A day to celebrate
when our nation won the score
a time spent to remember
the brave men of the war.
These men, they left their homes
their lives, their family
to go off in the darkness
to fight for our country.
This day is not just for
the ones who survived
it is also to celebrate
all the men that have died.
They fought for their nation
with pride in their eyes
hey fought with their heads held up
but some fled with goodbyes.
Known today, as Veterans Day
about the ones who sacrificed and died
as well as the great men
who fought, and survived.

Someone once sent this to me...never read it...found it one year later..

Round and Round.

When you aren't around
my feet touch the ground
and though this sudden landing has made me faint
not having you with me is my only complaint
When you aren't around
its so easy to wear a frown
much like my better half is gone
i feel like no ones here, i feel alone.
When you aren't around
my spirits feel down
like a kite with to much weight
i've taken all i can take.
When you aren't around
i experience a sorrow so renown
that i can scarcly do a thing
but thats the pain loneliness brings.
I know its only been a day since we last talked
but i don't like going that long without saying hi
and i know its a battle thats worth being fought
i just wanted you to know..

when you aren't around, my heart cries

Sun Aug 29

Nadda.

you gotta be kidding me

So my day today went pretty smoothly. With the exception of the last few hours. I woke up on time, did everything I needed to do. If only everyday could be so good. I didn't get one word from the one I wanted one word from, but other than that, it was nice. You know those moments you have throughout your day when u think to yourself..."you gotta be kidding me"....well I had a whole lot of those. It amazes me how many people bring that thought to my mind. Its unbelievable. But then again, I'm sure I do the same to everyone else. So like the saying admits........whats comes around, goes around.

Evening thought...When you love someone, how far are you supposed to go for them? When is enough, enough? You share your life with this someone, you give them your all. When do you decide that what you're getting back in return just isn't enough? When you start to feel something inside die, does that mean you should let go? Or...is that when you fight even harder to keep this love. What is considered out of control love? What is the difference between out-of-control-love, and love-out-of-control? Where do those boundaries lie...have they been layed down...do they exist...oh so many questions I have!!!

Sat Aug 28

Nada.

No Ridicule

 I don't know how you do it
Or even if its done
Living like that
Can't be much fun.
Can't see how you put up with it
Surprised you're not gone
Who knows, maybe you love it
Or you just can't move on.
I will not ridicule
I will not disagree
I will not scream or fight
But hey that's just me.
It is your choice
To stay or let go
Just can't help but wonder
Why you didn't say no.
Maybe you have your reasons
But I also have mine
I want to see you happy
I want to see you "fine".

My Pretty Little Girl

Its been 4 years, 4 months, and 10 days. It sounds like so long ago. Every detail is still etched into my mind. I can't remember what I did yesterday, not for the life of me. But the details, of this, so long ago, I remember. The by far- worst day of my life. I guess that would be hard to forget, huh? Everyone told me, just give it time. Everything will be ok. Give it time, you will feel better. Give it time, things will work themselves out. Well things are not ok, I do not feel better, and it sometimes seems like nothing works out. How can I stop missing her? She may not be here, and her things, her clothes, her stuff...may not be in plain sight, but shes here. She is within me, each and every second of everyday. I wake up with her, and get through my day with her, I work hard with her, I go to sleep with her, I dream with her, I have nightmares with her. She is in my heart, in my soul, on my mind, and isn't going anywhere. I couldn't live without her then, and now that she is gone, I continue to not be able to live without her. I take her with me, wherever I go. There is so much guilt, and pressure, and sadness within me. I put on a pretty face in the morning, I smile when I am expected to. I put an image out of myself, that I am ok, that I do feel better, that I can work things out. But its a fake. Inside, I am guilt stricken. I am sad, and sad a lot. My beautiful baby girl would be 4 years old right now. It shadows me. It hurts me. It saddens me. She was taken from me. Its said, that God doesn't do things without reasons. Well God, I'm still waiting for those reasons. I'm still waiting to know why you took my beautiful little girl from me. If this God really existed, and did these things, purposely, then how can so many people in this crazy screwed up world look up to him. Look up to him for anything. Makes no sense.

