i seriously got this message from my brother. wtf?

hey psycho. u hiding from the cops or something, cause uve gone m.i.a. everything ok?

Jimmy

So...Ive been trying to write this letter to this new dad of mine. Its hard. Its really hard. Everytime i start writing to him, i get mad at myself for even doing it to begin with. I am such a chicken. I need to learn how to be mean more often. This is what I have so far...


Dear Jimmy
     So, I know that i've never spoken to you, or seen you, but they say your my dad. My biological dad. Its kinda hard not to believe considering I look so much like ur daughters. I'm still very confused about things. I feel helpless. I feel like no one can answer the thousands of questions I have. But at the same time, it almost seems like I shouldn't care. I am not a little girl right now. I am completely grown up. Why now? Why would something like this surface only now? Its been 26 years, I went 26 years without knowing a thing about it. Or maybe just ignorant to the fact that it was a possibility. My head is taking me back and forth with this. I cannot make a decision, which is very out of character for me.
     I am 26 years old. I have two beautiful children. Two children, that pretty much define who I am today. My son, Nicholas, is 10 years old. He is bright, and wonderful. He is caring, and very sensitive. He is my heart. My daughter, Ciara, is 3 years old. She is the greatest gift that God could ever have given to me. Of all the bad that has happened to me, I dont resent him for, only because I have her. She is beautiful, and smart. She is full of wonders and amazement. She is me, a spitting image of myself at that age I'm sure.
I grew up with a pretty good life. It wasn't always the best, but it was mine, and I made it the best. I have 5 brothers and sisters, all of which look nothing like me. My parents never brought things like this up, and I am almost thankful for it. I am so grateful to have my siblings though. They have brought me so much good and bad, that I could never imagine living life without them. They were my best friends growing up. They were there. Even now, they are there for me. So, in a way, it was a blessing that I never knew, and that things ended up this way.

4:45 AM

So, I wake up to him being such an asshole at 4:45 AM. Then he says to me...im leaving. He is still drinking from the night before, mind you. He doesnt make any sense in anything he says, but because he was drunk and on "shit", he does to himself. So, he says, this isnt gonna work out u know, its been like this for some time. I take my phone, roll back over and go to sleep. I wake up at 6 AM with my alarm to get up for work...and threw his ass out. I want to beat the "shit" outta him so he can turn back into the great person he once was.

Sun Sep 5

Gotta love my Mr. Blue.  :)

To Death and Once Again

If there was once a place
in which you could go to
to make the world light up
and make the sky be blue.
This place is something
you could run to after pain
somewhere that could
never make you go insane.
You wouldnt have to worry
at the deeds that you did wrong
you never knew before
but this place was there all along.
Its like a continuing of life
just in a different place
nothing bad about it
to this, you'd have on a brighter face.

Untitled

Not such a great life
as you define yourself as you do
im surprised you keep yourself together
by saying because of you
But the because does not suit
theres something hidden behind
something that is the hardest
thing inside your past to find
I cant say i know what your feeling
or what you went through
i know that when you tell me
theres nothing i can do
To have a childhood
filled with pain and fear
you shouldnt of had to go through that
especially in such early years
But look where you are now
as you grown to be an adult,how?
you have so many things going for you
so forget the past and focus on now

Wed Sep 1

As i think about it
i realize it was meant to be
everyone knew it
and you, again, i'll never see.
Cause you have gone
through heaven's gates,
how or why? i dont know
how come to it, u made no debates?
I just have a few questions
that my mind can't fit together
like why didnt you fight
didnt you want to live forever?
Didnt you have dreams
of who you'de be in the future
you couldve been anything
but i guess thats not a cure.
I dont know
i guess its too late to ask why
because you left, and died
ever before i got to say to you bye.

So, its a little after noon time, ive already gotten pissed off twice, cussed the bf out, and havent gotten one productive thing done! What to do...what to do??

A day to celebrate
when our nation won the score
a time spent to remember
the brave men of the war.
These men, they left their homes
their lives, their family
to go off in the darkness
to fight for our country.
This day is not just for
the ones who survived
it is also to celebrate
all the men that have died.
They fought for their nation
with pride in their eyes
hey fought with their heads held up
but some fled with goodbyes.
Known today, as Veterans Day
about the ones who sacrificed and died
as well as the great men
who fought, and survived.

