. Only I am responsible for how my day turns out. I cannot blame others.  

I fight each day with myself to dredge on. To make it through another day. That tomorrow will be better. I say to myself- "don't give up today". The problem here is...it's getting tougher each day to recite those words to myself. It's even harder to force myself to listen. 

it can happen

At which point do you know when this needs to happen? When is it time to move on? Does the universe send a sign? Does it smack you in the face, making it hurt this time? 

There is a moment in every relationship you come across- when you are faced with this questionable reality. A moment that many fear. Some may even deny it while others forbid the very thought  from existing in their world. 

So what does that say about the ones that face this reality? Right or wrong, whether its destined or not. Are these people stronger for being able to see and acknowledge this, or are they stupid for allowing these thoughts to enter their mind. 

Breakdown

One of the worst feelings in the world is when there isn't a soul in the world that has faith in you. When you, yourself, feel hopeless. When you wake up in the morning and don't want to face the day. When you realize that the life you've made for yourself really is a bucket of nothing. When the bad far outweighs the good because good does not exist.

This weight is unbearable. Its unfair. This is when you are stuck. It's in this moment when you find yourself wondering if you are up for the fight. Is the fight worth it? How can you be sure you want to fight? The fear of not knowing if it will work stops you in your tracks. It's like staring down that barrel, in hopes it won't shoot. Hope is hard to come by though, so you fail to have the desire to stare.

I try to understand the reasoning behind the struggles I am faced with. Why is this happening? What did I do to get myself into this mess? How could I have avoided it? How do I get out of it? Can I get out of it? Will things ever be better? Will I ever be content?

Do whatever you want

He doesn't know ME. That- in itself is completely obvious. He doesn't know my favorites, things I dislike, my dreams. He doesn't know my habits, my hobbies, my sadness. He doesn't know what angers me or what makes me happy. He doesn't know how my sentences will end or how I feel on Tuesdays. He doesn't know how much pain I've endured that made me this way. He doesn't know the darkness that lives inside of me. He doesn't know how hard I've fought to be myself in a world that questions that. He doesn't know how bold I can be when I feel the need. He doesn't know deep I love when I love. He doesn't know how much it took for me to open up and not be alone anymore. He doesn't know how much I struggle daily. He doesn't know the guilt that has made a home within me. He doesn't know the grief I live with everyday. He doesn't know I don't take pictures anymore. He doesn't know I don't write anymore. He doesn't know I am at war with myself. He doesn't know I enjoy chaos. He doesn't know I think I am not beautiful. He doesn't know I feel unwanted. He doesn't know the reasons behind my decisions. He doesn't know what exactly is important to me. He doesn't know why I am often content with nothing. He doesn't know I cry everyday. He doesn't know I long for him when he is sitting beside me. He doesn't know I'm scared of the dark. He doesn't know the lengths in which I'd go to make him happy. He doesn't know that his words hurt me. He doesn't know that I want nothing more than to be with him. He doesn't know that the dreams I have at night come true, and the ones I have during the day- don't. 

Maybe none of this matters to him. Maybe he is content with not knowing. 

But how can he love me and not even know me? 

Illumination

My biggest fear right now- dying with sadness. Throughout your life you eventually do learn what to hold on to and what to rid your life of. I've always thought it would be easy to rid my life of sadness when the time came for it to be gone. The problem I always glanced past was- What if the very same source of sadness is what also provides the most happiness? How do you know which one outweighs the other? What if neither side bears more than the other? Do you keep both? Do you leave both? 

Its so easy to look through this specific problem during the sad days. When you are at your wits end with life, you are in dire need of something positive to happen or something to light your world on fire. It is so easy to give in to those wants. Its when you get to the edge of that cliff that your mind chimes in saying- "Wait, what about the greatness that lies within this land, let's not forget about that". That's when you have to stop and think about it. That's when the decisions play tug of war with your heart. 

And it hurts. Unbearable pain that I'd wish on no one. No one. 

Dear Daniel

Today-

You've made me feel worthless. Throughout the past few months, I have begun to belittle myself to suffice you and your opinions of how things are supposed to be.

You have made me feel ugly. Inside and out. I- right this very moment, feel ugly. You have given me no other inkling that I should feel otherwise. You have made this extremely clear to me. In your eyes, I am ugly.

You have made me feel unwanted. You have turned your back many times when my back needed yours. You have looked passed my sadness and pretended it didn't exist. You have chosen so many other options before ever thinking of choosing me.

You have made me feel stupid. You have taken my feelings and turned them into mud. You have called me a baby when I was sad. You told me I was a complainer when I felt ill. You  have closed your eyes at the mere thought of having to listen to my "ramble".

You have made me feel unappreciated. You have taken for granted the very things I do to make you happy. You have taken my hand and dropped it when it no longer satisfied your needs in that moment. You have taken from me so much I cannot get back and never once have you said thank you.

You have made me feel hopeless. You have heard my struggles and still continue to bypass them. You have made excuses as to why things will never change. You have told me you cannot help this. You have promised me the world, but I have yet to see this world in which you speak of.

You have made me feel lonely. You have sat beside me unbeknownst to you though...I was beside you. You have turned around when I faced you. You have shown a desire for something great when I was there the whole time.


One day- you will wish that you hadn't made me feel worthless. You will see me shine, but will no longer be in my light.

One day- you will wish you hadn't made me feel ugly. When you are facing this dark and harsh world alone, you will look back and see how beautiful I really am. By then, it will be too late.

One day- you will wish that you hadn't made me feel stupid. There will come a day when you will need my guidance and knowledge. This will have already run out for you.

One day- you will wish that you hadn't made me feel unappreciated. When you are staring at an empty bed at night, you will hurt for me to be there. You will miss me when I am not there.

One day- you will wish that you hadn't made me feel hopeless. When my dreams are coming true and you are only a bystander, you will yearn to be a part of my greatness. I won't be so kind as to share it anymore though.

One day- you will wish that you hadn't made me feel lonely. When you are reaching out for a hand to hold, someone to get you through the day- I will be holding my own hands. I will have no spare hands left for you.