           Meeting sister for the very first time. Amazing.


Hey I think it is so cool I knew all of them when I was 16 that was the first time we all met, I would see Dad around here and there like while I was waiting for the bus for school I am so glad to have the oppurtunity to build relationships with everyone, I look forward to meeting you and my neice and nephew. and Melissa as well I have never met her yet either and the 3 of us are so close I just don't drive right now but we will have to figure something out. That is crazy that you guys went to school together. How did you find out that dad was your dad? That man sure got around back in his day. LOL Anyway I havve a 9 yr old also Kyle and just recently got married about 5 weeks ago we live over in Parkside I invited Melissa to come to my reception party on 8/29 I am hoping she will be able to make it I would love it if you and your kids could make it as well!! There is an inground pool and horeshoes and basketball lots of food and drinks so let me know if you can make it that would be really awesome!! Have fun at lunch tell Melissa I said HI. get back to me babe.  --Carrie

Wow

It gets me everytime. Whats a girl to do??

Some Lazy Thursdays Going On

So...I went into my day, excited to begin it. Unsure of what I'd be doing. Nervous to experience new things. Worried about certain people. Missing one small person. Mad I woke up later than I planned. Afraid I was missing out on more important stuff. Upset with the one person that is always supposed to be there for me. I was a whole bunch of everything all jumbled into one person waking up and beginning their day. So I dealt with it, with much appreciation, outstanding enthusiasm, and impressive reaction as any one person could have. I didn't learn much. I wasn't surprised by much. The only thing that stuck with me throughout my whole day was his eyes. Those "deep" eyes. Those" somewhat guilty" eyes. Those "pulling me in" eyes. Those "nervous" eyes. Those "confident" eyes. Those "cocky" eyes. Those "strong" eyes. Those eyes. Its ashame that all I got to see was the back of those eyes. My day probably wouldnt have ended the way it has if I had. I wouldn't be sad, or blank, or blah. I set myself up for things like this. I did it to myself. What was I suppose to expect. My expectations are completely unreasonable. I may very well be one crazy person, but this HE does it to me, and he knows he does. He secretly takes it for granted, and I know. Emotional affairs are for the birds. Lookout trees, here I come!

So my "real" dad is in the hospital. Im not sure whats going on there, but i'm debating on whether to call him or not. If i called now, it would be a pity call right? But, if something bad happens, and he doesnt make it...I'll have to live with NEVER having spoke one word to my "real" dad, NEVER hearing his voice. Is that something I'm willing to live with?

Its gonna be a looonnng day. What i was waiting for though...right?

My test for class

Part of me is scarlet red
loving and caring
solid and daring
speaking mind, and my thought sharing.
But there is something different inside
blue like the ocean tides.
Open and loyal
fearless and free
quiet and deep, when alone just me.
Yet the two are, both true
all my own way
nothing like you.

Can my night get any worse? I just was led to believe that my sister was dead. No one would confirm or deny. What do u do in a situation like that? I even had that feeling, that u get, when someone that close to u dies. That blankness. It could only be understood by someone who has gone through it. It was very familiar to me. I wasnt sad, i wasnt mad, i wasnt happy, i wasnt anything. I was blank. Now what?

People can be real assholes. You can catch someone doing wrong things, almost every time, if you get them at the right time. Supposed to be surprising? Well its not. There wasnt even guilt in his eyes.