Someone once sent this to me...never read it...found it one year later..

Round and Round.

When you aren't around
my feet touch the ground
and though this sudden landing has made me faint
not having you with me is my only complaint
When you aren't around
its so easy to wear a frown
much like my better half is gone
i feel like no ones here, i feel alone.
When you aren't around
my spirits feel down
like a kite with to much weight
i've taken all i can take.
When you aren't around
i experience a sorrow so renown
that i can scarcly do a thing
but thats the pain loneliness brings.
I know its only been a day since we last talked
but i don't like going that long without saying hi
and i know its a battle thats worth being fought
i just wanted you to know..

when you aren't around, my heart cries

Sun Aug 29

Nadda.

you gotta be kidding me

So my day today went pretty smoothly. With the exception of the last few hours. I woke up on time, did everything I needed to do. If only everyday could be so good. I didn't get one word from the one I wanted one word from, but other than that, it was nice. You know those moments you have throughout your day when u think to yourself..."you gotta be kidding me"....well I had a whole lot of those. It amazes me how many people bring that thought to my mind. Its unbelievable. But then again, I'm sure I do the same to everyone else. So like the saying admits........whats comes around, goes around.

Evening thought...When you love someone, how far are you supposed to go for them? When is enough, enough? You share your life with this someone, you give them your all. When do you decide that what you're getting back in return just isn't enough? When you start to feel something inside die, does that mean you should let go? Or...is that when you fight even harder to keep this love. What is considered out of control love? What is the difference between out-of-control-love, and love-out-of-control? Where do those boundaries lie...have they been layed down...do they exist...oh so many questions I have!!!

Sat Aug 28

Nada.

No Ridicule

 I don't know how you do it
Or even if its done
Living like that
Can't be much fun.
Can't see how you put up with it
Surprised you're not gone
Who knows, maybe you love it
Or you just can't move on.
I will not ridicule
I will not disagree
I will not scream or fight
But hey that's just me.
It is your choice
To stay or let go
Just can't help but wonder
Why you didn't say no.
Maybe you have your reasons
But I also have mine
I want to see you happy
I want to see you "fine".

My Pretty Little Girl

Its been 4 years, 4 months, and 10 days. It sounds like so long ago. Every detail is still etched into my mind. I can't remember what I did yesterday, not for the life of me. But the details, of this, so long ago, I remember. The by far- worst day of my life. I guess that would be hard to forget, huh? Everyone told me, just give it time. Everything will be ok. Give it time, you will feel better. Give it time, things will work themselves out. Well things are not ok, I do not feel better, and it sometimes seems like nothing works out. How can I stop missing her? She may not be here, and her things, her clothes, her stuff...may not be in plain sight, but shes here. She is within me, each and every second of everyday. I wake up with her, and get through my day with her, I work hard with her, I go to sleep with her, I dream with her, I have nightmares with her. She is in my heart, in my soul, on my mind, and isn't going anywhere. I couldn't live without her then, and now that she is gone, I continue to not be able to live without her. I take her with me, wherever I go. There is so much guilt, and pressure, and sadness within me. I put on a pretty face in the morning, I smile when I am expected to. I put an image out of myself, that I am ok, that I do feel better, that I can work things out. But its a fake. Inside, I am guilt stricken. I am sad, and sad a lot. My beautiful baby girl would be 4 years old right now. It shadows me. It hurts me. It saddens me. She was taken from me. Its said, that God doesn't do things without reasons. Well God, I'm still waiting for those reasons. I'm still waiting to know why you took my beautiful little girl from me. If this God really existed, and did these things, purposely, then how can so many people in this crazy screwed up world look up to him. Look up to him for anything. Makes no sense.

           Meeting sister for the very first time. Amazing.


Hey I think it is so cool I knew all of them when I was 16 that was the first time we all met, I would see Dad around here and there like while I was waiting for the bus for school I am so glad to have the oppurtunity to build relationships with everyone, I look forward to meeting you and my neice and nephew. and Melissa as well I have never met her yet either and the 3 of us are so close I just don't drive right now but we will have to figure something out. That is crazy that you guys went to school together. How did you find out that dad was your dad? That man sure got around back in his day. LOL Anyway I havve a 9 yr old also Kyle and just recently got married about 5 weeks ago we live over in Parkside I invited Melissa to come to my reception party on 8/29 I am hoping she will be able to make it I would love it if you and your kids could make it as well!! There is an inground pool and horeshoes and basketball lots of food and drinks so let me know if you can make it that would be really awesome!! Have fun at lunch tell Melissa I said HI. get back to me babe.  --Carrie

Wow

It gets me everytime. Whats a girl to do??

