I'd swing if you'd hand me...hand me the bat...

I would go to the moon and back for you. I would use every bit of my strength to hold you up when you are falling. I would give up everything i had if it meant you would be safe. I would do anything for you.

 Anything.

I miss you. I wish you were here with me right now. I wish that you were beside me, and that you were okay. I am filled with sadness when you aren't near. Its not normal. Its not okay. I'm not okay. I need my constant back.

Just please be okay. I am a mess without you. I am lost without you.

Whenever you come back...I will be waiting...

Tonight, I needed someone to give me a hug, to tell me that everything will be okay. But I could not for the life of me think of someone for the job. Not one person I was capable of breaking down with. Not one person who I was comfortable opening my emotions to. Not one person I could lean on. Not one person who I could call an actual friend.

Has this cold hearted self of mine really turn into this? Have I shut down so blindly, that I am unable to have the one simple thing that everyone in the entire world should have?

So I am left, amongst only myself, with sadness. Heartbroken that I am unable to care.

Me...missing you.

I often wonder where you are
when its been long and in between
I often look back at our time
and wonder- was it nothing but a dream...

I think about my yesterdays
and what I've made of them
I wonder what yours was like
and I miss you all over again.

I try to freeze the moment
when the lights shut down
I often find myself wishing
that you were still around.

It feels like you are haunting me...

I think i may be brainwashed. When I find out who did this to me...OMGGG

What an OMG kinda day going on. Actually...week, I should say. Heres to hoping that tomorrow will be brighter, better, and just flat out amazing. Gotta hope right??

Maybe its a dream...and if I scream...

I'll wake up from this. Its like I'm wrapped in this crazy world. Nothing looks familiar. Nothing seems the same. Nothing seems like mine. But when the moment comes, it feels nothing but right, and I just can't help myself from enjoying it.
Its all still on rocky ground, kind of like a gravel road... :)


Complete uncertainty, but completely loving it.

If theres no one beside you...when your so embarked...then I'll follow you into the dark..

You saw the sun, I saw the shine...
You felt the cold, I felt the chill...
You heard the noise, I heard the voice...
You taste the air, I taste the thrill...

Two people who shouldnt be together. Two people never meant to meet eachother. Two people too good for one another. Two people ready for whatever?

Come see the view on top of the fence...

Addiction. Its a pretty fucked up thing. No matter what it is a person is addicted to...its bad. Whatever your fixation may be, it will-in no way ever be a good thing.

I see this take control over people so often, it saddens me. Its horrible the things it will do to someone. It controls their every being and shatters every possibility of anything. To watch a strong person be taken down by such a small power, is a shame.


A few years ago, my best friend was addicted to heroin. He would tell me he got hurt at work and was taking pain pills. He never told me it was something that bad. Basically, he lied about it for as long as he could. The entire time, I thought nothing of it. I never had the thought of him being on something so bad come across my mind. He would spend every penny he had on it. When he ran out of money, he would borrow from others. When he ran out of lenders, he would sell things. When he ran out of things to sell, he would somehow find a way to get his "fix". He always kept a job, because, if you are a smart addict, you always have a steady source of income for your stuff. Obviously, thinking back now, all the signs were there. I was just blind to the fact and idea of something this bad going on. It turned him into a completely different person. His family and friends become his second priority, his health maybe became him last. Who knows, all I know is this "stuff" was his number one.

He came to me one day, with this strange, guilty face on. Kind of like when the little boy comes to his mom to tell on himself when he breaks something of great value. I was in disbelief. I was speechless. I was mad. I was sad. I was scared. Its an unimaginable feeling when someone you know, someone you love is overtaken by something like this, and you had no idea about it. Or maybe you did have some sort of thoughts about it, but always swatted them from your mind.

Anyways, I took him to a clinic. This clinic was a place to go for drug addicts, where they could be set up in a facility for rehabilitation. I sat there with him, two days straight, while he waited to be placed. This was 24 hours total of my time. Which I didn't know would mean so much later on..

The woman behind the desk, who does the placement...she says to me..."It's going to be a few more hours before the car will take him to the facility, you better take him to get whatever he needs to hold him over until he gets there".  I look at her strangely. Unaware or just not understanding what she just said to me. I ask...what does that mean? She answers-"You need to take him to get his fix, his heroin, before he starts withdrawing from it. He won't be at the facility to get his medicine for a while". So I'm sitting there, dumbfounded. Did this woman, who works in the medical clinic just tell me to take my best friend to buy drugs? Seriously???

I stand, start to walk away, turn around abruptly. Are you fucking kidding me??? I say to her. I bring him here, so these people can help him, and this is what they are asking me to do? Apparently it was normal for most that came there, to leave for their one last high. So, here I am, pissed off and disgusted, ready to walk out and say fuck everyone. But what do I do? I threw my keys at my friend and walked away.


Point of the story is, that addictions are a pretty fucked up situation that this "god" everyone thinks so highly of keeps tossing peoples way. I see and hear of people dying each day because of it. It turns an amazing person into a "piece of shit" in their minds. What happened to willpower? What happen to strength? It turned into desires...which turned into fixation...which turned into dependency...which turned into addiction.