So, yesterday was fathers day. I worked, of course. I am so glad I didnt let it get to me. My dad is my dad. Nothing will change that, and it doesnt matter who this other guy is, I refuse to let it get to me. So I spent my night last night trying to find the perfect fathers day gift for my dad. Me and Ciara went out looking. If it were up to her, he would've gotten a box of juice, and some lolli pops. But after the third place, I found the perfect gift. It was a book, a music/lyric book of Neil Young. My dad loves Neil Young. He also loves playing his guitars. So I gave it to him last night, with the most simple and to the point card I could find. He loved it. He stayed up all night playing those songs from this book. My dad is the best. I could have never asked for a better one. I have had so many good memories with my dad. I know it hasnt always been easy for him, or even for me, but its always worked itself out. He doesnt ask for much. With having so many siblings, I'm sure it made it hard for him. With the exception of a few occasions, which I am 50% sure, could be all in my head..he has never really taken sides with us. He hasnt been the perfect dad, and I am sure that there were times where he couldve been better, but he is great. I see so many screwed up kids nowadays, without a dad. Most of which long to have one. Would, in a heart beat trade places to grow up in a family, and full and rounded family. This family I have, theres nothing special about it. Theres nothing outstanding, or wonderful about it. Its mine, its what I have to work with. My dad, is the seed of this family. Without him, half of us would not be where we are today. And me without him, I wouldnt HAVE this family. As much as I hate it sometimes, or complain about it, I will be forever grateful to him for my life. He has set the example that every guy I meet will have to be compared to. So good luck to every one of ya!!

"it just feels right"

What am I going to do with him? Life, I couldnt live it without him. I couldnt imagine going to sleep without hearing his voice. Its almost like an addiction we both have for eachother, one that has been continual for a long time now. The only person I feel safe with, which- Ive been told that when you find that safety...you hold onto. Who would of thought the day he let go of that door- that we would be so much a part of one another? The ones to fall together? What fools we both are for not noticing before.


Until I know...I'm just gonna enjoy it, and have a little fun with him.

"It just feels right".



Morning thought..we let things go so much more often than we know. Its unbelievable. When it gets to the point that you are done caring enough to notice, what is that saying? Are you supposed to leave it be and keep going with your life. Like it never happened, like the moments were never here. What does that say about yourself??

Nicholas

My son, Nicholas, will be attending his last day of elementary school tomorrow. I remember the day I took him to his first day of kindergarten. OMG. I cried, and cried some more. He was growing up. I didn't want the rest of the world to share in him. I wanted him for myself. He was my heart, in its entire form. I must have fought myself three times not to just pick him up and walk away, hoping no one would notice that we were there in the first place. I wanted just one more day of him being my baby boy. It was hard. He kept saying, "its going to be so much fun", "I'm gonna be a really good boy today mom", "You dont have to worry". Maybe he could tell I was upset. I dont know how anyone could've not been able to tell. It was that bad. So after the initial upset, I eventually let him go. He waved goodbye to me. He was now part of his OWN new world. He may have even been a little embarassed then by me hugging and kissing him goodbye. So I go home, unsure of how to spend my day without him. I go into his bedroom. Cried some more. I stare at the clock. I spent my day waiting for it to be time to pick him up. I left the house an hour and a half before it was actually time for him to be finished his school day. I drive to that school, and wait outside the whole time. I wait for my boy. I was so proud of him that day. As upset as I was, it was a good day. I realized he was ok. He was able to do this. I prepared him enough to get through this. I was the one who wasn't prepared. BUT, he is now going into Middle School. He will be in a new place, new people, new teachers. Older Kids. Strangers. I am so scared for him. Or maybe for me? He seems to be excited about it. His last day in elementary is tomorrow. So I will be going there, to his school, to wait for my little boy on his very last day there. I will be the proudest mom out there waiting for their child. I will cry, I will get upset, and I am sure I will be completely embarrassing to him, but, its okay. I don't care. My boy is growing up. My once, little precious baby boy. All grown up. :(

Morning thought..How is the person who i am sharing my life with, not even say good morning, or even goodbye to me this morning? I dont get it. Has it just become so normal to him that he doesnt see or care anymore? At least I got a good morning from someone today. And a not too bad someone at that. If i werent such a nice person, ppls would be in trouble...its due time to just say screw it anyways. There comes a time when u get this feeling, and u just know its done. That its not the same. That even if u wanted it back, or to be normal again, it would be impossible. Well I've been there for a while now. Its sad, and its dissapointing. But it is what it is.