Some Lazy Thursdays Going On

So...I went into my day, excited to begin it. Unsure of what I'd be doing. Nervous to experience new things. Worried about certain people. Missing one small person. Mad I woke up later than I planned. Afraid I was missing out on more important stuff. Upset with the one person that is always supposed to be there for me. I was a whole bunch of everything all jumbled into one person waking up and beginning their day. So I dealt with it, with much appreciation, outstanding enthusiasm, and impressive reaction as any one person could have. I didn't learn much. I wasn't surprised by much. The only thing that stuck with me throughout my whole day was his eyes. Those "deep" eyes. Those" somewhat guilty" eyes. Those "pulling me in" eyes. Those "nervous" eyes. Those "confident" eyes. Those "cocky" eyes. Those "strong" eyes. Those eyes. Its ashame that all I got to see was the back of those eyes. My day probably wouldnt have ended the way it has if I had. I wouldn't be sad, or blank, or blah. I set myself up for things like this. I did it to myself. What was I suppose to expect. My expectations are completely unreasonable. I may very well be one crazy person, but this HE does it to me, and he knows he does. He secretly takes it for granted, and I know. Emotional affairs are for the birds. Lookout trees, here I come!

So my "real" dad is in the hospital. Im not sure whats going on there, but i'm debating on whether to call him or not. If i called now, it would be a pity call right? But, if something bad happens, and he doesnt make it...I'll have to live with NEVER having spoke one word to my "real" dad, NEVER hearing his voice. Is that something I'm willing to live with?

Its gonna be a looonnng day. What i was waiting for though...right?

My test for class

Part of me is scarlet red
loving and caring
solid and daring
speaking mind, and my thought sharing.
But there is something different inside
blue like the ocean tides.
Open and loyal
fearless and free
quiet and deep, when alone just me.
Yet the two are, both true
all my own way
nothing like you.

Can my night get any worse? I just was led to believe that my sister was dead. No one would confirm or deny. What do u do in a situation like that? I even had that feeling, that u get, when someone that close to u dies. That blankness. It could only be understood by someone who has gone through it. It was very familiar to me. I wasnt sad, i wasnt mad, i wasnt happy, i wasnt anything. I was blank. Now what?

People can be real assholes. You can catch someone doing wrong things, almost every time, if you get them at the right time. Supposed to be surprising? Well its not. There wasnt even guilt in his eyes.

So, yesterday was fathers day. I worked, of course. I am so glad I didnt let it get to me. My dad is my dad. Nothing will change that, and it doesnt matter who this other guy is, I refuse to let it get to me. So I spent my night last night trying to find the perfect fathers day gift for my dad. Me and Ciara went out looking. If it were up to her, he would've gotten a box of juice, and some lolli pops. But after the third place, I found the perfect gift. It was a book, a music/lyric book of Neil Young. My dad loves Neil Young. He also loves playing his guitars. So I gave it to him last night, with the most simple and to the point card I could find. He loved it. He stayed up all night playing those songs from this book. My dad is the best. I could have never asked for a better one. I have had so many good memories with my dad. I know it hasnt always been easy for him, or even for me, but its always worked itself out. He doesnt ask for much. With having so many siblings, I'm sure it made it hard for him. With the exception of a few occasions, which I am 50% sure, could be all in my head..he has never really taken sides with us. He hasnt been the perfect dad, and I am sure that there were times where he couldve been better, but he is great. I see so many screwed up kids nowadays, without a dad. Most of which long to have one. Would, in a heart beat trade places to grow up in a family, and full and rounded family. This family I have, theres nothing special about it. Theres nothing outstanding, or wonderful about it. Its mine, its what I have to work with. My dad, is the seed of this family. Without him, half of us would not be where we are today. And me without him, I wouldnt HAVE this family. As much as I hate it sometimes, or complain about it, I will be forever grateful to him for my life. He has set the example that every guy I meet will have to be compared to. So good luck to every one of ya!!