Reason I brought this up...was because this same friend...I think may be up to their old habits again. What to do? I don't know. Do I go back down that road again and try to help, or do I walk away and accept no excuses?

Those 24 hours of my time? My daughter lived for 93 days. This 24 hours of my time was taken for this mess, when it could have been used to be with her.

Wish all days were like this...

I couldve been...couldve been there with you...

I dont like missing someone. I am not the person that relies on others, or counts on anyone to fulfill my day. But lately, I'm missing one specific person. Its hard when someone is out of reach, or completely gone. Its hard to not miss them. But this one person, for some unknown reason, will not leave my mind. I find myself in the middle of my day, pausing and thinking about them. Its kinda strange to allow myself to be put in the middle of something like this.

It goes back to the whole...never wanting to find out until its not an option anymore...or until that moment in your day...is out of reach.

i'll get back to you

I had a good day today. Much relief, when you take into consideration the last few days I've been given. It is what I make it though, right?

I got to speak with one my favorite people today. Theres a certain something that gives you those few minute breaks from the whole world...and when speaking to this person, thats what I get. So that was nice.

I've always known myself to be the least social person around. This, because of the fact that I don't like people. I don't like to be around too many people. I don't like to be bother by people. But, there comes a point when to live in this world, and to live in a day in the life of...Miranda...that you must be social. So..with that said, I choose my people wisely. It just sucks sometimes when I get blinded by my pretty long eye lashes, and end up not seeing so clearly. :)

Exciting things today. Big things happening. If you're not part of it, you're missing out on Miranda.

I had the best, most refreshing day today. I forget so easily to stop and give my attention to things I normally miss, that I lose out on so much. I got to visit with my favorite guys this morning, and then had a pretty good day at work. All in all, it was great day.

Turns out that my 90 day challenge probably won't take as long as I thought it would. Today is the first day that I was actually almost okay without it. Something that was so much of my days up until yesterday, now seems like it will be alright to not have. Somewhat, I guess. What choice do I have though?

Its hard. But I'll be okay. A pretty smile on the pretty face, makes the world wonder. Might as well try it.

The word amazing doesn't really mean that much to me anymore.

I wake up to you...but I still miss you.

You're everywhere.

No words can take away my pain, my anguish, my torture, from not having you here. I miss you more than ever imaginable. No one knows this of course. But I do. Everyone looks at me, and just assumes that I am okay. Ninety percent of the time, I'm not.

I've been thinking about you a lot lately. Its hard. Its hard to get through days like this. Even if only for a moment...it takes a lot for me to get through it. It comes and goes.  More coming than going I'm sure.

I looked in the mirror...seen my eyes...filled with temptation...thats where it started.

He makes me sad. I already have so many things in my life that make me sad. Why did this crazy screwed up universe put him into my world. Havent I had enough, havent I dealt with the worst, why now?

Its so hard not to put myself in the middle, so hard to keep my feelings at arms legnth. How do I stop this, how do I move on, how do I exceed all expectations and be okay.

It just isnt right.

Then you got that look in your eyes..

The room was filled with floral print couches...baskets of flowers...red carpet...and one small box on legs. Inside this box, she lay there, in peace...dressed in her beautiful easter dress...with her pretty hat atop her head. Her body was cool, she had the cutest little slippers on those tiny toes. She was bigger...just a little bigger. Beautiful dark hair, longer than most her age.

This box, lined with pink shiny cushion. Her eyes were glued shut, it was thick and rough glue. Her head had been cut open along her hair line, and glued back together. The pretty hat covered this though. Her small hands and fingers, all still there. I placed her hands inside of mine. I couldve fit three of her tiny hands into one of mine. My little girl. Gone.

So i didnt complete or suceed at this 30 day challenge of mine. It pretty much went right out the window the moment I saw him. Isnt that horrible?

So I am turning my 30 day...into a 90 day challenge. Gotta give myself some time...things dont get swept up and out that easily. Wish me luck. Its gonna be harder than I thought it would be.

When someone dies, we try to negotiate. We think of all the things we could have done to prevent it.   We think if we had just one more day...but, you can’t negotiate with death.

I wish it were that easy, I'd trade my own life to bring her back.

Thirty day challenge...if only u knew...

People drive me crazy. I have always thought to myself...is it me? But i am starting to think that it isnt me, its everyone else in this crazy fucked up world.

My day today was okay. It was kind of nerve racking. I miss people, I miss places, I miss lots. I miss out on lots too, but whats the point of complaints? At the end of the day, it is what i make it...right?

I am challenging myself with a goal, that is probably far fetched, and nearly impossible, but who better to do the impossible than me? I'm on day four right now, so i'll let ya know how it works out for me..

Wish me luck! I will need it for this..

Wow...thats all.

Easy to lose...hard to find...thats why you hold on super tight to it..

PRIDE

1. a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc.

2. the state or feeling of being proud.

3. a becoming or dignified sense of what is due to oneself or one's position or character; self-respect; self-esteem