Here i am. Sitting out front of my brothers house at eleven at night. Headlights beaming into every one of his neighbors windows. Apparently I'm trying to save his daughter from another night in hell. Wish me luck! Im definately gonna need it. Drugs are for scumbags.

DNA CAN KISS MY YOU KNOW WHAT

So, its been almost a year since I found out where I came from. Or, maybe I should say WHO I came from? I found out on myspace that my dad I've had my whole life, really isn't my dad.
(On fucking MYSPACE)I mean, of course he is my "dad", but he isn't my "biological" dad. With that news, I got 4 more sisters, and a brother, with already having 5 siblings before all of this...it became a lot to deal with. It still seems like a big secret to me, even now. No one will talk to me about it. No one will explain things to me. No one will give me any sort of understanding about anything. It makes it hard. Very hard. It seems like something you go on a talk show to figure out. That would probably be my ONLY way to find anything out. I don't know, its hard, and at the same time very invigorating. I've always had the sense of something missing. I just never knew what. I always called myself on it, and made those thoughts go away. But apparently I may not be so crazy after all. It's so easy to put on a pretty face and not deal with it. But is that what I'm supposed to do? Everyone tells me different things. This guy, who is my "biological" dad, hasnt even contacted me. I've never met him. I've never heard his voice. I don't know anything about him. Its been 26 years and nothing from him. So am I supposed to leave things be, or am I supposed to NOT fall into his footsteps of being a COWARD? Either way, I'm pretty sure one of us, or maybe even both of us, lose. It just seems so unfair. Why would he tell his children about me? Why let them look for me? Why let them find me? How is that fair? How could he not have enough man inside of him to contact me himself? Why wouldn't he just keep it to himself. He did it for 26 years. Why now? It seems like I'm supposed to ignore all of this? I'm supposed to go on with my normal life, and not think of this? I am no coward. I lost even ounce of cowardness I had a long time ago. Now, if only my head and my heart could agree on things for once. It would make my life a whole hell of a lot easier.

Soul Mates

No one ever ends up with their REAL soulmate. The reason? Well a friend once told it to me like this:

By the time you actually find your real soul mate, its too late. Your whole life is already planned out.

Something to think about...or perhaps there is more than one soul mate for each person? Not likely. People tend to just settle. Therefore, never knowing.

Lazy Sundays

So, its sunday. afternoonish by now. I just woke up about an hour ago. I must have a thousand things to get done today. Being its a hard to get day off of work. My daughters birthday is in 5 days. I havent even started to plan anything?!? Shes going to be three years old. My son has a field trip tomorrow, which I cant go to, because I have to work, and the school reschedule it for a different day then the original date. I have an entire house to clean up. I am not even dressed yet. I have to go shopping, and do laundry. I have to pull this pot plant that mysteriously just popped up in the cracks of my driveway. (omg). I have to do those and lots more that I dont even want to mention...depresssssing. But, its MY day OFF. Therefore, I will be going to get coffee, and relaxing, and I'm not doing any of those thousands of things. At least not today. Sometimes you just have to say screw it. :)

Morning thought..i have a brother, who is a complete stranger to me. Ive always been close to my brothers. Sisters fight, argue, and are normally too cool to acknowledge one another. But brothers, they are there. They dont care if you have more clothes then them. They dont care if you are prettier then them. They are just there. So this stranger brother of mine, his name is James. Ive never met him. But one day, i'm hoping to! Gotta hope right?

What If

What happens if it comes out
and everyone around you knows
what happens if your that careless
and nothing but your mistake shows?

If you could have helped it
would you prevent it all
if you could have stopped it
would you have made that call?

What happens when you hurt someone
without intent of care
what happens if these instincts were right
but you didnt mention or share?

If you could go back
would you change anything
if you could make it better
would you just do nothing?

What happens when it blows up
and everything goes wrong
what happens when your all alone
but you still have to stand strong?